If you haven’t felt the season fly by fairly quickly, I envy you and wish you well in your battle with acne. You see, as one ages time tends run faster. Someone that may or may not be smarter than me attributes this phenomenon to the fact that there is a distinct lack of “firsts” that occur as we grow older. These “first times” (getting a license, getting laid, killing a hobo, marrying a hobo’s widow, OD-ing on laundry detergent, changing underwear, etc.) are reference points by which our memory marks time. With a decreasing amount of fresh reference points, time feels as though it has sped up. That’s the theory, anyway. What’s that you say, “Shut up, scotchy. I didn’t come here to have some half-assed brain fart of a theory with more holes in it than a colander shoved in my face against my will by some drunk whose rancid breath I can smell from here!” My, aren’t we cranky this morning… TO THE GAMES!
Pit/Cle-The Steelers have lost 3 straight on the road and it gets worse-4 of their next 5 are away. Not sure if Kessler or McCown are starting today but you’re right, it makes no matter. If you’re the type to be concerned with that you’re also curious about exactly how the deck chairs were arranged on the Titanic. It looks as though 8-8 or 9-7 is going to take the AFC North so Pit needs this to stay on the Ravens heels.
Bal/Dal-Speaking of the Ravens, it looks as though the Cowboys are going to do the Steelers a solid. (is that still used?) Dallas is favoured by 8 the last time I looked and Baltimore always loses by single digits so that’s a tough call. How the Ravens manage to stay close when Flacco has a 9/9 TD/Int ratio is beyond my comprehension. One TD per game? Wow. DAK! has thrown for 35 less yards and is at 14/2. So how does he pull that off when his fave target is Cole Freakin’ Beasley? I think this is the final confirmation that there is no governing intelligence in the universe.
Jax/Det-Qb Chunky Lardtrough is having him quite the season. It looks as though this might lead to a very healthy contract that he’ll not come remotely close to performing up to. Still, that kind of money buys a lot of Keebler elves and who really can put a price on their tasty cookies? The Jags “Fire Gus Bradley” movement continues apace in the form of god-awful play on the field and thinly-disguised despair in the locker room.
Ten/Ind-Both teams have alternated wins with losses for the last 5 weeks. Given that they each lost last week, logic dictates that they both must lose today. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but I have tremendous faith in the mediocrity of these teams. Two teams enter, both dissemble.
Buf/Cin-Much like an unwanted fan on a Wimbledon court, the Bills are streaking. After 2 losses, 4 wins and another 2 losses they look to the spaghetti chili basket of America for their next W. Bengal fans have been near-unanimous in their agreement that a sub-par O-line has sabotaged their season. As evidence they point to qb Dalton getting roughed up by a Giants D that heretofore couldn’t apply pressure with a warehouse full of bicycle tire pumps. Rex and Rob are going to watch some tape and blitz like Rommel in the desert. Wr Green will get his like he always does but it won’t be enough.
TB/KC-The most boring 7-2 team in the league raises its boring head. They’re tied with the Raiders atop the AFC West so they need this game vs. Tampa and will most likely get it. That’ll make 6 wins in a row and then their sked tightens up quite a bit. They have the Broncs (X2), Falcons and Raiders up ahead. What is there to say about the Bucs except that which has already been said?
Chi/NYG-The sulkiest sulker that ever shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes is trying to lead the Bears to the promised land of the second overall draft pick in 2017. That’s a thoughtful going-away present, isn’t it? Who says he doesn’t care? (everyone) To help things along wr Jeffrey has done his part by departing. HC Fox has also developed a new drill in practice-it’s called “throwing in the towel”. Fox maintains that, “It’s not just for the quarterbacks, it’s something everyone on the team can do.”
Ari/Min-Minny’s recent tumble might just be related to the loss for the year of 3 starting O-line guys. There’s only so many “Next Man Up!(s)” any team can pull off. The Cards had high expectations yet half of their 4 wins have come courtesy of the Niners. This game has “ugly mess” written all over it.
Now, GET YE TO YER BUNKERS AND START FIRING!!!
If cats had opposable thumbs I bet we’d all be dead by now.
They’re inside the house!!!!
At least know they’d do a lousy job trying to throw balls at us.
As an announcer, Lynch just differentiated himself from Al Micheals by saying that this injury to Floyd “is sobering”.
Ouch, gamblers not gonna like that result in Cleveland.
How about we try some outside runs for Zeke eh?
WE’RE IN A CLOSE GAME! THE SEASON IS SINKING! JETTISON THE TIMEOUTS! ITS OUR ONLY HOPE!
Bengals Long Snapper can barely walk. He limped onto the field, snapped, stayed there, and limped off the field.
I have a splinter in my non-dominate pinkie finger. I may call off work tomorrow.
I am not a look how hardcore these guys are compared to these guys in this sport or another but this is ridiculous.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/11/19/nhl-player-hit-with-a-slapshot-in-face-gets-36-stitches-then-returns-to-score-game-winning-goal/
“Why do these kids constantly pretend to be hurt?”
-Mike Ditka
Is a buttcussion when you have a concussion of the butt, or when you concuss yourself on a butt?
Whichever one’s more comedic, so yes.
Sigh. Even in garbage time, nothing to Tyreek Hill.
No boots on the ground at the CFL game today. Apologies, Mrs Cola is ill with the incoming little Cola in a few months. Really wanted to show you guys incognito tail gating as booze is not allowed in the parking lot per se. Basically everything is in water bottles or coffee mugs and the cops leave you alone. Sometimes if they are being wild they allow solo cups.
\clutches pearls*
“Solo cups? Why, I never!”
*”pearls” in this case are my testicles
watching the bears game at a bar
Buddy is blatantly falling asleep
Brocky: dude you need some sleep
Buddy: *groggily with his head down* YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
Brocky: and I thank God for that fact every day
How many of society’s problems are a result of shitty dads? I mean, if Fred loved Donald, we’d be all better off right now.
Cause if you were you’d be molesting him?
Time to feed Zeke and kill that clock.
Alfred Morris Please
Bears o-line distracted by a shiny, went home without their ball
That’s why laser pens are banned from Soldier Field.
Bad Santa 2: More Formulaic Than The First One!
Don’t say that until you’ve seen the Bad Santa/Bad Moms crossover. Lots of BJs in one of those little plastic mall Santa cottage!
BJ’s are great. I’m afraid of The Bear.
I’m really fucking tired of wilcox and his horrible angles.
Damn, Carr got away with one.
…and another Bengals hurt. What happens is a team cannot field 11 players?
They change their names to the Browns?
They become the Browns
Ray Rice is available. He’s willing to play any position.
The fan sitting in section 108, seat 3 row 9 come on down, you are the new left guard!
Sobering stat from the Bears radio broadcast, “The Manning family has almost a hundred more TD passes over the last 50 years than the Bears.”
A Cowboy defender tried i pluck Flacco’s unibrow. 15 yard penalty.
That was totally defensive PI that didn’t get called before the Elitedown, though.
Was just about to mention that. Doesn’t get more obvious…
Emergency Long Snapper warming up in Cincinnati. Shenanigans to follow shortly.
A reminder of how goddamned stupid I am – I traded Le’Veon for Devonate Booker. It’s a Keeper League, but still…
From now on, instead of using the saying “like comparing apples and oranges,” I’m going to say “like comparing Apples and Mannings.”
Apples and Dolphins.
Ok, who filled the football with jam?
Jamball sounds delicious.
If you had said honey, I would have guessed Andy Reid, but I’m still going to go ahead and guess Andy Reid.
4th and 2 from the 29, 12 minutes left, down 7…and TN kicks a goddamned FG??
BLEERGH REIGNS SUPREME IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!
I bet there are a lot of Cowboys fans out there that tell themselves they’re not racist because their team has a black quarterback.
It’s OK, he’s one of the “good ones”.
Being from MS (or at least having spent his university days there), I’m sure he knos his place ,, amirite??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAKksqKR3pI
Lynch just used poise and DAK! in the same sentence. Weird!
He’s Daklightful!
[runs into the room, mumbles to self] Stupid kid-related responser-billties! Did I miss anything?
/Giants are up-Whooo!
I wonder how many people are trying to return their Panthers gear for Cowboys gear?
Probably to the same place they returned their Warriors gear.
You’ll never sell me that the NFL does not tamper with officials.
$20foranhour$100forthenightmomdown!!!!!
It appears the Ravens did not bring a elite defence to Dallas.
Sure would be nice if KC would finally lose one of these fucking games.
I still want a KC super bowl cause LOL Eagles fans who hate Andy Reid
And the Chiefs win on a clutch 2 minute drill.
If only McNabb was still playing. . .
Seconded.
XX
Kicking is hilarious
I wish there was an actual football team called the Kentucky Buckets.
Give it a few years and a minor league baseball team will eventually adopt that name
It could be a New York Red Bulls sort of deal.
(The current Louisville minor league team is called the Bats, so that’ll never change.)
I think Sex Cannon is doing the playcalling for the Eskimos. That’s 3 or 4 straight 2 and outs where both play calls were bombs that went nowhere. . . .
Ottawa returns a punt return for a touchdown.
And that’s when WakeZilla typed ‘Game. Over.” on his laptop on a dick joke site.
Ravens Defense getting tired now. Grind it out Cowboys
The refs are trying to give Arians a stroke.
DOINK
MOAR MISSES FOR THE MISSED KICK GOD
Barth miss acoming?
Bear’s down, Chicago Bears, something something something got no victory
Bear down for midterms?
All Dallas needs is a first half of footballing to get warmed up.
Mosley taunting then gets burnt. Good shit
My years of experience watching & playing hockey have taught me what Bruce Arians is currently saying.
This game is going to end with a backbreaking Cutler interception, isn’t it?
Don’t they all?
Not really actually.
I think his pics this year have mostly come when the game is out of reach
Nice of 2011 Carson Palmer to show up in Minny.
I’m gonna call Jordan Howard JoHo
He makes a YUUUUUGE play, Fox puts Langford in. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Something something Cutler’s toughness!
Just cook him a little longer…remember, low and slow!