Your Western Conference Playoff Team Previews & Thursday Evening Open Thread

Lone NFL note: the Draft is two weeks today.


As with the East, so too with the West:

Calgary: litre_cola

Hi gang! The Ice Stampeders are in the playoffs again for the 2nd time in a long time. This here city sure gets amped up for it, bars are packed they take over our bar street 17th Ave SW. The avenue was nicknamed the Red Mile during the playoffs where the Flames lost to the Ligthnings in 03/04 in the Coupe Finale. The street has approximately 75 restaurants and bars and the city blocks off the street at both ends and it is one massive party. We got that party a few years back when they defeated the Canucks and moved on to get pounded by the Ducks.
Let’s get this out of the way. The Flames never win in Anaheim. Ever. They have to get one of the first two games or else it is over. The last 2 games against said Ducks have been abominations. The Flames are a very young team and they tend to lose their heads when a game gets chippy. Kesler seems to get under their skin and he will have a field day with the young’uns.
Johnny Hockey > Johnny Football. We know this. If Brian Elliott continues to play like he has in the back half of the season then they have a shot. The line of Frolik-Backlund-Tkachuk line has been incredibly under rated all season long and they usually match up against the opponents 1st line. Brad Treliving made a couple of shrewd moves at the deadline to shore up the back end by adding Bartkowski and Stone. This has relegated Dennis Wideman and his 6 million dollar salary to the rafters. Their D has 3 studs in Giordano, Brodie, and Hamilton but they are lacking depth should one of them go down.
Troy Brouwer has been a terrible signing. He will look good in Las Vegas Golden Super Greatest Knights sponsored by Draft Kings Stubhub Tube.
In other news, I think that this is one of the greatest sports videos of all time.

I dislike the Flames locals being happy, but I do work and live on the Red Mile so hopefully they can make it a series. The dream match-up next round would be the Oilers as the hate is real.


Oilers: litre_cola

“About 3 hours up the road from me is one of the youngest most promising hockey clubs in the NHL. This same city is a dump unless you are in to pickup trucks, rig pigs, and people lacking teeth. The have a new state of the art arena that their uber rich owner got out of taxpayers pockets after threatening to move the team. Daryl Katz also has no problems paying high end senoritas for sexual favours, if you are into that.
   

Anywhoo, due to their futility the past decade or so the Ice Eskimos (Raycess?) have had a plethora of 1st overall picks. They have used them all on forwards which is why their defense the last 10 years has been a big bag of garbage. Which funnily enough one of the main attractions in Edmonton is indeed a big burning bag of garbage. The main bar area is called Whyte Ave, and it is great for swinging on power lines, stabbings and bad clubs.

McDavid is the real deal and there are a lot of McJesus jerseys floating around this province.

It helps that God has given His blessing.

When they traded Taylor Hall for a mediocre D-man in Larsson I wondered what the hell Chiarelli was doing. It seems Mr. Hall was a big suck bag in the room and had to be moved and he took whatever defenseman he could get. Eberle is under rated IMO, and the Nuge is a nice complementary piece but still is a wee bit small. The German Draisaitl has emerged as a phenomenal player even though they screwed up his 1st year by playing him way too many times and then sending him back to junior.

Talbot has turned in to a serviceable #1 keeper, HOWEVAH, with the leaky D in front of them, if Talbot goes down Laurent Brassoit is not the answer and they will not progress.

Kris Russel is an overrated D man and there is a reason that it took for long for him to get hired. They signed Lucic too, and he is something.

I hope they win and the Flames win so we can have a Battle of Alberta on our hands which would piss off Bettman and make the end of April interesting around these parts!”


San Diego Mighty Ducks Quackers of Anaheim: Friend of Low Commander, Funky Brewmaster

I would like to start off with a little introduction of myself. However… as Low Commander has told me, everyone here is a terrible person and has zero desire to know who or what I am.

/Sips AMERICAN whiskey

So let’s get to it… The Anaheim Ducks are playing the Calgary Flamers in the first round. What does this mean for hockey? There will be fights on fights on fights on fights.

Not as much as this is the playoffs… But look at this!

Imagine If Steve Smith played hockey and everyone on the ice looked like a baby. That is what this series will be like. The Ducks are going to be without their star defensemen Cam Fowler for the majority of this series after taking a blatant knee by Flamers captain Mark Giordano in the last matchup of the season. As this might be a problem for most teams, it shouldn’t affect the Ducks as they have some of the best depth in the NHL on defense. The Ducks are lead by their top line of Rickard Rakell, Patrick Eaves, and Ryan Getzlaf. They also have Ryan Kessler. For those of you who are Canucks fans… go fuck yourselves. Kessler wanted out, we gave you a couple bags of pucks for him. Get over it.

Meanwhile… The Flamers are led by top players Johnny Gaudreau, Sean Monahan, and Mikael Backlund (yes, I had to Google top point producers for the Flames). The Flamers would normally have a chance of making it to the second round with this current club. However, they have to play at Honda Center. They haven’t won there since 2004. What was popular in 2004? Myspace, Janet Jackson’s nipple, and of course water boarding. Point being, unless they finally decide to break the streak of 26 straight losses there, I don’t see them winning the series.

Anaheim has home ice and will win this series. Anaheim is a hungry team that needs to make a deep run in the playoffs. This team has been together for quite some time now and needs to prove to management that they want to stay as a unit… sort of like a flying v or something. I see Anaheim winning this series in 6 games. I just can’t see Calgary winning on the road. They haven’t done it in 14 years… it won’t change now.

ANAHEIM in 6


San Jose: sunrisesunrise

They lost to Penguins in the Finals a year ago. They were slower than the Pens. A lot slower. And even I knew that it was a miracle they won the game they did.

They kept the same core and wrecked shop for the first half of the season. Then, it stopped working. Martin Jones became average. Joe Thornton turned out to be operating on pixie dust last year because his stats are down across the board. Then Logan Couture decided to stop a Brent Burns shot with his teeth. Guess how that turned out. He missed the last two weeks and will look like a college hockey player while wearing a cage. (And will have jaw surgery and teeth removal in the offseason.) And for good measure, Thornton got his knee bent backwards in a meaningless game against the meaningless Canucks. He and Couture* are game time decisions for game 1.

To summarize: old, slow team got older and slower. If they make it past the Oilers, Jones will have stepped up and a few of the non-stars will shine.

*Couture started, yay! Thornton did not and probably won’t unless they make it to the next round. And the Sharks won in overtime.


Chicago: Cuntler

As a fan of the reigning Stanley Cup Champion Blackhawks; the best player/scorer/rape-denier in the league, Patrick “FUCK YOU, SILL” Kane; and best captain in hockey, I humbly request the author use this picture of Jonathan Toews celebrating his Cup win.

FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

Love, Cuntler


And now, the rest

Nashville:

A surprisingly good hockey town, what Winnipeg could be with better weather and a flat exchange rate. They really sell the “Smashville” thing, in a good way.

The arena is nice

  

and when the game is over you exit right onto Broadway, and into the middle of about a dozen stagettes.

They’ll go as far as Pekka Rinne’s save percentage will allow.


St. Louis:

Normally, Internet Dad would provide commentary, but he is currently engaged in preventing the Russians from committing further hackery against our fair site. So, in deference to him, I’m just reprinting his preview from last year, with appropriate corrections for 2017.

The Blues (Or, the Most Appropriate of Hockey Team Names)

The Blues have, for the entirety of my life, disappointed me. I started watching when I was a wee’un, but really became a fan in the mid 90’s, thanks mostly to the awesomeness of NHLPA ’93 for the Sega Genesis. The Blues have also, in recent years, developed a reputation for constant overachievement in the regular season and immediate, hilarious pants shitting in the playoffs.

For the love of Pete, this team deserves to win. They play so hard every night. They could totally win.

But they won’t.

This is a team that will lose to an undermanned team, or a backup goalie, or a fluke shot, or a poorly-timed injury. They are comically playoff-cursed, and I’ll drink myself into the carpet, again.

OR MAYBE THEY WON’T.

Yeah, they have exciting players like Vlad Tarasenko, David Backes, Robby Fabbri, Kevin Shattenkirk, Paul Stastny, Alex Pietrangelo, and goalies Brian Elliott and Jake Allen, either of whom could heat up at the right time. They could totally do this, right?

/Sees Goddamned Yzerman shot going top shelf on Jon Casey which is BURNED INTO MY DAMNED EYEBALLS

FUUUUUUUUCK

Lets. Go. Blues.


Minnesota:

No.

I have standards.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Maple Leafs at Capitals – 7:00PM | USA / CBC
    • Predators at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
    • Flames at Ducks – 10:30PM | NBCSN / CBC

As a proud Canadian who lives outside the “golden horseshoe”, I believe my sentiments on tonight’s games are: GO CAPS!, WHO CARES?, and FUCK RYAN KESLER!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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sunrisesunrise

I want the Ducks-Flames series to go 7 games. So that goal was cheered for on my end.

sunrisesunrise

Apparently icing is subjective now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Shogun Marcus

Icing ruins most things as often there’s too much of it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

heh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Well that was fast.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-My last date

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-John Bell Hood

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that was fucking esoteric….

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Deep cut

Croooow

I love playoff hockey. That was some edge-of-your-seat stuff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed.

Oddly enough tWBS had some “edge-of-your-seat stuff” after he ate that burrito he left on the counter too long.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Counter? It sat in the truck for 3 days.
/excuses self to bathroom again

sunrisesunrise

They really don’t want Chicago to lose this game do they?

Senor Weaselo

You mean that last “icing”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

Currently teaching South African apartheid in my class. I thought I would give everyone an Easter present and get them to do their in-class essay based on whether they agreed with Mandela and the ANC to use violence to change South Africa. They have Mandela’s Rivonia Trial speech to the court as a primary source document. I see 3 students currently writing that they disagree. I am afraid to read with what they have to say. . .

sunrisesunrise

As much as you hoped for the best, I think you’re gonna be supremely disappointed. Question becomes, do you grade them harshly based on their opinions?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What if the kid was racist? As in “The blacks deserved this, they were better off under white rule, and should have obeyed.” type of answer. There were a few kids like that growing up; I’m sure their parents taught them that bullshit very well,

Wakezilla

No, it’s more evidence based than anything. Usually, if it goes against history or popular opinion, they’re train wrecks. For example, one student’s thesis is “black people should not rebel because white people might think of them poorly if they consider to go through the black people rebellion.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Nope. Fuck him and everyone else at ND.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Uup, sorry, thought it was something else.
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Wakezilla

God damnit! I didn’t realize I was supposed to send you the preview. I made a whole post. Sorry, Rob.

Anyone in any playoffs pools? Who did you load up on?

Wakezilla

I ask because I’m doing a playoffs pool tomorrow. Yeah, I know, but, we get to do it live and it gives us all an excuse to be hammered in the afternoon.

I have every intention to load up on Caps.

I’m going to lose, aren’t I?

sunrisesunrise

Damn. Just threw it at the net. Pure luck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And?

sunrisesunrise

And I wish I got a screen grab of the first fan they showed celebrating. Old, white guy looking unsure of what he what supposed to do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[is old white guy unsure of what to do.]

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds redundant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

again.

Shogun Marcus

And also

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

in like manner

Shogun Marcus

Over and above

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

moreover, we could point out that he said it conjointly.

Shogun Marcus

in perpetuity, ad nauseam, forever and ever.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does this mean I have to watch hockey? I don’t like doing that until the Stanley Cup finals.

sunrisesunrise

Addendum to my semi-drunk thrown together preview last night: Just gonna say without reading any comments that I actually watched more Sharks games this year as opposed to last year. I was confident they were going back to the finals until about 2 months ago. They are lucky they had such a large lead because their play the last 2 months has been Cleveland Brown-esque.

Croooow

Minnesota Wild has to be one of the cheesiest team names in sports. If it was up to me, they would still be the North Stars. (And I like the team a lot, especially ever since they moved their AHL team to my hometown).

Wakezilla

It’s a shame Dallas is synonymous with the star. Otherwise, they’d have a different team name and Minnesota would rightfully be the North Stars.

Shogun Marcus

Der Pumpkinczar can’t stop bashing on obummer, yet gladly takes credit for all things planned then that are now showing results. Oh and he also has no clue what the military is up to because he already knows moar than them so doesn’t need briefings. He’s gonna try and retcon Osama at this rate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and his adoring public love it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Which makes me think a second term is in the realm of possibility.

Senor Weaselo

Nothing stirs up popularity like a war! Wait, shit, we’re actually going to get into WW3 to stroke his massive throbbing ego. Fuuuuuuck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
Sharkbait

Stanley Cup Overtime is great, if your team isnt playing. If they are, its a series of heart attacks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

JEEBUS FUCK CAPS…CLEAR THE FUCKING ZONE!!! FFS!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I honestly have no fucking clue why I thought this year would be different.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I don’t know who to root against in this series. I love the yearly failure in the playoffs by the Caps, but I hate the Leafs and want all Canadian teams to lose every single game so the pundits on NHL network will cry

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Announcer 1: “The Hawks have kept the puck in the Nashville zone for nearly 5 minutes straight”
A2: “Yeah, but it has been all one and done plays”

Do you know what one and done means in a hockey sense A2?

Senor Weaselo

I’m gonna guess no?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, I’m tired of sitting at the poker table by me self.

Sharkbait

No longer alone!

theeWeeBabySeamus

So what should we talk about?
Looks like we’ll need something to discuss at this rate.

King Hippo

we gots 4 now

theeWeeBabySeamus

We did.
UNTIL YOUR PISSY ASS LEFT IN A HUFF.
Get back in there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fine Hippo. Just don’t be surprised when you wake up to a burnt out Cub Cadet mower parked in your front yard tomorrow morning.

Dammit.

Senor Weaselo

I have no idea what’s going on in the world where Aaron Hicks has a two-homer night and Peter Bourjos has also gone yard, but considering everything else it makes sense I guess.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And everyone wonders why we all hate the fucking Rangers.
Nice shot ya smoothie drinking pussies….
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Hockey+puck+hits+camera+greenish+gray+center+big1+3d+slapshot+big1+center+greenish+gray_69e5db_5454558.gif

Senor Weaselo

That Fletcher cam had it too good for too long…

King Hippo

Every Canadia side is gonna lose every goddamned game, aren’t they?

Listening to that 2nd period, with the home team down ONE goal in game ONE…it was a fucking funeral home. DC sports fans (sorry Dok and other similarly situated Party members) are the fucking worst, a notion I picked up during my 19 months of working there (and have retained ever since).

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can’t disagree. I really miss the old Baltimore EHL teams.
Fuck DC.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

YEAH BABY!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

…of two fine ruptured testicles.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t worry, I got dis…
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sharkbait

Everytime I hear Kapanen, I think of Sami getting destroyed by Darcy Tucker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPY_9PtZ4Q

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

C’mere baby.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I mean look at how she was feathered, smgdh.

LemonJello

That’s what you get, naming that dog “Baylor”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Jeremy Roenicke’s face still looks rebuilt.
Sorry.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is she a woman in her forties living in LA?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually, yes I think so.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Is it me or does it look like the Caps are fanning/misfiring on a lot of shots?

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is the hockey version of the weave and heave.
They do this every fucking year. FFS.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh goddammit Caps. Stop Capping already FFS!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

THERE IT IS!!!!!!!!

Sharkbait

Got one back.

Sharkbait

Time for a tasty beverage?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or 12

Sharkbait

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Sharkbait

1:35 in and the Lolcaps have shown up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

shut up

ballsofsteelandfury

This is beautiful. Well done, boys!

Sharkbait

Not sure what narrative I want to see end: The Ice Argonauts being bad, or the Ice Slurs being unable to get to round 3…