/Inside DFO Headquarters Monday Morning
Me: Guys, I’m at a loss here. The Bears and Eagles played just last night and now they’re playing again tonight! How do I spin this? How comes no one is talking about this?
Hippo: [shakes his goddamn head] What are you talking about?
Me: The game. Tonight. It’s the exact same tilt as last night.
OSZ: You screwed up.
Me:[rolls eyes] Thanks for the input, Oldie-but I’ve been doing this for over a year now. I think I’ve got a handle on it. Seriously, any ideas? The NFL has sunk to a new low.
Horatio: Scotch, the Bears and Eagles didn’t play last night. Are you okay?
Me: What is with you guys? Just check last night’s preview post. It’s right there! They played!
Low Commander: Did you watch the game?
Me: Of course not! I’m wayyyyy too hammered by that time. Just like all you guys. Am I right? [raises hand looking for a high five] Nobody? What is wrong with you guys?
Everybody– YOU FUCKED UP!
Me: Ohhhh, I get it-this is some sort of, “Let’s pick on the Canadian guy” thing. They never give us a break, right Beer Guy?
BeerGuyRob: [looks the other way, whistles]
Me: Fine. Whatever. Not funny, guys. Not. Funny. I bet Magary never had to put up with this sort of lack of respect. I’m out of here. I’ll be back when I’m not taken for granted! [slams door of conference room/broom closet]
DTZM: Guh. Let’s take a vote-everyone that wants Scotchnaut barred, raise your hand.
Dok Zymm: Can I vote with both hands? It’s twice as many as one!
FIN
Enjoy the game [spits on ground] “Friends”.
Wetsylvania – what the nurses call it when Ditka is incontinent.
Say Wentzylvnia one more time, and i’m going to shotgun the face off the first Pennsylvanian I see tonight
Normally I would feel good with 2 guys playing against 1, but in the Insanity league I do not know how to feel.
I am 80 points back. I know exactly how to feel.
I lost by 130 in DFO2.
Ditka looks like he’s ready to leave the studio on Old #7 to go meet Grizzly Adams and Ben.
Ditka looks like my grandfather before he died, only I liked my grandfather.
Ditka looks like he’s doing an impersonation of Tim Allen doing his impersonation of Santa Claus.
Ah, the mountains
http://imgur.com/WOgSTN2
Suzy looking like she is en route to the prom.
Remember when “C’mon Man” was good? Like the first time and then it got old as my balls.
That’s some low hangin’ fruit.
I see what you did there.
And every year, the fruit droops a little lower. SMDH.
Sorta like Budweiser’s ‘wazzup’ campaign.
Okay, Eagles. Don’t make me regret watching you over Gran Metalik’s debut on RAW.
I pretty much jump back and forth and stay for Bayley, Enzo and Cass and Kevin Owens.
Oh hey there Suzy, I liked that casually mussed, “just got fucked”, hairstyle. Mmmm hmmm.
If Wentz throws four INTO and is solely responsible for a loss tonight, do you think any of these dicks will hesitate for one second day before running him over on their way to publish HOT TAEKS about how he’s not ready for the NFL?
Well, my response below was: To set him up for the failure/bust/disappointment narrative that they enjoy so much.
so yeah.
(on Raw)
Mick Foley: “I let the show get away from me. Sorry about that.”
NFL Referees: “That a bad thing?”
But does Ed Hochuli look strong?
Honda or Volkswagen – what’s a better used car?
Honda
Honda. More boring but zero problems.
If it’s still under warranty I’d go with the VW but I’m not impartial on that.
Belichick should just troll the league by bringing in obvious no-go’s for tryouts.
– Doug Flutie Tuesday
– Brett Favre Wednesday
– Tebow Thursday
Oh god, that close up on Perderson is literally everything I think of him as a person.
He looks like he’s wearing a novelty visor with a grey wig sewed in the top.
So the most ruggedly handsome coach in the NFL then?
Apparently at work, people think being promoted means you still do your old job as well as your new job.
I hear you there, plus the jobs of anybody else on your team who has left.
If Gruden and Dilfer called a game together, would the universe implode from the obscene amount of enthusiasm?
Why is Carson Wentz getting the Favre treatment so early in his career?
To set him up for the failure/bust/disappointment narrative that they enjoy so much.
2 Seasons of Adequacy: The Matt Hasselbeck Story
I like this new Eagles quarterback.
http://iv1.lisimg.com/image/8539712/320full-eddie-deezen.jpg
That is hilarious
OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR “WENTZYLVANIA” HORSESHIT, CHUCKIE
Junk talk with Gruden? I do not like where this is headed. So Carson, circumsized?
Can these assholes stop with the “Coach” honorific for life? It’s not a title you earn forever just by piloting a goddam football team.
Even when living in a non-Eastern time zone these games come on too dame late
Damn them dames
All the dames are too damn high(priced)!
You should never wash anything in hot water.
If the water isn’t it’s not boiling it’s not making anything you’re washing cleaner or more sterile. In fact, 100-degree water is more hospitable to microbes than 75-degree water.
Using only cold water to wash is one of the easiest ways we can conserve a shitton of energy and one of the easiest ways you can knock about 10% off your total household energy costs.
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Except hot water melts/loosens up grease and lipids, which means it’s easier to clean greasy dishes and clothes with hot water.
And it requires less hot water to clean such things, and water needs conserving, too.
Those people at the Water Conservation Lobby got to you Sill?!
Ditka looks like they dragged him from behind the 7-11 and won’t give back his night train until after the pre-game show.
Beardy Ditka wants to diddle your kids.
Who the fuck is that non-Gruden humanoid in the booth? I hate him already.
Pats aren’t signing a QB! Edelman’s the backup QB!
So I am watching terrible card tricks being performed on Gruden.
This is into David Lynch territory people…
Fuck me, I can’t figure out what was more insufferable about that Gruene Grinder spot….. that these assholes actually argue over what Gruene has to say, or the constant Nationwide-speak.
http://gruenetexas.com/
http://gruenehall.com/
Fucking phone
I liked the typo.
“God I hate to hear Gruden”
Also: tonight’s over/under on Eagles false start penalties is 9, due to their initiating the silent count with a rookie QB who has never, ever used one before. That should at least be fun.
Is it wrong that I’d rather watch these two blondes fire a shotgun that tonight’s game?
on behalf of Moose…no
/Donks sanctuary
Some of my relatives smoke weed like that too.
The (former) Matron Saint is looking mighty frisky this evening.
It’s almost like getting sexual ly harassed by Namatj was some sort of dip in the fountain of youth.
That or she was bitten by Count Dungee.
I’d like to take a dip in HER fountain.
Yesterday’s game
Pittsburgh 24
Cincinnati 16
W: P. Steelers (2-0)
L: C. Bengals (1-1)
SV: F. Referees (2)
I think the Browns call was worst, though its bullshit that the NFL has these rules and then hang the officials out to dry.
Bengals call proved the Refs are blind. Browns call proved the Refs are full of shit.
I saw about seven plays of the game on RZ so I don’t know if this is an exaggeration, but even my dad said that the refs were terrible and he’s the most biased Stiller fan on earth.
Agreed. I was getting sympathy from Steelers fans at work. When Steelers fans feel sorry for you…
From the Newspaper: “Maybe Tyler Boyd fumbled, and maybe he didn’t. Maybe C.J. Uzomah made that catch in the back of the end zone and maybe, as Andrew Whitworth suggested, the Steelers offensive linemen held every available Bengals body part like drowning men seeking a life raft.”
Doug Pederson supports the protest. This should end with nary a taek.
Have you or someone you love been in contact with the state of Minnesota or the football Vikings? Are you now missing a knee or knees after this interaction? If so call us now, you may be entitled to a large cash* settlement! 1-888-NO-KNEES.
*cash not guaranteed, likely old lutefisk.
My son’s been dicking around during vocabulary shit at school, and his super fun computer time is now being spent looking up definitions for words from The Phantom Tollbooth and rewriting them in a notebook. Judging by the way he views the activity as a novelty, I’m thinking no one makes them do that in school anymore. That shit was like 30% of my time in 4th grade. I don’t think kids get taught what things mean anymore.
“son’s been dicking around during ……at school…”
Oh man, those were fun days.
http://www.nytimes.com/live/new-york-explosion/senator-graham/
Fuck you, Lindsey. He’s an American citizen. The crime was committed on American soil. He is due all the rights afforded to any of us by the Constitution. Fuck you and your party, Mr. “I’m the reasonable moderate of the GOP”. Only fascists declare someone to be an enemy of the state.
My fantasy (the one that doesn’t involve whipped cream and Scarlett Johansson):
Donald Trump: “We’ve won! We’re going to save the country! And there is no one alive that going to stop me!”
(booming voice): “Ronald Wilson Reagan of Earth. Abraham Lincoln of Earth. George Washington of Earth. RISE!”
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/legendsofthemultiuniverse/images/e/e4/BlackLanternsymbolMAR094675-01.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140804013127
Maybe the best “event” series of the last fifteen years. Johns’ GL was goddamn must-read stuff every month!
Check out Superboy-Prime’s Black Lantern special. It actually made him likeable.
Almost made him sympathetic. I’ve got that entire run. I think there was a five year period there where I was pulling every DCU book released ever month.
One of those three doesn’t even belong in the same sentence as the other two.
Hey compared to Trump and Bush 43, Reagan was Willy Wonka!
He is part of the same group of clowns that believe that 1) water boarding is not torture and 2) is an effective means of active intelligence gathering, neither of which is true at all.
Once at work, one of my coworkers tried to make the argument that water boarding was on par with the hazing his fraternity did in college. I offered to show him what I learned in the US military.
I would rather take a tear gas grenade to the chest than get water boarded again.
Mental note to me…never ever drive through Tulsa…and especially never breakdown on the side of the road because the cops will straight up murder your ass for inconveniencing them.
BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING MUST CREDIT SILL BIMMONS
BREAKING FREE KRISPY KREME DONUTS IF YOU TALK LIKE A PIRATE BREAKING
I REPEAT FREE DONUTS IF YOU TALK LIKE A PIRATE THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Aargh, shiver me forecastle, I be seein’ plenty of poontang offa the starboard bow. Aaaargh.
http://www.adrants.com/images/scion_iq_babes_n_donuts.jpg
Those doughnuts would weigh more than those girls if it weren’t for the implants in pinky.
That’s a good eye!
Dressed both my kids up and they each got a dozen donuts, free. My daughter thought I was making up International Talk Like a Pirate Day–because that’s the exact sort of shit I make up.
Now she sounds like a rejected Long John Silver mascot and I can’t get her to stop.
Did a dry run at new job, I think I have found a long term home. Also, all the babes thought I was super hot.
I hope you didn’t tell the principal of the nursery school that,
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
http://img.pandawhale.com/post-58335-good-luck-were-all-counting-on-ClLw.gif
You know, Woody in Toy Story is an officious, stuck up, i-told-you-so, insufferable prick.
Character based on his voice actor
I don’t know if these pants are tight because I washed them in hot water or I’m gaining weight or something else buyback I’m going to be working for the next eight hours in pants that are crushing my nuts like a vice.
In other news, I received my official admission letter to the Oregon bar (and a bill, of course). I’m so happy.
Congrats on the letter, not the pants so much. If you are behind a desk, just take em off, it is football night all in all.
Do you handle criminal cases? Cause I need a good counselor.
http://data.whicdn.com/images/85509206/original.png
Do you have any background in Bird Law? I know a guy who will definitely need a good lawyer in the near future.
http://i0.wp.com/doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Chip-Duck.jpg
Congrats on being admitted to the Oregon bar. I guess you’re pretty hoppy now, eh?
I’m going to Vegas for the weekend of the 30th (have a brief work meeting but it’s mainly a junket) and I’m stoked because the haunted houses are opening that weekend up there and, while I’m sure it’s second to the LA scene with Universal Studios etc, Vegas puts on some enjoyable haunted houses.
Still, nothing is as scary as the Eagles draft futures.
So is DFO Headquarters like one of those cool tech company headquarters where they have couches and table games like ping pong and pool and an all-you-can-eat snack pantry and beers that may or may not be mixed up when the kegs are tapped?
EXACTLY like one of those places (after all the venture capital money has run out).
/rips copper wiring out of the DFO walls
//sees it was all just twine
We get real weird if you don’t want to be here 24/7. I mean, what could the real world have that [DFO] doesn’t offer?
Pants? Sobriety?
But who wants those things?
http://barfblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/kvANE_s-200×150.gif
I thought it was more like a biker clubhouse that puts Roman orgies to shame
Due to the lack of numerous females, are we using the venture capital money for this?
If the Bears win tonight, I want you to fuck up the preview for every one of their games the rest of the season.
I will take it the other way kind sir.
No matter tonight’s result, I’ll probably do it anyway.