Here’s where we begin to see teams get separated from their playoff aspirations. Yes, the annual bevy of articles titled, “Really, if you think about it, every team is still alive, here are the unrealistic series of events that prove it” are about to be sprung on us. But really, for that to occur meteors, geographically-specific earthquakes and plane crashes will have to be out in full force in the next few weeks and the meteors would have to be self-aware and it gets a bit complicated after that if you’re willing to buy into my “GIANTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL BY PROCLAMATION” scenario. TO THE GAMES!
KC/Atl-Look for Falcs rb Freeman to get some run early and often vs. the Chiefs 28th ranked run D. That should make it even easier for wr Julio to get free. Sure he had a stinker last week but he almost always bounces back big time. If KC keeps it close they should get the win-they are +27 points-wise in the last 3 minutes of games this year. This stat that I’ve never come across before states that only the Raiders at +39 are ahead of them. Last time I looked wr Maclin was a no-go for this one-adjust accordingly.
Det/NO-I don’t know what to make of Lions wr Marvin Jones. He leads the team in receiving but that is due to a 118 and 208 pull back in weeks two and three. He’s also thrown together games of 10, 5 and 15 yards. Shall I toss him in the dumpster? Done. Both Brees and Stafford are phenomenal in the 4th quarter-the latter has a qb rating of 102 and Brees is even higher at 113.4. May the man whose arm falls off last be the winner.
LA/NE-Stay away from this game. Sir Tom of Brady is going for the all-time W record and has been gifted with a cupcake team, a home field, a rook qb and an opposing coach that is intimately involved with the L. For those among you looking for blow job tips, be sure to check out the post-game report.
Den/Jax-The Jags have lost six straight and are playing out the string. Denver needs this badly so that they can stay directly behind Oakland and KC in the out-of-nowhere, ultra-competitive AFC West. Despite qb Siemian being ruled out the Broncs should grab this one.
Hou/GB-Are you up for an ugly, poorly-executed tilt? This one is for you. The Pack lost their starting inside backers so Clay Matthews and his stringy hair (were conditioners banned along with calorie-reduced foodstuffs in Wiscy?) moved from the outside. They can sorta stop the run but have given up 30 or more points in 4 of their last 5. The qb tasked to stick another 3-spot on Green Bay is bust-y free agent Brock Osweiler. His God-given ability has enabled him to lead the league in interceptions and rank 31st in passer ratings. I just feel sorry for the heretofore fantastic wr DeAndre Hopkins.
Phi/Cin-Philly can’t win on the road and will be without difference-makers wr Matthews and rb Mathews. Not to be outdone, Cincy has countered by having their best play-maker-wr Green-sit this one out as well. For hardcore fans only.
Mia/Bal-Tough test for Miami here since the Ravens have a tendency to win at home in December. How do they do that? Since 2008 they’ve given up a stingy average of 16 points per game. The Fins caught fire after rb Ajayi went nuts but he’s been held below 80 yards in his last three gallops. Is it in qb Tannehill to get it done through the air? Well, he did it last week and has kept his intercepts down so I’m going with, “nuh-uh”.
SF/Chi-1-10 meets 2-9. Wheeeee!
Enjoy Moochnachos! LET ‘ER RIP!
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The most exciting part of today is waiting to see how yahoo scores a hook and ladder play. The initial pass counts as a catch, right? RIGTH?!!
Shan’Khor received her tribute from Houston on the PAT.
I can’t wait for 60 Minutes where Paul Ryan is going to tell all the old people (his base) how he’s going to gut all the things that keep them alive while smiling.
It won’t affect them, only their shitty kids. So they’ll love him for it.
Holy Shit. Atlanta will LOSE because of that twopointception. Wow.
Another way to put it, Atlanta loses on go-ahead TD.
That’s my new favorite.
Playing the role of the Cleveland Browns in this afternoons performance: the Atlanta Falcons.
So… did Kaepernick die or something, considering 5 pass attempts and didn’t get picked 8,000 times?
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Skinny McFiggins has quite the sly look.
Matt Ryan just got pick-two’d. JFC Falcons…
Gaining and losing the lead in the same TD. That’s an amazing new level of failure.
MORE LIKE ATLANTA FAILCONS AM I RIGHT FOLKS
Pollackdown!!!
/off to fly my 48th kamikaze mission.
That… was… I just… come on, Atlanta. COME ON.
DEAR GOD
SONG TIME!!
Pax-ton Lynch is still not good!
I’ve just been informed the “Texans” are in fact, a “thing.” So…
THESE TEXANS I CALL THEM THE 1943 WEHRMACHT CUZ THEY’RE TRYING TO MOUNT AN OFFENSIVE BUT ARE STUCK IN THE SNOW.
And I think John Fox is FINALLY giving up and admitting Jordan Howard is good at the footy. Just in time FOAR fantasy playoffs!!
/fuck that fuckhead in Philly for not letting Smallwood have that garbageDOWN
Can you SMELL that mathematical non-elimination??
/that comes with the loss to the Titans next week
Donks WOO!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother in law just informed me he started Kaepernick over Carr. Let the mocking commence
Have you had him evaluated for a concussion?
Jeeeeezus you officially have carte blance to mock him forever now.
I demand the raiders be in ALL SILVER for Thursday. It would be awesomely terrible.
Fuck John Kuhn.
PFT Commentator just shed a tear.
THESE TEXANS I CALL THEM…wait, who?
The Mick it’s just Sweet Dee without the gang right?
Sweet Dee Gets Cancelled
David Caruso approves.
/fuck I’m old
Its the ultimate Bengals thing that they do a trick play that only gains about three yards.
Why is it only erections lasting more than 4 hours? Are 2 hour erections not an issue?
All erections matter.
Brett Favre feels that shorter erections should not be an issue in any way whatsoever.
SKIP AND SHANNON YELL AT EACH OTHER! WE’RE VERY SURE THAT THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT!
-ESPN
HERE ARE TWO PEOPLE WE KNOW YOU HATE INDIVIDUALLY ONLY NOW THEY ARE ONSCREEN TOGETHER!!!! PLEASE LOVE US AGAIN!!!!!
Folks.
What’s shakin’ this fine afternoon for you people?
Hope our Vegas contingent is still alive, currently.
Last I heard, they’re alive so far
Sitting in the front row at the Mandalay sports book and watching my parlay turn to shit but all present and accounted for.
Later there will be sushi!
O’Brien clearly a graduate of Andy Reid’s Time Management training course. Too bad the subject was Golden Corral.
“You gotta get there early, see, and post up by the prime rib station…”
Salad is for LOSERS! Takes up space! Get your elbows OUT, BOX OUT MEEMAW, THEM TATERS IS MINE!
55 yard fake punt for a TD for the Chiefs.
Andy Reid just ate a coordinator in celebration.
ROBY!!!!
Chi 0-8 vs non-division opponents.
When they’re 2-9, that’s not very impressive.
That ties them with gb in-division. In fact, you can flip it. Detroit is last at .500
I’m gonna go out on a limb and call it now: crossover Bad Santa/Office Christmas Party movie in two years.
With a Kevin McAllister cameo.
/shoots self in the face
Bad Party? BAD PARTY.
/original Bad Santa was GLORIOUS
“Office Christmas Santa.”
Jeff Fischer lost his challenge flag.
It’s probably in his mustache
“Here comes Nugent.”
What is the master of ceremonies introducing the main act at the east shitville state fair, Alex?
PLAY FRED BEAR!!!
double HowardDOWN WO!!!!
Sunday’s a good day for MDMA, I think.
Good shit Bengals, fuck em’ up.
So this whole “Wentzylvania” thing can die now, right?
“Running out of superlatives for Brady.”
Can we try laxatives?
Well done, NFL! The only 1 PM game in my market is the Eagles/Bengals shit fest, and my 4 PM slate is Bills/Raiders or Giants/Steelers. What the fuck….
Holy shit. No regrets at all that fucker was awesome! It was a breakfast sandwich with 2 sausage patties, 2 eggs and cheddar cheese wrapped with a waffle.
I destroyed that motherfucker in about 90 seconds. Got some coffee and water.
Time to find the rest of the DFO Vegas crew.
Hell yes. Revitalized.
Go get ’em, champ!
Kaep is 1 of 2 throwing!
“Wake me when he’s 3/5.”
Chip
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