Your “Week 13-The Luckiest Week Of Them All” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Here’s where we begin to see teams get separated from their playoff aspirations. Yes, the annual bevy of articles titled, “Really, if you think about it, every team is still alive, here are the unrealistic series of events that prove it” are about to be sprung on us. But really, for that to occur meteors, geographically-specific earthquakes and plane crashes will have to be out in full force in the next few weeks and the meteors would have to be self-aware and it gets a bit complicated after that if you’re willing to buy into my “GIANTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL BY PROCLAMATION” scenario. TO THE GAMES!

KC/Atl-Look for Falcs rb Freeman to get some run early and often vs. the Chiefs 28th ranked run D. That should make it even easier for wr Julio to get free. Sure he had a stinker last week but he almost always bounces back big time. If KC keeps it close they should get the win-they are +27 points-wise in the last 3 minutes of games this year. This stat that I’ve never come across before states that only the Raiders at +39 are ahead of them. Last time I looked wr Maclin was a no-go for this one-adjust accordingly.

Det/NO-I don’t know what to make of Lions wr Marvin Jones. He leads the team in receiving but that is due to a 118 and 208 pull back in weeks two and three. He’s also thrown together games of 10, 5 and 15 yards. Shall I toss him in the dumpster? Done. Both Brees and Stafford are phenomenal in the 4th quarter-the latter has a qb rating of 102 and Brees is even higher at 113.4. May the man whose arm falls off last be the winner.

LA/NE-Stay away from this game. Sir Tom of Brady is going for the all-time W record and has been gifted with a cupcake team, a home field, a rook qb and an opposing coach that is intimately involved with the L. For those among you looking for blow job tips, be sure to check out the post-game report.

Den/Jax-The Jags have lost six straight and are playing out the string. Denver needs this badly so that they can stay directly behind Oakland and KC in the out-of-nowhere, ultra-competitive AFC West. Despite qb Siemian being ruled out the Broncs should grab this one.

Hou/GB-Are you up for an ugly, poorly-executed tilt? This one is for you. The Pack lost their starting inside backers so Clay Matthews and his stringy hair (were conditioners banned along with calorie-reduced foodstuffs in Wiscy?) moved from the outside. They can sorta stop the run but have given up 30 or more points in 4 of their last 5. The qb tasked to stick another 3-spot on Green Bay is bust-y free agent Brock Osweiler. His God-given ability has enabled him to lead the league in interceptions and rank 31st in passer ratings. I just feel sorry for the heretofore fantastic wr DeAndre Hopkins.

Phi/Cin-Philly can’t win on the road and will be without difference-makers wr Matthews and rb Mathews. Not to be outdone, Cincy has countered by having their best play-maker-wr Green-sit this one out as well. For hardcore fans only.

Mia/Bal-Tough test for Miami here since the Ravens have a tendency to win at home in December. How do they do that? Since 2008 they’ve given up a stingy average of 16 points per game. The Fins caught fire after rb Ajayi went nuts but he’s been held below 80 yards in his last three gallops. Is it in qb Tannehill to get it done through the air? Well, he did it last week and has kept his intercepts down so I’m going with, “nuh-uh”.

SF/Chi-1-10 meets 2-9. Wheeeee!

Enjoy Moochnachos! LET ‘ER RIP!

 

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Brocky

Oh crap its snowing.

oh crap I never finished raking

….oh crap I was supposed to get up early yesterday to finish raking…

now i’m pondering raking while there’s still little snow on the ground.

I worry too much…

Unsurprised

There’s nothing to rake if it’s covered in snow.

Meanwhile, it doesn’t snow here but no one sweeps off the leaves on the sidewalk in front of their houses or stores (which is their legal responsibility) and that shit gets ground down into slippery mush that I’m shocked more people don’t slip and fall on like I nearly have a few times.

What I’m saying is that I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Brocky

I didn’t elaborate, but there wasn’t that much left: just the leaves I had gathered needed to be transferred to the compost pile (which I doubt is a true compost pile if i Just throw grass, weeds, and leaves on it)

quarter inch of snow didn’t impede my progress at all. just raked the yard, snow just came with it.

laserguru

Santa Claus is coming..
To America!

Spur

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laserguru

I’m not tragically hungover just painfully hungover.

There’s a difference.

And eggs benedict is the cure.

Unsurprised

I haven’t lost any fucking weight in the last six weeks. I hate myself.

Spur

MORE SNOW

Spur

Keap grow that fro to keep his head warm for this game.

Old School Zero

Whoa, longest pass by Alex Smith in years!

Unsurprised

3 yards?

Old School Zero

ALMOST

WCS

Ryan Tannehill definitely voted for Drumpf, right? I’m pretty sure his twitter profile has “DEPLORABLE” somewhere in it.

King Hippo

Pheel: “Looks like Aaron Rodgers pulled out just a little too quick”

JustStopDude

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laserguru

OK OK I’m getting up.
And this kids is why you make your NFL sports book bets on Saturday night.
I’ll meet you guys at Mandalay I promise!
Need plenty of coffee and water first.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

MOAR SNOW, Red Zone assholes

Col. Duke LaCross

The incredible lack of talent on the field notwithstanding, this Bears v. Niners game looks glorious.

WCS

If any game in NFL history deserves to finish in a 4-4 tie, it’s this one.

Spur

Snow football = best football.

King Hippo

CHUH CHUH

JustStopDude

Yeah…I get fucking two indoor games…KC at ATL and DET at NO….

I fucking care nothing for any of these teams….

Don T

Red Zone Channel on DVR. There goes my last “Leave me alone” homefield capital.

JustStopDude
WCS
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Best thing on the internet right now.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“…other than DFO.”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Oh, of course. DFO is the best site on the Interwebz.

ThePirateSloth

Goooooooooooood morning DFOOOOOOOOOO!

Spur

“With Jim Nantz and Phil Simms”
Oh. Joy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Hmmm. Gummi venus

Spur

No. 1 Alabama vs No. 4 Washington, and No. 2 Clemson vs No. 3 Ohio State.

Per Deadspin comment “Maybe it will be good for Penn State to get a sense of how it feels to have its case ignored.”

Spur

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I never got into fantasy sports because after a while, I just don’t give a shit even if there’s money involved.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I have the same attitude towards Craigslist.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And sex.

WCS

1. Bama
2. Dabo Dabo! DABO!
3. Ohio wedidntwinourdivisionourconferencetitlebutstillmadeitforsomereason State
4. U-DUB

5. Pedo State
6. Meetchicken

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur

Michigan vs. USC Rose Bowl

Curse of Marino

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“No one cared who I was until I put on the mask”

Spur

What the fucking fuck is wrong with Green?
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Curse of Marino

He doesnt know where the balls are?

Spur

Go Bengals!

Sharkbait

Good afternoon/morning.

I’ve got chowder working on the stove and I’m working on beer #1.

*Looks at new ‘like this” button*

When did Kirk Cousins become an admin? Hi Kirk!

Redshirt

Aw. That means the site’s gonna crash during big games!

herodotus450

Do you think Bill Belichick personally controls the flow of contraceptives in the Patriots organization so that none of his players miss a game due to children being born? Oh wait, that’s a dumb question. I should ask, “HOW do you think Bill Belichick personally controls the flow of contraceptives in the Patriots organization so that none of his players miss a game due to children being born?”

JustStopDude

I’m calling it….THIS is the WEEK the Browns do not lose!

Redshirt

I dunno. They’re three point underdogs against Bye Week.

Redshirt

College Football Playoff Selection Show starts:

“The committee is still working and we don’t have any results yet.”

You got one job College Football Playoff Selection Committee! ONE JOB

Redshirt

Speaking of delusional news:

JV Cincinnati coach Tuberville after going 4-8, turning a 2nd-3rd round QB prospect into a CFL Import Free Agent, costing the school a shot at the Big 12, and setting the school back 30 years:

– This is the best the programs ever been.
– The past coaches (Mark Dantonio, Brian Kelly, Butch Jones) were okay, but not good. (Despite making two BCS Bowls and getting Top 15 finishes.
– This isn’t his fault. (Despite these being his recruits since he’s been there four years).

Spur

Getting to join the Big12 isn’t such a big deal as it once was.

Unsurprised

When I visited Alabama the Bama fans called him Wingnut. That is all.

Redshirt

Regarding the Penn State fans who booed the Big 10 Commissioner when he insisted that, by resume, Alabama and one-loss Ohio State deserve a shot at the Playoff:

“You know this guy probably had a big part in keeping your school in the Big 10 after Sandusky. right? You should be kissing his ass!”

Unsurprised

You mean in the NCAA?

Curse of Marino

Davante Parker got a shot of toradol(just guessing) and will play today

Gratliff

Gonna be great when Philly runs the table and misses the playoffs at 10-6 for the second time in 3 years

Redshirt

So the Bengals insist they are not going to tank the season and plan on being in the playoffs in January. In other irrational, delusional news, in January, I plan to be nailing Scarlett Johansson.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Check-in from Vegas: I just woke up and am still drunk. Must navigate to food and Mandalay’s sports book before 10.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l99e1xWXMa1qdoghio1_400.gif

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m apparently playing Sill in Insanity this week. Sill, you’re currently starting Gronk (on IR) and the Steelers’ kicker (may be out with an ab injury). In case you’re lurking, may want to hit that waiver wire.

Curse of Marino

I just want to say that while I think the football players deserve their moment in the sun. Every single Penn State fan needs to go fuck themselves. They do not deserve happiness. Fuck every one of those pieces of shit with a drill, until the Sun becomes a Supernova and swallows the earth.

Unsurprised

Nope. Fuck the players. No one should want to play for that program, and if you do I hope you are crippled for life.

Unsurprised

Also, the sun won’t go supernova. Just regular nova. In 5 billion yeaes it becomes a red giant and swallows Earth.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As a Bears fan, I am also going through the motions today. Unlike Jay Cutler’s throwing arm.

entropy

I haven’t been to sleep yet, and I think it’s starting to show in my interactions with people.

Also: love the new banner quote.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

You guys, I can’t tell you how happy the Jeff Fisher extension makes me. I have that warm, comfy purple-drank feeling.

WCS

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I LIKE THAT!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does this mean Eric Dickerson will not be returning to Rams’ home games next season?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

He has photos of Kroneke having “relations” with farm animals. This is the only possible reason.

Fronkenshteen

Garçon @ AZ, M. Wilson vs SF, Smiff Sr. @ Mia, or Dixon @ Mia. Pick one.

/ I know no one cares

Unsurprised

Sniff

Shogun Marcus

On the plus side for gb/hou is snow! That’s all I got.

Unsurprised

Brock Lobsters like the cold, right? It’s what they grow up in dee beneath the North Atlantic?

Unsurprised

Motherfucker.

ArmedandHammered

I want a job where I can be that mediocre and get payed that much, other than a govt. job of course as I do have a modicum of self respect.

ballsofsteelandfury

THIS LA/NE GAME, I CALL IT GAY PORN BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NON-STOP DICK-SUCKING AND I WON’T BE WATCHING IT.

Unsurprised

That’s awesome

Unsurprised

Though unlike NE/LA there’s nothing fundamentally evil about gay porn.

Senor Weaselo

And like gay porn there will be attempts to RAM IT, ppl forget that.
/Except only attempts, let’s be real here

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