YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
I’m sure this has been mentioned, but Wade Phillips was the Evil Coach in the Waterboy, wasn’t he?
Aerosmith, grittiest band ever.
Somebody would like a word…
You spelled “greediest” wrong.
WHY IS ALL THE MUSIC I LIKE A LIE!?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rws_7mLTqj8
12th Man was originated during my orgies playing football in Austria! 😉
So how bad has Jared banging more kids than Sandusky hurt Subway?
That file path makes me twitch
DTZM FOR MEAST
[Door creaks open]
Hello? Anyone still live here?
SEP! SEP! SEP! SEP!
/cums
‘sup Sep?
I’m glad to have to made it to this most glorious of days
Steve Young played in 100 and nice amount of games
Someone take that baby away from those Subway obsessed folks or else they’ll Jared the kid.
Do you guys think we’ll have a singificant event not have a major motion picture within five years of the event occuring?
Jaden Smith as Colin Kaepernick in…The Sitdown.
One more bourbon and I’m going out to torch as many fucking Subway stores as I can. These commercials eat shit.
I’ve heard Sully is good, but I can’t wait for the sequels, “Tawmy” and “Mahky Mahk stops 9/11”
Between Tom Hanks salary and the marketing budget the rest of Sully must have cost about $10 to make.
I know it’s largely makeup but Tom Hanks as Sully aged him like 40 years overnight.
Cam is gonna vulture all of Jonathan Stewart’s TDs this year, isn’t he?
Oh god yes.
Sadly I took him in 2 important drafts this year and it is painful to cheer for him. But I hope so.
Well, on the plus side, I can just replace him in Flex with Kelvin Benjamin and hopefully get a few, I guess.
I want more cheerleader ass shots after the break.
Running fumble drills in the living room. Fucking hilarious.
Oklahoma oar GTFO
Oh shit, the Scott Hall celebration!
Kubiak: DAMN, WADE! CAN YOU FUCKIN’ COUNT?
Bum’s Son: Fuck you! You got your deal off ya man; I got my deal off props.
12th Man joke during a Broncos game. Now many people in Denver just got triggered?
Cant be the 12th man any more, Seattle quit paying Texas A & M rent
Camdown! Celebration penalty pending…
Donks have forgotten how to count this half, apparently.
Hey kids, I had to rebuild the plugin that loads the comments for you on the fly. It went wild and was refreshing comments every second instead of ever minute, and was murderfacing the server.
IT’S JUST EXCITED FOR OUR WITTY FOOTBALL COMMENTS!
Those wild and crazy plugins!!!
Thank you as always for your work.
Good fuckin hustle
Nice work, man.
You’re the best!
I’ll find my Kelly Kapowski wig and give you the shakes, hon!
Can’t see a single goddamn comment, fuck you change!
Still, I’m full of beef and beer and the kids are in the other room watching Peppa Pig. FOOTBAWWWWWWWWWW–
Aww shit who’s crying?
FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!
BEER! PIZZA! CHIPS! BEER! FOOTBALL! YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
“You get hit early on… and your brain slows down.”
Collinsworth making some sense there.
We’re serious about concussions so what we did was penalize the team if they kick the ball too hard on kick off.
“WHAT COLOR IS TRAUMA LADY’S HAT?”
“Uh… blue?”
“YOU PASS CONCUSS TEST. GOOD JOB.”
You all just went away there for a few minutes.
Comments section wouldn’t load for me.
“Oh no that was other personality, Brandon X. Brandon Marshall only cares about winning the AFC East on Sundays.”
“Are we sure he wasn’t concussed before they played the anthem durr hur hur?”
Fozzy Whitacre starring in “The Last Running Back of Scotland” here
Apparently this is “No Flags On The Donks” night at the Temple Of BLEERGH
They have offended Him and shall not receive His blessing.
Whooo boy, my father is none too pleased about this “kneeling cowards bullshit”. Guess I’ll mark that topic down as a lost cause to discuss with him.
Ironically, the Lost Cause might be open for discussion.
I was waiting for this
This is Us. This is Shit.
“SEE I TOLD YOU THAT NEGRO ON THE JETS HATED AMERICA!”
“That boy is seeing Stars and Stripes now”
Did anyone else think that the start of the shitty “This is Us” show was a dramatized Mike & Molly?
http://38.media.tumblr.com/e1e23898b79a9131e8e093a0567ea358/tumblr_naa869mspk1rdfgw4o1_500.gif
That looks like Death.
It’s the 2nd quarter and the starters are still playing.
I don’t think the Broncos got the memo. Looks like they’re playing their backup.
Chevy sucks. Don’t finance a car for 72 gotdam months.
DIE IN A FIRE YOU SELLOUT
Sill, Canadian commercials are just as bad. I am in midseason form swearing at how bad marketing people are.
Jesus fuck Peyton, go away already.
Pey-ton did-dles lit-tle boys
Fuck Pey-pey with a chainsaw
Poor Eli
EXACTLY
GODDAMN IT WE’RE GOING TO SEE TEN MILLION COMMERCIALS WITH FETUS FACE AREN’T WE?
Ten million? I’ll take the over.
“MARSHALL TAKES A KNEE DURING THE ANTHEM AND NOW HE TAKES A KNEE DURING THE GAME! KARMIC JUSTICE!!”
–Your racist aunt on facebook
The anthem-sitter is injured…GENTLEMEN, MAN YOUR TAKE-PROOF SUITS
Fozzy Whitaker – only taken in DFO drafts.
Who chose Sex On Fire for the ACL infographic?!
Jeffrey Dahmer’s estate.