After sixteen years of threats, the San Diego Chargers officially filed for relocation last Thursday to move to Los Angeles, a city that has made it abundantly clear that they do not want them. His eyes on smoggier pastures and the false promise of more cash monies, Dean Spanos stomp, stomp, clapped on my heart and gave the entire city of San Diego a one finger salute as he rolled up The 5 with his tail between his legs, after begging Stan to come and let him crash on the couch, once his new monument to excess is complete. Immediately afterwards, NFL Commissioner and human sock puppet, Roger Goodell, released a statement about the move, which I found to be completely unsatisfactory and further insulting. This is my response:

For more than a decade, the San Diego Chargers have worked diligently toward finding a local stadium solution, which all sides agreed was required.

With the exception of the one side that actually mattered: Team ownership. It all started when Spanos hired Mark Fabiani, noted scumbag lawyer who went on to serve for Lance Armstrong following his doping scandal, Rick Perry and Sheldon Adelson, as their legal council, to deflect blame away from the family during this process. Fans hated him for stalling, continually advocating for use of public funds and dangling the threat of moving to LA, but he was only the mouthpiece to his employer. What else does a lawyer do but represent the best wishes of whoever is writing their check?

The team also has such a rich history of working diligently with the city, like charging them millions of dollars each year to play at Qualcomm Stadium, instead of actually paying rent. I guess that deal wasn’t sweet enough for ol’ Deano anymore.

These efforts took on added intensity in the last two years.

With the threat of someone else trying to move into the market that he thought he deserved, Dean stumbled into action! “No one takes away the fan base I’ve failed to cultivate for more than 20 years! NYGGHH!”

A year ago, NFL owners granted the Chargers an option to move to Los Angeles. Rather than immediately exercising that option, the team spent the past year continuing to work on finding a stadium solution in San Diego.

You mean the meeting where NFL owners emphatically shot down the Raiders/Chargers joint stadium, in favor of the Rams self-financed plan for Inglewood, effectively forcing Dean to keep the team here another year, as there wasn’t enough time to put another moving plan in place before the start of the season? Yup, only you, Rog, see that as doing the city a favor.

The Chargers worked tirelessly this past year with local officials and community leaders on a ballot initiative that fell short on election day.

First of all, I find it much more likely that Goodell means that Spanos stole local officials and community leaders tires during their discussions, rather than to suggest he lost a moment of sleep over the issue. Second, Ballot Measure C was a complete and total joke. Sold as a joint measure to solve both the stadium issue and the expansion of the inadequate convention center, the plan was to use the new stadium site, which would be more than a block away, as an annex, making complete sense if you don’t think about it. Further, Spanos wouldn’t have to pay a dime of his own money for a stadium that would cost at least 1.1 billion dollars. He would be responsible for:

• A flat $350 million dollars
  • This money is capable of coming entirely from stadium naming rights and season ticket sales
• No overages, which would all be absorbed by the city
• No investment in public transportation or other development around the area to improve access
  

But it’s totally the fans fault for not voting for it!

That work – and the years of effort that preceded it – reflects our strongly held belief we always should do everything we can to keep a franchise in its community.

Really? So, when the city of St. Louis offered to get raked over the coals and nearly completely pay for a new stadium in order to keep the Rams there, the NFL supported the plan and forced Enos to stay. Yup, that’s exactly what happened.

That’s why we have a deliberate and thoughtful process for making these decisions.

Relocation is painful for teams and communities.

“The NFL is so very concerned about your pain! It’s why we’ve moved two franchises soon to be three franchises in two years from their established markets!”

It is especially painful for fans, and the fans in San Diego have given the Chargers strong and loyal support for more than 50 years, which makes it even more disappointing that we could not solve the stadium issue.

“If only we actually tried!”

It’s not like the owners didn’t unanimously approve the move or anything, two years before Stan’s new stadium opens. Stalling might’ve saved the team the embarrassment of playing two years in a soccer stadium that sits 27K attendants, and would’ve actually allowed for another city vote that wouldn’t have required raising taxes. What percentage of votes would that of needed? 50%? Aww, but they were so far away with that 43% on Measure C!

As difficult as the news is for Charger fans, I know Dean Spanos and his family did everything they could to try to find a viable solution in San Diego.

This. This right here, is the boldfaced, bullshit kind of statement that we’ve grown accustomed to from The Commish. Roger is lying through his goddamned teeth right here as much as he did when saying that playing football cannot be linked to CTE and long term brain damage. Fuck you, Roger. You, your league and the 32 billionaires you mindlessly cobble to are nothing more than a national disgrace.

So have fun, Dean. I hope you enjoy your new head coach forgetting what city he plays in, getting cussed out and flipped off at team events, having a coalition of moving companies in your old and new hometowns form to refuse to work for you and watching your new logo be relentlessly mocked by professional and minor league teams. You deserve all of it, and so, so much more.