Let’s face it, or me. Let’s say me. The drunkin-er I get the better the football is. Right now I’m not sure the football can get any better. TO THE GAME!
Cin/Hou-It was only a matter of time before a guy by the name of SAVAGE! unseated a dude by the name of Osweiler. Who would you want leading you into battle-a hard-ass dude that would eviscerate your sorry butt in a heartbeat or a guy that tends to stick his head in the sand at the slightest bit of pressure? I’m going with Doc. That said, uber-receiver A.J. Green is back on the field and the Dalton-aters might be hell-bent for pleather. Let’s see how things turn out, shall we?
You bastards are the best. GO GET ‘EM, COMMENTERS!
Most Jews feel out of place on Christmas, but I must admit I felt the same on Yom Kippur.
Then again, I probably shouldn’t run into a synagogue ass naked on LSD.
Geez, I so wish I was gay.
Buddy is like the best thing ever.
Flying through the air
Falling short into the turf
Incomplete again
Someone at my work put a Mensch on a Bench up at work.
I thought, “Thank God he’s not on a bicycle”
That at least goes along well with the official mascot for Israelis with various colorectal illnesses, the “Hebrew on the Loo”.
Hehehehe….nicely played.
Some people want to put Christ back in Christmas.
Aaron Rodgers wants Chris back in his ass.
Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas Eve folks. After a long day of wrapping presents, family visits, and some real nice flank steak, it’s finally, finally time to watch some football. Or, whatever they’re trying to market this Bengals-Texans debauchery as football. We all know both these teams aren’t real anyways.
It’s like a nog not made out of eggs.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mco9dlBOPk1qh59n0o10_r1_250.png
Do you like poor offense? Cause if so, you’re in for a TREAT
Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmastime?” has aged well.
Thing Christmas-y that have not aged well? My uncle Ted getting liquored up and talking about “those Jew beanies”.
“Andy in a sack” is worse than “Jack in the box,” worse even than “Charlie in the box”
But not worse than a Skinner Box.
And almost as bad as Lena Dunham’s box.
I liked an indie she made a long while back so I’ve tried so hard to give her a chance, but jesus christ is she fucking insufferable.
But not nearly as dangerous as a “Charlie Sheen in the box.”
I just found out today Kwanzaa is Swahili for “make white people really uncomfortable”
Ok fuckers, I have some presents to wrap and then I’m going to bed to make sure Santa shows up.
Have a Merry Christmas each and every one of you, unless you’re of the Jewish faith in which case have a Happy Chakne …Hankia…Haknuka…Whatever the fuck holiday thing you people get up to this time of year.
You too man.
We need another tie and it would be just tickle me silly to see the Bengals tie two games in a single season.
THIS GUY CHIP KELLY I CALL HIM VAN HALEN BECAUSE HE HATES ANYTHING BROWN IN HIS DRESSING ROOM
This ad campaign ensures that I will NEVER buy a goddamned Mazda
What do you get when you cross Andy Dalton and Tom Savage? I don’t know, but hide the mayonnaise!
Gingerbread cookie porn?
Hide the mayonnaise is also a favourite game of Aaron Rodgers!
To call this game “The Savaging” would be to imply that this game is significantly more exciting than it is
the Bungles got all self-aware at the half, eh?
“What’s my biggest weakness? Well, I don’t mean to sound coarse, but I really am none too fond of the Jews and ragheads.”
“Uhhhhh, Mrs. Grimes, I just wanted an autograph from your husband.”
“Hope you don’t have a Pentel, those Japs are sneaky bastards!”
“I’ll just ask Tannehill instead and stare at his wife’s tits…”
It seems that my drunkness has convinced my parents to watch The Nice Guys instead of some Xmas movie.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8do7xrJIG1qf8btso1_400.gif
https://youtu.be/Diu2qMYYL3c
http://2static.fjcdn.com/pictures/The+boltman+cometh_2c2b52_5865162.jpg
Oh that’s LingOL material.
Hi, if you bring up your fantasy football team in casual Christmas conversation, I hope you get a job with the Cleveland Browns.
I’ve just discovered that lingonberries are awesome.
I’m not saying you should always be sold on brand names, but Charmin is worth the extra couple bucks, man.
I had a great kale and chilies salad last night, so I would just be sticking with the holiday theme
They are! Gotta love those crazy Scandinavians with their crazy berries!
Tom Savage is a poor man’s Glenn Foley, and a really poor man’s Tim Rattay.
Boyd: “Why don’t we throw it farther than 10 yards?”
Dalton: “We can do that?”
Other 10 Bengals in Huddle: “YES!”
David Carr’s injury reminded me of the birth and savior of our Lord Jesus Christ looking so vulnerable and afraid.
Then I remembered a crucial difference: a makeshift manger in a barn is infinitely nicer than Oakland’s stadium.
Far less fecal matter, for sure.
And you could actually find three wise men in the manger
There it is
DUNSTANNNNNNNNNNNNN!
♪ All prone on the field turf
No hope for the team
The lit’l Derek Carr
In severe pain.
All dreams of the playoffs
Have gone away.
Now nothing with stop
the Patriot’s Way. ♪
There’s certainly less shit in a manger full of animals.
Cleveland hasn’t been this excited in December since they declined to indict in the Tamir Rice case.
Why the fuck is tomorrow’s game–on a Sunday, the day the NFL usually plays–called Thursday Night Football on Christmas?
Saturday is Sunday, Sunday is Thursday, and Monday is still Monday, but it’s a holiday! Madness!
Calendars? Fuck ’em.
“How dare you attack my favorite game clock management tool!”
-Andy Reid, eating a huge burrito
You can just say Andy Reid. The rest is assumed.
I had to convince a guy at the bar last Saturday that the game was actually on live and not a repeat from Thursday. The fact that he argued in the first place made me realize what a serious, knowledgeable fan he must be.
That calls for some serious Uncle Joey making bets with Uncle Jesse, not knowing they were watching a recording of the game, style wagering.
so are they actually gonna break that punting record?
Rex Ryan calls timeouts like I make love, ignorant until the end and can’t stop until it’s snapped.
DOK! You should do this. Not attend, but actually run one of these seminars.
http://deadspin.com/behold-a-chance-for-me-to-learn-how-to-use-sports-to-t-1790467904
I can’t, Deadspin is on my no-go list.
Reactionary trash.
It is, but like many bad habits I’ve had a lot of trouble quitting it.
Burke’s stuff with highlights is worthwhile, but the cunty editorializing is news makes it unpalatable.
I do have Drew’s stuff sent to my RSS though.
Yeah, that entire brood of writers (across all of the former Gawker sites) have always confused nasty snarkiness with sophisticated insight. They’re badly trying to look like they get it and refuse to admit you’ve figured out all the times they don’t.
“Boogie Cousins is awesome and there is no way he’s just a surly asshole who alienates people”
I actually enjoy how much the commenters truly hate Deadspin’s main soccer writer.
Billy Haisley got skewered every single thing he wrote.
That’s his name! Honestly, aside from maybe four people, I consider every writer at that collection of sites to be basically the same.
Repeat after me : “What kind of assdick throws off his back leg like that?! I don’t care if his protection crumbled like a Victorian condom, that’s just asking to be picked off! “
Repeat after me : “Hey dickface! Did you play tight end in college? Cause if you did you must’ve reaallly let yourself go”
Repeat after me: “Door Flies Open is beautiful, and Buddy Cole is in fact a faux gay man”
We spent 20 minutes looking for a vcr to watch an old home movie my gf wanted to see. I’m way too sober for this shit.
“Who taped over [BFC’s wife’s] birth with a blurry episode of American Gladiators?”
“Dad that’s the Spice Channel.”
http://www.pittsburghpanthers.com/blog/Tom%20Savage%20Graphic.jpg
Fun fact: the old Spanish guy that dives into the pool in that Apple commercial plays the same song when he goes down on his 20-something girlfriend.
hahahahah thats a good one.
Yeah, but when he does that, it’s particular weird that a ten-year-old girl is holding his sunglasses
Less exciting cunt-rhyming sports event: punt or bunt?
Hunt?
THIS. Unless there’s PCP involved.
shunt
Robin Yount?
wheres the picture of Carr laying on the ground with sad Simba (Lion King) pushing at him to get up…..
We all know these events are building to the worst Super Bowl ever.
http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/1790475206
points for you.
Most Punts, Game
16 Leo Araguz, Oakland vs. San Diego, Oct. 11, 1998
15 John Teltschik, Philadelphia vs. N.Y. Giants, Dec. 6, 1987 (OT)
14 Dick Nesbitt, Chi. Cardinals vs. Chi. Bears, Nov. 30, 1933
Keith Molesworth, Chi. Bears vs. Green Bay, Dec. 10, 1933
Sammy Baugh, Washington vs. Philadelphia, Nov. 5, 1939
Carl Kinscherf, N.Y. Giants vs. Detroit, Nov. 7, 1943
George Taliaferro, N.Y. Yanks vs. Los Angeles, Sept. 28, 1951
You’re going down tonight, Araguz!
It’s not a shitty game, it’s a “tense showcase of concentrated punting”
What if both teams’ punters break the record? That would be kinda awesome.
Well of course the Yanks are on the list.
They’re a goddamn baseball team. Shit that’s not even fair.
NO WONDER they tried so hard to turn Elway’s head/mane
Is it too soon to dub the Tom Savage era “The Blunder Years” ?
I really cannot hear the name Tom Savage without thinking of porn.
That’s probably a lot of names tho
http://68.media.tumblr.com/af0846bfe52cfea80b7af6c50a9cf355/tumblr_ng0v3mj90F1tdhimpo2_1280.gif
live look in on Vikings….http://cloudfront.sportsgrid.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/vikings-fan-reactions.png
http://www.wendingourway.com/images/celebs/savage.jpg
No matter what else he does, he will always sound like Daniel Stern in my head, and there will always be Joe Cocker playing in the background.
http://sports-pets.com/wp-content/uploads/store/products/thumbnails/3823100945490475.jpg
Carr is hurt. oh no too bad Raiders.
Yeah, I cringed for Rikki and Don T today, but especially for Rikki. So much for the playoffs.
::Pokes head in without knocking. Guests are engaged with each other and loud music fills the clubhouse. No one notices blax’s head popping through the the doorway.::
Hey guys! Catch Arizona beating Seattle, at home, and ending Lockett’s year? Quotables might be all CHOX reaction gifs next week! Carroll looks like the fuckin’ McDonald’s Moon Man. Seattle’s fans haven’t seen such an embarrassing performance in the entire five years of the team’s existence. I’d hope Michael Floyd is having a drink in celebration of his former teammates win but I don’t think we need anymore vehicles driving into crowds this holiday season. Also, I’m sure Floyd got drunk on butt-chugging considering any drink you’d try to pass him would be dropped. Alright, yeah, egg nog? No thanks, brought my own [holds up flask]. Well, good to see you all. If any chicks want to make out, I’ll be lying facedown in the parking lot. Happy XMas!”
::Reaches over for a handful of nuts on the coffee table and slips out the door.::
There was a great fan reaction shot in the RAMIT-Niner game. Hope you can find that. It was the eye-roll to end all eye-rolls.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/8d709d140043cf0da3a12433be728c5f/tumblr_ohocbzwIEP1rtynt1o1_1280.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c4_b5PHWg8
http://s9.postimg.org/i93ttzvpb/ezgif_2360809258.gif
What is the origin of the SN ‘Brocky’?
I am REALLY pulling for Cincy so we have the chance of a CasselVANIA playoff experience.
It wouldn’t be Christmas without…
http://www.giftideas123.com/img/products/large/Pick-Four-Moose-Munch-Gourmet-Popcorn-Canisters.jpg
Moose Munch!
That’s what Moose’s Ladyfriends say!
http://68.media.tumblr.com/cd18b771a5449aa1d26eac1916669f05/tumblr_ogj8jcFePN1spwv2fo3_1280.png
THERE CAN BE ONLY 1!!
My mother has hijacked the tv to watch the Michelle Obama thing. Based on this game….I’m pretty okay with that.
This fucking country deserves NO MICHELLE OBAMA SPECIAL
Yes, we’ll all feel the pain of not getting to watch Oprah. That’s teach us good.
Oprah deserves far, far more hate than she gets.
It would be great…. if Oprah would leave and take that fucking “Dr.” Oz with her.
I coulda sworn she left quite awhile ago, but she keeps showing up on my tv anyways. Well, not mine but other peoples apparently.
I mean, more accurately, we don’t deserve ANY of Michelle Obama’s time nor attention. She should look right into the camera, give us all the finger, and go home.
/also this is maybe why I am spending Shitsmas deliberately alone ,, smgdh
//REALLY not fit FOAR human society. Better for me AND OTHERS this way!
It would be great if she just said, “Y’all made your bed, you go fucking lie in it.”
Semi-related: I read an article on Vox that featured people from rural Kentucky relying on Obamacare. Of course, most of them voted for Trump and of course they’re shocked that a major plank of the G.O.P. (repealing Obamacare) would actually be enacted.
So… they can have fun with that.
I thought they also blamed Obama for repealing it. They did when the GOP Governor they elected repealed KYNECT (the Commonwealth exchange, which was a model of effectiveness).
Did you end up going to the Redacteds v. Retardeds game?
I’m not back in Chicago yet. I did go to the Monday night CAR/WAS game and got to see a guy in the stands try to punch a security guard!
That sounds about right. Didn’t realize you were gone. I thought you meant your parents were visiting you.
I really think only the defenses will score tonight.
Jethro Fucking Tull….dammit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0frSN92mTGo
Santa, the Easter bunny and the Houston Texans are at the ends of a three way intersection with $1000 in the middle. Who gets the money?
No one because they’re all figments of your fucking imagination!
http://68.media.tumblr.com/a7d1fdefc4cfc59a77e3d27f9d05f598/tumblr_oilbxom8IF1s2wio8o1_540.gif
The Bengals will Bungle their way to a win tonight. Book it.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/3ae12471f5026a6d509c94292b5a303e/tumblr_n1qi55qEzm1qa70eyo9_250.gif
first team to 3 wins!
“Remember those terrible wild card games between these two? Merry Christmas, fuckers!”
STILL BEATS talking to one’s family.
The Bengals are back to bungling and that’s good for us all.