Aaron Hernandez was found dead this morning, apparently hanging himself with a bedsheet tied to his cell window. Reactions were immediate. “My heart is broken”, tweeted Latin Kings treasurer and superhero Tony Stark.
Friends remembered Aaron Hernandez the man, not the convicted murderer and cold case scapegoat. An inmate, who declined to provide his number, texted mournfully: “[Aa]Ron was very intelligent and generous. He could take half a Fresca and produce a liter of pruno ???”
Reached for comment, an unnamed spokesman for the Massachusetts Department of Corrections declared: “For all we knew, homicide was his thing. This tragedy completely blindsided us”. Upon being questioned about the security measures at the prison and if Hernandez was being treated humanely, the DOC became defensive: “Massachusetts is the only state in this great nation that requires motel-quality blankets for all inmates. It is unreasonable to expect correction officers to anticipate all possible misuses of hospitality-grade thread counts”.
When reached through a popular but staggeringly clunky and unsecure IM provider, a self-described “close friend” of Hernandez texted: “Aaron will be sorely missed. We really needed him against the [Aryan] Brotherhood, as he was a natural power forward willing to shoot whenever. ??”
In a written press release, the New England Patriots extended their condolences to the Hernandez family and all murder victims, whether actual or alleged. The press release also announced that, for the next three days, the Patriots’ Foxboro headquarters will fly the team flag at half mast.
Taking a different tack, the Hispanic Heritage Foundation issued a written statement of appreciation for Mr. Hernandez’s life. It read in part: “Aaron Hernandez lived forgoing any and all inclinations to talk about his Puerto Rican heritage. He even demanded a correction to a 2010 Sacramento Bee article on the NFL Combine that called him ‘Aarón Hernández’. […] He was a man committed to immerse himself in American culture and values, which found its highest expression in Hernandez’s love of guns and their intended purpose”. In a follow-up phone call, an HHF spokesman expounded on other athletes who blazed the “glorious trail” of not making any deal whatsoever about their Latin heritage, “like quarterback Markus San Chez [sic]”.
A thorough investigation into the incident is already underway. TMZ just confirmed that it culled from Facebook all selfies taken by the correctional officers who were first responders at the scene. State authorities remarked “Sure, eventually” to questions about whether they will also investigate. “But we don’t expect outside help from the FBI or other agencies, since no NFL memorabilia was lost”.
The NFL reached out to Hernandez’s family to offer condolences, along with written releases for immediate cremation. “It’s just a formality”, stated by phone an unnamed officer with knowledge of Roger Goodell’s inner machinations. “Our purpose is to let the family grieve, unburdened from associated logistics and costs, for example, body transfer, funeral arrangements, cte… I mean E T C, like et cetera”.
Banner via everyjoe.com; flag by Uskok.deviantart.com
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So tomorrow is 4/20 aka Hitlers Birthday. What are the odds that Trump or Spicer flub tomorrow with something like “Today is such a momentous day”?
Hell is gonna get a pretty stacked squad over the next 30-40 years.
Until Goodell gets there and fucks it all up.
Well, don’t forget he had a pretty rough start.
I know, that was Cuba.
I was just told that he would be out indefinitely with a neck injury
No chance. Pats will still list him as questionable.
https://youtu.be/3C5xLFreUVc
I am sad and angry that Mr. Balls Skulloctopussy logo was cultrally appropriated by those fucking assholes.
“Whattaya mean he still had his pants on?”
/David Carradine
I agree – M. Hutchence
“No pants?” /unzips
“How old?” /zips back up
-J. Sandusky
“Wait! I had a choice?!?”
-Rainey Bethea
Terrific stuff Don! Or, as your people say, “Me gustaría tener sexo con tu madre.”
Bring lube. And a papal bull titled “Receiving the Grace of Christ through Mercy Fucks”.
That was funnier that hell! Well done.
Well that’s where I’m headed. Maybe I’ll hook up with Nancy Reagan. With Ronnie watching.
/Thanks man.
God damn, Don.
On one hand, suicide is always terrible.
On the other, fuck him. He was a Cheatriot. I guess he figured the only way they’d hang up his jersey is if he were still wearing it.
Suicide’s not always terrible; for example, Hitler or Bill O’Reilly’s career.
The act and the mentality leading to it, as an abstract idea is. This is especially disconcerting to me since it generally occurs as the result of either mental illness or trauma. Additionally, and for as much as I shit on him nowadays, Drew’s column this morning of murder or suicide as an intentional or willfully indifferent result of state violence is almost always cruel and evil and unacceptable in a civilized society.
However, I fully endorse specific people killing themselves. I genuinely wish crippling pain and death on them.
Love him or hate him, the only shooter more accurate than Aaron was Steph Curry,
Alternate joke: Hernandez: This is how you choke yourself to death.
Washington Capitals: Hold my beer.
I’m already working on my Aaron Hernandez Halloween costume.
It’s coming along nicely.
http://www.thesavinglifestyle.com/gallery/how-to-make-cheap-halloween-costumes-at-home-pictures/How-to-Make-Cheap-Halloween-Costumes-at-Home-Picture-2.jpg
Didn’t Tawmmy from Quinzee wear that last year? With a lower-case t for “Time to leave”?
And on fire, to emphasize the urgency of it.
Add a hat and you’ve got a nice MAGA outfit.
Today is apparently National Hanging Out Day, dedicated to hanging your laundry out on a clothesline. Seems someone misread the memo.
Alternate joke: THIS AARON HERNANDEZ I CALL HIM UNMENTIONABLES BECAUSE HIS EX-TEAMMATES DON’T WANT TO BRING HIM UP AND HE HUNG HIMSELF OUT ON A LINE!
(No, I’m serious.)
https://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/days-2/national-hanging-out-day-april-19/
He really just wanted to hang out with his bluntmaster on 4/20.
I feel like a “bluntmaster” is someone that Ray Lewis would consider to be a mortal enemy.
Not to pile on, but…
List of Ray Lewis’ Mortal Enemies:
1. The Devil
2. Atlanta limo cleaning services
3. Bluntmasters
4. Anyone standing between him and a camera
I appreciate your use of the expression “pile on” when talking about Ray Lewis.
5. Snitches hataz
Aaron Hernandez (Neck) Out Indefinitely.
Dark and delicious.
Excellent use of flags.
https://youtu.be/_9W1zTEuKLY
We’re all agreed that Hernandez didn’t even speak Spanish, right? So, we can safely not consider him Latino/Puerto Rican, right?
He went to high school in Bristol. There’s no way he doesn’t speak Spanish. Just not well.
The same probably holds true for English.
What I’m trying to say is that Bristol is a shithole and everyone who lives there is a congenital idiot.
Well, he doesn’t ANYMORE.
Well, apparently Hernandez shot someone over a spilled drink.
.
.
.
No comment.
Oh no, don’t be George Zimmermaning this guy
Fuck that…we own Trump, you gotta own Hernandez.
My son is at college and is roommate is a HUGE Patriots fan, as in “Tom Brady would never cheat”, “Hernandez was framed”, “Belichek didn’t order the Code Red”, that kind of crap.
So roommate is at class this morning when the news breaks. Comes back into the room and son says “Hey, did you hear Hernandez is getting out of prison today?” Roommate is excited, “NO WAY!” How?”
And my son says “Probably in a bag. He hung himself.”
I’m so proud of your son.
/ tear drop
You have taught him well.
I’ve been singing ‘Cats’s In The Cradle’ all morning.
Tattoed tear drop?
This is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Simply amazing.
I am going to be laughing about this one all day long.
Your son is a great man.
I suddenly have hope for the next generation. (Not the roommate, that guy sucks)
The Greatest Story EVAR Told.
That is brutal and amazing. Well played by your son.
Direct quote from my son: “I brought him up just to rip him right down.”
Has ANY comment on this site ever received more likes than this one?
Fuck it. The whole thing needs to be a banner quote.
He said that like a genuine Cowboy fan. Well done sir.
If I were the dean I’d give your son a degree right now, summa cum laude.
“Hey, man, I know I’m dead and everything, and I know this isn’t Request Line, but would it possible to get you guys to spin one last song for me?”
– Aaron Hernandez
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARiiO_41Id8
I think we need to show a little more compassion and remember him with this solemn hymn.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxK1MUK8AlM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5Zpmaz2OKE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4vJM4L2D2U