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Your Late Afternoon Trifecta Of NFL Games

scotchnaut

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Mia/Sea-Arian Foster has looked fantastic in pre-season for the Dolphs but the Seahawks will be interlocking their arms for peace? justice? hope? I don’t think it’s been thought through-how the hell can anyone catch a fish that’s thrown their way as happens on a regular basis in that city? Prediction? Miami and new coach Adam Gase get throttled and leave the environs with their fins between their legs. There’s an enormous talent gap between these teams.

Det/Indy-Detroit’s inevitable 5-win season begins with a road loss to the Colts. Guys like Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick and Eric Ebron don’t inspire much confidence. Wr Tate should take some time adjusting to being doubled so I’m thinking that wr Jones on the other side is a good bet to put up solid numbers all year long. As per usual Chunky von Butterscotch will be heaving the ball for the Lions. Hmmm…after doing a bit of homework I’ve discovered that Indy’s lousy D will be missing up to 4 starters. They’ll also be starting rooks at lb and safety and cb Cromartie has been with the team all of 3 weeks. Last one with the ball wins.

Giants/’Boys– Today a nation (or two) learns the phrase Dak! Slurping. Yeah, the youngster out of Mississippi State got the bandwagon Cowboys fans hearts a-fluttering with his “can-do attitude” and his “stats” and his “enthusiasm” and such. Makes me sick how far the guy is going to fall when Dallas backers figure out he’s not white. In “Holy Hell” news, the Giants don’t have a single player of note on the injury list! And they only had to spend 200 million in free agency to make it happen! Wait, I don’t think those two things are connected…

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herodotus450

This Seattle running game I call it The New Adventures of Old Christine because it just gets better with age and I’m uncomfortably attracted to it and it’s more than a little the product of nepotism

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ThePirateSloth

I… I have no words

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Wut…MacGuyver

…wut?

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Old School Zero

That and the Lethal Weapon show both look awful.

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Horatio Cornblower

That Lethal Weapon thing is going to be a crime against humanity roughly equivalent to the Holocaust that Mel Gibson denies ever happened.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

We live in dark times, my friend.

/turns on Netflix
//is happy again

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Old School Zero

Pretty sure we live in The Upside Down.

comment image

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ThePirateSloth

He ain’t even close to retirement!

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Sill Bimmons

This C–HEAUX/Fins game…

http://orig08.deviantart.net/47c1/f/2012/267/9/a/batman___dafuq__by_foooxft-d5fqu0q.jpg

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wonder how well Dallas fans are going to handle having a nagger like Dak Prescott playing quarterback. I mean, have you seen the way he harangues his offensive linemen when they screw up their assignments?

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Sill Bimmons

When I first saw that episode I thought the answer was going to be “NOGGERS” and was going to about annoying wives/girlfriends who count your drinks, particularly around the holidays at office parties.

As we all know, it wasn’t that.

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Bloody Lethal

Bring back Romo!

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Bortleback

Russel Wilson showing some Peyton Manning levels of mobility out there. Good thing the Seahawks have a stout, immovable line, and he doesn’t spend the majority of plays scrambling for his life waiting for one of his off-brand receivers to get open…….

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Horatio Cornblower

How long until we get the first “Ezekiel Elliott is better than Emmitt Smith” articles? I’ll put the over/under on Week 4.

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Old School Zero

Depends. How many have there been already?

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Trevor Semen

At least 3, and one was probably on fox sports

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Senor Weaselo

Just to piss off Aikman?

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Trevor Semen

http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/emmitt-smith-says-ezekiel-elliott-is-better-than-emmitt-smith/
This excalibur elephant will end up jumping for Oprah two thirds

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Horatio Cornblower

Good lord, it’s worse than I thought.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, they’re both black, so it should be at least 10 weeks for the Dallas media.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I don’t recall hearing Elliot talk, but I’m sure his word choice is much better than Smiff’s.

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Bortleback

He’s only starting his NFL career, give the CTE a chance to take hold

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Eli is not enjoying his time out.

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Senor Weaselo

I see the Giants forgot the tackling portion of training camp again?

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John Difool

You might be a little intimidated of someone with permanent 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink hand…. especially if you don’t have vagina.

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John Difool

Fuck, wrong reply

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scotchnaut

“Alex Smith” threw for 363 yards?

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Old School Zero

Your 2016 San Diego Chargers defense, everyone!

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Dick E. Phuck

It was against the Chargers, so that number should have an asterisk next to it.

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Horatio Cornblower

How the fuck can you not block Pierre-Paul? It’s basically hand-to-hand combat and I think we all know about JPP’s problems with that.

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scotchnaut

I hate Dank Prescott.

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Horatio Cornblower

How do you feel about Dak Prescott?

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scotchnaut

Who?

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Horatio Cornblower

Cole Beasley must read DFO and can’t have been too thrilled with that whole “Cole Beasley is overrated” thing from the ‘Boys season preview.

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Clipboard Jesus

Time for some miracle bubble water for the Charmslinger.

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Sill Bimmons

Once I sell my company I’m going to buy my way into meeting Erin Andrews.

That’s when I “turn on the charm.”

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naUpLQID42Q/Vbhz0U1hdgI/AAAAAAAAJLY/JXEWEQEjGms/s1600/il_fullxfull.318174803.jpg

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the Alpha and the Amoeba

Our lab has some vintage chloroform you could use. I believe it’s from 1997, a very good year for chloroform.

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John Difool

Welp, there goes any chance of Eli getting Titan Fall 2.

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Dick E. Phuck

Who are we kidding? He’s still gonna get it. Archie and Olivia just can’t say no to that face.

http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/article/media_slots/photos/001/692/376/9087b1153350e5beefd9a6738fae2826_original.jpg?1409169528

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Senor Weaselo

Eliception, it begins.

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scotchnaut

Little Known Fact: If the Giants don’t run up the middle on first down, the Earth will spin off its axis.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Norv’s coaching the Giants now?

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Shogun Marcus

Why is Fox in Houston? They move studios or something? Weird place for a football broadcast.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I think the Astros are playing.

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

The past few seasons they’ve broadcast from the Super Bowl site opening weekend.

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Shogun Marcus

Ok, but then why is the Super Bowl in Houston? Total neutral site?

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Bortleback

Maybe they took over from NASA? They do insist on calling it a command center…..

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh. I am drunk cause I made various deals with the Raiders regarding them scoring and me drinking. So I’m a happy drunk.

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blackroseMD1

So not only did the Chargers go full choke today, but in one of my leagues, I was playing a guy who went full on homer during the draft and selected nothing but Chiefs players.

Because of the Chargers swiss cheese defense in the second half, I went from projected to win by 90 to projected to lose by 30. Fucking hell.

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Old School Zero

fuuuuuck

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Sill Bimmons

I went full Steelertard in one of the insanity leagues.

We’ll see how tomorrow evening turns out.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Projections don’t mean shit, BUT that is rather extreme.

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blackroseMD1

Yeah, it has not been a good football day for me, real or fantasy.

On the other hand, beer.

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Old School Zero

What’s the difference between Trump and the Dolphins’ running back?

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John Difool

The Aristocrats ?

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Clipboard Jesus

One is an Aryan Fosterer and the other is a RB.

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Old School Zero

Winner!

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Sill Bimmons

The version I heard was “One fosters Aryans, the other is Arian Foster.”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That is very, very good.

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Sill Bimmons

The Dolphins’ running back actually had heel spurs?

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Moonbatting Average

One is merely named Arian

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Foster didn’t steal his hands from a toddler?

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I Will Dye Blonde

Didn’t CBS get the memo? You are supposed to have women repoting on the sideline.

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Old School Zero

He’s a damn fine otter, that one.

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Sill Bimmons

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4892556/water-drop-o.gif

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Sill Bimmons

NOAP

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King Hippo

holy shit, what a catch by TY Hilton. Unless it wasn’t. I mean, who knows amirite??

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The last thing I caught at the Hilton was chlamydia.

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Sill Bimmons

My niece recently discovered “Ehrmagerd Girl” and now talks in nothing but Ehrmagerd.

It is taking every bit of my self-control not to add “er’s” to everything.

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/19/1954081c6e7a6f9fd1eb85eee89d02e4e55d8d520226b29de306cf00a7d043a2.jpg

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ThePirateSloth

My roomie just finally saw the Rodgers throws a golf club commercial, asks me “ooooooh who is that cute guy?”. I tell her Rodgers, she’s all “daaaaaammn he really IS cute.”

I’m gonna drown myself in beer now.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It really bugs me that they use the formulation “not here, not ever” when it should be “not now, not ever”.

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Old School Zero

Did you break it to her that he’s not… you know… into women?

I mean, the guy’s in the same room as Clay Matthews and his golf club goes flying off? DOESN’T SHE GET THE METAPHOR?!

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ThePirateSloth

She’d be down with that sammich, she enthusiastically says.

God dammit.

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Dick E. Phuck

More like Andrew Un-Luck. Amirite?

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Sill Bimmons

BAD CLOTS NO GRAVY

http://images.wisegeek.com/mashed-potatoes.jpg

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

I just got out of the shower and I don’t understand the Lions/Colts game.

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scotchnaut

It’s the half. Time to make the rice.

/context-less achievement unlocked

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am gonna watch the second half from my bed or the ground. Both seem like good choices. I have an hour before I have to fake sobriety.

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Moonbatting Average

Zeke Elliott averaging 2 yards per carry. Delightful.

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John Difool

But, but… he looked so good in pre-season…

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Senor Weaselo

Fat Randy shank!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You can have Conor Barth back, but it’ll cost you…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a23iaoQXuE

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Old School Zero

May Eli get three rings.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Fucking Chargers…

comment image

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Old School Zero

Yeah. Just soooo fucking Chargers today.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I also drafted Allen in the 3rd, as my only Charger fantasy player.

comment image

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Old School Zero

Fuck.

/pours one out

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blackroseMD1

Yeah…I’m gonna need a lot more booze to forget that Jekyll and Hyde bullshit.

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Old School Zero

I would say it deserves a post where McCoy gives a halftime speech which foreshadows the loss, but I’m afraid I’d just make it way too bitter and dark.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

McCoy Bot needs a firmware update in order to make halftime adjustments, and Spanos won’t pay for it.

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Dick E. Phuck

TOUCHDOWN OMAHA!!!!

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King Hippo

Typical Coughlin clock management. If they get a first down, will have ONE shot at the end zone, not three.

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fleshwound_NPG

Giants have had the ball only 5-ish minutes in the first half and are about to go into halftime leading.

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Spur

Cowboys are moving the ball but can’t finish

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scotchnaut

CRUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

/kinda missed you

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is there any show worth watching on CBS? The keep advertising them all game and they are all terrible.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Colbert and 60 Minutes. That is all.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Football is on CBS, that’s okay.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do you think when Vereen breaks off a long run the defense starts shouting “SHANE, COME BACK!”?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have been drinking, and am now drink. I mean drun.

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Old School Zero

rikki dunk?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Have you ever played that basketball game Knockout, where you take a free throw and if you miss you have to put in a layup before the next guy hits his shot? One time we lowered the rim and I saved my life by dunking over someone who was trying to lay it up. That was second only to nailing the drink cart girl from the golf course in “greatest moments of Rikki’s life”.

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Sill Bimmons

hey guys

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Shogun Marcus

Yo.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ben McAdoo looks like an 80s child molester awareness flyer

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dicey to make “flyer” jokes on 9/11, but this one passes inspection.

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scotchnaut

But in a good way, right?

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Sill Bimmons

comment image

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fleshwound_NPG

Always respect commentators that call a fine reception a “good snatch”.

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Dick E. Phuck

With that flipper of his, all JPP needs to do is gain some weight and put on a top hat, and he could play the Penguin.

http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/batman/images/d/dc/Batman-returns_-the-penguin-wallpapers_25785_1024x768.png/revision/latest?cb=20111105020831

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Why are there like 90 Jonbenet specials on recently? My dad watches all of them. Was there a new lead? Did they actually solve it?

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Old School Zero

Yeah. I think they found a whole new group of suspects when they read the comments on our site.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They’d like to ask you about Marc Trestman.

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Senor Weaselo

I was going to say “Who’s the youngest here? They did it!” knowing that person’s younger than the case.

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makeitsnowondem

Pierre-Paul’s a good teammate. Never points fingers at others.

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John Difool

And if you have some hamburger to make, I hear he’ll always help you with it….

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Senor Weaselo

He always wants to get a hold on a situation before it blows up.

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Sill Bimmons

The ladies love him for the PermaShocker:

http://sports.cbsimg.net/u/photos/football/nfl/img25420721.jpg

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