Your Monday Night Football Double-Header Open Thread

[feels a bit icky making a baseball-related reference]

Damn, I like this 7:10 (eastern) starting time. Sometimes my extraordinarily strict post-work beer, scotch, cider, wine and martini regimen catches up to me and the world starts spinning and the games (yes, the games) lose their focus and I have to find out the score the following morning. This way I’m guaranteed to be coherent all the way into the third quarter of the first tilt. Enough about me-TO THE GAMES!

Steelers/Redacted’s-I feel as though Pittsburgh without the services of rb Bell and wr’s Bryant and Wheaton is a team playing with one arm tied behind their back but it won’t make much difference in the end. I think it has a lot to do with not being able to judge the prospects of Washington objectively because Dan Snyder has come to be the embodiment of a number of shitbags I deal with in my work setting. [takes a deep breath] Everyone is yakking about the Norman/Brown showdown but doesn’t the former play just one half of the field? I’m sure Brown will get moved around a bit and they will cross paths but I think it’s cb Breeland (with help from Hall?) that does the heavy lifting. It’ll be a tiny bit interesting to see who among Coates, Heyward-Bey and Rogers gets the majority of catches. Cousins’ pursuit of a long-term deal would benefit from a home win here.

Rams/Niners-As hc Kelly prepares for the game Jim Tomsula (“we hardly knew ya”) prepares for the coming hobopocalypse. A wasteland of discarded bindles and can-openers awaits mankind-he’ll be the first to tell you! STAY AWAY FROM THE SWITCHYARDS, PEOPLE! The game? Gurley runs roughshod on the Niners and qb’s Keenum(what?) and Gabbert(who?) try their damnedest to keep their combined giveaways below 7. Fantasy-wise, if Hyde goes for 35+ I may just squeak out a not-earned victory.

There she be. Now…LET’S WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS!

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Kungjitsu

He’s not a great athlete. You don’t think that, Steve.

Spur

This is a hell of a QB battle.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They spent their whole budget making it look like Ben Affleck could count.

Horatio Cornblower

Is he playing an autistic guy with a talent for killing, an autistic guy with a talent for numbers, or just Ben Affleck?

Watching the trailer I have no idea.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They’re pulling a Blair Witch, it’s a secret sequel to Gigli.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This new CPA Batman movie looks fucking terrible.

Doktor Zymm

If I wasn’t so lazy I would write a version of Battle Royale featuring all our ‘favorite’ NFL personalities.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Don’t give me ideas. It’s tough enough to get HRTN out some weeks.

...

Can I motivate you with Pimms?

Doktor Zymm

You can motivate me to drink more Pimms with Pimms. I’m super busy for the rest of the year, and what free time I do have will all go to Civ 6 after it comes out in late October

LemonJello

I, too, welcome our new Civ 6 overlords.

Doktor Zymm

I’m afraid to look at the Steam stat telling me how many hours I’ve played 5

Horatio Cornblower

That movie was such a rip-off of The Hunger Games.

What?

LemonJello

Vic Romano still getting work after MXC?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

PUNTKAKKE

Spur

So…….Chip Kelly to USC next year, yes?

Sharkbait

Safety for the safety gods?

LemonJello

Keenum, he ded.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Text I just sent to a buddy in SF: “You watching this Gabbortion?”

Horatio Cornblower

“ooh, that’s a good one”
-NFL Memes

This broadcast needs more deranged Trent Dilfer.

Kungjitsu

Whatever happened to Minka Kelly

Spur

Jeter stank.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She wasn’t a great actress?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I took her off my list when she said she didn’t want to do butt stuff.

theeWeeBabySeamus

But, but, but….no angry pegging? She looks like an angry pegger.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You gotta take the good with the bad.

“I’ve never seen that much blood before.”

LemonJello

You keep your damned basedball references the fuck out of my football broadcast, Berman, you cockwallet!

makeitsnowondem

I’m not a big fan of drone strikes in general but I’ll vote for the first candidate who promises to put Chris Berman at the top of the extrajudicial killings list.

Sill Bimmons

NCGOP on NCAA North Carolina event ban:

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ArmedandHammered

Might as well double down on the derp. I hate what these asshats have done to my state. I used to be proud to be from here.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

PLEASE tell me this is an Onion post.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Sweet sassy molassey.

Sep

*whistle* that is some quality hate right there.

Also, which bathroom do the peacocks use?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t get me started.
/so wishes family didn’t hail from this backward ass state

herodotus450

Sometimes I think North Carolina is just trying to makeup for losing to South Carolina in the race to be the first to secede.

...

I have even money, based on this tweet, that she was buzzed writing that:

https://twitter.com/kamimueller/status/775465830662496258

Spur

Gabbert sounds like a part of the turkey you don’t eat.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Love it when they fake out the cameraman because it’s a reminder the broadcasters, commissioner, owners, and GMs aren’t the only incompetent ones associated with the NFL.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How dare you leave out the terrible writers that get paid way too much to get everything wrong

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[makes one mistake during a fake that is SUPPOSED to fake people out]

“INCOMPETENT BASTARD! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE HIM!!”

JustStopDude

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Spur

Why the socks?

Doktor Zymm

For sliding around on the wood floor I assume

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice socks…which rhymes with….clocks.

Deux Deux Deux.

Horatio Cornblower

“Oh I Read This? The Story Of Chris Berman And How One Man Was In The Right Place At The Right Time To Fail Up And Out Of The Stratosphere”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s nothing personal, but it would be funny if Case Keenum got hurt so we could see how hilariously unprepared Jared Goff is to play in the NFL.

Sharkbait

I dont think he’s dressed.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

He’d have to do it in streetclothes tonight.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Next week, buddy.

ArmedandHammered

Actually I think he is 4th on the depth chart from what I read. I think Mannion (sp?) is 2nd string and the kicker is going to be in the 3rd spot. Not sure where I read that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Internet, so it HAS to be true

ArmedandHammered

Well, it seemed more plausible than him actually starting.

Sep

BRING BACK NBA STREET

montythisseemsstrangetome

BRING BACK HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET

montythisseemsstrangetome

That was a “long short punt”, Berman?

Spur

I’m going to need you to speak up, Steve.

I Will Dye Blonde

Come on! How hard is it to throw to 11? I only need one more point….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You forgot to RIP OFF THE KNOB!!!!
Ouch, plz don’t rip off the knob.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THESE RAMS I CALL THE CATHOLIC CHURCH BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS SAY IF YOU SLACK OFF FOR GOFF FOR NOTHING THEN YOU’RE GOING TO HELL

Beerguyrob

FUCKING PIZZA HUT! Site crashed and lost the order.

Had to resort to Domino’s.

Urge to kill…rising.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Peyton Manning is now sad.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Holy shit, am I running Pizza Hut’s site too?

Beerguyrob

Nope, because here’s how I picture their call centre

http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw6wx5NjLJ1qcgbi2o1_500.gif

...

Well sadly the Cubs won’t no hit the Cardinals tonight.

Redshirt

Everyone’s reaction to Berman commentating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBWI0qQWZyo

Horatio Cornblower

Case Keenum is an “athletic” guy Steve? Are you sure you don’t mean ‘gritty’?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One bright spot to this garbage matchup here: when my wife gets home and asks to change the channel, I can pretend to agree reluctantly so she thinks I’m making a sacrifice.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Opposite situation. I left to go to the bar because I couldn’t justify keeping the lady from her preferred television programming.

King Hippo

THIS GUY knows his marriage tips

JustStopDude

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montythisseemsstrangetome

I can’t ever remember a game where I rooted for the 49ers. So here we are.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So this game is pretty much going to decide which of these teams reaches 6-10, and which is only 5-11…right?

montythisseemsstrangetome

4-11-1

Spur

I can’t hear Steve. Did Berman turn off his mic?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I like that the Rams’ offense is described as horizontal. I think that’s generous.

herodotus450

Oh, Steve’s mic is muted but Berman’s works fine? What a cruel twist of fate.

Kungjitsu

I miss the Greatest Show on Turf with Warner throwing 25 yard in routes to Isaac Bruce

Spur

The battle of Case Keenum and Blaine Gabbert. This is real folks.

King Hippo

and it’s SPECTACULAR

/my week 1 auction team needs to hold RAM IT! D/ST to 22 pts or less to hang onto narrow, undeserved DeAngelo-driven victory

...

Goddamn it.

ArmedandHammered

Don’t hit 30! Don’t hit 30!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not really paying great attention, but it seems like ESPN talked a whole lot about Kaepernick’s actions without bothering to discuss WHY he was doing it in the first place.

King Hippo

hey, they did teh OJ 30 FOAR 30, that’s enough uncomfortable white ppl thought for 2016 thx bai

Kungjitsu

Chris Berman and Steve Young talking about race and police brutality would be the most awkward convo EVAR.

Berman: [says nothing]

Young: I’m really uncomfortable.

JustStopDude

Case Keenum graphic looks like he is trying to fake being sober during a sobriety checkpoint stop.

Horatio Cornblower

Anyone else getting “duplicate comment detected” messages?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anyone else getting “duplicate comment detected” messages?

Horatio Cornblower

Asshole

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I haven’t – try refreshing the page.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Yeah, NFL Memes is.

Spur

Screaming during the anthem is less respectful than kneeling you dumb ass fans

Sep

people who scream/don’t take off their hats… the absolute worst.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

You guys: A team starting Case Keenum is favored on the road.

Spur

Colin Kaep looks like Rafi from the League.

King Hippo

if Rafi fucked Squidward and they had a baby.

ooooh, I smell SPINOFF!!!!!

Sep

El Cunado

Kungjitsu

Lindsay Czarniak is my jam.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh….Allie LaForce Light. And not as smart.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I don’t care what Berman and Steve Young think about the flag and anthem. Lindsay Czarniak on the other hand can explain ANYTHING SHE WANTS to me.

JustStopDude

Oh my god Berman…you struggle to explain and express simple concepts in the game of football…we don’t need you pontificating about free speech and social issues.