Yes, football is back and our lives, shitty as they may be, finally feel complete again. Huzzah!

Speaking of life, one wonders why philosophers, authors, and poets devote so much time, effort, and ink to describe the futility and meaningless of life when they could just be all like “Look at the fucking New York Jets, man.” Week 1, and we are already at Peak Jets, with the kicking game the primary culprit. Bungles self-awareness will have to blossom fully some other time.

That said, you will get not one bit of sympathy from a Chargers fan. I mean, shit – the team was already semi-nomadic entering 2016. Against all odds, they go into a divisional rival’s stadium and proceed to whip some ass. Then…their one true offensive superstar blows his knee out on a minimal-contact play, with his team up three scores. I’m thinking “wow, what a pyrrhic victory, if ever there was one, their season is surely over before it has started.” But then it gets worse, they blow a 21-point 2nd half lead (which was 17 points in the 4th quarter) and lose in OT, never getting the ball. The Philip Rivers rampage watch is officially on.

Our early window was perfectly suited for RedZone Channel viewing, especially to the extent it kept us up to date on Raiders/Saints and Packers/Jags. Very good, entertaining games, with different endings for the “chasing” teams. Oakland chased all day, got a 4th down penalty assist, and drew within a point at 47 seconds remaining. But Derek Carr signalled for 2 points, and his coach went with it. Please don’t criticize me for being a results-based commentator – I praised this is real time as the right call. They were on the road and chasing the whole way. Going conservative and accepting a tie score would make no sense, other than to insulate from criticism for deviating from “the book.” Oakland made it, then held on as the Saints narrowly missed on a 61-yard FG.

Jacksonville, on the other hand, faced 4th and 1 on the GB 14, 23 seconds left and no timeouts. Green Bay called time out to set their defense. As I said in real time, the Jaguras needed to go for the kill shot while the Packers didn’t expect it. Meanwhile, the book says, “just get the first down so you stay alive.” And what exactly does that get you? A “clock kill” play takes about 12 seconds. So, assuming you get the first down (which you may not), that play likely takes 5 or 6 seconds, meaning you will have…5 or 6 seconds left to run…one play to the end zone. But while the defense is looking for it, exclusively. Your odds are much, much lower. But Bortles tosses the WR screen, GB is all over it, and the play has no chance in hell to so much as get back to the line of scrimmage.

It’s comforting that, despite the passage of time and massive changes in personnel, some things never change. Ravens/Bills was an absolute abortion.

Tampa Bay has been a trendy pick to snag one of the wild card slots this season, and a divisional road win will do nothing to slow that talk. It was only the fucking Falcons, though. Charles Sims’ TD was damned impressive.

Can the Vikings win without a QB? They can in Nashville. Without the benefit of garbage time, their defense would have outscored the hapless Titans. And that was without any positive contribution by Purple Jeebus, either (yes, my fantasy team fucking noticed).

God help all of you poor fuckers who had to watch (by blackout or longstanding allegiance) Texans/Bears. Expecting nothing out of both of these franchises going forward might be a bridge too far. But the imaginary team does start 1-0.

I wonder if somebody, somewhere made a prop bet that Carson Wentz would score the first TD of the day? Philly also scored a safety off of some glorious Factory work, and the remaining march over the cliff was just classic Cleveland shitshow. Oh, and RG-gluefactory is hurt already. Nobody started Nelson Agholor, and he put up a purty statline that will haunt and tease you the rest of the season.

See this Week One? This is Russell Wilson almost fucking up your Survivor pool! Maybe more game prep, less pre-game choreography next go-round, eh? But ankle boo-boo RW stepped up when he had to on the last drive.

Good Lord, the Humps managed to somehow get worse on defense and the OL. Both units now seem to be completely made of paper mache. You lose your home opener to the Megatron-less Lions, you’re gonna have a bad time. And good on Detroit for showing up and being like “fuck all you assholes, we’re still professional footballers whether the butt of all your jokes or not.”

What would a Giants opener be without a 4th and short/clock management with a lead controversy? But this one was a genuine head scratcher. 1 point lead, 1:12 left, ball on DAL 38. No timeouts. I probably punt too. Bad snap makes him rush the kick, leads to an easy touchback, giving Dak a window of opportunity. On what would end up as the last play of the game, Terrance Williams cuts upfield rather than go out of bounds (clock at :12 when ball snapped, so this was pure idiocy) at the NYG 43. So, instead of a Dan Bailey 61-yard winner, creepy ass McAdoo walks away 1-0 as an NFL head coach.

I must admit that I didn’t pay great attention to the SNF finale. I was mentally drained (in a good, happy way) from the first 6.8 hours, and I just hate New England, in Tawwwwmy Brady or Janine Garaffalo varietal. So I went double oxy and gave little-to-medium fucks, especially once I realized David Johnson was not gonna save Kill V. Maim in Week One. I will try to get more all hype for the MNF double header. After all, we could see a naked and angry Jim Tomsula streak across the field in the late action! At least, that’s how it plays out in my pill-addled head.