DFO Bible Stories: The Ten Commandments

How the laws from Exodus 20 cited here became known as “The Ten Commandments” is quite baffling, as there is no mention of them having been engraved in stone to replace the broken tablets and YHWH does not specifically call them “The Ten Commandments” — two conditions that must be met for Ten Commandmentness.

The actual Ten Commandments show up a little later in Exodus 34.

Moses is told to hew the tablets to replace the broken ones: “And the Lord said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest (Ex 34: 1).”

YHWH restores the covenant broken with the original tablets because he really hates whores:

“Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice; And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods (Ex 34: 15-16).”

Let’s see what that covenant says.

Commandment I: “Thou shalt make thee no molten gods (Ex 34:17)” Fair enough. He’s on top of that one in Exodus 20.

Commandment II: “The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep (Ex 34: 18).” Hmmm. Don’t remember that one.

Commandment III: “All that openeth the matrix is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male (Ex 34:19)” Uh, the Matrix? Is Yahweh Morpheus or Neo?

Commandment IV: “But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem him not, then shalt thou break his neck. All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty (Ex 34: 20).” So break your donkey’s neck if you don’t have a lamb to sacrifice to Yahweh to redeem the donkey. Solid advice for modern living, these Ten Commandments.

Commandment V: “Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest (Ex 34: 21).” That also looks familiar. 2/5 so far.

Commandment VI: “And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks, of the firstfruits of wheat harvest, and the feast of ingathering at the year’s end (Ex 34: 22).” Raise your hand if you’ve ever even heard of “the feast of weeks.” Didn’t think so.

Commandment VII: “Thrice in the year shall all your menchildren appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel. (Ex 34:23).” Not even possible anymore as there is no Temple in Jerusalem.

Commandment VIII: “Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven; neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning (Ex 34:25).” This means you’re not supposed to eat leavened bread during Passover and you are not to leave anything over from the Passover meal.

Commandment IX: “The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God (Ex 34:26)” YHWH NEEDS TO EAT

Commandment X: “Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk (Ex 34: 26.)” That means don’t boil baby goats in their mother’s milk. That should be obvious to anyone reading this, but there’s always somebody who needs clarification.

So there they are: The Ten Commandments. How do I know? THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO:

“And the Lord said unto Moses, Write thou these words: for after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with Israel. And he was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And he wrote upon the tables the words of the covenant, THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (emphasis mine) (Ex 34: 27-28.”

Go ahead, take a look around the ol’ Bible and see if there’s another mention of “THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.” I’ll save you the trouble: there isn’t.

These bible-thumping idiots are so ignorant of their own book that they don’t even know what their own Ten Commandments really are.

So go forth and spread the word!

USE 2% TO BOIL YOUR BABY GOATS OR ELSE