Holy crap, NFL Network’s decision to turn a mild Christmas Sunday afternoon into Thursday Night magically transformed its usual fetid product, on a scale not unlike the virgin birth. After a lackluster first half that saw the Ratbirds dominate the balance of play (after Yinzburgh’s opening drive) but trail 7-6, both sides found their footing and started to trade furious blows, in a manner that reminded one of why we enjoy watching professional footy contests. You know, apart from mocking them like a bunch of wiseasses. Baby Puncher and Le’Veon did their beastly bestest things. Balmer seemed to have the game in hand when it milked almost all of the last 7 and change on a long scoring drive, but the gritDOWN 10-yard run came maybe a bit too quickly (as we all noted in the comments at the time). The Ben had 1:20 and 2 timeouts left.

The Ben, with the help of his no-name, middle-name, and finally big-name receivers, created magic. In particular, Eli Rogers made a remarkable 20+ yard catch that got the Stillers rightly thinking 6 instead of 3. The Ratbirds managed to force Roethlisberger away from his primary, even his secondary reads, but he bought time, moved effectively within the pocket, and made the correct reads. A third down conversion to the TE set up 2nd and goal (after the spike) from the 4. Then, in a display of balls unlike any you are likely to see again anytime soon, The Ben hit Antonio Brown on a slant. Inside the 1. And the Ravens were ALL. OVER. HIM. As if it were a human chess match, that they had just won. But no, despite Brown’s small stature, The Ben knew the heart of the man he threw the ball to. The cliche – let your your playmaker make a play. Maximally played out, Brown fought to get his balance between tacklers and his arm free, and extended the ball across the plane.

Your final – Pittsburgh 31, Baltimore 27. Winner is the AFC North champ and the 3 seed (and now the only team with any real shot at the P*ts in the AFC), the non-winner (I refuse to call them a loser today, don’t give me any participation trophy nonsense – they just didn’t fucking win) is out of the tournament, no matter what. High stakes poker indeed.

So…Christmas night in KC had a tough act to follow. Denver got the Ravens loss it needed, but still must win out AND get a KC win Week 17 (that they don’t need) and a P*ts win (that they might actively throw just to fuck Denver over, can’t imagine they would like to possibly face the Donks in their opener)…so…

NEVER FUCKING MIND. The Donks didn’t bother showing up. Hopefully they have the decency to repeat the favour next weekend and let Oakland have the division (and get a better draft pick).

Watford and Crystal Palace kick off your Lesser Footy morning (7:30, NBCSN). Traditionally, Boxing Day is for footy in England, to give the blokes sommet to do whilst their birds are out returning gifts and procuring replacements. This match is disgraced former national team manager “Fat Sam” Allardyce’s first in charge of Palace in place of the fired Alan Pardew. Tis just a cunt fer a cunt if ya ask me.

Most of the games are in the 10am window, though they aren’t particularly good. Manure host lowly Sunderland on NBCSN, while Chelsea host the Cherries of Bournemouth on CNBC. I would recommend 9th position Everton travelling to King Power Stadium to take on Foxy Footy on Extra Time. Two teams that certainly had better hopes and dreams than just finishing in the top half. But that might now be the best case scenario, or a 7th place with a Europa place. Anyway, the Toffees need a boost after a dire Derby home loss, and Jamie Vardy is suspended for a red card last match.

Your Boxing Day fun ends with Hull hosting Man City (12:15, NBCSN). Just watch the exhibitions on ESPN, for fuck’s sake.

St. Petersburg Bowl – Miami (OH) vs. Mississippi State (11:00, ESPN)

Get your borscht going early, folks. Wonder if the kiss cam will catch Vladdy and the American Fuhrer using tongue in the luxury boxes? Anyway, the Cowbells are your first “lucky” 5-7 side, but they still should be a whole lot better than a .500 crew from the MAC. One would THINK.

Abandoned Crack House Bowl – Maryland vs. Boston College (2:30, ESPN)

The team that used to be in the ACC and doesn’t really belong in the B1G and the team that used to be in the Big East and doesn’t belong in the ACC. Neither is any good. But what else you gonna watch??

Independence Bowl – Vanderbilt vs. NC State (5:00, ESPN2)

Win one FOAR TEH GIRAFFE!!! In James Franklin’s last game as Vandy head coach before heading to Paedo State (aka “Team Bad Touch”), his Commodores absolutely beat poor Mike Glennon bloody. Because he is REALLY GOOD (as much as he is goofy looking), he kept the Pack in the game until the last 10 minutes. But being physically dominated like that by fucking Vanderbilt gets you fired. If Dave Doeren repeats his predecessor’s feat, well…tick tock dickmonkey.