Week Three is here, and only four teams remain perfect at the top. City, United, Chelski…and HULL. Perhaps the most dysfunctional side in all of the Premiership, with barely enough healthy bodies to just play. It’s rare that a two-game winning streak is any sort of incredible feat, but this one so qualifies.

Manure get the Tigers on big NBC at 12:30 EST, so we will be down to 3 perfectos at most at the first ridiculous international break.

Back to the opener, the Redshite (fresh off a hilarious loss to Burnley) face Spurs (7:30, NBCSN). Should be a fairly entertaining, high scoring affair, featuring loads of players you would love to punch in the face. Speaking of Burnley, they play Chelski in the main game of the 10 am window, with my Blues facing off against the shithouses of Stoke on Extra Time. Other sides are also participating, but I don’t much care.

What’s with Middlesborough and all their feature outings? They get another, against even crappier West Brom early Sunday (8:30, CNBC). West Ham gets City in a much more interesting game to finish things off (11:00, MSNBC).

Back to Litre_Cola, with no further delay!!

Your 3 week late EPL Preview part deux.
Better late than pregnant!

I jest I jest, well, not really, soon to be Mrs Cola is late. No joke. To all those dads out there I will be leaning on you as I am a 17 year old stuck in a 40 year olds body.

Anywhooo when we last left you we finished at Man City (buddy cole’s favourite city). So that means next is….oh God, how I hate these pricks and all their fans.

Manchester United: Let’s take a moment to parallel these asshats with an NFL team shall we? Yep these guys are just like the Cowboys. Let’s see if they added anyone to make up for their finish last year and unfortunate placement in the Europa League. Dear God no! Yep they got God’s gift to managing, Jose Mourinho.

Well he is the smuggest manager in the history of futbol, that being said the man has won everywhere and it was fantastic when he failed his last venture. This was inevitable as the most smug fan base gets the smuggest manager in the history of the game. There is not a corner of this globe where you will not find a pompous Man U fan. Did they pick up any players to strengthen their side? Yes, yes they did. Are they cocky and smug? Yes, yes they are. The Red Devils corrected an earlier error by picking up Paul Pogba who used to be there, but what is millions of pounds in error between megalomaniac owners. They also added the most interesting man in the world in Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I used to love the man until this move. He will score a million goals and the Red Devil fans will go mental, and deservedly so.

Prediction: Uggh, they will win the league

Middlesbrough: Ummm, they are a team, they yo-yo, they wear red and white. Fulham just beat them in the EFL Cup. A quick search for female fans gave me this, and that is enough thought for this team.

Prediction: Don’t care where they finish, probably end up seeing them in the Championship

Southampton: They were fantastic on their way up a few years ago then inexplicably sold all of their players to Liverpool but played incredibly well with a depleted squad. In continuing with my love for quaint futbol grounds, I adore St. Mary’s park. They had to move from a great old ground known as The Dell which would have been insane for a matchday at capacity 15 000. Their keeper is Fraser Forster and that name makes me laugh. Even if we looked up any of their starlets they would be sold next transfer window so don’t waste your time.

Prediction: They will be mid table for sure and then sell any player that has an iota of skill.

Stoke City: I will not lie, I hate them. Their manager Mark Hughes is a loser who thinks he should be managing a top four club. He should not be. They are dirty and even Pepe from Real Madrid would think these guys all fly in studs high. They for used have used throw ins as sort of corner kicks and if you didn’t know throw ins travel much slower than a corner kick. Idiots. Ibrahim Affelay is a great player, Charlie Adam is 87 years old, and skeletor Peter Crouch and his stupid robot dance is still there. I hope these guys go down like Nina Hartley. Necessary Hippo Note: Mark Hughes is cunt. (Type that sentence match week, instantly get double digit likes on Everton forum.) Stoke are collectively a bunch of thundercunts. A cunt marriage made in cunt heaven.

Prediction: They will stay up and I will hate every second of it.

Sunderland: Well since Newcastle went down this is the Northeast’s only hope. In all honesty I thought they went down. Sunderland is in Newcastle and let me tell you a weekend there is completely awesome. What a party town. There is a problem with this though, the Geordie accent is unintelligible after 9 pm. Believe me when I say this, I came down there from Southwest Scotland where they are marble mouthed but Geordies bring incoherence to a new level.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Prediction: They are still in the Prem and I am still shocked.

Swansea: How good was the run of Wales in the Euros???/ It was awesome to be there in my opinion. Their fans are great and get a lot of stick walking down the street when randoms will yell out sheep shaggers.

Necessary Hippo Note: Picture may also be of West Virginia prom night. I have a soft spot for these guys and have always wanted them to do well. Cardiff on the other hand can piss off. Fernando Llorente is damn good, plus I like double ll words, Lukasz Fabianski is a serviceable keeper, and Nathan Dyer is so bloody fast that this team is enjoyable to watch.

Prediction: They could make a Europa League spot if things fall right.

Tottenham Hotspur: Hey hey, they made it to the Champions League! Let us not focus on the fact that they really should have caught Leicester but didn’t. Last year was their shot at the title and now they will settle back in to where they belong in the table. I have gone to a game at White Hart Lane and it is a shithole. If any team with aspirations like theirs needed a new stadium it is Spurs. The game I was at was vs West Ham and the Spur fans were put on notice by the league that their ‘Yids” chant would not be tolerated. They have a very big Jewish fanbase and they chant that at the pitch as a way of solidarity. The FA stated this as anti-Semitic but alas, they were chanting it themselves. Since that day it is no longer arrestable, however when I was at the game there were arrests. Necessary Hippo Note: Well, shit. Don’t go and make me respek a side that employs Harry Fucking Kane. Their team is loaded with guys that are just shy of going to a huge club. They are lethal on their day and White Hart Lane is a fortress. They are building a new stadium as they wanted the Olympic Stadium but West Ham got it, we will get in to that later.

Prediction: 6th. They will be tired from an extensive fixture schedule.

Watford: They are in North London. I recognize Heurelio Gomes, he is mediocre. Here are Watford fans if this tickles you fancy.

Prediction: They will be sent back down where they belong. Necessary Hippo Note: If Marc Trestman wasn’t a Hornets supporter before, he is NOW!

West Bromwich Albion: Do you care? I do not. They yo-yo and are an irritant.

West Ham United: We are working class DURRRRRR, heart of East London DURRRRRRR, sold our soul to play in the new Olympic stadium that does not match our fanbase at all. I used to respect West Ham fans as they were fairly silent due to their neighbours Spurs, and Arsenal, but they have left their great old stadium for the Olympic Stadium. I feel that their soul is gone and they shouldn’t even blow bubbles when they score or win. I think that this was one of the great quirky things in English Football but now with the corporate stadium it is not fitting.

Dimitri Payet is a weapon and is a joy to watch. Andrew Ayew is a great fit with horse faced Andy Carroll, and Sakho is very fun to watch. I will tune in for their games but it will not be the same as when they played at Upton Park.

Prediction: Mid table.

Thank you for your time, I hope we all learned at least one thing.

Litre_Cola
Canadianist Eagles fan, and EURO 2016 DFO Ambassador.