Dallas Cowboys 2016: A Season Of Redemption & Donuts & Suspensions Oh My!

You may remember that last year’s initial preview was full of hope and optimism that this might be the year that Tony Romo’s Dallas Cowboys would finally make some real noise in the play-offs, maybe even win the Super Bowl for the first time since 1995. The Cowboys had drafted well, they had a terrific O-line, Romo was coming off of an amazing run, Dez Bryant had managed not to belt his mother and the defense was looking up. And we all know how that worked out.

In Week 1 Dez Bryant broke his foot and draft steal Randy Gregory sprained his ankle. In Week 2 Romo broke his collarbone and Brandon Weeden got a job. In Week 3 Sean Lee got another concussion. The Cowboys staggered their way to a 4-12 record, last place in the NFC East, (which they had to try to do), and the fourth pick in this year’s draft. It was truly a year to remember.

He sure does.

And so we ask, with the 2016 season looming upon us, what fresh hell do Cowboys fans have to look forward to this year?

First one has to ask “Did the Cowboys improve” and the answer is that they almost certainly did.

Or did not. It’s hard to tell.

In the draft they led off, somewhat surprisingly, with Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott. Although RB was fairly far down the list of pressing needs for the Cowboys I like the pick; I think with a healthy Romo & Bryant and that O-line, Elliott does what Demarco Murray did for them in 2014 and that’s very, very good. The Cowboys took Dak Prescott in the 4th round as well, finally looking to line-up a QB for when Romo turns to dust or eats his way out of the league. No idea if Prescott is the man or not, (early returns seem promising) but at least they tried.

Tony Romo, Dear The Sweet Baby Jesus & The Good Lord save us all, is the most valuable player on the Cowboys and by process of elimination and Texas logic, the Most Important Person In The Goddamn World. He is back and healthy, although “healthy” in the sense that he has no broken bones and apparently not in the sense that his cholesterol count is below 280 or that he could fit into a waist size 42 pair of Bad Idea jeans. If he’s as good as he was in 2014 he’ll be great. If he’s not starting due to injury or diabetes the ‘Boys are fucked.

The offensive line remains All-World. They could be the best in the league. I’m convinced they didn’t have a good year last year because, without Demarco Murray in the backfield from the start, and without Dez Bryant after the first 45 minutes or so of the season, defenses had no reason to respect anything about the offense and could just tee it up all day long. And that was before Weeden came in. With Ezekiel Elliot in at RB, with Dez Bryant healthy and with Tony Romo presumably throwing passes and not trying to see how many Krispy Kremes he can put away before the huddle breaks, (I’ve got him as good for at least 4; 7 if there’s a TV time-out involved), I think defenses will have to be more honest and the O-line will be able to go back to doing what they did in 2014, which was knock the bejesus out of other teams.

The receiving begins with Dez Bryant and ends with Father Time taking a big ol’ whack at Jason Witten. Bryant is the best WR in the game when he’s healthy and/or not acting like a goddamn 4 year old, which last year boiled down to exactly no games. The other top options at WR are Terrence Williams and Cole Beasley, neither of whom did anything last year, after Bryant went out, that would make anyone but their mothers, (and possibly Dez Bryant’s mother), think they were worth much. Honestly, with all the needs that the Cowboys have, drafting a really good WR with their 4th pick wouldn’t have been the dumbest thing they could have done. As for Witten I love the guy and he’s been a consistently very good TE for years, but the problem is that he’s been a consistently good TE for years, and it’s starting to show. He’s 34 and had a number of injuries last season, which slowed his production. Of course one could make the very accurate argument that anyone who lost Dez Bryant from the opposing defense’s coverage concerns and had Brandon Fucking Weeden throwing him the ball would see his production drop so maybe the big guy has one more campaign left in him. The Cowboys did take a TE in the 6th round, which may not seem like a big deal until you realize that he played college basketball, which means he’ll be awesome and that the announcers will never shut the fuck up about it.

The defense is, to put it bluntly, a goddamn crime scene. Literally. Remember Randy Gregory, the guy the Cowboys stole in the second round of the 2015 draft? Suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Demarcus Lawrence, the guy with 8 sacks and 35 solo tackles last year? Suspended four games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. I honestly just cut and pasted that. Rolando McClain, the guy that ably filled in when Sean Lee went down, again? Suspended 10(!) games for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Sean Lee? Well, he’s still there, but at this point is held together with baling wire and bubble gum. The secondary, in a rare bit of good news, has pretty much everyone back, healthy and apparently drug free, from 2015. The bad news is that the secondary has pretty much everyone back from 2015. The Dallas secondary sucks. They’re ranked 30th out of 32 teams. Could be worse; could be the Bears! And at least they got rid of Greg Hardy.

The Cowboys addressed their defensive needs in the draft with their second pick, Jaylon Smith, who could be the steal of the draft, but we won’t know that until 2017, because Smith has no knee. Nothing like finishing 4-12 and spending your 2nd pick on a guy who can’t possibly help you this year, or possibly ever. In the 3rd and 4th rounds they took a DE and a DT, neither of whom I know anything about but both of whom could get significant playing time because everyone else on the D-line is high AF.

So what does it all mean? 12-4 and a high play-off seed or 4-12 and another top draft pick amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, (which for the record I am generally in favor of)? Looking at their schedule and putting 12 seconds of thought into it while drinking beer and rewatching ‘Battle of the Bastards’ from Game of Thrones I came up with a record of 10-6. Could be enough to win the NFC East, should be enough to get a wild card, but no matter what, it ain’t gonna be enough to win the Superb Owl.

And if Romo and Bryant go down again in week 4 you can find me watching hockey.