Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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JustStopDude

Good to see the Ryan brothers have nipped the penalties and lack of discipline on the Bills…

blaxabbath

Fairly close all along. But GB is pulling away on the JAX D.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Weirdly close.

IronAvenger6491

Just noticed that the Panthers (NHL) new logo looks just like the Jags shield logo.

Brocky

Holy shit what a recovery by cutler

John Difool
Redshirt

I’m sorry Jets fans.

King Hippo

missed extra point, FG after 2nd and goal inside the 1. Yup, it’s the Jets

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bears derping

King Hippo

Jets inside the 5. SO. FUCKING. PREDICTABLE.

blaxabbath

AARP commercials?

Am I watching college football or something?!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I need a better stream of the Bears game. It keeps lagging every 5 seconds during any real action, but then will have no problems any time there are commercials just to piss me off.

blaxabbath

So it’s the Bear’s d line?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Jets announcer: “He’s short!”

Danny Woodhead relives childhood taunts.

theeWeeBabySeamus

heheheheheh…you ass.
I’m trying to be angry and shit over here!!!!!!!!

entropy

Jets are knocking on the door..

//wrong door

theeWeeBabySeamus

Back door?

IronAvenger6491

I wish i could get Sunday ticket, but it’s not in my area.

When will the NFL just go the route of MLB and NHL and get it’s own streaming service.

ArmedandHammered

When they for certain they can make more money using streaming.

ArmedandHammered

* are certain

Dammit.

ThePirateSloth

I’m pretty sure both CBS and FOX are streaming their game this season, though both require a cable/dish/dtv sub to watch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Semi-black girl on the viagra ad.
Me likey.
/nawt raycess

Bortleback

Rodney Harrison does not approve

litre_cola

Does he even know she is black?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Me? Yes…yes I do.
Tap that….[connection lost]

IronAvenger6491

Nice move by Lacey.

John Difool

He’s got the moves on Jaguar, he’s got the moves on Jaguar, he’s got the moooooooooves….

IronAvenger6491

The company my brother in law works for pays $20,000 to sponsor the Jags….that money would be better spent sponsoring a tire fire if you ask me, but it’s the same thing in the end.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shaun Hill with 200+ throwing yards and no INT. Is he worth 2 first rounders?

King Hippo

assume there are 8 in the box every play, based on AP’s stat line

indieguy

The browns are always gonna be the browns aren’t they?

blaxabbath

Don’t be such a pessimist.

They can always skip town in the middle of the night again.

blaxabbath

Jax should cover receivers even though they are short of the marker on first down.

8 yard passes are not good to give up consistently.

John Difool

Greg Gumble catches decent sized yellow fin tuna, celebrates with loaded double bacon-cheeseburger from 5 Guys.

Doktor Zymm

Boarding, time to go dark again. Farewell sweet football, until tonight, au reviour

entropy

Fly safe, Dok.

blaxabbath

It seems counterintuitive but today is actually the SAFEST day to try to hijack an airliner.

JustStopDude

Not benching Manziel on my fantasy team was a bit of a mistake…

blaxabbath

Vikings up 12-10 on the bad Titans?

I think losing Teddy is proving to be bad.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jerry Hughes with the sack on Flacco. Anybody ever hear of Jerry Hughes?
NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T…BUT IN BALTIMORE HE’S FUCKING FLACCO’S SHIT UP.

“sometimes, death is better”
-Stephen King, Pet Sematary

packman_jon

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GODS

blaxabbath

Love offsetting flags!

IronAvenger6491

*Hello darkness my old friend begins to play as another season of Football starts*

How we doing?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Working up a buzz, pork taco remnants stuck in my teeth, Bears losing. This will repeat.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If my family actually knew me they would just go to the store and buy me a pack of cigs so I can spend my birthday watching the opening week of football alone like I wanted to.

ThePirateSloth

Anyone else watching Sunday Ticket on their comp/tablet? For some reason, the OAK/NO game is really choppy whilst the other games are streaming smoothly. That happening for anyone else?

Gratliff

So is next week the week I’m suckered into starting Wentz only to watch him die against real teams?

entropy

I have week three as the week when both Philly and Denver realize they have terrible, untested shit shows a quarterback.

entropy

Nice tackling, assholes

King Hippo

score, Chefs. I need King Laserface to keep floating

herodotus450

It says Tyreke is a WR but that can’t be right, can it?

Brocky

Man with the late afternoon games, I feel like the NFL to tell me its okay to go and mow the lawn later

I’m not going to because I’m a lazy piece of shit, but just saying, I appreciate the sentiment

Shogun Marcus

The nfl: We both know you could, but your family doesn’t need to know.

Gratliff

Fletcher Cox gonna break somebody shortly

blaxabbath

Think the Marriota Pick-6 will make the gif tagline post this week.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OMG, these fuckerz are gonna dig Jon Benet Ramsey up one more time, huh?
Fuck I hate the media.

blaxabbath

I watched that Dateline on Friday!

I think true crime is going to be rehashed every generation, a la every single film.

entropy

I’d like to watch ONE Jets game where they are comfortably ahead, winning by a large margin, and just handling shit proper.

But noooooo I get this bullshit every goddam week….

Doktor Zymm

And NE fans wonder why people want to punch them when they’re nervous with ‘only’ a two score lead…

entropy

I have a Pats fan friend…. he gets nervous when we watch games together.

ThePirateSloth

THIS GUY BRANDON COOKS, I CALL HIM CHEF PAUL PRUDHOMME BECAUSE HE’S SERVING UP SPEEDY CAJUN TOUCHDOWNS

makeitsnowondem

Brock Osweiler was a basketball player, drink.

entropy

WOOOOOOOOOO SOCIAL!!!

Moonbatting Average

Buy he’s not a tight end. It makes zero sense

Duchess

Imagine the 3on3 games he, Jimmy Graham and Antonio Gates could play

Shogun Marcus

They’d kill it at Gus Macker tournaments.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Horrible, horrible, horrible spot.
Fuck you officials of any sport ever. Open your eyes, get a clue.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Holee shit…Flacco actually appeared to have brain there for a sec.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Whose brain was it?

entropy

Trenton Green’s.

Hey, he’s not using it….

indieguy

would Flacco be an ELITE zombie?

ThePirateSloth

Quick! Someone photoshop a Flacco jersey on the Scarecrow!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee, you guys is some funny fuckerz.
Where’d “I will dye blonde” go? I needz moar vodka!!!!!!!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

She’ll be back in a few. Getting all our morning stuff done so we can watch Seahawks uninterrupted later.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t you even tell me she’s getting vodka for YOU. My head might go all ‘splodey. You lazy fuck.
😉

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Too early for me! We just edged past noon, cuz WEST COAST RULZ.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It does…it really does.
I can’t enter California legally anymore unfortunately.

entropy

First time I see “Same Old Jets,” I’m cutting someone

Spanky Datass

Greg Gumble just called Joe Hayden …”one of the good ones.” smdh

theeWeeBabySeamus

And now I must murder the whole of CBSSports.
*sigh*
technical difficulties? You had one job!!!!!!

entropy

Who the fuck was your intended target there, Fitzmagic, you fuck?!

litre_cola

HEY DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD MAKE $200 000 DOLLARS A YEAR FROM HOME? MY AUNT’S SISTER’s COUSIN’S DOGWALKER DID!

Sorry, it is week 1 and I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

Doktor Zymm

Winston is doing well and not getting horribly injured, disproving the idea of karma once and for all

Shogun Marcus

Just letting the false sense of hope and security build.

Duchess

How to put the Insanity league in perspective?

Andy Dalton 200+ yrds 1 TD = 12.2 Points
RGIII: 176yrds 1 int. 26yrs rushing = 26.93 points

herodotus450

To be fair souls count for 14 points in the League of Insanitary Gentlemen

theeWeeBabySeamus

Delayed handoff for loss of 3.
Baltimore offense right on track.

blaxabbath

So they kept the calls for Trent Richardson in the playbook even after letting him go?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Two words…
Justin. Forsett.

Horatio Cornblower

3rd and 19, Dalton finds the RB wide open in the flat for 4 yards.

Bengals football! Catch the apathy!

blaxabbath

Surely they were in FG range and didn’t want to lose the points….