Your “The RNC Convention Hits Full-On Drinking Game” Thirsty Thursday Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Ray Rice has gone to Plan Omega – if he’s allowed to play, he’ll donate his paycheque in support of ending domestic violence. A key part of that plan: getting a team to take a chance on him.
  • Josh Gordon met Roger Goodell Wednesday, in hopes of figuring out if and when he’ll be able to return. He’d best get comfortable – Rog just took down Brady, so he’s got no reason to help Josh Gordon.
  • the Packers have applied to host the Draft in 2019, 2020 or 2021. Since the League terroristic demand of sacrificing a home date for an international game in exchange for potentially hosting a Super Bowl doesn’t work in Packerland, this might be the one way Goodell gets the Packers over to London or Paris.

Finally, Eugene Monroe has chosen retirement over another team in light of his release by the Ravens. He cites concussions & long-term health as the primary reasons for walking away after 7 seasons and 93 games.


In case you missed it, they found someone to take the blame for Melania Trump’s plagiarism. Her name is Meredith McIver, and we’ll never hear about her again. Buzzfeed – which makes Uproxx look like The Economist – did the research to prove she actually exists. Judge for yourself here.

The best analysis of the Convention so far (outside the Open Threads) came from Lewis Black on Colbert last night.

That’s some solid, pro-level ranting. It’s what I’ve been waiting to see all week.

The final night of the Convention should bring the best of the worst. Here’s the agenda; the speakers list is an “OH GOD; NO!!!” collection of people we’ll never meet:

  • Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman
  • Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University and evangelical leader
  • Peter Thiel, Venture Capitalist (and guy who broke Gawker)
  • Tom Barrack, CEO of Colony Capital
  • Ivanka Trump

And then comes the man himself, probably  about 10:00 EDT. If you thought the previous nights were bad, this promises to teach you new ways to euphemize the word “bitch”. Only half of those will be about Ted Cruz – say what you will about the Zodiac Killer, but it took some amount of guts to stand up and give his speech rather than the one they wanted him to give.

See you in 2020!

Food & Wine has the best, simplest drinking game for tonight’s speeches:

Rules: If Trump…

  • Is wearing a red tie: Everyone must go around in a circle and name something that is red in the room. The person who either repeats an answer or stalls must take a shot to kick off the night.
  • Says the word “huge”: Chug your beer for the length of the applause that follows. You must do this every time.
  • Says the word “ISIS”: Take two sips of beer.
  • Uses the adjective “beautiful“ to describe anyone in his family: Hold a modeling pose like Melania. The first person to laugh must sip his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
  • Calls Hillary a criminal: Put your hands behind your back as if they are cuffed. Then take a shot by only using your mouth. The last person to finish his or her shot must also chug their beer for five seconds.
  • Discusses Mexico, China or Russia: Take a sip of your mixed drink.
  • Mentions Ted Cruz: Everyone has to shout “lyin’ Ted.” The last person to do so must chug his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
  • Brings up guns for the first time: Everyone must immediately place a finger on their nose. The last one to do so has to shotgun a beer.
  • Ends his speech with a signature thumbs up: Initiate thumb war with the person sitting next to you. Losers must chug their mixed drink for ten seconds.
  • Already declares himself as November’s winner: Shake your head in bewilderment and cry because this is our new normal.

Tonight’s Alternative Programming:

  • Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
  • Premier Boxing Champions: Derevyanchenko-Soliman – 8:00 (ESPN)
  • CFL – Calgary @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN; Canada only)
  • FXX – “Treehouse of Horror” marathon – 8:00
    • In order, Episodes 3, 5, 6, 13, 15, 16, 19, 20

Get ready to do all this again next week, LIVE! from Philly. PICTURE THE CHEESESTEAKS!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Fronkenshteen

Holy Shit! 2: Electric Boogaloo
Did anyone see THIS?!
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36864432

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Holy shit, did anyone see this?

May this help tide your sports bloodlust until training camp.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

finally home from the airport. Should be a fun morning at work tomorrow. Night, Homies.

WCS

That’s the big surprise on Election Night.

Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

I can see my house from here!

Unsurprised

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

BLACK RANTS MATTER

Unsurprised

Eep
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King Hippo

That. Is. NOT. Fatherly. Gross motherfucker.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

MAKE INCEST LEGAL AGAIN

Horatio Cornblower

Look at her pull her arm back. “Quit it Dad! You’ll blow the election!”

Unsurprised

I don’t get it.
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Brick Meathook

Here’s a picture of James Woods to calm you’ll down:

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Man Jeremy Roenick got some ass in his day.

Unsurprised

It could be hotter here.
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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s LA, motherfuckers!

Unsurprised

I KNOW.

It had a double meaning.

Unsurprised

Why?
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Unsurprised

I assume Hill-Dog is seated in this photo.

Unsurprised

They should’ve let Emily Ratajkowski speak as a concession to Bernie.

Old School Zero

Well, it’s clearly time to prepare for the dark times ahead. Let’s see… rations, emergency lights, hatchet, makeshift shelter, water storage… Yup. All good. Just seems like something’s missing…

Hmm. Anyone know a dentist that can put a cyanide pill in my molar?

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, what Doc said. Barring the Apocalypse I’ve gotta be across the state and fit for court tomorrow morning.

Good night.

Unsurprised

ANARCHY

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So I’m NOT looking for you at arrivals when I land?

Doktor Zymm

Sleepy time. G’night y’all!

Croooow

Well, in lighter news: Ichiro is two hits closer to 3000 (At 2996 now). That’s awesome.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Speaking of lighter news, who’s excited for Season 3 of Bojack?

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King Hippo

WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can we get an Instant Hippo Thoughts on Trump’s speech?

Unsurprised

I miss Drew or Ape fisking Peter King right now.

King Hippo

didn’t watch, unwilling to have stroke this close to FOOTBAW SEASON

/also by some miracle North Cakalaky is a swing state now, HillyBob needs mah vote

Doktor Zymm

Gestures to diversity were made tonight.
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ALXMAC

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The good news is that all of this is just one of Patrick Duffy’s horrible dreams

Horatio Cornblower

When Rudy Giuliani* dies there will be a party at my house.

You are all invited.

*Also applies to Dick Cheney.

Doktor Zymm

Oooh, what if they’re secret lovers and kill themselves in a suicide pact when the press threatens to reveal their affair?

Horatio Cornblower

Not only will there be a party in that scenario but I will pay all of your air* fares to get here.

*bus

ALXMAC

RG – “Where are the balloons?”

cut to Trumps youngest son

Where are the balloons?

http://www.picgifs.com/reaction-gifs/reaction-gifs/confused/confused048.gif

Horatio Cornblower

Fox is panning Trump’s speech.

That’s ominous.

King Hippo

When the focus groups are done with this one, HillyBob’s entire speech might be “HAI, my name is Hillary Clinton, and I am not a fascist. I also promise NEVAR to eat any of your children. Thank you, and God Bless America!!”

Horatio Cornblower

I spoke too soon. Hannity, Ingraham, Giuliani and some bozo Trump attorney just loved it.

Hang on while I prepare my shocked face.

ALXMAC
Horatio Cornblower

I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

Name one, one, fucking country that you would rather live in right now than the USA. Just fucking one. Top to bottom, quality of life, cost of living, system of government, education what have you name me one fucking country that is better than the US.

King Hippo

Probably Sweden. But we are splitting hairs, still pretty great.

King Hippo

I just read a detective novel with that as part of its backdrop. Spooky.

Doktor Zymm

Title/Author?

King Hippo

Jussi Adler-Olsen, “The Purity of Vengeance”

herodotus450

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Horatio Cornblower

Exactly, cold and dark six months out of the year.

Doktor Zymm

San Marino maybe?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I would imagine many Southerners would find Iceland appealing, based both on the absence of black folks and the abundance of attractive cousins to marry.

King Hippo

I need to get my courtin’ bathrobe outta mothballs…

Horatio Cornblower

On the other hand getting rid of those types of Southerners, (and quite frankly a good many of like-minded types near me), would actually make America that much greater.

Unsurprised

This country would be better off if the SEC states were all jettisoned into the sun.

blaxabbath

I’m pretty sure they all tried to leave on their own….

Sill Bimmons
Horatio Cornblower

You sir, have my vote.

King Hippo

He sure has the Vatican’s support!!

Sill Bimmons

John paul 2 was Pollish ppl forget that

Horatio Cornblower

Buddy, if you went to St. Stanislaus for elementary school you NEVER forget the time that a Pole got elected Pope.

Unsurprised

Nuts. DFO hates p-a-y-p-a-l links

Doktor Zymm

I WILL REPLACE ALL THE LEAD IN THE DRINKING WATER WITH STEROIDS AND PAINKILLERS! MAKING AMERICA STRONG AGAIN!

Unsurprised

We already did that.

NOW WITH MORE PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGY AGENTS

Croooow

Wait, this isn’t going to end with “AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK!!!”?

Doktor Zymm

No, my voice is way less horrible and irritating than Trump’s.

...

I’m done, folks. No more of this.

Doktor Zymm

Gee, I can’t wait to win again!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Trump rehearsed this speech three times, and each time decided “just a little bit louder and it’s perfect.”

Gratliff

He is going to get fucking murdered in debates

Horatio Cornblower

In addition to all those great things, Fred Trump could wear the hell out of a white sheet.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/28/in-1927-donald-trumps-father-was-arrested-after-a-klan-riot-in-queens/

herodotus450

It all makes sense now: trump is just a huge fan of House of Cards but is not a very good cos-player.

Unsurprised

No. HOC is already shitty Clinton fanfic

Horatio Cornblower

Never watched it. Heard the first season was terrific and then it went off the rails.

blaxabbath

We’re gonna make America bigger than ever! We’re gonna make Ireland a state!

BEE-YAH!

Horatio Cornblower

Wait, Lyndon Johnson’s running for the Democrats?

/And by the way, I fully support such an amendment. To paraphrase George Carlin about churches being tax exempt but getting involved in politics “You want to get in to the club you pay the fucking cover charge” or something like that.

//Please do not Melania me.

Unsurprised

You do that, you may as well eliminate all of IRC § 501.

I’d be fine eliminating the tax breaks for all Exempt Organization

blaxabbath

Flat tax!!!!

Fronkenshteen

Fuck Ted Cruz. You want guts? Here’s Bill Burr telling a philly crowd to fuck off for 12 minutes. Fantastic shit:

https://youtu.be/3jMhoGUiIkk

Unsurprised

I feel like a badass with one forearm in a brace and the knuckles of my other hand taped up.

Doktor Zymm

I only want to abolish the 1st, 4th, and a handful of others!

blaxabbath

That women voting one can go!

Unsurprised

5th, 6th, 8th, 13th, 14th, 15th …

herodotus450

0th, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 8th… wait what are we doing again?

Horatio Cornblower

Trump’s gonna uphold the Constitution, except when it comes to all those companies that want to relocate, which they’re constitutionally able to do.

...

Whisky whisky whisky…

/drinks

herodotus450

Should really diversify, I hear whiskey is good too.

blaxabbath

The VA scandal is seriously an example of a pretty small (relatively) and simple and obvious thing that Obama/Congress should have cracked down on and it would have gone a long way. There is something to be said for a government that is so inept/bloated/corrupt/dysfunctional when they can’t even crush a softball like that one.

litre_cola

WHAT ISNT HE GOING TO DO?????

Unsurprised

Win

Horatio Cornblower

Win

Unsurprised

JINX

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck. Now I have to buy you a Coke.

It’s gonna be a Mexican Coke.

Sill Bimmons

Ballgame.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really like Trump foreign policy proposal of basically running a “protection” racket.

Unsurprised

That’s a bold statement. Evangelical voters are far an away the biggest saps in politics.

Horatio Cornblower

I was wondering when this speech would go off the rails, and it seems we’re here.

Spur

And everyday will be pizza day in the cafeteria!

blaxabbath

The TSA is actually the entity that we need to repeal and replace.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or, you know, fund.

Croooow

Does Trump realize this isn’t SimCity?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like Homer when they’re missing the chili cookoff, except instead of chili it’s robots bashing each other to pieces.

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