Assorted NFL Bits & Bites:
- Matt Forte is likely out for at least one of the Jets’ preseason games.
- Pfft – wake me when he starts missing regular season games and I have to adjust my lineup.
- Darrelle Revis is open to moving to safety from corner if either injury or team need requires.
- Makes sense. I just don’t think he fits the requirement for the number of children a Jets corner is expected to have.
- Making that franchise tag look appropriate is Alshon Jeffrey, who missed practice today due to a hamstring injury.
- PFT says Jim Caldwell doesn’t have to make the playoffs in order to save his job. Wayne Fontes wants to know what the deal is?
- Michael Bennett was kicked out of practice for fighting with the O-line & had to be restrained by Cliff Avril of all people.
- Pete Carroll called it “passion…that crossed a line.” BUT COULD IT MELT STEEL?!
Legal briefs:
- Atlanta waived Torrey
SmithGreen after learning of four (4!) sexual assault allegations dating from his time at Utah State in 2015. [edited to reflect correcting name]- Owner with-no-more-fucks-to-give Arthur Blank released a statement, saying, “We don’t want anybody connected to the organization who has those kinds of accusations around them.”
- Roger Goodell’s balls might appear a bit bigger today, after the 8th Circuit court ruled in his favour over his handling of the Adrian Peterson case.
Finally, Kyle Shanahan picked off Matt Ryan at Falcons camp.
https://twitter.com/HerbMcDerb/status/761227482561409024
That’s…not good.
The first Coaches Poll is out, and – surprise, surprise – Alabama is ranked #1. You can tell it’s horseshit because Notre Dame is in the Top-10, and Baylor is ranked 21. Expect Jim Harbaugh to have something to say about Michigan at #8.
Tonight’s sports & entertainment:
- CFL: ESPN2; TSN
- BC at Montreal – 7:00
- Saskatchewan at Calgary – 10:00
- Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
- Olympics 2016: Men’s soccer
- Sweden vs. Colombia – 6:00 – USA
- Fiji vs. South Korea – 7:00 – NBCSN
With Kellen Moore hurt and Dak Prescott nowhere near ready, the Cowboys need a backup quarterback. With Nick Foles having signed with the Chiefs Thursday morning, nfl.com has a list of actual legitimate candidates, with Josh McCown leading the list that also includes Mike Glennon, TJ Yates, and Michael Vick.
But that’s not DFO.
This is DFO – it’s time to engage in the best kind of speculation – wild speculation!
Tim Tebow
Let’s just get this weak-armed consistent rumor out of the way now. Nope. Never. He’s firmly ensconced at the SEC Network, and busily prepping his 2018 run for Congress representing Gainesville.
Plus, he’s a virgin, and while Jerry Jones might trust him to help with the cover-up, he doesn’t trust anyone who’s never done coke off a hooker’s behind.
Johnny Manziel
A logical choice, given his love of hookers & blow, plus you know Jerry J would like to right the wrong he was talked out of during that draft. Plus, the four-game suspension awaiting him upon his return to active playing is on the moderate side of what the Cowboys are used to these days. In addition, helping an A&M boy right his ship would get ol’ Double-J the positive press he loves.
The downside – no one can find him. Why, he could be behind you…RIGHT NOW!
Rex Grossman
OH YEAH – THE SEX CANNON!
Seriously – he’s only 35, and a full 2 1/2 years younger than Josh McCown. He’s got an arm that’s been proven somewhat capable, and he was last in training camp with the Falcons in 2015, who cut him just before the season started.
He’ll always be a hero to me because the Browns tried to sign him to a one-week contract in December 2014, and he said no because he preferred to stay on vacation. Vacation from what? DOESN’T MATTER!
Kyle Orton
Retired at the end of the 2014 season, he’s always considered a favourite because he has worn Cowboys colours in the past. Plus, there’s the immeasurable experience in cleaning up Romo’s messes.
But he seems to really be enjoying retirement, as he’s mused running for Congress from his current hometown of Baton Rouge, LA.
Jon Kitna
Don’t laugh. He’s done the fill-in duty for the Cowboys before. A downside is that he’s 43 years old, he is teaching & coaching high school in Waxahachie, Texas for $95,000 / year, and why the fuck would he?
But, if the Cowboys don’t have someone under contract after they face Seattle in Week 3 of the preseason, desperate times and all that. Plus, don’t discount JERRAL hitting up Mammy & Pappy Kitna about whether their son wants to come out and play again.
Jordan Rodgers
Not really an option, but Jerry did see him on TV the other night, trying to make an honest woman of some hooker he met who was down on her luck.
However, there have been stories lately about how he doesn’t get along with his brother Aaron. Probably because Jordan doesn’t approve of Asian girls*. And if there’s one thing Jerry can’t stand, it’s someone who’d turn down quality poon discriminate based on race.
* = unproven allegation
Snagglepuss
- Upside: Has great lateral movement.
- Downside: Unfamiliar with playbook. Might be unable to read.
Plus, he’s constantly being hounded by the law.
Sounds like the perfect 21st Century Jerry Jones draft pick.
Magilla Gorilla
Has the size Jerry Jones covets. He’s willing to play for bananas. Plus, he has game experience.
He’s also huge with the kids, a fact modern marketing can’t afford to ignore.
Now it’s your turn.
EVERYTHING IS BROKEN
http://i.makeagif.com/media/10-27-2015/C1Kuqa.gif
Not everything.
/looks down
Don’t know what else to do:
http://ww3.sinaimg.cn/large/0068ZTgLjw1f14js665hag306u070kjn.gif
Look at that talent
http://www.doseoffunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/0EEks.gif
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mak77y6MKD1r5c792o3_250.gif
When the back of your head touches your butt…….. you may be sore later.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_le7y5ecacD1qbdvbxo1_500.jpg
Gonna keep trying:
http://cdn.niketalk.com/b/bd/bd67a3a8_image.gif
A flip, you say?
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/1239177107_tricycle-jump-fail.gif
Third time’s the charm!
http://2new1.fjcdn.com/reaction_gifs/No+nipples+but+gotta+be+close+_04af1cb454a560d792f2b28565c02140.gif
Hmmm….
http://2new2.fjcdn.com/funny_gifs/Amanda+love_c4133e_5888803.gif
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/122011/1324404979_bike_ramp_jump_fail.gif
Time for a flip:
http://33.media.tumblr.com/1c9d3b34125776aa0f81fc23eb6c5c8b/tumblr_nxcnr02MEn1sqkjcto1_400.gif
Men, you’re all missing the obvious choice to get back under center for Dallas:
http://insidethestar.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/off-season-progress-report-cowboys-begin-2016-2.jpg
http://66.media.tumblr.com/4f093b0f9c4b8314f7a73e7fa27ff9c9/tumblr_o7rlafKMIC1r09gu3o1_1280.jpg
It’s a good thing this is my bible:
http://media2.s-nbcnews.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photo_StoryLevel/071223/071223-tinybible-vmed-4p.grid-4×2.jpg
Story: http://www.nbcnews.com/id/22380819/ns/technology_and_science-innovation/t/scientists-inscribe-entire-bible-head-pin/
Borked
What tha wa?
http://66.media.tumblr.com/28fee7966bac6ed122def34d9f7db55c/tumblr_oaez36u6Gc1qzzsdjo1_1280.jpg
http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/5fa77654-b992-4229-87e4-f6b3e59152a0/39e78e7d-5782-4f80-a5dd-e399e4bd69e0.gif
http://67.media.tumblr.com/acd5b2f5891f96fba3fe6ee4fe57694e/tumblr_o5zo82htHx1uctr63o1_1280.jpg
My reaction upon seeing this headline (before even reading the story):
“Not hard enough.”
http://www.wftv.com/news/officials-george-zimmerman-punched-in-face-for-allegedly-bragging-about-killing-trayvon-martin/417278308
http://66.media.tumblr.com/0e1ba2474aaddfed699a95aafcacc5ff/tumblr_o85vmjuN1k1qin4ceo1_1280.jpg
My reaction before even reading the link….. damn, wrong again.
Where do y’all stand on Big Floss?
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/03/dentists-great-flossing-yarn
I’ve never flossed regularly and I’ve never had a cavity.
God Bless J.W. McLean and A.D. Wilson.[13]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dental_sealant
If you’re a parent get your children’s permanent teeth sealed ASAMFP
I’m going after Big Toothpaste next; the physical, mechanical action of brushing is what’s important! The only active ingredient listed in toothpast is fluoride, same as WATER! Wake up sheeple! Or some other ruminant quadruped with lots of teeth!
http://www.notorious-rob.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/forest-for-trees.jpg
Not in Portland. Filthy hippies.
New type of marinating technique?
http://66.media.tumblr.com/c9284f629b78fae53b531b2b368cd961/tumblr_n5a5qqrjAk1qewacoo2_500.gif
PGIT bro!
When you gotta go you gotta go mfers
How hard would you punch that fucker if that was your fridge?
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/032011/1299505990_mortar-launch-fail.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/f0ab1270d65abf969e0fc31609fa8e25/tumblr_oaled7UUnk1qzxzcso1_500.gif
I think it’s French for “A tout of the tound”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU-dKoFZT0A&list=RDMMiJbDvTKh3lk&index=6
Crap, I meant mount. As in, the mound in yo pants.
Dear Canada,
The Montreal Alouettes continue to disappoint.
As a future resident of the province I must register my frustration with the performance of the team.
I trust that this problem will be resolved in the shortest possible order.
Cordially,
Sill Bimmons
http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt2lfprc7g1qz50dao1_500.jpg
No one has scored in 14 minutes…this match is now boring.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/dcdc27779320f47ade9c533911b09e84/tumblr_mm6qh00tSp1rpj04no1_500.gif
Whenever I see PFT my brain now autofills to PFTCommenter
http://66.media.tumblr.com/ad37eaa7ff6586eb7bc32a775cb7bfd7/tumblr_oa7zxi8Sc71s3rlr2o1_400.gif
2-2….
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/gqamwjmgyeiz6wabddbj.gif
FUCK YOU STOLE THE GIF I WAS GONNA POST
My boredom at work allows for faster gif-ing
2-1!!! NIGERIA OFF THE KICK OFF!!!
THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!
HOLY SHIT NIGERIA!!!
Team manager has already decided that the team is not allowed to sleep ever again…
Boo that call. The Nigerian defending cleanly got the ball.
Now 1-1…
I recommend Jimmy Carter for back up. He has documented experience managing a game for 444 days, then stepping aside and letting the glory boy take credit.
I doubt however that Romo would be funneling funds to the Patriots so that they could send weapons to Mexican drug cartels to destabilize the El Paso region of the state…
Actually now that I think about it…I could see JJ attempting to pull something off like this…
Come on Nigeria!
>Only rooting for Nigeria because the Japanese home office sent me to Houston just to get fucking food poisoning…
Solid logic!
USA Rugby may very well be a laughingstock these days, but in the days of men and rugby we ruled with an iron fist:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugby_union_at_the_1920_Summer_Olympics
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugby_union_at_the_1924_Summer_Olympics
Nevermind for a moment that it only took three match victories to secure those two Gold Medals.
USARFU are still the defending Two-Time Gold Medalists and will remain so until the true sport is restored.
Its like Notre Dame…back when only the whites were allowed to play…
Or…everything else…
How did Staubach not end up in politics? Military plus Football success? He could’ve been king of the plains straight up.
Maybe he’s not a self-aggrandizing douchenozzle.
MAYBE
Too busy helping Jesus and making a company he sold for $600 million, I guess.
There you go.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/9c820e804e088b50a3a155bd972fc8c4/tumblr_n6b6o8ml6Y1s7km96o2_1280.gif
Is there a rule that states an actual catapult is not allowed to be a quarterback in the NFL? I feel like the Double-J may want to exploit this if not.
I got another potential banner of a back up QB for the Cowboys…
Considered one of the BEST college QB’s ever. Ties to the state and community. Professional experience but not too much wear and tear. And with a wonderlic score of 6 out of 50…you never have to worry about him over thinking the game. He also seriously needs cash so you got a relatively talented, motivated player.
Ladies and Gentlemen…I give you…the Tony Romo Memorial Backup QB….
VINCE YOUNG!
Its a perfect fit. No downside.
http://www.smashthehsc.com/uploads/3/0/8/2/30822773/2407724_orig.png
I got to go off on a side rant about Vince Young. As a person that has struggled with the effects of concussions due to the military, and mental health issues as well, the way the NFL, his owner, and the team handled his episode where he disappeared basically showed exactly why its so fucking hard for people to seek out help for mental health issues.
beer
Results coming in?
It IS National IPA Day…
http://blogaboutbeer.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/1/files/2014/02/alesmithipa.jpg
BTW FYI IYGAF
This “rugby” isn’t rugby.
It’s Sevens.
Sevens is an incredibly difficult form of ground acquisition football, but it has nothing to do with rugby.
It’s like saying that 4.8 A Side would be at all representative of football.
Don’t be taken in by the ruse.
If there aren’t 30 players on the pitch it ain’t rugby.
At least they use Union rules.
True, but it’s fewer than half of the players that participate in the actual game.
Even Elevens, 5 forwards and 6 backs, would give the novice spectator some idea of what a rugby match is.
Sevens is just little men running around for 28 minutes.
http://media.giphy.com/media/YvmezbNxET1U4/giphy.gif
Its now 6-0 South Korea over Fiji…
That’s because this guy plays Sevens:
http://e1.365dm.com/16/04/768×432/savenaca-rawaca-fiji-kenya-hong-kong-sevens_3446378.jpg
Looking forward to the 7s tournament.
Yeah, but…it’s just not rugby.
How is this not the theme of this year’s games?
http://youtu.be/z3rcmrRtnIQ
Disclosure: Yes, I owned this as a child.
http://www.ohmagif.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/funny-boxing-moves.gif
Snagglepuss’s lateral quickness is negated by a tendency to telegraph his moves. Verbally, even.
Power sweep, stage right even!
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwwe1rktmj1qztwte.gif
It’s fun watching NBC try their damnedest to scrub off all the issues regarding the Rio games.
They using lysol? Tetracycline perhaps?
“Her name is Rio, and she poopies in the sand..
/no fucking music note emoji from this mofo
Mostly a bunch of puff pieces of how Zika’s not that bad and they’re totally safe, they swear!
/Yet, I’ll still watch because I’m such a geography nerd and love the parade of nations.
Plus its winter and no one has even seen a mosquito. Flies here and there, but no skeeters – they all gone north up to AMERICA
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/4066704/still-not-clean-o.gif
http://www.theonion.com/article/study-average-persons-enjoyment-vacation-drops-36–53448
That giant golden head in the sky is a GODDAMNED STAR!!!
/also this Canadia footy is fucking putrid
This guy might be a runningback but I think the head would be pleased.
As Walton Goggins delightfully said on this week’s Vice Prncipals, “I do believe the children call it ‘truffle butter.'”
Headward, free now to rise.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/1bb8858b3e1c09069f29e82d7e398a40/tumblr_mr9l0v1cXY1ri2w9zo1_400.gif
So many former Stillers in this Canadaball contest!
http://i.usatoday.net/sports/_photos/2009/09/17/steelersx.jpg
http://www.post-gazette.com/image/2013/11/27/720x_q90_cMC_z/rainey-4.jpg
They even have a Lowest Common Denominator!
I know the answer: LCD = 1.
Although, the real lowest common denominator would be… -∞ (negative infinity) since 11/-∞ and 22/-∞ both equal (types into calculator) low battery. QED.
http://s2.dmcdn.net/Titb/1280×720-pm8.jpg
The least common denominator of any whole number and another whole number is 1, which makes it a mathematical non-standard.
The LCD = Mouthbreathing Yinzers.
Duh.
When the fuck did Tim Tebow start hosting a reality show on Fox?
I honest to god thought you were making a joke until I flipped over to check.
I don’t modern American culture at all…
I’m guessing this is something about promise rings or something…
http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h106/thegarv/GIFs/DanaSond.gif
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/f5/f5fcc36f403852590c15d260ae12c1a2dc2c31886d00b8926e02de96cc45f2bb.jpg
I don’t get this battle bot show. Its like 20 minutes of video and people rambling on and on. Do the bots actually ever do anything?
Also…white people…stop making white dreads a thing.
Just the fights, like 8 minutes out of every 42 minute show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBkEMZg1iqQ&list=PLDe0CguuqcMD6Ee3rQfJBkUCKzilzx1lF
Also, there’s still too much non fighting in these versions.
I think I got a guy…now he is a bit long in the tooth…but scrappy as all hell.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KZW-nLDw1IM/VglwXpIb_4I/AAAAAAAAE5M/_LgpAEWeB7E/s1600/Report-San-Francisco-49ers-to-name-Tomsula-head-coach.jpg
Pros- Hungry…I mean literally hungry. Tough…once stabbed three fellow FTRA members with a pen knife over a can of beans.
Cons- At 49…there are questions about his chin. Also has never mastered an NFL play book. He can be difficult to remove from the facilities once he is let go. You also want to de-lice him before you let him into the locker room.
That’s powdered sugar…
http://cynobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Farva-1.jpg
No love for naked Kevin Heffernan?
Fine.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-od9sHctnUXM/TbBSpGfAFBI/AAAAAAAADJI/Yn86gk9Dudc/s400/Shower+Time.jpg
http://www.growthguided.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/tumblr_ne9dh3fkei1s02vreo1_400.gif
Here’s Kristen Wiig as JoJo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdS-sSEqxro
You can have Tina and Amy.
WIIG FTW
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/07/14/16/3641ECB000000578-3690309-image-m-29_1468511597727.jpg
That’s my favorite photo of Johnny Manziel ever.
Yup, Johnny. Those women are totally into you for your looks and personality.
Which I guess might not really matter at that point, but I’ll bet ladies of that caliber are pretty thin on the ground around JFF nowadays.
I still have faith that he’s still got a “dating a stripper/porn star” stage left in him.
Oh, he does, just not of that caliber.
He’s still got more than enough family money to troll for alley skanks.