Your “Monday, Bloody Monday” [no apologies to U2 whatsoever] NFL Open Thread

Glad to see you made it through the day. It’s always a bit of a relief to get this stupid day into your rear-view mirror, isn’t it? Going over the comments in the open threads yesterday, I must say that the vast majority of you typer-people showed their A-game. Tons of giggles were had by yours truly. [eyes dart back and forth] I’m sure quality work like that can’t be replicated for this tilt. [pregnant pause] TO THE GAME!

NYJ/Ari-For all those that are stashing wr Decker at the bottom of your roster it’s time to let him go-he’s done for the year. Speaking of lost years, the Jets are looking at same if they lose this one on the road. The only thing in their favour right now is that the Cards have lost 2 of 3 at home. Still, qb Fitz McHarvard has been heartily welcomed back to mediocrity by his arm, instincts and understanding of how NFL defenses work. So this seems like qb Carson’s game to win, right? Uh, over the course of the last 8 games he’s thrown 13 intercepts and fumbled 6 (!) times. It’s a bitch being 37 years old in the NFL. Lover of the deep ball and coach of the best (it’s debatable) young rb in the league Arians just can’t figure out what to do. Will he let his fella run wild like he did last week? Or will he continue to give the other Fitz, Brown and Floyd those big strike chances? Let’s find out, shall we?

I’m done-GO GO, GADGET FINGERS!

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blaxabbath

Did ABC just use the video of Fitz smiling while going over how bad his second half stats are?

That’s fucking cold.

makeitsnowondem

Okay, I know it’s Week 6, but: Who the hell is Gruden’s booth partner?

Horatio Cornblower

Sean McDonough. He got his start years ago, (possibly decades), doing Red Sox play-by-play and he was really good at it and very funny.

His personality appears to have been sucked out of him as part of his deal to do MNF, which figures as that’s what the NFL tries to do to everyone.

Horatio Cornblower

THIS GUY SEAN MCDONOUGH I CALL HIM A PENN STATE INVESTIGATOR BECAUSE HE’S ASKING ME WHAT I WAS DOING WITH ALL OF THOSE YOUNG PEOPLE!!!

Sill Bimmons

29 years per age?!

trollsoharduniversity

Boston area Jets fans meetup update:

This bar is quieter than when I jack it in the bathroom so nobody hears me. Only applause happens when the Cards commit a penalty.

Sill Bimmons

Be safe bro.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen a Johnson benefit so much from the sudden appearance of a gigantic hole since November 22, 1963.

/going to hell

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit.

If this isn’t on the banner next week I will vote for Trump just to spite you people.

/Also I live in CT and Hillary’s gonna win by 18 points.

makeitsnowondem

Spiting “you people” is why everyone votes for Trump.

Sill Bimmons

GODDAMN IT

blaxabbath

DFO is a safe space.

Horatio Cornblower

As opposed to the back of a Cadillac in a Dallas parade.

Mr. Ayo

1 out of 2 people agree with this

makeitsnowondem

oh my god this rules

Sill Bimmons

TOO SOON

John Difool

That”s one of the best ever, here and on the other site. One for the ages.

Horatio Cornblower

Agreed. That’s some Otto Man level shit right there.

Senor Weaselo

Holy shit, I go to get food and I come back to this. I wish I could be this demented.

I’m so proud of you guys.

trollsoharduniversity

Boston area Jets fan meetup update:

Got a free Bud Lite from the marketers. Trying to decide who got the better end of that deal.

LemonJello

Not you.

King Hippo

you stayed so long that free piss seemed like better than continued sentience. J-E-T-S!!!!

blaxabbath

Arians is looking at himself in the mirror with two rushing TDs like, “What the hell have I BECOME?!”

King Hippo

a man who has VERY GRUDGINGLY accepted the reality that his best player is a beastly RB, and his QB is a walking cadaver.

Sill Bimmons

johnson brothers powers activate

King Hippo

Remember, it’s NAWT GAY if there’s no eye contact!!

Sill Bimmons

Eyes. Floor.

John Difool

The last time this much yellow was hitting a field in Arizona, John McCain was having a flashback…

King Hippo

you get inside the 5 and trust Carson Fucking Palmer to throw??

blaxabbath

In BA’s defense, that play almost worked for SEA in the Super Bowl.

makeitsnowondem

Congrats to Buster Skrine on his new endorsement deal with Six Flags.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This game truly is a monument to BEERGH.

blaxabbath

I wish I were fast enough to run down NFL wide outs and hang on them. Then I could play DB for the JETS.

Spur

Does the NFL pay the refs a bonus for each flag thrown?

blaxabbath

Tithing.

trollsoharduniversity

Boston area Jets fans meetup update:
By far the most cheering is at Cardinals penalties.

Unsurprised

That’s depressing as fuck

Spur

Not one Spur player in that ESPN NBA promo? Eat shit ESPN, that’s why the NBA on TNT is award wining and you are slipping in ratings.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HEY LOOK EVERYBODY IT’S THE GUY WHO STOPPED TRUMP FROM GOING TO VIETNAM AND WINNING THE WHOLE WAR SINGLE-HANDEDLY.

Sill Bimmons

If you’re better at your job it doesn’t matter if the other guy wants it more.

Col. Duke LaCross

Fuckin-A! GHOST with the highlight music!

Unsurprised

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Sill Bimmons

Head
Thorax
Knees
And
Toes
Knees
And
Toes

blaxabbath

ARI is soft.

Soft AF.

blaxabbath

Though I’m super stoked to see them holding onto their tackles this week. That’s been killing them this season.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Arizona is as soft as the strained peas that make up the meals of 70% of the state’s residents.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

As soft as John McCain’s grasp of what Congress is supposed to do.

Unsurprised

It would be slightly easier if you all who post imgur links just link to the page instead of the file.

jjfozz

Okey dokey

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have seen no one but you post imgur pics today, and you posted like 9 of them. Who are you talking to?

Unsurprised

Some dude

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Alright.

And sorry. Rereading how that came out was meaner than a meant, was just meant to be a light razzing

Mr. Ayo
Spur

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jjfozz

Tonight, Bruce Arians looks like a taxi cab driver during the New York City Pride Parade.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Unsurprised

Itching to run down a motherfucker?

King Hippo

MOAR LIEK fatherfucker imo

blaxabbath

When are they gonna let Chris Ivory pound the rock?

trollsoharduniversity

When they lose to the Jags?

Spur

Holy crap that was just the first quarter.

Horatio Cornblower

If any one wants to see what really happens when the stitches on a wound give out during a baseball game you should go look at the highlights of Trevor Bauer’s start today.

Looking at you Schilling, you goddamn fraud.

Senor Weaselo

Also, fuck Toronto.

Horatio Cornblower

Goes without saying.

blaxabbath

I went to see Bob Dylan last night. I’m not really into music much or go to concerts or anything but those dudes are professionals. I mean, to consider that they created that show from scratch shows just how impressive people can be. Impressive. 10/10.

Now, excuse me while I go write some dick haikus for mid-week #content.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Man, one of the owners in one of my leagues is trying to play the “Oh, they had the wrong guy in my lineup” card on us and everyone else is falling for it. Fuck. It’s a big-play league and he sat Brandon Cooks, so I get it, but these pansies are going to let him do it!

Senor Weaselo

Isn’t the ruling on that supposed to be “tough shit”?

herodotus450

Have you casually let him know that you have the combined might of dozens of internet commenters at your command?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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Horatio Cornblower

Who is “they”? The Illuminati? The Elders of Zion?

You set your line-up, you live with the consequences.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Right? I’m outraged. They’re actually throwing he words “Gentleman’s agreement” around. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Unsurprised

I think you need to just kill them all.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Um, it’s Monday. MAYBE you listen to that plea at 4 p.m. yesterday, but no way in hell that plays now.

Shogun Marcus

How some of you may be feeling.
Pelican-Dead Between the Walls
https://youtube.com/watch?v=-PqSPAV1GVM

Sill Bimmons
jjfozz

Have you ever yelled at a book you’re reading?

I did. Joe Hill (Stephen King’s son) wrote a book called “The Fireman”.

And this fucker just will not end. Like when you get crabs, you know?

So last night, I looked to see my progress, and it was 65%. And I yelled, “Just end the fucking thing!”

I need a new life.

Horatio Cornblower

Go read his father’s 8 book The Dark Tower series if you want to yell at something that just won’t end.

Or do what my wife does and yell at her marriage.

jjfozz

Horatio, I finished that series and I have never been more pissed off about a book in my life. What a fucking goddamn suck ass ending.

I wanted to hang King on a meathook and throw lit matches at him.

Fucking shit ass ending.

herodotus450

/Closes book 2, throws it in trash
//The virtual trash of course, on my kindle, cause what, am I a farmer?

Horatio Cornblower

No, read the first three, then maybe book 4, then just stop and write an ending of your own in your head.

The first three books are great, the fourth is good but if you’re like me you’ll start to get an “uh-oh, where’s he going with this?” vibe from it, and then the last three are just an unholy mess.

But I know people who love all 7 so whatever.

Horatio Cornblower

I finished that series and sold all 7 books for $5 at a tag sale and I feel like I won.

I never have and never will read the 8th book.

Sill Bimmons

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trollsoharduniversity

THESE NEW YORK JETS, I CALL THEM MY CRIPPLING DEPRESSION BECAUSE THEY HURT ME BUT I’M SOMEHOW WORRIED THAT I’D MISS THE HURT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Missing the Hurt?”

– cryptic text message sent to Marlee Matlin, February 14, 1987.

Shogun Marcus

A lesser god would let that go.

blaxabbath

I’m sad to hear CHI let Forte go. Was it just one of these big FA contracts or what?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He is 31 and they were trying to go young. His FA contract was managable (3 mil a year) but he was owed 9 by the Bears if they kept him

herodotus450

Plus he’s like 31, which is 105 in RB years, according to every sports pundit everywhere.

King Hippo

Viagra single packs. Because you only paid for the half-hour.

Sill Bimmons

The other 3 1/2 hours are YOUR problem…

jjfozz

Batten down the hatches, fuckfaces!
http://i.imgur.com/1drGDrE.jpg

trollsoharduniversity

Batten down! The hatches fuck faces!

Sill Bimmons

Bat! Tendown! Thehat! Chesfu! Ckfaces!

blaxabbath

Batten? Like button?

blaxabbath

“Damn it Larry! Cut him, Bruce!”

-Phoenicians

Spur

Arizona Cardinals vs New York Penalties

King Hippo

BLEERGH offers no quarter, Gang Green

LemonJello

ALL HAIL BLEERGH!

jjfozz

I’m going to get three more jobs, and work really hard. I’m going to save my money and invest some of it. Gonna cut costs down to the bone.

And I’m gonna get rich.

And launch a satellite that has a laser gun on it.

And I’m going to use it to fry Chris Berman like a doughnut at a state far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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John Difool

Too late.

makeitsnowondem

Do you have a Kickstarter?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m gonna get three more jobs…”

– Todd Marinovich, describing his anticipated employment for the remainder of 2016.

King Hippo

I think you left “give” and “hand” out of that sentence.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Out by the dumpster is also missing.

Unsurprised

Cute cat. Impressive video. http://imgur.com/gallery/Qa1a2ef

Senor Weaselo

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Unsurprised

Indeed

Unsurprised

I have a problem with jjfozz’s banner quote. I thought the Antichrist was supposed to be a charismatic leader. Cris Collinsworth couldn’t lead the goddamn Cincinnati Bengals.

trollsoharduniversity

Boston area Jets fan meetup update:
First “YOU SUCK” is shouted by a Jets fan at the Jets. Also, a decidedly non/petite person showed up wearing an enormous Kelly green “Fitz Magic” shirt that is somehow at least two sizes too small.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
trollsoharduniversity

The first time I came to this thing was the chiefs game and someone was wearing a Sanchez jersey. There were several suggestions that the jersey was bringing in on all the ints.

jjfozz

Please post a picture of said person.

Shogun Marcus

Only two?

Unsurprised

A shirt?

blaxabbath

I don’t care what anybody says, Ryan Fitzpatrick has what it takes to be a Big XII quarterback.

Spur

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Unsurprised

I’ve seen worse at Costco

Col. Duke LaCross

Other than I’m assuming he actually would go to class.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Define vodka in a “plastic jug” plz.
/asking for a friend

makeitsnowondem

Checks out.

Unsurprised

Accurate as fuck

Spur

Can we end this game and let the Falcons and Seahawks play a 5th quarter?

jjfozz

Insert “cups runneth over” joke here:
http://i.imgur.com/4k3VQXg.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

God DAMN

blaxabbath

Is Fitzpatrick’s cerebral plan to just hold onto the ball too long and, just before getting blown up by two defenders, to duck his head and try to get a headshot personal foul?

Senor Weaselo

That’s Harvard brilliance for you!

Unsurprised

If it’s stupid but it works it’s purple monkey dishwasher.

Where am I?

LemonJello

“I agree?”

-Trent Green

King Hippo

BUT HE’S A WHITE IVY LEAGUER SO SHUT UR PIEHOLE!!

– The same people who brought you the 2006-08 financial crisis

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: one way to break into the modeling scene here in LA is to schedule a headshot illegal touching session with Terry Richardson.