“Fuck the Midwest” Edition – Weekend Lesser Footy Preview

You can take the states of Meeeechigan and Ohio and use them exclusively for nuclear waste storage for all I care. Oh, and I guess to hold the collective ESPN commentator ejaculate.

Anyway, Burnley host Man City to kick your Saturday off. You can watch while pretending to have resolve to get up early and get on that treadmill/exercise bike (7:30, NBCSN). You get a terrible, unspeakable game on NBCSN in the 10:00 window, watch Leicester/Middlesbrough on CNBC instead.

5th position Spurs invade top of the table Chelski at 12:30, and it rightly gets big boy NBC coverage. This is the match of the weekend, and a true test of whether Chelski have the mettle of a potential champion. Tottenham usually do quite poorly here, but this is a different caliber side than most of the past decade-plus.

CNBC start Sunday with a drab double-header of Watford/Stoke (7:00) and Arsenal/Bornemoth (9:15). At least the latter is a grudge match between Horatio and yeah right!

The real action is in the 11:30 window, with NBCSN taking Manure hosting West Ham, with Mourinho trying to pull himself out of a death spiral against an equally desperate side that surprisingly finds itself just clear of the relegation zone. On CNBC, 7th position Everton visit 11th place Soton, who will look to provide a rude welcome to their former manager, Ronald Koeman. Everton are in very poor form at present, so…blech.

Georgia Tech at Georgia (Noon, SECN)

This game is underrated in the intensity of the hatred it produces/involves, but it will be nigh unwatchable this year due to the Bees’ offensive style and the Dawgs’ offensive ineptitude. The latter is largely due to youth, though. GT is abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Kentucky at Louisville (Noon, ESPN)

They moved this “always used to be Labor Day Weekend” fixture to the end of the season, presumably to make fans more confused as to why this isn’t a basketball game.

Michigan at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

HantaAIDS FOAR all.

Mississippi State at Ole Miss (3:30, SECN)

Johnny Reb needs this Egg Bowl (coo coo ka-choo!!) to qualify for a shitty bowl bid, thanks to their hilarious loss at Vandy. The Cowbells just aim to fuck shit up, which is always fun in a rivalry game.

Auburn at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Iron Bowl! A game Roll Damn Time could conceivably lose! No wait, Bama’s at home. Try again next year, War Damn Eagle.

Notre Dame at USC (3:30, ABC)

Because laughing at Brian Kelly is really, really fun.

Utah at Colorado (7:30, Fox)

Buffs go to the Pac 12 title game with a win. Otherwise, SC gets it.

South Carolina at Clemson (7:30, ESPN)

The Chickens are pretty meh, but stabilized a little bit late, as the Tiggers have wobbled. Minor upset potential is present.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Vandy can also get into a shit bowl with a win over a rival, and the Vols have little to play for other than maintaining their .950-ish all-time record over the sad sack Commodores. Again, minor upset potential is present.

Florida at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

I see nothing compelling in this “spotlight” game whatsoever.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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I caught some of the local news last night by accident and they broadcast some MOS interviews with people about their reaction to BLM protests along Michigan Avenue that included blocking some stores.

Of course they interview all sorts of frustrated white people who say things like “this isn’t the proper time or place for this” with the subtext being that proper place is “where I can ignore it” and the proper time is “never.”

I mean, Heaven forbid someone brielfy interfere with your unnecessary shopping.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Apparently if you are Native American having an unarmed protest for a violation of sovereign land the full militarized force is set upon you, if you are white and have an armed insurrection and occupy a federal building we’re good; free to go.

JustStopDude

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scotchnaut

I’m guessing this is your fave band?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9rG7hSHC1I

/can’t resist a dig

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just had to type it to let it sink in a bit. Pardon my big ass.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

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entropy

Joe Bob Briggs – approved boob fu

scotchnaut

If I had a massive penis enlargement I wouldn’t waste it on bricks.

/Dominoes is where it’s at

entropy

Announcer states Ohio QB has good protection as defender sacks said QB. Fuck I hate sports announcers.

JustStopDude

So when does Harbaugh…woody hayes a mother fucker?

http://i.imgur.com/iAOK5tL.gif

JustStopDude

My money, its his own player…

laserguru

Have leftover ham from Thanksgiving?

Dice it up and remove the nasty bits.
Take 2 pounds of potatoes and run then through a mandolin or just slice super thin.
Get a pint of heavy cream.
Grab a cup and grate some fresh Parmigiano-Reggiano into it. Yes a full cup.
Mince a couple of cloves of garlic.
Get some sprigs of fresh thyme.
Combine all of this and put in a baking dish.
Sprinkle with salt, freshly ground black pepper and a sprinkle of NUTMEG!
Bake in a preheated 375 degree oven until bubbly.
Rest for 10 minutes and serve with a side salad and some crusty bread.
Congratulations, you just made baked ham and potato gratin.

Accept the accolades and bask in the glory.
Drink all of the beer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not even a little hungry and that still sounds mouth-watering.

laserguru

It’s so simple and so damn easy and so damn rich.
Slicing the potatoes correctly is key.
Be careful with that mandolin.
We lost a lot of good men out there.

entropy

Ray Romano’s brother is no Fred Gwynne.

Fronkenshteen

Nor was he Jackie Gleason..

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If the company softball game is any indication, he’s no Tony Gwynn either.

JustStopDude

If I am made emperor…scores from unaffiliated sporting leagues will not be shown at the bottom of the score board during sporting events.

I keep getting confused by basketball scores during a fucking football game…STOP IT!

entropy

When I’m elected God I’ll appoint you emperor and we will GET SHIT DONE

laserguru

Don’t these asshole sports networks know that there is an invention called the DVR?
And people may want to watch more than one sporting event while fast forwarding through the commercials?

Stop showing the scores you stupid fucks!

Fronkenshteen

Hot take: Lewis Black’s “Rules Of Enragement” is a top 10 of all time comedy album.

Shogun Marcus

It’s in the running for sure. Rant in E-Minor always works for me.

Shogun Marcus

Milwaukee with Dave Attell and Mitch Hedberg (RIP goddamnit).

Fronkenshteen

Holy shit! All on the same bill?

Shogun Marcus

Yup. Insomniac tour.

JustStopDude

Every fucking time…

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I can never deep fry a turkey without a fucking problem….

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m sure it’s just cosmetic. A coupla coats of paint will fix it right up.

JustStopDude

I was five payments away from owning that shit outright…

Seriously…every time I buy a turkey fryer on layaway, bad shit happens….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Frabreeze would work.

entropy

Hey scotchy this is that “yule log” channel you were watching yesterday.

scotchnaut

[Mistaking it for a dumpster, cheers half-heartedly]

-Browns Fan

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So this morning I made some machaca with slow-scrambled eggs for burritos. My wife and I got into a fight because she INSISTED on adding to it some overcooked scrambled eggs from the previous morning (that I had been saving in the refrigerator to give to the DOG). She’s insane, right? Like, over the rainbow, bars in the window, right?

entropy

You should get her one of those stylish white coats with the extra long arms and all the buttons in the back.

laserguru

Scrambled eggs must be served immediately. Please scramble your eggs softly.

This has been a message from the egg advisory council.

scotchnaut

Abraham Lincoln was a chimpanzee! Much like everything else, Mark Wahlberg can’t comprehend it!

entropy

That movie is idiotic. Marky Mark spends the entire opening complaining they should let humans fly the ships, and each time he does it, HE CRASHES THE FUCKING SHIP. Chimp flies? Perfect landing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love my wife’s brother’s family, but four full days of being nice is just way too much.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeebus…I’m still recovering from just one day with my own family.
You deserve Sainthood, Sir.

JustStopDude

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entropy

Man Neil Gaiman needs to cut back on the cocaine.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THEY’RE FINALLY GONE!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

True story that Ram commercial reminded me of: papa entropy asks me, as a teenager, “if everyone you knew jumped off a bridge would you do it too?”

I replied, “if everyone I knew jumped off a bridge sooner or later it wouldn’t hurt.”

Oh he beat the shit outta me.

entropy

It’s cool. I earned that one when I wouldn’t stop laughing. And I wasn’t hospitalized or anything.

JustStopDude

The fucking Chevy commercials drive me nuts. Its like they collect the six individuals they could find in America that have never seen a fucking car before, and film how amazed they are at one.

“I like that the headlights face towards the road!”

Shogun Marcus

When you’re strongest selling point is basically “it’s a mullet,” maybe you’re doing it wrong.

entropy

I want to seriously injure the Chevy guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My old man was way more sarcastic…. and for that I thank him.

scotchnaut

“You used my image without my permission?”

-Buddy Cole

entropy

One of the bittersweet things about our New Business Overlord is that we can finally do away with the term “microaggressions,” which makes me rather happy; the sad part is we will simply replace them with 50s-style actual aggressions.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Twitter-aggressions?

entropy

Tweet Lives Matter?

...

While Trump is certainly no committed nationalist, I fear that he’s sufficiently normalized and softened up the country to accept an actual nationalist who really will do scary pogrom-esque shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and the polite term for Neo-Nazi; “Alt-Right.”

scotchnaut

Stop being insightful-I’M DRINKING OVER HERE!

entropy

I’m just drunk enough to appear deep, I’ll be a moron again soon.

scotchnaut

Way ahead of you.

JustStopDude

I don’t get pokemon….

entropy

Shut me off cuz I’ll go crazy with this planet on my hands…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKj5cJ9_KSg

JustStopDude

What does everyone thing the percentage of people in the stands for the Ohio State/Michigan that actually went to either colleges?

I’m thinking low teens…

entropy

Ah, someone’s taking the over, I see.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You think they went to college?

entropy

It’s where all the best parties were in High School.

JustStopDude

I don;t know how anyone could not be a little pumped for the Ohio/Michigan game.

I mean its two really good time, from two of the most racist, ignorant parts of the US….so many easy ways to troll morons on twitter…YOU GOT TO LOVE IT!!!

JustStopDude

derps…”Teams”….the gin is getting to me already….

...

It’s the Iron Bowl for people who sneer at the South while sharing many of its key values!

entropy

To be fair, they usually just laugh at the South for being poor and uneducated. They know damn well they share the racism.

...

Yeah, but they’ll pretend they don’t share than on the surface.

JustStopDude

I kid you fucking not…I am working a steel mill job in Ecorse.

One of the site electricians working with me asked where we were based out of.

“Virginia”

“Man…I don’t know how you Niggers can live in the racist ass south”

I fucking hate working up in the Great Lakes region. I never…EVER get disrespected, even in the deep fucking South, like I do up there.

herodotus450

Yeah but we’re just so enlightened up here that we can talk like that.

entropy

What, did you guys “take the word back,” Randall-style?

herodotus450

We don’t even see race; we just assume we’re white because the state went to trump

entropy

Ah, the Pennsylvania Strategy. Gotcha.

JustStopDude

Sorry everybody…I didn’t really mean to harsh the whole thread.

entropy

Nothing to apologize for; we’ll get back to our regularly scheduled dick jokes soon enough.

...

The fact that was not an ironic comment is so very, very telling of how the Midwest thinks.

JustStopDude

Every steel mill I have worked in the South, the day shift is white, black, latino….well there is one mill in Arkansas, that the one shift electrician is so openingly gay, its FANTASTIC!

All that matters is production. They want the best of the best available 24/7.

You go up north…the day shift are the old white guys. The few minorities and women all have to do the night shift and that’s when everything gets done. The union demands this and the management tolerates it.

Unsurprised

No wonder unions are dying off.

scotchnaut

I’m watching Planet of the Apes or as Trumpers would call it, ‘that documentary about Obama’s America”.

entropy

Pretty much every commenter at StormFront just got a bloody nose from that comment.

...

/Dinesh D’Souza cums
/cellmate beats him

Gratliff

All of these RIP Castro comments from kids on the tweetbook can’t be real. No one knows history anymore. Castro is not Guevara. Guevara was the socialist idealist known equally for his compassion for the poor and tired, and willingness to murder people who didn’t agree with him. Castro was the one who rode that populist revolution to power, maybe sorta sold Che out, immediately compromised the idealism for communism when the Soviets offered resources, and let his country spend the last 3 decades in squalor because he wouldn’t adapt to the world changing around him.

...

They really shouldn’t celebrate Guevara either, but a deep vein of righteous rebellion (and secret love of autocratic rule), is the far left’s fatal flaw.

Gratliff

It’s easy to get lost in his philosophies and stories dealing with the downtrodden, but you would think the fact that half the people who survived the revolution consider him a monstrous butcher would give away the game.

...

Nothing made me roll my eyes harder than seeing guys on Facebook with profile pictures holding their child in their suburban dwelling talking about how “maybe we just need to burn it down.” Bitch, if shit really burned down, you’d be fucking food.

Spanky Datass

That was fun! WOOOOOO SWANS!!!!1!

Spanky Datass

PS Please don’t get relegated.
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Spanky Datass

Hell yes!
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

Just got a fucking phone call from the fucking funeral. Because the procession got stuck in traffic, ergo instead of getting to the grave site by 3pm, we got there at 307pm…it counts as a “night time burial” and therefore they need to charge for the lights they never set up.

I fucking detest funeral home directors.

entropy

How does a funeral procession get stuck in traffic? Do they not let them go through all that shit by you, or is that a PA thing?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is the official version which probably is not truthful.

http://patch.com/illinois/beverly-mtgreenwood/police-involved-shooting-mt-greenwood

herodotus450

“What’re you gonna do, unbury him?”

Gratliff

At some point, baseball bats become acceptable negotiating tools

entropy

Nikki (the bass player) is adorable in concert. She does this weird little hopping dance the entire time she plays.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XN0NtrnfMY

entropy

I love these guys. They are truly amazing in concert.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Know what’s fun? Trying to get a house decorated for Christmas with an 11 yr old ADHD case running all over the place knocking shit over.
Christamighty.

theeWeeBabySeamus

STOP PULLING ON THE F…..
…ON THE TREE!!!!
/profanity editor enganged

entropy

Impressive. I’m usually about twelve f-bombs deep before one of my family members gives me that “you’re such an asshole” look and I have to pretend it’s not hilarious when a three year old says “fuck.”

Gratliff

You still pretend? That’s impressive caring.

entropy

I do my best. When she starts shouting “FUCK!!” just to get a reaction from people, I lose my damn mind. That’s usually when everyone starts asking why they invited me again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Give it time….I haven’t started drinking yet.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I hate putting this shit up too, especially before my birthday. But b/w the kid and it being Mom’s favorite time of year (and now with dad gone), I kinda don’t have a choice.

Vodka will fall hard later, tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So the term “conflict of interest” has apparently lost all meaning.

entropy

The entire Trump presidency will be four long years ending with the punchline, “Bitch you knew I was a snake when you picked me up.”

...

Yeah, it was pretty clear that this was the most likely outcome. The people screaming about him being an orange Hitler never really understood Hitler. Hitler believed in something bigger than himself; Trump believes nothing is bigger than himself.

All of this is setting up for a bloodbath in the 2018 midterms which I eagerly hope for.

Unsurprised

Yeah, the Democrats are going to get their asses kicked.

WCS

It’s going to be hilarious when Texas is forced to buy out Tom Herman for $15 million after two 7-6 seasons.

laserguru

Wait. Horatio likes Arsenal AND the Cowboys?

Holy Jesus.

laserguru

GAHHHH!

...

I guess we’re allowed to have one of them here. But just one.

entropy

For everyone but Horatio, we get rid of the login math test and ask for team allegiances.

laserguru

Harrumph!

laserguru

For some reason a part of me thinks he’s a Lakers fan too.

entropy

Uh…… I’m the Lakers fan here.

//ducks

scotchnaut

“We are thoroughly engaged, gentlemen.”

-Scotch Mode

scotchnaut

I’ve been doing the “Plenty of Booze and 1 Meal A Day Plan” for three weeks now. The results are astounding!

Unsurprised

That much, eh?

laserguru

Go get ’em Scotchy.

I’m not even out of bed yet.

Are you kidding? It’s 49 degrees outside.
49!

How much is a man supposed to take?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

49? 49?!?! That’s when it is comfortable to go pantsless and masturbate at the bus stop.

entropy

DAMN.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds as if someone, I won’t name names, would be willing to help get some sounds out of that teeny body.

...

I’ve always been a sucker for a girl with a voice so I too say DAMN.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ain’t nuttin’ wrong wit skinny girls.

*Except the unhealthy ones.
**She seems very healthy.
***Anyone who’s dated a multi-orgasmic distance runner will….. never mind.

scotchnaut

Every girl I dated in high school was a volleyball player. Coincidence? Yes.

/perhaps not though
//they practised before the basketball team and there were tight gym shorts, bouncing boobs, flushed faces and other things

...

Tall and fit? Sign me up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

It does not feel like Saturday. But let’s all just never go back to work.

ballsofsteelandfury

For a UCLA guy, you would think today is a root for the meteor day. It’s not. I hate Notre Dame with the intensity of a thousand suns and I can’t wait for USC to embarrass them on national TV.

I’m also catholic, so…

The alternative is that the Domers spring the upset and embarrass USC which I would find highly hilarious.

So today is a Win Win for me, is what I’m saying.

entropy

This is a very strange video. Good song, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBzrzS1Ag_g

ballsofsteelandfury

Definitely like the intro

entropy

I thought that would go over well here.

entropy

10:15 AM whiskey? 10:15 AM whiskey.

There’s a lot of local insanity regarding today’s Penn State game, and I must be fortified to deal with any of it.

scotchnaut

Nice. And here I was waiting until 11 for no real reason…

entropy

I may not be the best person to use as your drinking compass.

WCS

http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbdz9c8TaB1qcxymno2_500.gif

Here I am, trying to find a reason to just power through. Wifey took baby to her mother’s for the day. I’ve got the place to myself for the first time in months. Problem is, I’m probably just going to listen to Neil Young while passing out.

Don T

Fidel Castro dies [#TOPICAL] and goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him and Fidel says:
–I wanna talk to God.
St. Peter says no but Fidel goes on a two-hour harangue and St. Peter relents:
–Down the hall, third door on the right.
Fidel goes in, three hours pass, four hours, ten hours… The door flies open [teehee] and St. Peter asks:
–God! What’s going on?
And God says:
–First of all, it’s “comrade”. Second, God doesn’t exist.

WCS

Speaking of chili….

WCS

WCS

WCS

Up all night, because I’m dranking and making chili. Simpsons marathon only adds to my addictions.

scotchnaut

I put chorizo in mine yesterday because I found some at the grocery store. Do you how often that’s on the shelves in Forgotten, Ontario? About twice a freakin’ year.

laserguru

Don’t read the ingredient list.

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