College football is a fucking joke.

Hey look! Iowa Asshole Polytechnic edged out Oklahoma Electrical Training Institute 65-8! It was close and we can’t wait for the rematch in the second annual North Dakota State Police Training Academy Brutality Bowl! What a contest.

Give me a goddamn break. Every year we are expected to get all hard and purple over the college football season. Why? It’s always the same cast of characters who play for schools that are so shot through with corruption it would make Don Corleone blush and say, “Hey, don’t you think that’s a little too much?”

Let’s not forget the “athlete – students”, that term makes me laugh harder than “The Trump Committee for Improving Muslim Relationships.” The closest any of these guys get to a classroom is when they’re trying to sodomize a slutbag groupie outside of an academic building at 3 am.

Plus, college football is big in the South. I went to school in the not deep South, and most of the times I wanted to ram a chainsaw up the ass of every stupid, narrow minded fuckface I met. I was actually referred to as an “Eye-talian” and a “papist”. I don’t take religion seriously, but these words were used during a discussion about a movie. We didn’t fight, but I later poured a beer into this dickhead’s laundry basket.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush, but Southern people are goddamn idiots. You can’t carry on the family tradition of fucking your sister in the henhouse and expect the result to be Oxford Scholars. They seem to take pride in their ignorance, rejecting what society judges to be “normal.” Clinging to history about the War of Northern Aggression is a fave pastime – when they’re not out fucking raccoons or burning crosses.

Fuck you if you think racism in that part of the country is dead. I think it’s given as an intro class in first grade. I do enjoy the rich, juicy irony of dumbass cracker peckerheads yelling and screaming for a black man every Saturday. Face it, you put that player behind a counter in a 7-11 and he’d be called every racist name in the book.

And the bulletheads who reside in the Flyover States aren’t any better. Sure, they prefer meth to alcohol when it comes to destroying their cortexes, but every last one of them is too dumb to operate a gumball machine. You know what all those states need? Deadly meteor showers that pummel them into oblivion. Then we can pave over it and turn all that acreage into a kickass skatepark.

Do I need to talk about the sleazebag coaches who leave copious trails of toxic slime every day? Nick Saban is a festering shitbag, and that’s a compliment. He’s the only college coach I know by name, but you can be sure every other swinging dick in that industry has one thing in mind: exploit these “student-athletes” for a national championship. That and getting away with cornholing sorority girls in their offices. I do know one other college coach, and that’s Jerry Sanduskey – his dick should be garroted via high quality barbwire. (Don’t think I give Joe Pa a pass because of our shared culture. I don’t.)

Are we finished?

The NCAA continues to serve as an exercise in hypocrisy, slavering greed, and smugness that hasn’t been seen since Nero’s days on the throne. How in the ever loving fuck of fucks can this ruling body keep their money machines at the poverty line while they reap millions of dollars from their efforts? Yes, I’m being bombastic and broad, but you get the idea. The NCAA is Peter North and John Holmes combined when it comes to ass fucking the people they are supposed to be protecting.

Finally, fuck all those stupid traditions and ESPN’s College Gameday circle jerk. That is the depths of shitty broadcasting and on air talent that should be sent to the glue factory. I don’t care about shit traditions repeated ad nauseum for 120 years. Every one of them is dumber than a subway train full of Elvis impersonators. Your mascots are insipid and scary as fuck, those suits smell like a combination of assholes, rancid milk, and despair.

So go die in a grain silo explosion, college football. I’ll go watch a better product – professional Quidditch on the Ocho.

See you dicksmacks later.