As Barry Manilow would caterwaul, “Looks like we made it” to our second Super Bowl as a bunch of kid-like creatures that exist under the DFO banner. Well done everyone! [waits for ecstatic applause to die down] It just goes to show you what can be done with a wee bit of moxie, three cadavers, an empty garage, a government research grant, one teaspoon of wasabi, a pair of cargo shorts from Eddie Bauer, the letter “R”, (“G” can suck it-look at us now buddy, maybe you’ll actually answer your emails in the future) a few bottles of Zantac (150-the extra strength kind), the love of a bi-polar woman, superior gas mileage and some second-hand pot smoke. We’re unbelievably lucky because if you were to combine all these things together at any other point in time you’d not only not get this particular result, you’d more than likely get arrested. I thank God every day that there was no God to interfere with the extraordinarily delicate process that brought this whole thing to fruition. TO THE GAME!
In your daily wanderings across the internubs you may have gleaned that the Falcons of Atlanta are dueling the Patriots of the New England. Based on my long history of watching football I know that each and every member of both teams are going to try their very best to win the game because there is a financial bonus attached to doing so. For some it might be 10k, for others it may be 5 mil-whatever the amount, all participants (including coaches) regard this as “free money” and will do their utmost to have that money dumped into their bank account. Some will secretly record practices, others will intentionally deflate footballs. It’s more than likely that a certain unnamed squad is violating the spirit of a specific rule as I type. I’ve always felt that you are the sum of your actions and not what your guttural one- and two- and three-word responses in press conferences imply.
Okay. Now you know who I’m cheering for. Big whoop. Now it’s time for you folks to chime in. Tell us goobers what you’re up to. What are you cooking? Where are you watching the game? Hey lurker, say hello and let us know that you like what we’re doing and how we might make things better. We’re all ears-except for me, I’m all coccyx. Yeah, that’s right-I’ve got a big coccyx. If you lurk and have a medical degree…please, this condition is not pleasant AT ALL.
Enjoy the game people.
8 minutes left
Country music…
The aluminum foil on the molar filling of mankind.
Should have taken the over on the length of the anthem.
Luke Bryan concert
I never knew The Star-Spangled Banner was in 7!
/And now, jokes only Maestro and I get!
I remember the outrage when Madison Rising growled it in 4/4
[Furiously bets “over” on National Anthem length]
Who is this jamoke singing, he suuuuucks
This anthem is going to take forever
Odds Trump tweets about America the Beautiful lyric change?
Yes.
The cast of Hamilton and a supposedly pro-immigration Budweiser Ad? The NFL is really trying to piss off Trump. Must have heard how well everyone else who experienced a “boycott” is doing afterward and said, “We could use some of that cash ourselves.”
I now know three girls that will never get hired by Spike Lee in the near future.
That’s Luke Bryan? I thought that was Jay Cutler
Brady is staring at his dick during the anthem…
DEPORT HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!!!
Brotherhood and sisterhood? Cue the angry tweets!
Shit they’re actually going to do this thing, aren’t they?
The meteor is FAR too late to go with that option now, so they don’t really have any other choice.
OH SHIT IN A FEW WEEKS WE GET HICKS DRIVING IN CIRCLES!!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!
It’s either that or talk to your family.
What’s the next movie that will be made into an ill-advised TV series? Goonies?
Hostel.
In all honesty, I’m a bit surprised they haven’t made a hostel (sexy, not gory) reality show yet.
Mac and Me
I am so nervous tonight. Won’t be commenting much. Hail BLEERGH, and go Pats.
Patriots enter to boring ass crazy train. Atlanta enters to new “urban” crazy train. So many levels. We need Atlanta.
For every knee that hits the turf during the National Anthem, the other team gets a point. Agreed?
Let me check to see if everything is ok.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/5082b71298ccb09e7bbf871c39d0ad0f/tumblr_ndryaxZjVm1t90yqgo1_500.gif
SEC! SEC! SEC!
Mark Wahlberg or Donald Glover? I’m going with Lando.
http://coolwatersprods.com/images/colt45WEB.jpg
I imagine the Falcons leaving their locker room is similar to Megamind and Minion going off to fight at the end of the movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYgIQkzimAs
Nothing represents the city of Atlanta better than the music of four white guys from Vermont!
Come on Ving…say it…WE HAVE THE MEATS!!!
Damn, I used to like Ving Rhames.
Holy shit, PHISH music being used in the pregame?
Arby’s: We have the football!
Tastes better than what they usually serve.
Oh. OH! All the fucking fat unemployable MAGA folks will shit themselves over Budweiser’s pro-immigrant commercial tonight which is the only thing guaranteed to delight me tonight.
So…hooray teh blacks? Am I allowed to do that in today’s Murcia?
Next year: Ivy League HOFers
The year after that, HOFers who played other sports
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Rachel-Bilson-Eating-Ice-Cream-Magnum-Commercial.gif
I kinda want an ice cream bar now.
I kinda want Rachel Bilson now.
Why not both?
” Based on my long history of watching football I know that each and every member of both teams are going to try their very best to win the game ”
But the sports media informs me that players don’t really try to win the Super Bowl unless their opponent has made the mistake of saying something negative and giving them BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL
Over/Under on original knees and hips right now… 2.5
ANYTIME YOU GO UPSIDE A MAN’S HEAD….OR A WOMAN
-Deacon Jones
So, I also hate Elon Musk. Every time he pretends to be a human being, I just imagine Data from Star Trek trying to contemplate what having emotions are like but never quite getting it.
One day you might be a real boy, Elon Musk. One day.
Hey y’all! I’m just tuning in now… has Tom Brady whined to the refs about a legal hit yet? I know the game hasn’t yet started, but I thought he’d want to get things going early.
Of all the things I despise about Brady, his faux-humility is high on the list.
Dude is lucky he has athletic talent and looks else he’d be lucky to be changing your oil at Jiffy Lube.
You know what would be a disaster for FOX and the NFL? A non-controversial halftime show. We’ve reached the unfortunate phase of there being no such thing as bad publicity.
Thanks Rog.
Look, I’m not going to say Tom Brady exemplifies everything wrong with American values but…
Wait. That’s totally fucking wrong.
http://cdnph.upi.com/ph/st/th/3021485440669/2017/i/14854411086646/v1.5/Georgia-veterinary-clinic-ribs-Patriots-with-pro-neutering-deflate-balls-sign.jpg
Funny, that looks like RTD’s kitchen…
http://68.media.tumblr.com/995a2842024b0668a94cdafedde1e771/tumblr_nh2qw9pFN41u5qbw3o1_500.gif
I like his decorator.
It’s actually uncanny how much it looks like his kitchen. That video may have been made in his complex…
Does he own a camera?
Jesus fucking christ what is this jingoist bullshit?
It’s a fucking football game you Assholes not the fucking 4th of July.
Gentlemen.
It’d be a real shame if Brady slips and tears his Achilles running out of the tunnel during introductions.
I would spontaneously ejaculate if that happened.
Yeah….spontaneous….right.
Have you seen Pet Sematary? I’m picturing that.
I’ve seen Pet Seminary, does that ocunt?
But Pet Semenary, I definitely don’t have a bootleg illegal copy of that.
Head groundskeeper Bernard Pollard’s on it!
I see Joe Buck is trying to emulate Adam Levine with the designer stubble. If his aim was to make me feel the same way about him as I do about Adam Levine, the good news is that it worked.
At least it’s not Phil Simms