Good Night Sweet Patriot: Aaron Hernandez, 1989-2017

Aaron Hernandez was found dead this morning, apparently hanging himself with a bedsheet tied to his cell window. Reactions were immediate. “My heart is broken”, tweeted Latin Kings treasurer and superhero Tony Stark.

Friends remembered Aaron Hernandez the man, not the convicted murderer and cold case scapegoat. An inmate, who declined to provide his number, texted mournfully: “[Aa]Ron was very intelligent and generous. He could take half a Fresca and produce a liter of pruno ???”

Reached for comment, an unnamed spokesman for the Massachusetts Department of Corrections declared: “For all we knew, homicide was his thing. This tragedy completely blindsided us”. Upon being questioned about the security measures at the prison and if Hernandez was being treated humanely, the DOC became defensive: “Massachusetts is the only state in this great nation that requires motel-quality blankets for all inmates. It is unreasonable to expect correction officers to anticipate all possible misuses of hospitality-grade thread counts”.

When reached through a popular but staggeringly clunky and unsecure IM provider, a self-described “close friend” of Hernandez texted: “Aaron will be sorely missed. We really needed him against the [Aryan] Brotherhood, as he was a natural power forward willing to shoot whenever. ??”

In a written press release, the New England Patriots extended their condolences to the Hernandez family and all murder victims, whether actual or alleged. The press release also announced that, for the next three days, the Patriots’ Foxboro headquarters will fly the team flag at half mast.

Taking a different tack, the Hispanic Heritage Foundation issued a written statement of appreciation for Mr. Hernandez’s life. It read in part: “Aaron Hernandez lived forgoing any and all inclinations to talk about his Puerto Rican heritage. He even demanded a correction to a 2010 Sacramento Bee article on the NFL Combine that called him ‘Aarón Hernández’. […] He was a man committed to immerse himself in American culture and values, which found its highest expression in Hernandez’s love of guns and their intended purpose”. In a follow-up phone call, an HHF spokesman expounded on other athletes who blazed the “glorious trail” of not making any deal whatsoever about their Latin heritage, “like quarterback Markus San Chez [sic]”.

A thorough investigation into the incident is already underway. TMZ just confirmed that it culled from Facebook all selfies taken by the correctional officers who were first responders at the scene. State authorities remarked “Sure, eventually” to questions about whether they will also investigate. “But we don’t expect outside help from the FBI or other agencies, since no NFL memorabilia was lost”.

The NFL reached out to Hernandez’s family to offer condolences, along with written releases for immediate cremation. “It’s just a formality”, stated by phone an unnamed officer with knowledge of Roger Goodell’s inner machinations. “Our purpose is to let the family grieve, unburdened from associated logistics and costs, for example, body transfer, funeral arrangements, cte… I mean E T C, like et cetera”.

Banner via everyjoe.com; flag by Uskok.deviantart.com

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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[…] FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Good Night Sweet Patriot […]

Duchess

So tomorrow is 4/20 aka Hitlers Birthday. What are the odds that Trump or Spicer flub tomorrow with something like “Today is such a momentous day”?

Dick E. Phuck

Hell is gonna get a pretty stacked squad over the next 30-40 years.

Unsurprised

Until Goodell gets there and fucks it all up.

Romonobyl

Well, don’t forget he had a pretty rough start.
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Romonobyl

I know, that was Cuba.

Trevor Semen

I was just told that he would be out indefinitely with a neck injury

JerBear50

No chance. Pats will still list him as questionable.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am sad and angry that Mr. Balls Skulloctopussy logo was cultrally appropriated by those fucking assholes.
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LemonJello

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Romonobyl

“Whattaya mean he still had his pants on?”
/David Carradine

litre_cola

I agree – M. Hutchence

LemonJello

“No pants?” /unzips
“How old?” /zips back up
-J. Sandusky

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Wait! I had a choice?!?”

-Rainey Bethea

SonOfSpam

Terrific stuff Don! Or, as your people say, “Me gustaría tener sexo con tu madre.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was funnier that hell! Well done.

makeitsnowondem

God damn, Don.

Unsurprised

On one hand, suicide is always terrible.

On the other, fuck him. He was a Cheatriot. I guess he figured the only way they’d hang up his jersey is if he were still wearing it.

SonOfSpam

Suicide’s not always terrible; for example, Hitler or Bill O’Reilly’s career.

Unsurprised

The act and the mentality leading to it, as an abstract idea is. This is especially disconcerting to me since it generally occurs as the result of either mental illness or trauma. Additionally, and for as much as I shit on him nowadays, Drew’s column this morning of murder or suicide as an intentional or willfully indifferent result of state violence is almost always cruel and evil and unacceptable in a civilized society.

However, I fully endorse specific people killing themselves. I genuinely wish crippling pain and death on them.

Wakezilla

Love him or hate him, the only shooter more accurate than Aaron was Steph Curry,

Alternate joke: Hernandez: This is how you choke yourself to death.
Washington Capitals: Hold my beer.

laserguru
Senor Weaselo

Didn’t Tawmmy from Quinzee wear that last year? With a lower-case t for “Time to leave”?

Unsurprised

And on fire, to emphasize the urgency of it.

SonOfSpam

Add a hat and you’ve got a nice MAGA outfit.

Senor Weaselo

Today is apparently National Hanging Out Day, dedicated to hanging your laundry out on a clothesline. Seems someone misread the memo.

Alternate joke: THIS AARON HERNANDEZ I CALL HIM UNMENTIONABLES BECAUSE HIS EX-TEAMMATES DON’T WANT TO BRING HIM UP AND HE HUNG HIMSELF OUT ON A LINE!

(No, I’m serious.)
https://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/days-2/national-hanging-out-day-april-19/

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

He really just wanted to hang out with his bluntmaster on 4/20.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like a “bluntmaster” is someone that Ray Lewis would consider to be a mortal enemy.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not to pile on, but…

List of Ray Lewis’ Mortal Enemies:

1. The Devil
2. Atlanta limo cleaning services
3. Bluntmasters
4. Anyone standing between him and a camera

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I appreciate your use of the expression “pile on” when talking about Ray Lewis.

Sharkbait

Aaron Hernandez (Neck) Out Indefinitely.

Romonobyl

Dark and delicious.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Excellent use of flags.

https://youtu.be/_9W1zTEuKLY

ballsofsteelandfury

We’re all agreed that Hernandez didn’t even speak Spanish, right? So, we can safely not consider him Latino/Puerto Rican, right?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Horatio Cornblower

He went to high school in Bristol. There’s no way he doesn’t speak Spanish. Just not well.

The same probably holds true for English.

What I’m trying to say is that Bristol is a shithole and everyone who lives there is a congenital idiot.

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, he doesn’t ANYMORE.

Wakezilla

Oh no, don’t be George Zimmermaning this guy

nomonkeyfun

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SonOfSpam

Fuck that…we own Trump, you gotta own Hernandez.

Horatio Cornblower

My son is at college and is roommate is a HUGE Patriots fan, as in “Tom Brady would never cheat”, “Hernandez was framed”, “Belichek didn’t order the Code Red”, that kind of crap.

So roommate is at class this morning when the news breaks. Comes back into the room and son says “Hey, did you hear Hernandez is getting out of prison today?” Roommate is excited, “NO WAY!” How?”

And my son says “Probably in a bag. He hung himself.”

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m so proud of your son.

/ tear drop

You have taught him well.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve been singing ‘Cats’s In The Cradle’ all morning.

litre_cola

Tattoed tear drop?

sunrisesunrise

This is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Simply amazing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am going to be laughing about this one all day long.

Unsurprised

Your son is a great man.

SonOfSpam

I suddenly have hope for the next generation. (Not the roommate, that guy sucks)

King Hippo

The Greatest Story EVAR Told.

blackroseMD1

That is brutal and amazing. Well played by your son.

Horatio Cornblower

Direct quote from my son: “I brought him up just to rip him right down.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Has ANY comment on this site ever received more likes than this one?

Unsurprised

Fuck it. The whole thing needs to be a banner quote.

Romonobyl

He said that like a genuine Cowboy fan. Well done sir.

Dick E. Phuck

If I were the dean I’d give your son a degree right now, summa cum laude.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hey, man, I know I’m dead and everything, and I know this isn’t Request Line, but would it possible to get you guys to spin one last song for me?”

– Aaron Hernandez

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARiiO_41Id8

laserguru

I think we need to show a little more compassion and remember him with this solemn hymn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxK1MUK8AlM

JerBear50
JerBear50