Introduction: In the realm of football-related ventures, deciding to assess the value of the Atlanta Falcons prior to the 2016 didn’t seem like a difficult task to take on. Sure, I have Seahawks season tickets, but DangeRuss & Co. are the domain of Beastmode Ate My Baby. I’ve been a Packers fan since I was a kid, mostly to annoy my Vikings-loving father, but they are the purview of better people like Packman_Jon, and we all enjoyed what Cuntler had to say.

But the Falcons?

Well, their new stadium looks like a goatse,

I remember Steve Bartkowski. When I was a kid, he was kinda good.

Then there was this clown,

https://youtu.be/E5sIzGXJ8mw

Some coaching genius; he couldn’t make use of prime Primetime, and Andre Rison won a Super Bowl with Green Bay. The guy who almost broke John Elway was the coach who took them to their only Super Bowl. Oh, and speaking of Falcons Super Bowls…

I once outdrank Chris Chandler at a UW fraternity party.

In short,

Evaluation: I made the conscious decision to watch the Week 3 preseason game against Miami, so I’d have something to write about. What did I see?

• Matt Ryan – goal line interception!
• Julio Jones – twisted knee!
• Keanu Neal – injured knee!
• Matt Schaub – first of three probable teams he’ll play for!

I quickly switched channels, and didn’t watch their fourth preseason game. I figured if I watched any more, confirmation bias dictates they may not have had a team left to field on opening day. So actual research seemed out of the question.

So I turned to the internet. Surely a device that can provide answers to what two girls could do with one cup might be able to help me divine what talent the Falcons might have on their roster. However, I also remembered that WCW was from Atlanta, so I fell down a Youtube rabbit hole of Ric Flair promos for about an hour.

Finally, bereft of ideas, I figured I’d listen to some Atlanta music. After a quick scan of Wikipedia, there seemed plenty from across genres to appeal to my broad tastes. Maybe that would help give me inspiration, or – in Robin Thicke fashion – something to plagiarize into an article.

First, “So Fresh, So Clean”, by Outkast.

Next, some Black Crowes,

Then, before I got back on task, some Mastodon – “Curl of the Burl”

Distractions aside, I was still not having much luck looking for Falcons analogies. But then, deep down on the list of “suggested videos”, there was a video of Gordon Ramsay making mayonnaise.

Of course! There was my answer, and also an explanation about why Falcons games make me hungry for chicken salad. But I couldn’t justify using specialty mayonnaise – only store-brand would suffice here.

Perusing the Hellman’s website, I found a whole series of products to perfectly describe this team. Behold!

Analysis:

Ownership: Arthur Blank. Co-founded Home Depot. Name sounds like a Dead Kennedys bassist.

Loves dogs; hates Michael Vick. Team may never draft a black QB again as a result.

Quarterback: Good news Atlanta, it’s the “Pick-6 Brothers” – Matts Ryan & Schaub! 

Honestly, it seems too spicy.

Running Backs: Young but inexperienced. Not going to get a lot of second-half touches.

Good with the right meal; bad in most other circumstances.

WR/TE: Julio Jones, depth at Tight End, and youth that will develop. But, mostly Julio.

The only good thing on the shelf, but so over-processed/coached as to be rendered useless.

Defensive Front: A mix of veteran & rookie, which should keep them in 2/3s of their games.

You’re told it tastes good, but generally lacks any real flavour. “It exists” is not a compliment.

Safeties: Only one player with more than 2 years service. Their touted rookie blew his knee in preseason.

Because it’s the product, not portion control, that made you the size you are.

Coaching: Sounds like a fancy and unique upgrade over the previous iteration, but it’s the same old product with one minor change.

Mayonesa! Make your sandwich #UpForWhatever!

Conclusion: Based on that minimalist observation and my rapidly declining interest, I’m predicting a mayonnaise sandwich of a 6-10 record. They play Tampa & the Saints twice, and get the Niners, Eagles, Rams and Chargers. There’s gotta be 6 wins in there somewhere. A perfect storm maybe gets them to 8-8, satisfying their half-empty stadium but ruining their 2017 draft position.

Either way, when the season is done, I think Julio Jones follows Megatron into retirement because his team sucked the fun out of the game for him. They’re going to need a couple more years of high draft picks, an upgrade at quarterback, and Carolina’s eventual downturn before they can begin a march past cromulence and back into the realm of possible playoff teams.