Your “Week 11? Where Did The Time Go?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

If you haven’t felt the season fly by fairly quickly, I envy you and wish you well in your battle with acne. You see, as one ages time tends run faster. Someone that may or may not be smarter than me attributes this phenomenon to the fact that there is a distinct lack of “firsts” that occur as we grow older. These “first times” (getting a license, getting laid, killing a hobo, marrying a hobo’s widow, OD-ing on laundry detergent, changing underwear, etc.) are reference points by which our memory marks time. With a decreasing amount of fresh reference points, time feels as though it has sped up. That’s the theory, anyway. What’s that you say, “Shut up, scotchy. I didn’t come here to have some half-assed brain fart of a theory with more holes in it than a colander shoved in my face against my will by some drunk whose rancid breath I can smell from here!” My, aren’t we cranky this morning… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Cle-The Steelers have lost 3 straight on the road and it gets worse-4 of their next 5 are away. Not sure if Kessler or McCown are starting today but you’re right, it makes no matter. If you’re the type to be concerned with that you’re also curious about exactly how the deck chairs were arranged on the Titanic. It looks as though 8-8 or 9-7 is going to take the AFC North so Pit needs this to stay on the Ravens heels.

Bal/Dal-Speaking of the Ravens, it looks as though the Cowboys are going to do the Steelers a solid. (is that still used?) Dallas is favoured by 8 the last time I looked and Baltimore always loses by single digits so that’s a tough call. How the Ravens manage to stay close when Flacco has a 9/9 TD/Int ratio is beyond my comprehension. One TD per game? Wow. DAK! has thrown for 35 less yards and is at 14/2. So how does he pull that off when his fave target is Cole Freakin’ Beasley? I think this is the final confirmation that there is no governing intelligence in the universe.

Jax/Det-Qb Chunky Lardtrough is having him quite the season. It looks as though this might lead to a very healthy contract that he’ll not come remotely close to performing up to. Still, that kind of money buys a lot of Keebler elves and who really can put a price on their tasty cookies? The Jags “Fire Gus Bradley” movement continues apace in the form of god-awful play on the field and thinly-disguised despair in the locker room.

Ten/Ind-Both teams have alternated wins with losses for the last 5 weeks. Given that they each lost last week, logic dictates that they both must lose today. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but I have tremendous faith in the mediocrity of these teams. Two teams enter, both dissemble.

Buf/Cin-Much like an unwanted fan on a Wimbledon court, the Bills are streaking. After 2 losses, 4 wins and another 2 losses they look to the spaghetti chili basket of America for their next W. Bengal fans have been near-unanimous in their agreement that a sub-par O-line has sabotaged their season. As evidence they point to qb Dalton getting roughed up by a Giants D that heretofore couldn’t apply pressure with a warehouse full of bicycle tire pumps. Rex and Rob are going to watch some tape and blitz like Rommel in the desert. Wr Green will get his like he always does but it won’t be enough.

TB/KC-The most boring 7-2 team in the league raises its boring head. They’re tied with the Raiders atop the AFC West so they need this game vs. Tampa and will most likely get it. That’ll make 6 wins in a row and then their sked tightens up quite a bit. They have the Broncs (X2), Falcons and Raiders up ahead. What is there to say about the Bucs except that which has already been said?

Chi/NYG-The sulkiest sulker that ever shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes is trying to lead the Bears to the promised land of the second overall draft pick in 2017. That’s a thoughtful going-away present, isn’t it? Who says he doesn’t care? (everyone) To help things along wr Jeffrey has done his part by departing. HC Fox has also developed a new drill in practice-it’s called “throwing in the towel”. Fox maintains that, “It’s not just for the quarterbacks, it’s something everyone on the team can do.”

Ari/Min-Minny’s recent tumble might just be related to the loss for the year of 3 starting O-line guys. There’s only so many “Next Man Up!(s)” any team can pull off. The Cards had high expectations yet half of their 4 wins have come courtesy of the Niners. This game has “ugly mess” written all over it.

Now, GET YE TO YER BUNKERS AND START FIRING!!!

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Romonobyl

If cats had opposable thumbs I bet we’d all be dead by now.

Doktor Zymm

They’re inside the house!!!!

...

At least know they’d do a lousy job trying to throw balls at us.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ouch, gamblers not gonna like that result in Cleveland.

Spur

How about we try some outside runs for Zeke eh?

Redshirt

WE’RE IN A CLOSE GAME! THE SEASON IS SINKING! JETTISON THE TIMEOUTS! ITS OUR ONLY HOPE!

Redshirt

Bengals Long Snapper can barely walk. He limped onto the field, snapped, stayed there, and limped off the field.

I have a splinter in my non-dominate pinkie finger. I may call off work tomorrow.

litre_cola

I am not a look how hardcore these guys are compared to these guys in this sport or another but this is ridiculous.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/11/19/nhl-player-hit-with-a-slapshot-in-face-gets-36-stitches-then-returns-to-score-game-winning-goal/

Doktor Zymm

Is a buttcussion when you have a concussion of the butt, or when you concuss yourself on a butt?

Senor Weaselo

Whichever one’s more comedic, so yes.

King Hippo

Sigh. Even in garbage time, nothing to Tyreek Hill.

litre_cola

No boots on the ground at the CFL game today. Apologies, Mrs Cola is ill with the incoming little Cola in a few months. Really wanted to show you guys incognito tail gating as booze is not allowed in the parking lot per se. Basically everything is in water bottles or coffee mugs and the cops leave you alone. Sometimes if they are being wild they allow solo cups.

LemonJello

\clutches pearls*

“Solo cups? Why, I never!”

*”pearls” in this case are my testicles

Brocky

watching the bears game at a bar

Buddy is blatantly falling asleep

Brocky: dude you need some sleep

Buddy: *groggily with his head down* YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

Brocky: and I thank God for that fact every day

...

How many of society’s problems are a result of shitty dads? I mean, if Fred loved Donald, we’d be all better off right now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cause if you were you’d be molesting him?

Spur

Time to feed Zeke and kill that clock.

litre_cola

Alfred Morris Please

Doktor Zymm

Bears o-line distracted by a shiny, went home without their ball

Romonobyl

That’s why laser pens are banned from Soldier Field.

...

Don’t say that until you’ve seen the Bad Santa/Bad Moms crossover. Lots of BJs in one of those little plastic mall Santa cottage!

Spur

I’m really fucking tired of wilcox and his horrible angles.

Romonobyl

Damn, Carr got away with one.

Redshirt

…and another Bengals hurt. What happens is a team cannot field 11 players?

Doktor Zymm

They become the Browns

Spur

Ray Rice is available. He’s willing to play any position.

litre_cola

The fan sitting in section 108, seat 3 row 9 come on down, you are the new left guard!

Col. Duke LaCross

Sobering stat from the Bears radio broadcast, “The Manning family has almost a hundred more TD passes over the last 50 years than the Bears.”

Spur

A Cowboy defender tried i pluck Flacco’s unibrow. 15 yard penalty.

Wakezilla

That was totally defensive PI that didn’t get called before the Elitedown, though.

Redshirt

Emergency Long Snapper warming up in Cincinnati. Shenanigans to follow shortly.

King Hippo

A reminder of how goddamned stupid I am – I traded Le’Veon for Devonate Booker. It’s a Keeper League, but still…

...

From now on, instead of using the saying “like comparing apples and oranges,” I’m going to say “like comparing Apples and Mannings.”

Romonobyl

Apples and Dolphins.

Doktor Zymm

Ok, who filled the football with jam?

Shogun Marcus

Jamball sounds delicious.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you had said honey, I would have guessed Andy Reid, but I’m still going to go ahead and guess Andy Reid.

LemonJello

comment image

King Hippo

4th and 2 from the 29, 12 minutes left, down 7…and TN kicks a goddamned FG??

Beerguyrob

BLEERGH REIGNS SUPREME IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet there are a lot of Cowboys fans out there that tell themselves they’re not racist because their team has a black quarterback.

Romonobyl

It’s OK, he’s one of the “good ones”.

King Hippo

Being from MS (or at least having spent his university days there), I’m sure he knos his place ,, amirite??

Spur
Doktor Zymm

He’s Daklightful!

Spur

I wonder how many people are trying to return their Panthers gear for Cowboys gear?

Beerguyrob

Probably to the same place they returned their Warriors gear.

blaxabbath

You’ll never sell me that the NFL does not tamper with officials.

Romonobyl

$20foranhour$100forthenightmomdown!!!!!

Beerguyrob

It appears the Ravens did not bring a elite defence to Dallas.

King Hippo

Sure would be nice if KC would finally lose one of these fucking games.

Doktor Zymm

I still want a KC super bowl cause LOL Eagles fans who hate Andy Reid

Spur

And the Chiefs win on a clutch 2 minute drill.

Wakezilla

If only McNabb was still playing. . .

blackroseMD1

Seconded.

Spur

XX

Doktor Zymm

Kicking is hilarious

...

I wish there was an actual football team called the Kentucky Buckets.

Wakezilla

Give it a few years and a minor league baseball team will eventually adopt that name

...

It could be a New York Red Bulls sort of deal.

(The current Louisville minor league team is called the Bats, so that’ll never change.)

Wakezilla

I think Sex Cannon is doing the playcalling for the Eskimos. That’s 3 or 4 straight 2 and outs where both play calls were bombs that went nowhere. . . .

Ottawa returns a punt return for a touchdown.

And that’s when WakeZilla typed ‘Game. Over.” on his laptop on a dick joke site.

Spur

Ravens Defense getting tired now. Grind it out Cowboys

Beerguyrob

The refs are trying to give Arians a stroke.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DOINK

...

MOAR MISSES FOR THE MISSED KICK GOD

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Barth miss acoming?

Doktor Zymm

Bear’s down, Chicago Bears, something something something got no victory

Senor Weaselo

Bear down for midterms?

Romonobyl

All Dallas needs is a first half of footballing to get warmed up.

Spur

Mosley taunting then gets burnt. Good shit

Beerguyrob

My years of experience watching & playing hockey have taught me what Bruce Arians is currently saying.

Romonobyl

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game is going to end with a backbreaking Cutler interception, isn’t it?

...

Don’t they all?

Brocky

Not really actually.

I think his pics this year have mostly come when the game is out of reach

Beerguyrob

Nice of 2011 Carson Palmer to show up in Minny.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna call Jordan Howard JoHo

King Hippo

He makes a YUUUUUGE play, Fox puts Langford in. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Doktor Zymm

Something something Cutler’s toughness!

Romonobyl

Just cook him a little longer…remember, low and slow!