NFL News:
- Ray Rice has gone to Plan Omega – if he’s allowed to play, he’ll donate his paycheque in support of ending domestic violence. A key part of that plan: getting a team to take a chance on him.
- Josh Gordon met Roger Goodell Wednesday, in hopes of figuring out if and when he’ll be able to return. He’d best get comfortable – Rog just took down Brady, so he’s got no reason to help Josh Gordon.
- the Packers have applied to host the Draft in 2019, 2020 or 2021. Since the League terroristic demand of sacrificing a home date for an international game in exchange for potentially hosting a Super Bowl doesn’t work in Packerland, this might be the one way Goodell gets the Packers over to London or Paris.
Finally, Eugene Monroe has chosen retirement over another team in light of his release by the Ravens. He cites concussions & long-term health as the primary reasons for walking away after 7 seasons and 93 games.
In case you missed it, they found someone to take the blame for Melania Trump’s plagiarism. Her name is Meredith McIver, and we’ll never hear about her again. Buzzfeed – which makes Uproxx look like The Economist – did the research to prove she actually exists. Judge for yourself here.
The best analysis of the Convention so far (outside the Open Threads) came from Lewis Black on Colbert last night.
That’s some solid, pro-level ranting. It’s what I’ve been waiting to see all week.
The final night of the Convention should bring the best of the worst. Here’s the agenda; the speakers list is an “OH GOD; NO!!!” collection of people we’ll never meet:
- Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman
- Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University and evangelical leader
- Peter Thiel, Venture Capitalist (and guy who broke Gawker)
- Tom Barrack, CEO of Colony Capital
- Ivanka Trump
And then comes the man himself, probably about 10:00 EDT. If you thought the previous nights were bad, this promises to teach you new ways to euphemize the word “bitch”. Only half of those will be about Ted Cruz – say what you will about the Zodiac Killer, but it took some amount of guts to stand up and give his speech rather than the one they wanted him to give.
Food & Wine has the best, simplest drinking game for tonight’s speeches:
Rules: If Trump…
- Is wearing a red tie: Everyone must go around in a circle and name something that is red in the room. The person who either repeats an answer or stalls must take a shot to kick off the night.
- Says the word “huge”: Chug your beer for the length of the applause that follows. You must do this every time.
- Says the word “ISIS”: Take two sips of beer.
- Uses the adjective “beautiful“ to describe anyone in his family: Hold a modeling pose like Melania. The first person to laugh must sip his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
- Calls Hillary a criminal: Put your hands behind your back as if they are cuffed. Then take a shot by only using your mouth. The last person to finish his or her shot must also chug their beer for five seconds.
- Discusses Mexico, China or Russia: Take a sip of your mixed drink.
- Mentions Ted Cruz: Everyone has to shout “lyin’ Ted.” The last person to do so must chug his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
- Brings up guns for the first time: Everyone must immediately place a finger on their nose. The last one to do so has to shotgun a beer.
- Ends his speech with a signature thumbs up: Initiate thumb war with the person sitting next to you. Losers must chug their mixed drink for ten seconds.
- Already declares himself as November’s winner: Shake your head in bewilderment and cry because this is our new normal.
Tonight’s Alternative Programming:
- Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
- Premier Boxing Champions: Derevyanchenko-Soliman – 8:00 (ESPN)
- CFL – Calgary @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN; Canada only)
- FXX – “Treehouse of Horror” marathon – 8:00
- In order, Episodes 3, 5, 6, 13, 15, 16, 19, 20
Get ready to do all this again next week, LIVE! from Philly. PICTURE THE CHEESESTEAKS!
Holy Shit! 2: Electric Boogaloo
Did anyone see THIS?!
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36864432
Holy shit, did anyone see this?
May this help tide your sports bloodlust until training camp.
finally home from the airport. Should be a fun morning at work tomorrow. Night, Homies.
Sorry I’m late, but at least I made over $150 in tips tonight. Early pitching changes are gold for beer vendors like me.
I hear Trump did & said everything short of having his kids join him on stage in brownshirts.
That’s the big surprise on Election Night.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqvlz4IIjR1qhei2io1_500.gif
I can see my house from here!
:large
BLACK RANTS MATTER
Eep
That. Is. NOT. Fatherly. Gross motherfucker.
MAKE INCEST LEGAL AGAIN
Look at her pull her arm back. “Quit it Dad! You’ll blow the election!”
I don’t get it.
:large
Here’s a picture of James Woods to calm you’ll down:
Man Jeremy Roenick got some ass in his day.
It could be hotter here.
That’s LA, motherfuckers!
I KNOW.
It had a double meaning.
Why?
I assume Hill-Dog is seated in this photo.
They should’ve let Emily Ratajkowski speak as a concession to Bernie.
Well, it’s clearly time to prepare for the dark times ahead. Let’s see… rations, emergency lights, hatchet, makeshift shelter, water storage… Yup. All good. Just seems like something’s missing…
Hmm. Anyone know a dentist that can put a cyanide pill in my molar?
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/itsalwayssunny/images/2/22/The_Storm_of_the_Century.png
http://i1.wp.com/willowhavenoutdoor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/bleach-purification-chart1.jpg
Yeah, what Doc said. Barring the Apocalypse I’ve gotta be across the state and fit for court tomorrow morning.
Good night.
ANARCHY
http://cdn0.dailydot.com/uploaded/images/original/2012/12/27/dickclark.gif
So I’m NOT looking for you at arrivals when I land?
Sleepy time. G’night y’all!
http://cdn0.dailydot.com/uploaded/images/original/2012/12/27/dickclark.gif
Well, in lighter news: Ichiro is two hits closer to 3000 (At 2996 now). That’s awesome.
Speaking of lighter news, who’s excited for Season 3 of Bojack?
WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can we get an Instant Hippo Thoughts on Trump’s speech?
I miss Drew or Ape fisking Peter King right now.
didn’t watch, unwilling to have stroke this close to FOOTBAW SEASON
/also by some miracle North Cakalaky is a swing state now, HillyBob needs mah vote
Gestures to diversity were made tonight.
The good news is that all of this is just one of Patrick Duffy’s horrible dreams
When Rudy Giuliani* dies there will be a party at my house.
You are all invited.
*Also applies to Dick Cheney.
Oooh, what if they’re secret lovers and kill themselves in a suicide pact when the press threatens to reveal their affair?
Not only will there be a party in that scenario but I will pay all of your air* fares to get here.
*bus
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/stop_penis_erect_archer-gap.jpg
RG – “Where are the balloons?”
cut to Trumps youngest son
Where are the balloons?
http://www.picgifs.com/reaction-gifs/reaction-gifs/confused/confused048.gif
Fox is panning Trump’s speech.
That’s ominous.
When the focus groups are done with this one, HillyBob’s entire speech might be “HAI, my name is Hillary Clinton, and I am not a fascist. I also promise NEVAR to eat any of your children. Thank you, and God Bless America!!”
I spoke too soon. Hannity, Ingraham, Giuliani and some bozo Trump attorney just loved it.
Hang on while I prepare my shocked face.
https://youtu.be/Juqm94sUV_E
I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!
Name one, one, fucking country that you would rather live in right now than the USA. Just fucking one. Top to bottom, quality of life, cost of living, system of government, education what have you name me one fucking country that is better than the US.
Probably Sweden. But we are splitting hairs, still pretty great.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsory_sterilisation_in_Sweden
I just read a detective novel with that as part of its backdrop. Spooky.
Title/Author?
Jussi Adler-Olsen, “The Purity of Vengeance”
Exactly, cold and dark six months out of the year.
San Marino maybe?
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/en.futurama/images/d/da/Fry_Looking_Squint.jpg
I would imagine many Southerners would find Iceland appealing, based both on the absence of black folks and the abundance of attractive cousins to marry.
I need to get my courtin’ bathrobe outta mothballs…
On the other hand getting rid of those types of Southerners, (and quite frankly a good many of like-minded types near me), would actually make America that much greater.
This country would be better off if the SEC states were all jettisoned into the sun.
I’m pretty sure they all tried to leave on their own….
POLISH BOYS FOAR EVERYBODY
http://images1.houstonpress.com/imager/u/original/7559512/polish_boy.jpg
You sir, have my vote.
He sure has the Vatican’s support!!
John paul 2 was Pollish ppl forget that
Buddy, if you went to St. Stanislaus for elementary school you NEVER forget the time that a Pole got elected Pope.
Nuts. DFO hates p-a-y-p-a-l links
I WILL REPLACE ALL THE LEAD IN THE DRINKING WATER WITH STEROIDS AND PAINKILLERS! MAKING AMERICA STRONG AGAIN!
We already did that.
NOW WITH MORE PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGY AGENTS
Wait, this isn’t going to end with “AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK!!!”?
No, my voice is way less horrible and irritating than Trump’s.
I’m done, folks. No more of this.
Gee, I can’t wait to win again!
I feel like Trump rehearsed this speech three times, and each time decided “just a little bit louder and it’s perfect.”
He is going to get fucking murdered in debates
In addition to all those great things, Fred Trump could wear the hell out of a white sheet.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/28/in-1927-donald-trumps-father-was-arrested-after-a-klan-riot-in-queens/
It all makes sense now: trump is just a huge fan of House of Cards but is not a very good cos-player.
No. HOC is already shitty Clinton fanfic
Never watched it. Heard the first season was terrific and then it went off the rails.
We’re gonna make America bigger than ever! We’re gonna make Ireland a state!
BEE-YAH!
Wait, Lyndon Johnson’s running for the Democrats?
/And by the way, I fully support such an amendment. To paraphrase George Carlin about churches being tax exempt but getting involved in politics “You want to get in to the club you pay the fucking cover charge” or something like that.
//Please do not Melania me.
You do that, you may as well eliminate all of IRC § 501.
I’d be fine eliminating the tax breaks for all Exempt Organization
Flat tax!!!!
Fuck Ted Cruz. You want guts? Here’s Bill Burr telling a philly crowd to fuck off for 12 minutes. Fantastic shit:
https://youtu.be/3jMhoGUiIkk
I feel like a badass with one forearm in a brace and the knuckles of my other hand taped up.
I only want to abolish the 1st, 4th, and a handful of others!
That women voting one can go!
5th, 6th, 8th, 13th, 14th, 15th …
0th, 1st, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 8th… wait what are we doing again?
Trump’s gonna uphold the Constitution, except when it comes to all those companies that want to relocate, which they’re constitutionally able to do.
Whisky whisky whisky…
/drinks
Should really diversify, I hear whiskey is good too.
The VA scandal is seriously an example of a pretty small (relatively) and simple and obvious thing that Obama/Congress should have cracked down on and it would have gone a long way. There is something to be said for a government that is so inept/bloated/corrupt/dysfunctional when they can’t even crush a softball like that one.
WHAT ISNT HE GOING TO DO?????
Win
Win
JINX
Fuck. Now I have to buy you a Coke.
It’s gonna be a Mexican Coke.
http://116.imagebam.com/download/2TX1mj6IJUDAxu0LmPLImg/48486/484859040/1236651.gif
http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/933/481/858.jpg
http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/160720170241-donald-trump-hollywood-star-tiny-wall-large-169.jpg
Ballgame.
I really like Trump foreign policy proposal of basically running a “protection” racket.
Even the evangelicals see through that bullshit:
http://www.christianpost.com/news/donald-trump-scam-evangelical-voters-back-away-cp-editorial-158813/
That’s a bold statement. Evangelical voters are far an away the biggest saps in politics.
I was wondering when this speech would go off the rails, and it seems we’re here.
And everyday will be pizza day in the cafeteria!
The TSA is actually the entity that we need to repeal and replace.
Or, you know, fund.
Does Trump realize this isn’t SimCity?
I feel like Homer when they’re missing the chili cookoff, except instead of chili it’s robots bashing each other to pieces.