Lone NFL note: the Draft is two weeks today.
As with the East, so too with the West:
Calgary: litre_cola
I dislike the Flames locals being happy, but I do work and live on the Red Mile so hopefully they can make it a series. The dream match-up next round would be the Oilers as the hate is real.
Oilers: litre_cola
Anywhoo, due to their futility the past decade or so the Ice Eskimos (Raycess?) have had a plethora of 1st overall picks. They have used them all on forwards which is why their defense the last 10 years has been a big bag of garbage. Which funnily enough one of the main attractions in Edmonton is indeed a big burning bag of garbage. The main bar area is called Whyte Ave, and it is great for swinging on power lines, stabbings and bad clubs.
McDavid is the real deal and there are a lot of McJesus jerseys floating around this province.
When they traded Taylor Hall for a mediocre D-man in Larsson I wondered what the hell Chiarelli was doing. It seems Mr. Hall was a big suck bag in the room and had to be moved and he took whatever defenseman he could get. Eberle is under rated IMO, and the Nuge is a nice complementary piece but still is a wee bit small. The German Draisaitl has emerged as a phenomenal player even though they screwed up his 1st year by playing him way too many times and then sending him back to junior.
Talbot has turned in to a serviceable #1 keeper, HOWEVAH, with the leaky D in front of them, if Talbot goes down Laurent Brassoit is not the answer and they will not progress.
Kris Russel is an overrated D man and there is a reason that it took for long for him to get hired. They signed Lucic too, and he is something.
I hope they win and the Flames win so we can have a Battle of Alberta on our hands which would piss off Bettman and make the end of April interesting around these parts!”
San Diego Mighty Ducks Quackers of Anaheim: Friend of Low Commander, Funky Brewmaster
I would like to start off with a little introduction of myself. However… as Low Commander has told me, everyone here is a terrible person and has zero desire to know who or what I am.
/Sips AMERICAN whiskey
So let’s get to it… The Anaheim Ducks are playing the Calgary Flamers in the first round. What does this mean for hockey? There will be fights on fights on fights on fights.
Imagine If Steve Smith played hockey and everyone on the ice looked like a baby. That is what this series will be like. The Ducks are going to be without their star defensemen Cam Fowler for the majority of this series after taking a blatant knee by Flamers captain Mark Giordano in the last matchup of the season. As this might be a problem for most teams, it shouldn’t affect the Ducks as they have some of the best depth in the NHL on defense. The Ducks are lead by their top line of Rickard Rakell, Patrick Eaves, and Ryan Getzlaf. They also have Ryan Kessler. For those of you who are Canucks fans… go fuck yourselves. Kessler wanted out, we gave you a couple bags of pucks for him. Get over it.
Meanwhile… The Flamers are led by top players Johnny Gaudreau, Sean Monahan, and Mikael Backlund (yes, I had to Google top point producers for the Flames). The Flamers would normally have a chance of making it to the second round with this current club. However, they have to play at Honda Center. They haven’t won there since 2004. What was popular in 2004? Myspace, Janet Jackson’s nipple, and of course water boarding. Point being, unless they finally decide to break the streak of 26 straight losses there, I don’t see them winning the series.
Anaheim has home ice and will win this series. Anaheim is a hungry team that needs to make a deep run in the playoffs. This team has been together for quite some time now and needs to prove to management that they want to stay as a unit… sort of like a flying v or something. I see Anaheim winning this series in 6 games. I just can’t see Calgary winning on the road. They haven’t done it in 14 years… it won’t change now.
ANAHEIM in 6
San Jose: sunrisesunrise
They lost to Penguins in the Finals a year ago. They were slower than the Pens. A lot slower. And even I knew that it was a miracle they won the game they did.
They kept the same core and wrecked shop for the first half of the season. Then, it stopped working. Martin Jones became average. Joe Thornton turned out to be operating on pixie dust last year because his stats are down across the board. Then Logan Couture decided to stop a Brent Burns shot with his teeth. Guess how that turned out. He missed the last two weeks and will look like a college hockey player while wearing a cage. (And will have jaw surgery and teeth removal in the offseason.) And for good measure, Thornton got his knee bent backwards in a meaningless game against the meaningless Canucks. He and Couture* are game time decisions for game 1.
To summarize: old, slow team got older and slower. If they make it past the Oilers, Jones will have stepped up and a few of the non-stars will shine.
*Couture started, yay! Thornton did not and probably won’t unless they make it to the next round. And the Sharks won in overtime.
Chicago: Cuntler
As a fan of the reigning Stanley Cup Champion Blackhawks; the best player/scorer/rape-denier in the league, Patrick “FUCK YOU, SILL” Kane; and best captain in hockey, I humbly request the author use this picture of Jonathan Toews celebrating his Cup win.
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
Love, Cuntler
And now, the rest
Nashville:
A surprisingly good hockey town, what Winnipeg could be with better weather and a flat exchange rate. They really sell the “Smashville” thing, in a good way.
The arena is nice
and when the game is over you exit right onto Broadway, and into the middle of about a dozen stagettes.
They’ll go as far as Pekka Rinne’s save percentage will allow.
St. Louis:
Normally, Internet Dad would provide commentary, but he is currently engaged in preventing the Russians from committing further hackery against our fair site. So, in deference to him, I’m just reprinting his preview from last year, with appropriate corrections for 2017.
The Blues (Or, the Most Appropriate of Hockey Team Names)
The Blues have, for the entirety of my life, disappointed me. I started watching when I was a wee’un, but really became a fan in the mid 90’s, thanks mostly to the awesomeness of NHLPA ’93 for the Sega Genesis. The Blues have also, in recent years, developed a reputation for constant overachievement in the regular season and immediate, hilarious pants shitting in the playoffs.
For the love of Pete, this team deserves to win. They play so hard every night. They could totally win.
But they won’t.
This is a team that will lose to an undermanned team, or a backup goalie, or a fluke shot, or a poorly-timed injury. They are comically playoff-cursed, and I’ll drink myself into the carpet, again.
OR MAYBE THEY WON’T.
Yeah, they have exciting players like Vlad Tarasenko, David Backes, Robby Fabbri, Kevin Shattenkirk, Paul Stastny, Alex Pietrangelo, and goalies Brian Elliott and Jake Allen, either of whom could heat up at the right time. They could totally do this, right?
/Sees Goddamned Yzerman shot going top shelf on Jon Casey which is BURNED INTO MY DAMNED EYEBALLS
FUUUUUUUUCK
Lets. Go. Blues.
Minnesota:
No.
I have standards.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Maple Leafs at Capitals – 7:00PM | USA / CBC
- Predators at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
- Flames at Ducks – 10:30PM | NBCSN / CBC
As a proud Canadian who lives outside the “golden horseshoe”, I believe my sentiments on tonight’s games are: GO CAPS!, WHO CARES?, and FUCK RYAN KESLER!
I want the Ducks-Flames series to go 7 games. So that goal was cheered for on my end.
Apparently icing is subjective now.
http://media.giphy.com/media/tm9zQyZ4WcabK/giphy.gif
Icing ruins most things as often there’s too much of it.
Sorry, but this still makes me smile.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/587ecb02a70b918be793650d811f72b5/tumblr_od34saTrHm1qz4cuyo1_1280.jpg
heh
http://68.media.tumblr.com/905b08aabd81d4379b599fa2daed715b/tumblr_nq7llen02N1qzr8nao1_1280.jpg
YOU AREN’T MY REAL DAD!!
Well that was fast.
-My last date
Yay Nashville!
-John Bell Hood
OK, that was fucking esoteric….
Deep cut
I love playoff hockey. That was some edge-of-your-seat stuff.
Agreed.
Oddly enough tWBS had some “edge-of-your-seat stuff” after he ate that burrito he left on the counter too long.
Counter? It sat in the truck for 3 days.
/excuses self to bathroom again
They really don’t want Chicago to lose this game do they?
You mean that last “icing”?
ICING?
http://m0.her.ie/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Marnee-eating-cake-gif.gif
Currently teaching South African apartheid in my class. I thought I would give everyone an Easter present and get them to do their in-class essay based on whether they agreed with Mandela and the ANC to use violence to change South Africa. They have Mandela’s Rivonia Trial speech to the court as a primary source document. I see 3 students currently writing that they disagree. I am afraid to read with what they have to say. . .
As much as you hoped for the best, I think you’re gonna be supremely disappointed. Question becomes, do you grade them harshly based on their opinions?
What if the kid was racist? As in “The blacks deserved this, they were better off under white rule, and should have obeyed.” type of answer. There were a few kids like that growing up; I’m sure their parents taught them that bullshit very well,
No, it’s more evidence based than anything. Usually, if it goes against history or popular opinion, they’re train wrecks. For example, one student’s thesis is “black people should not rebel because white people might think of them poorly if they consider to go through the black people rebellion.”
Everybody has to have a hero; someone who suffers for the people.
http://www.rantsports.com/clubhouse/2017/04/13/notre-dame-senior-shotguns-a-beer-prior-to-every-mile-in-half-marathon/
http://media.giphy.com/media/l41lUb7hYQ3hzeuK4/giphy.gif
Nope. Fuck him and everyone else at ND.
Uup, sorry, thought it was something else.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/8-year-old-learns-to-drive-on-youtube-heads-to-mcdonalds/ar-BBzNobi?OCID=ansmsnnews11
God damnit! I didn’t realize I was supposed to send you the preview. I made a whole post. Sorry, Rob.
Anyone in any playoffs pools? Who did you load up on?
I ask because I’m doing a playoffs pool tomorrow. Yeah, I know, but, we get to do it live and it gives us all an excuse to be hammered in the afternoon.
I have every intention to load up on Caps.
I’m going to lose, aren’t I?
No worries.
Did you find the beer?
Damn. Just threw it at the net. Pure luck.
And?
And I wish I got a screen grab of the first fan they showed celebrating. Old, white guy looking unsure of what he what supposed to do.
[is old white guy unsure of what to do.]
Sounds redundant.
again.
And also
in like manner
Over and above
moreover, we could point out that he said it conjointly.
in perpetuity, ad nauseam, forever and ever.
http://www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/caps-celebrating.jpg
Does this mean I have to watch hockey? I don’t like doing that until the Stanley Cup finals.
Addendum to my semi-drunk thrown together preview last night: Just gonna say without reading any comments that I actually watched more Sharks games this year as opposed to last year. I was confident they were going back to the finals until about 2 months ago. They are lucky they had such a large lead because their play the last 2 months has been Cleveland Brown-esque.
Minnesota Wild has to be one of the cheesiest team names in sports. If it was up to me, they would still be the North Stars. (And I like the team a lot, especially ever since they moved their AHL team to my hometown).
It’s a shame Dallas is synonymous with the star. Otherwise, they’d have a different team name and Minnesota would rightfully be the North Stars.
Der Pumpkinczar can’t stop bashing on obummer, yet gladly takes credit for all things planned then that are now showing results. Oh and he also has no clue what the military is up to because he already knows moar than them so doesn’t need briefings. He’s gonna try and retcon Osama at this rate.
and his adoring public love it.
Which makes me think a second term is in the realm of possibility.
Nothing stirs up popularity like a war! Wait, shit, we’re actually going to get into WW3 to stroke his massive throbbing ego. Fuuuuuuck.
Greg Bird right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHK15wY72zY
Stanley Cup Overtime is great, if your team isnt playing. If they are, its a series of heart attacks.
JEEBUS FUCK CAPS…CLEAR THE FUCKING ZONE!!! FFS!!!!!!
I honestly have no fucking clue why I thought this year would be different.
I don’t know who to root against in this series. I love the yearly failure in the playoffs by the Caps, but I hate the Leafs and want all Canadian teams to lose every single game so the pundits on NHL network will cry
Announcer 1: “The Hawks have kept the puck in the Nashville zone for nearly 5 minutes straight”
A2: “Yeah, but it has been all one and done plays”
Do you know what one and done means in a hockey sense A2?
I’m gonna guess no?
Also, I’m tired of sitting at the poker table by me self.
No longer alone!
So what should we talk about?
Looks like we’ll need something to discuss at this rate.
we gots 4 now
We did.
UNTIL YOUR PISSY ASS LEFT IN A HUFF.
Get back in there.
Fine Hippo. Just don’t be surprised when you wake up to a burnt out Cub Cadet mower parked in your front yard tomorrow morning.
Dammit.
I have no idea what’s going on in the world where Aaron Hicks has a two-homer night and Peter Bourjos has also gone yard, but considering everything else it makes sense I guess.
And everyone wonders why we all hate the fucking Rangers.
Nice shot ya smoothie drinking pussies….
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Hockey+puck+hits+camera+greenish+gray+center+big1+3d+slapshot+big1+center+greenish+gray_69e5db_5454558.gif
That Fletcher cam had it too good for too long…
Every Canadia side is gonna lose every goddamned game, aren’t they?
Listening to that 2nd period, with the home team down ONE goal in game ONE…it was a fucking funeral home. DC sports fans (sorry Dok and other similarly situated Party members) are the fucking worst, a notion I picked up during my 19 months of working there (and have retained ever since).
I can’t disagree. I really miss the old Baltimore EHL teams.
Fuck DC.
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/092009/1251973651_frog-scratching.gif
http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/clapping-gif-12.gif
I hope everybody’s day went well at work.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bs2Hx9iifCo/VW0CP9sDKgI/AAAAAAAAHng/LHJdlTYsdRQ/s1600/Jeri-jeri-ryan-31490316-500-373.gif
http://ruinmyweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/funny-animated-gifs-best-gifs-jon-voight-anaconda-creepy-face.gif
YEAH BABY!!!!!
http://meme-lol.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Best-Funny-GIFS-Bread-and-butter-aaaaw-yeaaah.gif
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/01/chuckle.gif
http://funny-pictures-quotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/90a177e4-meanwhile-in-canada.gif
Ass tag…you’re it!!!!
http://38.media.tumblr.com/21d670958af39fa8fab59310554722db/tumblr_npegbpOpFt1qch5rvo2_500.gif
http://pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/tumblr_m1x9kxxL3D1r3gb3zo1_500.gif
…of two fine ruptured testicles.
http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/funny-family-guy-moments.gif
Don’t worry, I got dis…
http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2015/01/Geek-Nerd-Computer-Enough-Internet-Gamer-Gaming-Internet-South-Park-GIF.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWyoS8fppB0
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/864/711/e99.gif
Everytime I hear Kapanen, I think of Sami getting destroyed by Darcy Tucker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPY_9PtZ4Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZAqlx_9lv0
3 day weekend! Low Commander gon DRANK tonight!
http://25.media.tumblr.com/e61afd9c62e0e24247a66895622e896f/tumblr_mw065kEtAN1s02vreo1_400.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWd-jaoGILo
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/022010/1267017703_chicken-rape.gif
C’mere baby.
I mean look at how she was feathered, smgdh.
That’s what you get, naming that dog “Baylor”
Jeremy Roenicke’s face still looks rebuilt.
Sorry.
http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/07/Funny-GIF-Dude-MEME.gif
Is she a woman in her forties living in LA?
Actually, yes I think so.
http://www.gifbin.com/bin/032011/1299607576_cats-reaction-to-sound.gif
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gyZuyeUm6hs/UcmLgmqzibI/AAAAAAAAkts/Hm_iwByFoJA/s1600/001-funny-animal-gifs-owl.gif
Is it me or does it look like the Caps are fanning/misfiring on a lot of shots?
This is the hockey version of the weave and heave.
They do this every fucking year. FFS.
Oh goddammit Caps. Stop Capping already FFS!!!!!
THERE IT IS!!!!!!!!
Got one back.
‘Twasn’t a good day….
http://www.caravantimes.co.uk/photo/the-peterborough-based-family-returned-from-a-day-out-to-find-the-neighbour-s-lawnmower-on-fire–$14038636$326.jpg
Time for a tasty beverage?
Or 12
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/21900000/Buffy-Funny-GIFS-buffy-the-vampire-slayer-21951396-350-262.gif
1:35 in and the Lolcaps have shown up.
shut up
This is beautiful. Well done, boys!
Not sure what narrative I want to see end: The Ice Argonauts being bad, or the Ice Slurs being unable to get to round 3…