Your “Seriously, Competitive Eating?” Fourth of July Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News: (21 days until training camps open)

  • Marquise Goodwin finished 7th in the long jump trials, and thus won’t be going to Rio, which disappoints Rex Ryan on a number of levels.
  • The NFL rule book has been published online for accredited media members. According to PFT, the main changes – noted on page 2 – are:
    • It is now a delay of game penalty if a team is erroneously granted a timeout.
    • The offensive and defensive play callers can use the coach-to-helmet communications system regardless of whether the coach is in the booth or on the sideline.
    • There is no longer a five-yard penalty for illegally touching a pass after being out of bounds and then re-establishing inbounds, but it is a loss of down.
    • The line of scrimmage for extra point kicks is permanently the 15-yard line.
    • Touchbacks on kickoffs are now moved to the 25-yard line.
    • All chop blocks are illegal.
    • The horse-collar tackle rule now includes a defender grabbing the jersey at the name plate or above.
    • A player who gets two fouls for certain kinds of unsportsmanlike conduct is automatically ejected.
    • Multiple spots of enforcement for a double foul after a change of possession have been eliminated.
  • In what seems like crass exploitation, the Arena League – the lesser of the two AFLs – has said, via press release, they would welcome Johnny Manziel with open arms.
  • Today in bullets!
    • Dallas police released their report on the Aqib Talib shooting last Friday.
    • Bucs rookie OL Dominque Robertson was shot Saturday night in what police are calling “wrong place; wrong time”.

Finally, former Baltimore Stallion & Raven OJ Brigance gave the Lou Gehrig speech at Yankee Stadium on Monday. An ALS sufferer himself since 2007, he is the only player to have won a Grey Cup & Super Bowl while playing in the same city. He currently works in the Ravens’ front office.


Ladies & gentlemen, Joey Chesnut:

I once competed in a regional contest for Nathan’s, for charity. I got through 20 in the 10 minutes, and I didn’t want to eat for two days afterwards. That’s as close as I ever want to come to qualifying for something like this. I still have the t-shirt, to remind me never to do something that stupid ever again, for whatever reason. Deadspin had a link to an ESPN clip about what your stomach does during a contest like this: (sorry for using video of a video)

The whole one-hour show was just a ridiculous spectacle, what with the breakdown of strategies and the play-by-play. I never caught if there was an off-screen “Roman moment”, or “reversal of fortune” as ESPN called it, but I’m sure there was one or two. He was called “the greatest eater in the history of mankind”.

I don’t understand what makes someone decide that this is going to be their “something”. Please, enlighten me in the comments.


Tonight’s sports: (National networks listed only)

  • Baseball – various regional games; Tigers @ Indians – 7:00 ESPN
  • MLS:
    • Orlando @ Dallas – 9:00 (regional)
    • Portland @ Colorado – 9:00 (regional)
    • Vancouver @ LA Galaxy – 10:30 – TSN
  • Replays:
    • Tour de France – NBCSN/Sportsnet
    • Wimbledon – ESPN/TSN
    • Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating contest – ESPN2 – 8:00

Alternative Programming:

  • NBC: Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular – 8:00
  • CBS: Boston Pops – “Pops Goes the 4th” – 9:00

I hope you enjoy your holiday evening. I ENJOYED MINE!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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laserguru
Member

And on this day the 4th of July 2016 I wish to welcome to the Planet Earth and to the race of the Human Being your newest member Athena Cherie right. Queen of the Andals and the First Men!

First of her name!

Long may she reign!

She came in at 11:05 PM just under the clock.

I have a new granddaughter!

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Although “Congratulations” for what I don’t know I guess you just kept out of the way those youngsters did all the work.

Congratulations anyway!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

WOOOOOOOOO!
CONGRATULATIONS!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hell yeah. Way to pass that superior DNA along vicariously.
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Senor Weaselo
Member

Huzzah!

Covalent Blonde
Member

Keeping in on the 4th. That’s good hustle!

/Slaps ass hard!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Covalent Blonde
Member

Yay! I think the kids down the street have all burned themselves by now and my dog can finally crawl back out of my lap!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My dog is about 110 lb Shepherd and she went completely under the desk. Seems the neighborhood is out of gunpowder now.

Covalent Blonde
Member

Well thank goodness for that! May she have a better night for the duration!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Aw, shit. I think these low altitude fireworks are ours, but there’s a building right in my line of sight.

Oh, for a controlled demolition right now.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Fuck it. I’m gonna finish this movie and go to bed.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’m gonna find the nastiest porn I can and yank it for about an hour. To each his own.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Oh! Something’s started.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yeah, here too. I call it a boner. I don’t like to waste them…I never know for sure how many more I might get.

SO MAYBE YOU’D LIKE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC BEFORE THIS ONE FADES INTO THE ETHER??????

Just saying.

Unsurprised
Member
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Well yes, OK. You have a very good point.
And thank you.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

9:00PM here on the Pacific coast. All hell is breaking loose outside, in the form of official and unofficial fireworks displays. It really does sound impressive.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m still waiting here, but I assume I’ll be able to watch the display from my window.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It’s weirdly noticeable how much more light we get being just north of the 45th Parallel. The sun comes up at like 4:15 (I got a window full of sunlight at 5am until I put up an old board to block out the sun) and goes down at like 10. I think on June 20th it didn’t go down until 10:30.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Depending on which part of town you’re in, those may or may not be actually bullets.

Yes, we have idiots that shoot guns into the air…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That was always a joy in AZ as well.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Isn’t that called a Baltimore drizzle?

laserguru
Member

It’s like a goddamn war zone.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

The sky over the Columbia Gorge seems to be exploding like the skies over Baghdad in 2003.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Finally decided to watch Big Trouble In Little China.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

May the wings of liberty never lose a feather

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Good flick. I need to see that one again in fact.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Whatever you do, do not type “sex gif” when you mean “sexy gif”. That goddamned “y” makes a huge difference as it turns out.
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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

As it turns out, there are some overlaps, however.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/3135313/alison-brie-pottery-o.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member
ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Low and to the left, brother, low and to the left.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Dammit, that was supposed to be a reply to Seamus!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Interestingly enough, I was able to put it together even with the misplaced reply.
And ditto on my coast my bruthah. Way lower than they used to. Hoping to get them swinging soon enough, however.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Niiiiiice!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

@Unsurprised – Dude, I’ve met you in real life and we were able to have a good conversation. I’m not sure why you’re saying you can’t talk to people.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yeah, but we’ve chatted here for months before that.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I have oddly high levels of arrogance but low self-esteem. So I keep underestimating myself, which doesn’t help these conversations.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

@Unsuprised- a combination I suffer from. It’s just a real treat of rollercoaster, ain’t it?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

If you genuinely feel you have arrogance, then dude you gotta get rid of that. Like I mean pronto. You might be the smartest and coolest motherfucker on the planet (which is crazy to say because I so totally am)…but even if you were (you’re not, I am), nobody wants to hear that shit. Not in a getting to know you setting.

As far as self esteem, the best way I’ve learned to deal with that is to come to learn that everyone is more fucked up than I am. Life grades on a curve. It’s a beautiful thing. And you can usually cheat and get away with it.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

You met my friend from work and chatted with him normally and he was a total stranger. I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

That’s true.

I didn’t think about that. That’s a really good point.

Covalent Blonde
Member

Balls is right. I scare the shit out of almost every single person I meet, and not only did you talk to me just fine, we talked for so long I forgot to leave!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

My depression wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t so socially retarded.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Sorry for all this. I’m just thinking out loud.

Fronkenshteen
Member

Hang in there, man. I’m bi-polar/depressive. Make sure you’re happy with your meds & doctor, and don’t listen to too much Joy Division.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m trying.

The crazy thing is that I’ve been okay and not even thought about it recently. However, this weekend I started thinking about my fetishes and how I look at porn so detached even though it’s just sex and for them it’s a job. I keep treating it like something special because it’s been an unfulfilled desire for decades now.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I know this will sound hollow, but you need to get out of your own head. Especially where sex is concerned. Fetishes are what they are. Just about everyone has a kink, even tho many may never allow themselves the freedom to explore it/them.

But the thing is, sex and the kinks that go with it are secondary. Like I said, I know how hollow that SOUNDS. But trust me, until you find that person who fits you like a glove and not only accepts but embraces your kinks….and you theirs?….then it’s all just background noise.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It’s a Hell of a lot of noise.

But you’re right. You’re totally right.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

It is a lot of noise. You are not wrong.
But in the end, noise is all most of it is.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Thanks.

It’s a shame I never told anyone this sooner.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

No, it’s not. What be a shame is if you never found anyone to tell it to ever. You’ve got friends here. We love ya.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Seconded. Also, no more than one Vonnegut novel every two months

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

What is up wit yo bad selves, people?
How dey hanging?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So it’s getting dark, which means the fireworks are going to start getting pretty intense. Got some nice chicken pieces to keep the animals distracted.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

The cat didn’t kill her own?

For shame!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

She’s probably waiting for the fireworks to serve as cover for the imminent nighttime massacre.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
King Hippo
Member

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yeah, yeah, there is that.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I ate two chicken sausages with spinach and garlic for dinner. No bun, but some tater tots on the side, (OH AN HE FANCY!!!), and an iced tea and I was full.

How or why anyone would eat 70 hot dogs in ten minutes is beyond me. I mean if they were Muckies or Hummel MAYBE, but Nathan’s just aren’t in that league.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’ve been overeating in the last couple of days and I want to die after I’m done. And I used to do this every day all day.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I propose a DFO outing to a :shudder: baseball game where we attempt the 9 inning challenge. Who’s in?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I would die.

laserguru
Member

The 9 beers I’ve got easy.
The 9 dogs?
Maybe not.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

And yet I can’t even talk to people.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Have you tried letting your fingers do the talking?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Never got that far

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

And yet I live in WICHITA: maybe.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Jason Pierre-Paul couldn’t pull that off.

Fronkenshteen
Member

PLAY SCARLET BEGONIAS!!

King Hippo
Member

Cats came in safely away from the fireworks nonsense, and someone from craigslist DID come take apart and carry away the dumbass trampoline from my backyard. Sweet freedom, Morrison time…

Killer on the road…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

King Hippo (artist’s conception)

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King Hippo
Member

Also, while many historians do agree that Lincoln probably did ride his share of bears, I’m not quite sure that’s what they had in mind ,, smgdh.

King Hippo
Member

YAY for chop block rule and the “no multiple points of enforcement for double fouls.”

FUCK OFF for the expanded horsecollar thingy. You are now 15-yarding, game-changing penalizing tackles that are not the least-goddamned bit dangerous. Grabbing a guy by the jersey is FINE, ok? JUST FUCKING FINE. This is still tackle footbaw, don’t make me go full-on TAEK MONSTER here.

laserguru
Member

In one of the great human differences I have absolutely no concept of what it feels like to give birth. I was in the delivery room offering encouragement and I cut the umbilical cord but I have no goddamn clue what it feels like.

Next time anybody is feeling extra alpha male take that into consideration.
My little girl is in there kicking ass as we speak and I can do nothing but shed a tear for her incredible effort.

Go Kiddo go!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

I feel like we’re Rive-brogging the birth. THIS KID, I CALL HIM/HER MICHAEL VICK, BECAUSE HE/SHE JUST CAN’T WAIT TO ESCAPE THE POCKET

laserguru
Member

It’s a she. Athena Cherie, She’s almost ready for her close up.
The waiting is fucking killing me.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

Fourth quarter, mate. Just running out the clock

laserguru
Member

She’s waiting for the fireworks to announce her arrival.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Boston Pops is playing Stars and Stripes Forever now if you want to turn your teevee boxes to cbs

Senor Weaselo
Member

Played it twice this weekend, I’ll pass for the fireworks outside.

King Hippo
Member

Lisa Simpson mumbles disapprovingly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Featuring Ralph Wiggum on nose flute!

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Evening all. Gig got called midway because it started raining. Violin is okay, but what do I do now? Yes, I know, the answer is drink.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Update: Got a sixer of Harpoon UFO, still have to pick up sis in 45 minutes so just drank one. More when I get home.

laserguru
Member

Dilated to 8cm, she’s gonna make her 4th of July appearance.

The kid has been so tough. She told me the pain hasn’t been bad but “I’m getting really hungry.”

She’s a trooper that one!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Chili tepin!

laserguru
Member

Yep that new girl is going to be a fire eater and the mother of dragons.

Covalent Blonde
Member

This all sounds pretty awesome! Even better that Phoe is still as tough as nails the whole way through.

laserguru
Member

And she’s so non chalant about it.
“It’s no big deal Dad. Just a little uncomfortable.”

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Member
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-videos/0ap3000000672949/Which-NFL-team-is-in-danger-of-having-an-overcooked-2016-season

I understand the “Bridgewater needs to step up” crowd but saying he didn’t have a lot of passing yards is a weak critique, since he had under 30 pass attempts a game.

laserguru
Member

I hate offseason “theme” posts.
Teddy will be fine with a line who can protect him. He did not have that last year.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Member
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

There’s also the fact that AP is in decline. He still has enough in the tank to be good, but no longer the ’10-’12 demigod AP.

Also, fuck Mike Wallace.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Yeah, and it’s Minnesota, so he’s supposed to suck.

laserguru
Member

Dammit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Oh, she’s HELLA cute!

/not even from NoCal

Horatio Cornblower
Member

2/10, no respect for endangered animals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No one did in the early 60s

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower
Member

It’s 1,2,3 step and THEN dip Mitzy! Goddammit, get your shit together; I want that trophy!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I LOVED that show.

laserguru
Member

For those who don’t remember the whole show was basically a Ford commercial with boobs.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

There were cars on that show?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Actual football comment:

About fucking time they outlawed the chop block!

We now return to regular off-season commenting:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Btw, doing a GIS for “1700s themed porn” returned some VERY interesting results…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Interesting that erotic art seemed to boom in that age.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Oh, new thread, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I didn’t know you were Canadian!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I think it’s contagious….

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

I competitively eat. Basically, you eat large amounts of food that is terrible for you, in an effort to outrace both the depressive state that got you eating AND the inevitable feeling of crippling guilt centered on the eating itself.

I am the returning goddamn champion

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

My apartment is basically De Niro’s house in Heat. One of these days I should get furniture and decorations and shit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Just tell everyone you’re ready to go in 30 seconds.

/giggity

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I hope every competitive eater gets stomach cancer. Fuck these people and the people who put the events on can get fucked with every other form of cancer.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I hope everything goes well!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

And, of course, that was meant as a reply to Yeah Right.

laserguru
Member

The agonizing wait for baby news goes on. My oldest daughter is with my youngest at the hospital and the oldest just posted what she is knitting to Facebook.

If I was there I would just be getting in the way. And I wouldn’t have a beer in my hand.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Good luck! We’re all counting on you!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The “wrong place” is “where the bullet is.” The “wrong time” is “when the bullet is there.”