Your “How Low Can Your Ratings Go?” Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

There’s a chill in the air. Can you feel it? The hobos huddled close by the open fire sure can. There’s talk that it’s about time to head to the west coast. That means another three weeks of evading them darn switch yard bosses and the dogs that leave deep scars. Such is life on the rail. Wives, family members, kids-they’re all a distant memory. Just like you, they’ve moved on. Trusted friends? There are none out here-not when you could be shivved for a torn and patched and patched again winter coat. No, it’s every man for himself. A murmur rises ’round the fire. Someone’s got a pair of dice! Maybe tonight you could win a can of beans, or maybe even a night with Oral Lucy. Course, you could also lose your last pair of socks. Ah, what the hell, you only live once right? TO THE GAME!

Hou/Den-Your narrative is “Brocky Comes Backy” but it’s not as though he’s returning as a player that Denver (in retrospect) dearly wanted. Hell, the Broncs have their own guy (Paxton Lynch) that can match TD’s with intercepts and they’re not playing him. The most depressing stat related to the Texans qb that I’ve seen is that he’s 4-10 on throws over 11(!) yards. It’s not the 40% completion rate that gets me-it’s the fact that over the course of six games he’s ‘let ‘er fly’ less than twice a game. That’s boring-as-hell, god-awful, ratings-draining, 3 yards-and-cloud-of-dust bullshit football right there in a short throw/nutshell. Houston is a running team though and despite playing against stacked lines rb Miller is doing okay with a 4.2 ypc average and 631 combined yards. Look for him to get short passes (ya think?) outside the tackles and try to break something. The Broncs will also rely on their guy-rb Anderson-to get the running game going against the 29th-ranked D in that category. Migraine-conqueror and HC Kubiak returns to the sideline and has indicated that rook rb Booker might have a ‘special package’ for the Texans. Houston has been crushed by superior teams (Vikes, Pats) and I expect the same here.

Thar ye be! LET’S DO THIS THING!

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Brocky

Also, that last field goal was enough to swing a score in my league. last place guy got a win, can only help me in the long run right? RIGHT?

Unsurprised

Peyton Manning honored Gary Kubiak by being equally useless along the left side.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

First good one.

Unsurprised

Shit

Don T

Hemiplegic humor is uplifting.

Unsurprised

Impressive since it’s only using one arm

Brocky

Marc, I feel bad for saying this, but as I never really bothered to learn everyone’s name in the yahoo league, I’m not sure who I just beat.

JerBear50

THIS BROCK OSWEILER I CALL HIM JACK NICHOLSON CAUSE HE’S BROUGHT NOTHING BUT EMBARRASSMENT AND A BLACK EYE TO HOUSTON.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

that looks EXACTLY like one of my cats

Unsurprised

How much pot are cats allowed to purchase per day in Denver?

King Hippo

a quarter, I think

JerBear50

I don’t remember Benecio del Toro doing a Toonces episode.

Unsurprised

Keep your kids out of his hot tub, or as I call it, the Brock Lobster Pot

King Hippo

I thought that was Bobby Brown??

JerBear50

Shit. Yeah, that would have been the more up to date way to go. Also, the more accurately spelled.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What do you think David Carr is doing right now?

King Hippo

ironing his gloves

JerBear50

A lot of Oxy, I would assume.

King Hippo

oh PLEAZ let’s see this noodlearm try a HAIL MARY??

Unsurprised

I’ve been texting with a woman who is making jambalaya with grated cauliflower instead of rice because it’s paleo. So now I’m going to eat all of the six cups of rice I cooked to pair with my salmon.

King Hippo

you still get to have the sex when done eating that fuckton o’ rice, yeah??

Unsurprised

We’ll see.

King Hippo

Bring us pics and/or video. WE ARE COUNTING ON YOU, GRASSHOPPER

makeitsnowondem

Christ, man, I wouldn’t even want to after six cups of rice.

Unsurprised

Never underestimate the power of spite

Croooow

Money well spent, Houston.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

he’s been in the league 5 years, right? Tick tock…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Played 10 regular season games? So basically first year starter experience.

That said he is a slow grower.

Unsurprised

So is Brett Favre

King Hippo

tis the brain, though. I mock the arm, but really that’s fine. He’s checking down on 4th and 4 down by 18 points. He doesn’t have “it” and pretty certain he’s never gonna. Perhaps he’d be a fine backup, but he’s not NFL starter material, I am confident in saying (not just drunk yammering)

Unsurprised

Is Gary Kubiak’s favorite Deep Purple song Stroke On The Water?

Unsurprised

Do you think his favorite Starbucks drink is a Strokea Latte?

Unsurprised

He probably prefers Diet Stroke

Unsurprised

Gary Kubiak’s nickname for Mile High Stadium is Thunderstroke: Two halves enter, one half nugrgngnghhhsss

King Hippo

“The Stroke” – Billy Squier

Unsurprised

John Elway loves to take Gary Kubiak golfing. At the end of the game, he always adds 1 to Kube’s score

Unsurprised

After all, John Elways isn’t one to stroke Kubiak’s ego

Unsurprised

He even says hiring Kubiak was a stroke of genius

Unsurprised

Just to be safe, Elway gives Gary Kubiak a cake on his anniversary. One side is normal, but the other side is lopsided and runny.

King Hippo

Not even calling they timeouts. THIS is a broken will, right here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Even Gruden is throwin’ SHADE!!

King Hippo

24-9 with a Wade Phillips D against fucking Brock Lobster would be hilarious even if I wasn’t super crunk. DONKS WOO!!!!

The fornicators are coming FOAR YOU NEXT, King Laserface!!

Brocky

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Unsurprised

Hide the China!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Imma need a Denver defensive score to pull out the insanity win tonight….

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I need the opposite of that

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Aren’t we playing each other?

King Hippo

well, what just happened musta pissed you off something fierce

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I also have booker, so…

Unsurprised

This may be my new favoritest gif just at the idea that Andy Reid farted on Rivers here.

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5504/11035479506_a086fd7ee0_o.gif

King Hippo

Moral of story…if no whistle…RUN, goddamnit

Unsurprised

That applies in life as well as football

King Hippo

until the cops start shooting (and sometimes after, depending on how dark-hued you is)

Unsurprised

Well, I pass for white

King Hippo

then just say “yes sir, no sir”

Horatio Cornblower

The Cowboys at the bye post is quite possibly going to double as my good-bye to the NFL. I’ve about had it. If it weren’t for you fuckers I would have absolutely no reason to keep watching.

That said, I have beer reviews. Two even!

Lagunitas Tuberfest. An apparently limited edition Octoberfest type coming in at 7.5% ABV. Features a bad pun about Irish, tubers and ‘Ach Tuberfest’. The beer is from Lagunitas so I’m not going to say it’s terrible but I’m also not going to spend another $12.50 on a six-pack. It turns out that if you mix a bunch of hops & their bitterness with the sweetness of malt you get in Octoberfest type beers, (I think anyway; who am I, makeitsnow?), you get a beer that makes for an unpleasant mix of the two, rather than a good combination of the best attributes of both, which quite frankly I’m not even sure is possible.

I am, however, going to finish them. I didn’t spend $12.50 for refrigerator ornaments.

Ballast Point Dead Ringer Oktoberfest. This is a good beer. Not the equivalent of their Sculpins, although that’s hardly the worst thing you could say about a beer. Sweet, malty but not overly so. No bitterness detected, no fucking around trying to mix an IPA with an Octoberfest. Would drink again, although probably not tonight, because Im already gonna have a headache tomorrow.

King Hippo

but, but, DAK!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Refrigerator ornaments, or as they’re called in Baltimore, human remains.

Unsurprised

I thought that was limited to the Wisconsin dialect

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m right there with you. The hate has flowed through me this year like I was a young Anakin.

Croooow

Can we please stop putting the Texans in primetime?

Unsurprised

*checks IMDb for Texan actresses*

I’ll second this motion.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. Just got back from knocking on a bunch of doors for Hillary in Colorado. People with the game on tv were in good spirits.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How many guns did you confiscate?

King Hippo

the answer had better be ALL plus killed and ate all the white babies, obvs

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Then made the parents get sex-change operations & force them to get gay-married.

King Hippo

u can leave once their new penises or vajayjays touch, and they make peepee on they Bible.

Sad thing is, if one put this on Facebook, Southern folk would believe it.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

It’s getting sad & scary out there, my friend. I live in the rednecky part of WA, so we get our share of nutjobs (out driving on Saturday, we saw a guy with a “Trucks for Trump” sign on his parked truck…no fuckin’ idea…), but I would hate to live in the South at this point, being the damned left-wing librul that I am.

Unsurprised

I say we just burn down everything south of New York and east of Chicago Denver.

King Hippo

It helps being a recluse who is NAWT on the Twitter or FB

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You too, eh? I have a Twitter account that I basically ignore. My reaction to FB was just…”Why would I want to do this?”

The DFO slack thing and (DFO in general) is pretty much my “social network.”

King Hippo

the SNL actress who plays HillyBob is purty close to mah sexual ideal

/dem shoulders (two ways)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You may want to sit down, but I have some news for you about your chances with Kate McKinnon. They’re the same as your chances with Kate Upton, but for very different reasons.

Duchess

Moar like you two have too much in common.

King Hippo

we both LIEK the pussy, huh??

/no ofence

Beastmode Ate My Baby

She does a greatjob. It’s easy to overlook her when Baldwin is channeling Trump, but she really does knock the HRC part out of the park.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hilly Bob’s team is excellent at generating good walk lists, so no gunz drawn on ole BFC. I did, however, have to deploy my rudimentary Spanish a few times.

Don T

If you need Trump invective, con mucho gusto.

John Difool

Vince Wilfork looks like he will fork anything into his mouth…..including children and small pets like cows.

WCS

So… insurmountable lead?

Spanky Datass

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LemonJello

I’ve seen more organized monkey shit-fights at the zoo.

http://www.monkeyfuckingafootball.com/images/MFPlain.jpg

The Maestro

Didn’t know Cincy made their team a new logo, but I like it a lot.

Unsurprised

Based on Skyline’s favorite nugget-slinging customer?

Don T

Technically, not bestialism. The best kind of bestialism.

makeitsnowondem

That’s a stupidly good throw from Siemian. Jesus.

Unsurprised

He must’ve imagined it was his own poo

King Hippo

where everybody go? I smell that bad? Oh…

The Maestro

We’re just all wary from last night. Not you, fortunately. 😉

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You do, you need to shower. But I’m still around, I was making food/eating food for the last little while here.

King Hippo

MOAR LIEK IT

King Hippo

ARE YOU GODDAMNED KIDDING ME??

King Hippo

FOAR Halloween, the scary visage of Sam Bradford. JUST TRY LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE!!!!

King Hippo

Shane Ray is awfully good

John Difool

Early across the line gets the worm….

John Difool

Isn’t the one of the world’s biggest cliches is we wouldn’t be able to recognize NFL stars unless they were wearing full uniform and pads like doing every day things like shopping for eggs at Kroger?

Unsurprised

Yeah, because massive (mostly black) men (even the QBs are giants now) are so inconspicuous.

The Maestro

I will pay one of you good money to ship me a dozen boxes of the Caramel Crunch cereal to Canada. This is amazing.

Shogun Marcus

I’ll let you know when I see it.

trollsoharduniversity

Ape’s a goddamn traitor

King Hippo

these two assholes shld just let Molly Qerim talk.

/yes, I found the mute button JUST in time

//I would happily live in Molly Qerim’s bushes

Unsurprised

No way she has bushes. Maybe just a tasteful landing strip.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

comment image

I’m out folks…got to do training first thing in the am….

King Hippo

Kubes does NAWT have McManus on his fantasy team…

/he made the right call

Unsurprised

Give him a break. He didn’t think he’d need a mass shooter with a shitty goatee who turns out to be a dickhead Christian

Unsurprised

Er … Don’t give him a break.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I got family stuff to deal with. I might be back before game’s end, we’ll see.
http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/bc96b418-0177-4320-82d3-f0cd134d3947/d6958875-2799-4d9c-8b97-eaec7f6c4d79.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well shit; wrong image. Sentiment still counts. Cheers, mate.

King Hippo

it’s a good think that team ain’t real, or there’d be some pissed off fans

makeitsnowondem

No there wouldn’t. If it were a real team it’d be in Houston.

makeitsnowondem

Fiedorowicz’s name translates literally to “Redditors.”

...

For some reason, this reminded me of some article I read about racist Redditors doing DNA ancestry tests and turning on each other when the results didn’t come out Aryan enough.

King Hippo

2.5 YPA, yeah give that guy franchise scrilla

King Hippo

RANDY MOSS! He can talk about Most Glorious Pack of Wolves!!! Forward, Red Army to the non-Louisville portion of schedule. Spits on ground, Trotskyists!!!

King Hippo

NEED MOAR BEER

/also moar pills, but those need be rationed

King Hippo

are you fucking shitting me? barely touched the precious little flower

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Does HRTN need sex-crazed pirate women? Or maybe a snake cult in the congo…

http://comicsalliance.com/files/2011/08/pulprageformen.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

No comment. 😉

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s OK; he’s not going into the pegging part.

jjfozz

going to watch american horror story

King Hippo

Trevor Siemian alternates between Alex Smith and Rick Mirer, with no rhyme nor reason as to why.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Perhaps this is essentially his rookie year.

King Hippo

damn you being all rational I WANT MY CANDY FOR DINNER AND TO LOSE 2O POUNDS NOW

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can we put in a pool at the DFO clubhouse. Because this looks fun.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I fucked that up badly….
http://i.imgur.com/zA4a2FC.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

son of a bitch….imgur!!!!!!!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Here is the line that keeps running through my head whenever i hear Siemeans name said:

“Sipping pints of ale out the window sill
When I get my fill I’m chilly-chill”

fucked if i know why