Instant Hippo Thoughts – Conference Championship Sunday (2016 Season)

Unfortunately for the portly folk of greater Wisconsin, the Superb Owl was not in fact played last weekend. THIS weekend, Green Bay put on a veritable clinic in how to not FOOTBAW, especially on defense. They might as well not brought one of those.

It’s high time to give some credit to Atlanta’s D, though. Everyone raves about Vanilla Ice’s spiritual cousin, Baby Shanny, and the otherworldly phenom that is Julio Jones. But this is two consecutive elite (and not in the Flacco sense) QBs they have thoroughly confused, battered, and mentally beaten into submission. For two quartered backing minds as brilliant as Messers. Wilson and Rodgers, that is no mean feat. A hat tip and a bow is in order. To the Falcons’ defensiving!!

I entered the night fixture with a sense of great dread. Likely this would be another shitshow, with Satan’s handmaidens punching their ticket to an all-red Grand Final (no doubt very pleasing to our new overlords).

Sadly, my low expectations were met. Fuck you, 2017.

So, now the world is reliant on ATLANTA, a city whose sporting franchises nigh always come through as small as humanly possible in the spotlight, to prevent the Darkest Narrative from culminating in Superb Owl LI.

Count. Hippo. Out.

I shall read a book or some shit like that. Blech. Hurry back, Donks training camp.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The San Diego Chargers beat two playoff teams this year: one that doesn’t exist, and the other being Atlanta. So by my calculations…

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…they are the better team and should be representing the NFC in the Superb Owl!

But, wait, if that’s true, and they lost to Cleveland this year…

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g246/sey115/post-16777-IT-crowd-were-going-to-die-gif-0SWc_zps326adfa3.gif

Beerguyrob

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Matchups, timing, consistency, on any given Sunday (or all the fucking other days Roger has the teams playing).

Also be careful hiring a contractor from Sweden.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-th1gb0HhphU/U7gO0U_FUXI/AAAAAAAAUcA/O-C3HmDfpek/s1600/Headbanging+Builder+At+Work+r.gif

Fronkenshteen

THIS FRONKENSHTEEN, I CALL HIM DEION SANDERS, BECAUSE YESTERDAY’S RESULTS MADE HIM AMERICA’S BIGGEST FALCONS FAN OVERNIGHT.

Beerguyrob

It sure was nice of the Packers to score some points – I was afraid the game wouldn’t cover the over. $$$

Nice to see Arthur Blank going to a Super Bowl without Michael Vick.

Vic Beasley is a goddamned monster.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If Vic Beasley’s harassment of Tom Brady is the reasons why the Falcons win the Super Bowl, I will be a fan of his forever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I believe a skull fucking of Tommy is in order.

Fronkenshteen

Winnah! Winnah! Chicken dinnah!

laserguru

Pitchers and catchers report in 22 days.

This has been your daily reason to live report.

theeWeeBabySeamus

First college home game a month from tomorrow.
/all atwitter with anticipation of a sport we might not totally suck in
//knows it’s a pipe dream

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

You’re right, but still go fuck yourself

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Since I avoid everything NFL except this site and Ape’s tweets, are the Falcons still considered the “black” team of the NFL? I figure Carolina got some of that from Cam and winning a Superb Owl, but Atlanta is still Atlanta and white flight hasn’t stopped, so it still seems like there’s something to that.

Representing the AFC, on the other hand, are the whitest douchebag fucks in America. I would say outside a Trump rally but let’s be honest – the Venn Diagram is a fucking circle.

So, yeah. The hot takes in the next two weeks are going to be fucking awesome. But to paraphrase Balls, fuck this shit. I have better things to do two Sundays from now but watch that game.

Unsurprised

As a team? Yes

However, Denver isn’t exactly Chocolate City, and the team’s history and culture are tied pretty closely together. In addition, its two most iconic players are a White Colt and a White Horse.

Don T

“If you think I’m being difficult with you, IMAGINE how I treat my professional adversaries”.

Full disclosure: that has worked for me only once. Once.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s shit like those meeting that make me very happy I am not in private practice.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Trof. Utter and complete troof.

Unsurprised

Well, I’m inspired to keep looking for legal work now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can load up the sniper rifle and just take you out when you least expect it if you’d like. It doesn’t have the same panache as nukes….but same difference as far as from where you’re sitting. Just say the word…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*HUNTING rifle.

blaxabbath

Perhaps you could have worked longer? And harder? And not deposited every other paycheck? You know, for the team.

Enrico Pallazzo

Apparently, all you need to do to beat Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs is to not be a total fraud.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Great, so now we can expect Sean Spicer to come out and insist that the Falcons won thanks to Trump’s policies?

Cuntler

That Atlanta game was the validation the rest of the NFC North needed. Green Bay’s defense is still garbage, and they are NOTHING without Rodgers.

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Cuntler

Which was obvious after this game. If Matt Barkley puts up 27 points on your sorry asses, you’re gonna have a bad time.

http://www.nfl.com/gamecenter/2016121802/2016/REG15/packers@bears#menu=gameinfo%7CcontentId%3A0ap3000000758427&tab=recap

jjfozz

It was refreshing to hear a player referred to as “former lacrosse player” about 85 times last night versus “former basketball player.”

God in heaven, could the Pats be any more of a white bread team?

I hope the Falcons beat the ever loving, fucking shit out of the Pats.

Don T

ATL is in full run-the-score mode. They make every game look like an Arena League game. Even if you double Julio, they gots weapons.
Pats D is dominating kinda like DEN last year
/dodges bull testicle/
albeit in an efficient, not physically imposing way. Save for a coupla handoffs and a lucky bounce, the Falcs made no mistakes. And they don’t go all run off the clock. Wonder if the Pats will go all NY Giants against the Bills for this one.
The Superb Owl could well be the best matchup of the season. ¡Hippo! Embrace yer Southern brethren. I foresee heavy Outkast playlists in the future.
Then again, the Commish eating crow giving the trophy to Kraft would be kinda satisfying.
/dodges ordnance/

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Then again, the Commish eating crow giving the trophy to Kraft would be kinda satisfying.”

No, no it wouldn’t.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched the AFC championship game at a bar with a Pats fan friend, and other than Hogan, even he was not remarkably entertained by the match.

blaxabbath

WHEN’S IT GAHNNA BE RWED SAHKS SEASON????

Sharkbait

He threw the worst pool parties though.

ballsofsteelandfury

OR THE BEST!

blaxabbath

You’ll know immediately if the #womensmarch(plusallies) worked because the nation should clearly root against New Eng*and simply based on Brady’s bromance with The Donald. If the bandwaggoners blindly jump to support the P*triots or women justify wearing their Free Brady jerseys because “he’s handsome”, it will give us a real-time input that this entire movement was nothing more than any other Saturday morning recreational walk/jog for cancer politics. Then we can box it up and set it in the closet next to those couple weeks of outrage to #bringbackourgirls, Bart’s guitar, or Occupy Wall Street.

But if America — and, I hope, the world — turn on Brady, then we all may have hope.

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/tom-brady-refuses-clarify-called-trump-article-1.2951973

Unsurprised

The photos of cops high-fiving people in multiple cities is all the proof I needed to know that these marches mean nothing. If they mattered, if they represented people who are actually marginalized and fighting for their very survival, they’d have been corralled and attacked by stormtroopers like every other BLM march. But it’s a bunch of pretty white women dilettantes who went back home yesterday and are going to their juice bars before yoga today, and not a single motherfucking thing will change as a result.

ballsofsteelandfury

As if it wasn’t crystal clear before, last night made it even more so. I’m not watching the NFL anymore until Brady retires or suffers a career-ending injury.
Fuck this shit.

blaxabbath

Fuck the Jets.

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LemonJello

Is he wearing a fucking cloak of invisibility (Jets only version)? They actively avoided hitting him on this play.

blaxabbath

Yep – now imagine that same scenario with Brock out there as a blocker.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/20140606/5047942/giraffe-run-o.gif

And now tell me that the NFL does not tamper with the on-field product.

LemonJello

Imagine Cam out there in that position-
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4819937/unsc-infinity-o.gif

blaxabbath

Approved hit on Cam:

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Doktor Zymm

Atlanta is weirdly fun to watch this year, so I have my hopes that SB LI, (which I assume refers to the Confucian concept, which is oddly approps, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Li_(Confucianism) see?) will not suck total dog balls. Of course, I might also just call in sick that Friday, fly to Amsterdam for no reason (it’s probably not cold enough to ice skate on the canals this year, right? damn.) and then watch the recorded game when I get back and can fast forward through the crap bits.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, you’re going to fast forward through the whole game?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fast forwarding through the crap bits is also known as a Baltimore obstacle course

blaxabbath

Maybe outside of Mobtown. Locally, Baltimorians call fast forwarding through the crap bits, “a missed opportunity”.

LemonJello

Fun fact: “Fast forwarding through the crap bits” is what Gisele calls pegging Tom Terrific post-game.