CrimeBeat!: “We Voted To Do What Now?” Edition

Men. MEN! In what I can only assume was a brilliant ploy to eliminate opponents of Real Football In London, Roger Goodell has successfully orchestrated the shadow campaign to make the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and That Island Filled With Sheep in the South Atlantic to exit the European Union. Or maybe his frustrations with the NFLPA have caused him to turn rabidly against unions in any form. In related news, the New England Patriots have announce that they will be holding a referendum on whether to withdraw from the AFC East, in what has already been termed “FAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHKKKxit”

But a grim foreshadowing of the potential for anti-immigrant populist bullshit to ruin a nation wasn’t the only thing in the news this week. The crime blotter is starting to heat up, and according to CrimeBeat!’s resident meateor…meteaor…weatherman, it’s gonna stay hothotHOT!

BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

ROBERT HINTON

CHARGE: Texting (presumably while under the influence)

In case you missed it, Johnny Manziel has been in a certain amount of criminal court trouble relating to allegedly hitting his ex-girlfriend, and a somewhat larger amount of court-of-public-opinion trouble relating to every other aspect of his life.

But that shit is mostly depressing, the schadenfreude having worn a little thin after his Old Man tossed him underneath the prison transport. So I’ll focus on the part the General Public will find entertaining: lawyers fucking up and looking like schmucks.

Robert Hinton, who was part of Manziel’s legal team, apparently received a text from the Associated Press after Johnny was involved (apparently as the victim for once) in a vehicular hit-and-run. After he commented back, Hinton allegedly fired off a waaaay too frank text intended for one of his co-counsel, discussing (amongst other things) a $1000+ receipt from a head shop the day after the accident. Unfortunately, in a “REPLY ALL” error writ large, Hinton sent the message back to the AP. The money quote, for me at least, is “Heaven help us if one of the conditions [of release] is to pee in a bottle.”

Now, the contents here are not exactly Pentagon Papers earthshattering- no one who has been paying the slightest bit of attention would expect Manziel to pass a drug test. The better question is whether the metabolites in the sample would combine into some sort of super-drug, on the order of POS 51 from the criminally-underappreciated Samuel L. Jackson movie Formula 51.

However, litigators are not supposed to say what they really think, even if it’s painfully obvious to everyone else in the entire Universe.  It’s part of the ceremonial blood oath we take the first time we argue either side of a motion to compel discovery. And Hinton broke that Unholy Covenant. Needless to say, he has subsequently “withdrawn from the case” (read: fired so fast he had to send someone back to get his ten-gallon hat). And the State Bar of Texas will likely also have something to say about this, because he has shamed the good name (snicker) of attorneys across Texas, and they need to preserve public confidence in lawyers (snort).

Let’s go to our weatherman for the Punishment Forecast:

TARVARIS JACKSON AND DAN SKUTA

CHARGE: Being abusive fuckholes to women.

Whelp, this is depressing again. Tarvaris Jackson, noted Vikings Fan PTSD trigger, allegedly threatened his wife with a handgun while drunk. And Dan Skuta, who is notable only for being a Jacksonville Jaguar with intact ligaments, shoved a woman’s head into a glass window for having the temerity to not give him her phone number. That’ll make her rethink her decision not to date you, won’t it, Dan?

I got nothing, really. Fuck these dudes. Next case.

DERRICK THOMAS

CHARGE: Impersonating a linebacker; failing to file adequate briefs with a court.

Ok, a little stale, but I can’t resist. Derrick Thomas, who is not the Real Derrick Thomas (as he is not dead) was in court on an indecent exposure charge for “lying naked on a sidewalk” in Jonesboro, Arkansas. While waiting in the courtroom, Thomas allegedly asked to go to the bathroom for a drink of water, emerged therefrom and stripped to reveal his mens rea to the courtroom. He then apparently approached the bench and proclaimed that “Court is back in session!”.

Couple of notes:

1. I defy you to find a litigator who does not, however briefly, consider this man a hero.
2. On the police report, his teeth are indicated as “silver”. No indication of whether this was a low-rent version of a Marshawn Lynch “grill” or whether this is the biracial love child of polarizing Bond villian Jaws.
3. Jaws is the fourth worst Bond villian of all time. His shtick would be stupid for a minor character, but for a major character in TWO FUCKING MOVIES?”Oh, he’s a big dude with metal teeth!” For fuck’s sake, he’s the most conspicuous criminal on the goddamned planet. Even in the Seventies, this fucker couldn’t board a damned airplane, so how the fuck is he jetting around the world?
4. For reference, the Official Scientific Ranking of Bond Villians/Major Henchpeople is:
   1. Christopher Walken (A View to a Kill): because they didn’t even let him be Christopher Walken.
   2. Herve Villachaize (Man With The Golden Gun): Stoked my irrational childhood fear of little people. Only years of therapy (read: repeated viewings of Willow and Peter Dinklage movies) have gotten me over it.
   3. Wint and Kidd (Diamonds Are Forever): Creepy and annoying AND there are two of them. Hurray!
   4. Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker): See above. Also, what the shit is with him (*SPOILER ALERT*) suddenly changing sides because some tiny blonde spinner smiled at him. I mean c’mon, you can’t park a Cadillac in a closet, dude…
   5. May Day. (A View To A Kill): I can’t even…