Everyone on the Internet is wrong: A Balls Wild Card Preview

As you already know,  we have four games this weekend. That much there is no argument about.  As to who will win,  that’s where we get into a bit of a gray area.  How gray?

Despair not,  dear friends, as I’m here to dispel Wild Card myths.  I’m also here to talk about a show that the entire American Internet hates.  Of course,  they’re wrong.

But let’s start at the beginning.

The first game on Saturday features the Oakland RAAIIIIDEERRRRRSS against a team that doesn’t exist.

Myth#1: The Carr-less Raiders don’t have a chance

Now, everyone is writing off Oakland because Derek Carr is out. Plus, the home team always,  supposedly,  has the advantage. In fact,  the Texans (?) are favored by almost exactly that home field advantage of 3 points. (The actual line as of this writing is 3.5)

Well friends,  I’m not just saying this because RTD is my friend and it would make him happy: the Raiders have a legitimate shot to win this game! Think about it.  What does any team need in order to keep games close? A running game.  Oakland still has that! If the game is close,  what takes a team over the top? A coach with balls! Oakland still has that!

I say the Raiders cover the spread and may even have a chance at the end to win it.  It all depends on whether the defence steps up (which they will. They’re not exactly facing an offensive juggernaut here) and whether Jano is drunk enough to make his field goals.

Jager shots for everybody!!

 

The second game features the Detroit Fuck Lions traveling to Seattle to take on the Seahawks.

Myth#2: The Lions have a chance

Now,  the Internet says that Seattle have not been playing well this year and that the Lions can spring the upset. The line is current at 8 points.

Do not listen to the radio shows pitching this as their Upset Special of the Weekend.  That’s horseshit. The Lions had a road playoff game against the Packers to win the division and got their asses kicked.  They will do so again in Seattle.

Get the fuck out my face, Bronze Tate!

On Sunday,  we start off with the Steelers hosting the Dolphins.

Myth#3: The Steelers will roll over the Dolphins

The line is 10 points for fucks sake! ¡10! ¡DIEZ! This Dolphins team embarrassed the Steelers earlier this year and their running back made the defense look like traffic cones. The overwhelming thinking on the Internet is that both teams are different and this will be a completely different game.

I agree that it will be different,  but not that the Steelers will destroy the Dolphins.  The Dolphins will keep it uncomfortably close thanks to that aforementioned running game.  As a homer,  I’m obliged to say that the Steelers will win,  but not by 10. I think a nice safe bet is to tease the Steelers and Seahawks down.

See you in the bathroom

 

The last game features the New York Football Giants (official pretentious writer name) visiting the Green Bay Packers.

Myth#4: The Packers will roll over the Giants

I really don’t understand this one.  The line is 10 points for the Packers.  ¿Seriously? ¿Are we motherfucking serious right now? I know we all like to make fun of Eli,  but he is a good QB with 2 Super Bowl rings.  Aaron Rodgers doesn’t have that. Eli also has a damn good defence that can cause turnovers and keep games close.  A perfect example was last week’s win over Washington.  The Giants had nothing to play for and still won.

Now,  maybe Aaron pulls off some late game tricks to win the game,  but it’s not a ten point victory. That’s just

If you want to make it a three-team teaser,  take Steelers -4, Seahawks -2, and Giants +16.

Now,  let’s talk about something that’s been bugging me for a while.

Myth#5: Pacific Heat is like Archer.  And it sucks. 

Let me start off by saying that I’ve watched the entire first season.  TWICE.  And I’m probably going to re-watch soon.

As someone that has seen and enjoyed the show,  let me first of all say

¡THIS IS NOT ARCHER.  I MET ARCHER.  WORKED WITH HIM. PLAYED TENNIS WITH HIM. YOU SIR,  ARE NO ARCHER!

Anyone get that vague political reference? Anyhoo,  the primary mistake that reviewers are making, and I dare you to do a Google search and find ONE review that doesn’t do this,  is that they compare the show to Archer. The only thing similar to Archer is the animation style.  That’s it.  And it’s really not that similar.

Upon repeat viewings,  I realized that this show is really more like Police Squad.  The show that gave us Frank Drebin and, in the movies, O.J. Simpson in a likable role as a bumbling idiot.

Tell me that isn’t funny.  Sure, not every single joke is laugh out loud funny,  but the entire thing is. Now watch this preview of Pacific Heat:

Do you see the parallels? Both series feature rapid fire jokes that may be missed the first time.  For Pacific Heat,  it doesn’t help that the Aussie accents are difficult to understand sometimes.  The Veronica character, in particular,  is difficult to get.

Both shows are parodies of genres.  Police Squad took on the police dramas/procedurals of the 70s and 80s while Pacific Heat is taking on the spy/action film and police show genres of today.

Both are inherently silly and quite frankly stupid sometimes.  It’s silly humor,  but it’s funny. Mindless funny is good too.

Can you believe that Police Squad only aired 6 episodes and was cancelled? It was not appreciated in its time.  I actually remember watching it on TV and not getting half the jokes.  Upon repeated viewings,  however,  things started to make sense and I saw what the creators were doing.

The good thing is that Netflix is tailor-made for repeated viewings.  So it is that I’ve gotten to understand and appreciate what Pacific Heat brings to the table.

Everyone on the Internet is hating on this series because of what it is not.  Instead,  they should be looking at what it is: a throwback to an earlier time and a type of show that’s essentially disappeared from the airwaves.

Not all the jokes are going to land,  but overall it’s pretty funny and there is some good satire and parody there.

I don’t expect to convince all of you to like it.  After all,  there are a lot of people that didn’t like Police Squad.

One more note: A lot of reviewers are saying the show is sexist and racist.

It is.  Like all good satire and parody is. Are you going to call this racist too?

Besides,  Pacific Heat shits on New Zealanders way worse than Asians.

Give it a shot and then call me an a-hole and tell me I’m wrong.

Or you can tell me in the comments.

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rapey McRaperson.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am actually happy the Bears didn’t draft one of the 9 QB’s they were linked to being interested in last year. Every one of them ended up terrible. I am hoping they do the same next year. Sure Cutler is a terrible person but he holds the team records for QBR, yards, completions and TD’s. Do Bears fans not remember the 24 QB’s we went through that were awful in a 10 year span?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

The good part about having Cutler is that he isn’t so obviously shitty that the Bears are tempted to reach in the draft for a replacement.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No, they do not

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

And when it happens again, they’ll bitch and moan and never really realize Cutler was better than the lot of them.

King Hippo

when watching Connor Cook, remember that when the Raiders picked him, it trumped Jerral and forced him to select that DAK! fella.

/also, DAL had a trade package out for the pick where DEN took QuarterPax (they were also gonna take Lynch) but SEA (or Indy, I forget who traded down) chose DEN’s offer instead. It has since been revealed that DAK! was #2 on the Donks’ overall QB list, which makes me want to kill myself way more than the usual amount.

blaxabbath

DAK is good. DAK behind the DEN offensive line, rather than Dallas’, is probably less good.

King Hippo

yes, there is definitely an allowance that need be made for that. Still, I think with a neutral OL, DAK! >>> QuarterPax. His brain just moves faster, even if it usually doesn’t have to in DAL. It did when he was in Starkville.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The reverse of that is that Trevor would be very good with Dallas’ line and running game; this is a FACT since it is a hypothetical and I can’t prove it.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m sad the Donks didn’t get Dak for many reasons, one of which is the fact I can’t walk around uttering “DAK DONK!” over and over until I’m ushered into a padded room.

jjfozz

THIS WILDCARD WEEKEND, I CALL IT WATCHING HBO’S REAL SEX, BECAUSE THERE’S A LOT GOING ON, BUT IT DOESN’T PAY OFF AND YOU’RE COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTED.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If they wanted it to pay off they’d have called it pornography or Fantasy Sex.

blaxabbath

Why RAIDERS will win.

blaxabbath

Damn it.

Well, it’s Khalil Mack. He is awesome.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I will fully admit that I gave a serious chuckle to Ludacris, I don’t know why I found it so damned funny, but I did.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I made the mistake of reading this post in the bathroom.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“As to who will win, that’s where we get into a bit of a gray area. How gray?”

Can’t we have one football discussion without bringing up Favre’s dick pic?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

My playoff predictions are always based in the teams I’d like to win. That’s why I’m picking the Packers, Steelers, and Seahawks–because I don’t like any of them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As to who will win, that’s where we get into a bit of a gray area. How gray?

Oh thank God. Considering the Steelers are included in this discussion, I was expecting a different (and far less welcome) image.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

/looks down at hot chocolate
/sighs
/pours out hot chocolate

Shogun Marcus

Elisha will never get proper cred for his success. He should shine, but he sadly drowns in his brother’s undeserved shadow. If he gets by mine, then runs the table on the Boys and then the P*ts this time, I cannot honestly hold any hate. He will be a patron saint.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did you ever see a Colts game where they started Curtis Painter? I’m not about to let him drape his balls on my forehead, but Peyton really was the only good thing about that Colts team for many, many, many years.

monty this seems strange to me

It depends on if he asks nicely.

King Hippo

as a Donks fan…I am totes willing to let him put his balls on my head if he so desires. Superb Owl L, and winning the last matchup with Dreamboat and knowing that will haunt him until he dies. HUZZAH, those are good memories.

King Hippo

He is a real-life Forrest Gump, in many ways. But God love him, he’s stopped Dreamboat in his tracks, and he could thwart the Darkest Timeline Superb Owl. Fight on, man child. Fight on, for the juice boxes await ye.

Shogun Marcus

I will take an honest look at the show. They just made it LOOK like an Archer ripoff and sold it as such is all.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’ve stolen this and plan to have it tattooed somewhere prominent on my body.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Left cheek

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Gotta put it close to my opinion hole, for sure.

Cuntler

The Packers always win at home in the playoffs! ALWAYS!

comment image?w=530&h=296

http://allgbp.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Favre-Giants.gif

Cuntler

Straight up, I would take Green Bay and Seattle this week, and would pick against both next week. Green Bay’s defense is balls, and Seattle’s line is balls.

/No offense, Balls.

monty this seems strange to me

…against a team that doesn’t exist.

It’s a myth that the Texans don’t exist. I believe they do exist, it’s just that nobody gives a shit. I’m not Texans-Atheist, I’m Texans-Agnostic.

monty this seems strange to me

BALLS, YOU’RE AN A-HOLE AND YOU’RE WRONG!

I haven’t read your post above yet, just wanted to get that off my chest.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I will give Pacific Heat a chance, during the dark, windswept moonscape fitbaw-less days that loom ahead, then come back here and tell you “You’re FUCKIN’ wrong!”*

*even if you are right

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I believe the proper sentiment is “You’re right, but still go fuck yourself.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

You’re right, but still go fuck yourself.

Enrico Pallazzo

The only Australian show worth watching is a Matthew Dellavedova highlight reel IMO.

Also Connor Cook is ridiculously bad and has the personality of a guy that you should definitely root for to be thoroughly embarrassed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No way, man! Could you imagine him pulling this shit with Roger Goodell and the Lombardi Trophy? Just try to tell me the thought of that doesn’t make your dick hard.

comment image

Cuntler

His Dad sounds awesome: http://deadspin.com/connor-cooks-dad-seems-to-be-a-big-shithead-1775008134

Under/over on Tapout shirts owned: 7.5

jjfozz

You can hear the voice in his head saying, “Why is that dark person holding what’s mine? Probably cause he stole it.”

I’d rather have Rosie O’Donnell and Lena Dunham over for dinner than that douche.

jjfozz

Started watching it and got distracted by whatever was going on in my fucking house, which ranges from gun play to a small chemical fire to an all out Nerf gun war that will send my wife into a blind rage.

And – writing this makes me vomit blood – the Steelers might be the only antidote to the fucking Shitriots which means I will dedicate about .5% of my consciousness to actually rooting for them. This fact has me looking up traditional ways to commit sepuku.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Is “small chemical fire” code for heating up Sterno for a “Baltimore Nitecap”?

Cuntler

I look at this way. Pats fans, while being the worst, are somehow not the worst because they didn’t vote for the Orange nightmare. But still fuck the Pats and their fans because Belichick and Brady love Trump. I am rooting hard against the Florida, Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania teams because their dirty, uneducated, troglodyte, white-trash, entitlement-taking, entitlement-hating, old, white, racist, fox-watching, fake-news loving, pizzagate-believing fans deserve to never have anything good happen to them ever again and deserve to die in the fire of the inevitable nuclear holocaust. Go Giants/Seattle/Oakland.

monty this seems strange to me

The following weekend you can root against the Chiefs of Kansas City, Missou-RUH, for the same reasons. Unless they’re playing the Steelers. Then I think Rapistberger becomes the tiebreaker.

King Hippo

But when you think about it, TX is one of the states that trended HARDEST to the blue side. ESPECIALLY the Dallas metroplex.

Cuntler

Texas is redder than Jerry Jones’s hooker’s chapped ass outside of the cities (as is every state, pretty much). Fuck the 12 million Trump/Cowboys fans that live there.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And this is all well and good, but what about the myth of the female orgasm?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

That’s for the off-season series “Better Know A Fallacy”

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

You joke, but this would be a fantastic series.

jjfozz

Tell her to take two D batteries and call you in the morning

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Look you Lloyd Bentsen quoting asshole, you’re wrong.

Oh, I need to watch the show first? Fuck that.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

This is the internet. Experiencing something is not a prerequisite to trashing it.

monty this seems strange to me

“In that case, playoff wins are the WORST, amirite ppl?”

– Marvin Lewis

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Hell yeah they are!”

-a four part harmony performed by Tony Romo, Andy Dalton, Matt Ryan and Carson Palmer