Happy 4th of July everybody!
I imagine that around this time most everybody has been properly lubricated and has consumed the proper ingestibles, overindulged on grilled proteins and have applied various intoxicating substances of choice to lighten the mood and to better prepare you for the evening fireworks display.
That’s good!
It is here that I remind everyone to let the professionals handle the fireworks shows. Don’t be a JPP!
As a reminder of the potential dangers of fireworks here is the Consumer Products Safety Commission’s annual Fireworks safety video.
Be forewarned! While it is slightly disturbing it is even more goddamn hilarious to watch.
So I hope everyone’s long weekend has been going well so far.
Did I mention that I had to work on the 3rd?
I did?
Yeah, it was as fucked as I expected.
I did have a fun experience over the weekend that I thought I would share. My youngest granddaughter’s birthday is today! Happy 1st birthday Kiddo! We actually celebrated it on Sunday the 2nd. The party involved a long ass round trip to San Diego and back but it was worth it.
I wanted to give the wee little yowun a nice first birthday present so I decided to purchase this!
This is a Whisper Ride II buggy that she can ride around in. It even has a cup holder that perfectly holds a 12 oz can of beer!
I ordered this from Amazon, like pretty much everything else I order online. When I received it here is what I got.
These are obviously big sellers in the deep South since the “mom” on the box looks like she’s a fucking 12 year old!
Anyway, I hadn’t exactly anticipated that this would require some assembly. In retrospect I should have absolutely expected some assembly.
I have to share a secret here.
I fucking SUCK at putting things together. Whatever I have in culinary talents are completely lost when translating to repairing, fixing or assembling things. I also can’t wrap presents FOR SHIT!
So on Saturday the day before the party I decided to take a look at the contents of the box and try to assemble the car before the birthday party. There were several bags with washers and screws and wheels and gaskets and things and the instructions looked exactly like this!
There are no goddamn words for the instructions. There are just these shit awful photos for the instructions. Look at the lack of quality on that photo! These look like a 14th generation photocopy of instructions. I can’t even tell what the first photo is trying to say! Is that something on the main body of the car? Is it something on one of the wheels? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?
I was utterly fucking lost and had no goddamn clue where to start.
Then I remembered. Youtube! Holy shit, isn’t there like a video for every-fucking-thing ever on Youtube? To the computer I went. Of course there are videos for the assembly! Fuck yes.
Breathing a sigh of relief I sat down and proceeded to watch this video.
Before watching- you only need to watch the first minute or so to get the gist – I am absolutely astounded that someone hasn’t put a hit out on this fucking woman’s head.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TOY CAR LADY?!?
Do you think that shit is funny? Huh? Do you?
I literally almost melted down in fucking furor over this. Great assembly instructions asshole!
In the end, I completely just gave the fuck up. Fortunately for me, my oldest brother (wrongest right) is pretty skilled with putting things together so I let him handle the details and it only cost me the price of lunch.
I did put on the stickers though so I totally was involved.
The baby loved the hell out of it and the steering wheel lasted about 30 minutes before it came off. I’ll let my daughter fix it.
So I know that our Beerguy Rob likes to include little historical bits about Canada when the day is appropriate and I have to admit I’ve learned a great deal about the history of Canada from these items right before forgetting the facts completely so I figured I would throw out some of my own in the New American Facts style that we’ve recently adopted.
The Bill of Rights was adopted by the Founding Fathers of our country as a general outline in which laws, governance and responsibilities will be adopted to our recently born country. The founding fathers were also known as “Framers” due to their uncanny ability to create intricate, detailed picture frames with their own original artwork.
Here’s a Ben Franklin original frame.
The reason we needed to establish new laws was the country only recently became an independent nation after long being governed by the Norwegians. Norway wasn’t really interested in keeping our country since building fjords in the Mojave Desert proved problematic.
After paying off the Norwegians with a lifetime supply of Little Debbie snack cakes
and promising to never launch nuclear weapons at them we thought we had achieved our freedom. It was only after a few extra days of deliberating with Norway when they also insisted on the entire musical catalog of Jim Hendrix CDs as well, that we finally became a true and free country. They drove a hard bargain. I’m pretty sure they caved when we threatened to bring in the California surf punks and Eskimos for support.
The Eskimos threatened using walruses.
Sports!
I hope you like baseball because there is a fucking shit load of it on today.
Now let’s get in there and started celebrating properly!
Let’s do this motherfucker!
*fun fact about the band “X”. They’ve been together for 40 years and have maintained the original line-up the entire time! Massive respect for their work with the early LA punk rockabilly movement.
Somebody noticed.
PEACE!
This is my brain on drugs. The black lines are suppressed memories.
I went with the strategy of literally hiding in a corner while the automated guys won the first fight, you can heal them from outside the battle
I love exploits
Being drunk and doing the 2 toughest battles in the game was a good idea. I am gonna stick with this
(REJECTS YOU IN SPANISH)
JerBear has me worried for my life now and I have no will.. All of my poker chips go to my friend tWBS because he needs them. I know they will be gone in a week to various other people. The rest of my stuff is just old systems and parts to fix every old computer. And a lot of retro gaming stuff. And a nice TV. I give you all free reign.
Kill or be killed. Who knew Wisconsin life was so ruthless?
It was him implying my dad was a secret Nazi but run with it being on JerBear if you want
/reread it I meant it in the not dick way
I take everything here in jest unless I don’t.
I love that the KGB political officer in The Hunt For The Red October is named Putin.
I appreciate that the people in my neighborhood chose five minutes ago to begin setting off theirs. It sounds like the inside of a shooting range from where I’m sitting.
I wouldn’t even mind if I could fucking see them go off. Instead it’s just echoes and noise. All sound, no fury.
Here’s what I saw while I was high:
Multiply that times fifty and you saw the whole show. These are timed exposures varying from 3 to 5 seconds. I shot 180 of ’em total.
As you stoners would say, it was “far out” and “groovy.”
Nicely done…sincerely.
I didn’t even bother to fuck around with the camera this year. I just got high and kinda….well, got higher.
Then the family finally left. And i got even higher.
Where is my fucking camera, anyway?
I never noticed the power lines. Oh well, I only do this for fun. I could paint them out if I ever wanted to print one. But they did come out nicely. I just held the shutter open and counted to 3 or 5 or until a burst stop. And have I mentioned I was high.
Every time I’ve tried that it looks like Michael J. Fox took the photos.
Tripod!
Check out Ansel Fucking Adams over here.
Nice. Very nice.
I took a few, but I was watching from a lit stairwell and the optics were just a fucking mess for my phone and I still haven’t gotten a good grasp on using ProCam. Did I ever mention that my brother is also a better storyteller than I am? He got all the talent. Anyway, nice work. Next yet I’ll make it work.
I need to hang out on the beach along the Columbia River next year. The fireworks on the Washington side over east Vancouver were much better than the Portland waterfront ones.
Meanwhile, from the stairwell, western Vancouver looked like this:
Evening/morning. Back from a BBQ where we didn’t know the hosts, only the couple that invited us. Shockingly good time, and I had the right amount of Great Divide beers. How’s shakes around these parts?
Just got puked on for the 1st time by the baby so I got that going for me.
Good aim.
Was it “the right amount”…?
/asking for BFC
Is “all of them” the right amount?
Since I was driving, the right amount was three.
You agreed to a “we” holiday and it doesn’t even earn you a DD? I hope there will be other compensation.
How do you scold your dad for putting you in danger thrice a month by leaving the oven and/or stove on? He has a problem.
Yeah, that can be a problem. I’ve been there, little you can do besides making sure someone is watching his back.
Probably not a big deal. He’s not German, right?
Niiiiiice.
Our last name is Matz…
If he starts “forgetting” to turn off the gas in the shower, he might be trying to send you a message.
I also have booze left, but I don’t feel like drinking anymore. I can only assume that’s a good sign?
Ah they did the old wait until 9:30 gambit before starting the fire works.
Good show that.
Rather.
I have plenty of booze left. I think I might be out of chaser. Or my normal chaser, I know I bought some 75 cent Diet Cork 2 liters when I couldn’t make it to my store and one is in the fridge.
Diet Cork is OK, but I prefer Dr. Pipper.
Up here the fake supermarket stuff is dr. Skipper.
Since we’re doing helpful fucking kitchen hints:
Order some decent vanilla beans online.
Cut about four (five if smallish) in half and slice lengthwise.
Put in a clean, sealable glass bottle with about a cup of vodka, beans must be submerged.
Cap it and store in a cool, dark place for about 2 months.
Filter through some cheesecloth or a coffee filter and return to the bottle.
Best fucking vanilla extract…period.
So Brick, how’s the weed?
I just came back in from watching fireworks. Not too bad!
But is it full of stars?
A reference to Don T’s gif, also shows my age.
I wish my building had a rooftop deck like every other building in the neighborhood.
I figured I would just give you the salad dressing thing. It is a real simple dressing. This is for a salad for 4-6 people. Put 1/2 cup of vinegar and 1/2 cup of vegetable oil, don’t use a fancier oil, it almost never works, in a measuring cup, add 1 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of pepper and 1 teaspoon of salt. Mix the shit out of it with a fork and you are done.
That is the recipe version, the real version is this if you want to get it right. Do the oil and vinegar then pour an almost quarter sized amount of garlic powder floating in the middle. Grab your pepper and pour slowly onto that floating garlic until it sinks. Stir and see how it looks, it should’t be too clear or too murky in pepper. I honestly have no way of saying what that is unless you have done it. Add the salt, go for more or less if you want, and stir again. Stir again immediately before putting it on the salad too.
Anything with garlic makes me happy.
I use a similar one, except with lemon juice instead of vinegar.
I might try that
Nice. Similar to one I use, but I swap out salt for Old Bay.
Baltimore….we’re weird.
My living room is just out of the line of sight of the fireworks if I go by NYE and what I vaguely recall of last year (Fuck. It’s been a year already.) so I may have to actually leave the building.
C’mon man. Where are my fucking fireworks?
I don’t ask for much.
Fuck!
Are you at home? I’d think you’d have a several mile radius ban due to LAX…?
We usually have the El Segundo shit right near the high school but we don’t have shit this year.
The fuck?
I’ve got some women’s beach volleyball photos from El Segundo (taken the same day, before we met for beers) I could provide. Not fireworks, but not bad.
I was kinda saving them for a special TGISF tho.
Haven’t been in that area for some time, but is “El Segundo” ever not followed by the term “shit”?
Simple, just call your wife by an old girlfriend’s name then stand back and enjoy.
Watching Kimmel. Holy shit is Dakota Fanning white!!! This chick is so pale she makes me look like Luther Vandross.
Watched the local news. My favorite scorching-hot female anchor keeps talking about the BIG BANG! celebration downtown. Still trying to deflate this awkward boner.
!Agnizab
I am going to make myself fat if I continue baking for writing. Maybe Salad with Litre would work.
“This Week in Celery!!!!!”
“Brussel Sprouts and You!!!!”
The Quinoa Quarterly?
Heil Kale
Bring the beets back.
I know you are joking but if you know a salad mix and a dressing to go with that my fat (well, I actually finally relost those 20 lbs I gained) ass would enjoy it. I have a real simple dressing that everyone loves I could share. I would have to make sure on some of the measurements though because I haven’t measured it since I was like 10. I just know when it is right.
Ahem.
Same here, unfortunately the results have remained unchanged.
Share away my good man. I enjoy taking others ideas in the kitchen.
Ahem
What he said. I’ve got nothing against a decent salad.
OH COME ON!!!!!!
At no point did I make any reference to the word “tossed” in the submission being questioned, therefore I insist that you cease and desist on any further commentary.
The defense rests…
And yet….
You knew exactly the reference to which my protestation was directed.
Cross examined. Boom.
So I guess we’re all a bunch of perverts. We’ll simply have to agree to agree.
Also not to scale.
Not to scale.
We know.
You misspelled “penus”.
Back home, on my last beer. However, I have lots of bourbon. Stoopid Pennsyltucky and your obtuse alcohol laws.
Hits at midnight here. Many a night I’ve been standing in line holding a sixer at 11:59 behind some jackass picking out lottery scratch-offs.
Hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th.
Cheers.
Cuter than “Romo’s Pot”.
Just saying.
Based only on one photo I want our dogs to become friends. I warn you mine is insanely needy for human attention and pathetic, but somehow the alpha male with any groups of dogs. Every dog he has met straight up follows his stupid plans.
Zorro (not my idea) loves human interaction. When my son brings his buddies over that dog loses his tiny little mind over all the attention.
Mine is named Rajah technically, my almost step siblings initially adopted him. I use Fluffs, Pups, Jerk Dog or Dog most of the time (and one or two others). He responds to them like 10 times better than his “actual” name
Mine already has a nickname. Usually it’s Shithead…
My cat answers to “You fucking moron cat”.
Seriously.
LMFAO….really happy you included the handy arrow. I wouldn’t have wanted to mistake who was, in fact, the dog.
Dame Nobyl is actually much cuter than just that weird-angled picture of her ear.
Yes, I do strangely find the left 10% of her head to be quite fetching, indeed.
What, you aren’t impressed by the barely visible swatch of my brown hair fashionable flecked with natural gray highlights?
Haha…I’ve got my own batch of gray so no…not impressed.
Why yes, my dog is freaking the fuck out hearing the “banned” fireworks in my neighborhood, thanks for asking.
Mine too. I’m about to walk over and initiate a Louisville discussion.
Unzips pants – Rick Pitino
I just got back from taking care of my dog because of the same thing
The baking is complete, my place is like an oven.
Define “baking”.
Yes.
Loud and clear.
“I’ll let my daughter fix it.”
Amen, Mr. right. Amen. ?
You mean the helpless theater seat you mercilessly destroyed (well, distressed a bit, maybe) with your violent fisticuffs?
In my defense, I hadn’t let The Hulks win in a long time. But it was a movie man. A movie!
Fuck Photobucket.
This one worked for me
Same here, but ruined the spontaneity of the moment.
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE TIMING…PPL FORGET THAT!!!!
Oh fuck that!
Photobucket taps at 100%? What a gloree boy.
Site was a pain in the ass anyway. I took your earlier advice and moved to Postimage.org. I owe you one.
I got that from someone here. But the lizard erotica cache was my idea.
Somebody had to do it.
I slept the beer and pizza off for pretty much the entire afternoon. Is the world still in one piece?
Not if N. Korea has anything to do with it.
I just remembered when I was a little kid, my neighbor (teenager) sat on a cinder block that his brother had put a firecracker or M80 or something in because he wasn’t paying attention and it blew his ass up. I don’t think he was crippled for life or anything, but I do remember him going to the ER.
I’m on my phone and therefore too lazy/incompetent to post images but I’m at the grandparents’ because their balcony overlooks the city. We’re getting looks of the Macy’s show, either Flushing or Brooklyn, and a little of the Bronx.
Here’s my pot I took out of the freezer last night just to photograph it. It’s still out. The bowl has never been used. The last time I smoked pot was probably 5 years ago at least.
I got a cookout across the street and later I can watch big fireworks a block away. I don’t need to drive anywhere and I can walk for anything.
I think I’m gonna get high tonight.
I mean have fun, and I love the fact you even labeled it as Brick’s pot in the photo, but a metal pipe?
Pot Brick
I got a big fat joint too (not pictured)
Your penis has nothing to do with this.
I haven’t seen a metal pipe since we tied onions to our belt which was the style at the time.
Bongs; get with 1970s technology.
So I should stop with the onion thing then? Can I at least keep garlic in my pocket for the vampires?
So’s that car turbocharged or what?
Not with my lame ass trying to put it together.
You can play that youtube video at like half speed speed, don’t think it will actually help with instructions though; she didn’t even fill up the power steering fluid.
An hour and a half in to the muse for Baking with Litre II and I am stoned and sweaty.
Shit doesn’t write itself, does it?
It is in the oven, It is 88 degrees in our condo plus I just turned the oven and dishwasher on, but I am stoned, and decilitre is asleep.
No air conditioner? I’d die without mine. Well, not die, but sure as fuck move!
The Padres are winning 1-0? What is this, 2010?!
Here’s a snapshot I took on Friday:
It’s Long Beach (almost Wilmington) California. There were high clouds and a low fog bank and sun in between. -1 2/3 base exposure, with just a little dodge/burn in the middle and a top third grad.
That’s near my old hood of San Pedro. Beautiful shot.
YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!
Posted all me firework fail gifs on the Tina Erotic Fiction post…… thus keeping in the theme of fail.
I’ve stayed the fuck indoors and either slept, watched movies, or worked out. Its been an awesome 4 days.
You are the envy of married men all the world wide.
for the record that’s not an original Ben Franklin it’s an original Mark Ryden.
I fucking love Mark Ryden.
I just bought a new grill and a stand and had the instructions with no words. Is this what we have become? Fuck I almost threw the damn thing off the balcony. I NEED THINGS EXPLAINED BBQ MAN!
I really am that horrible with assembly but I used to have a fighting chance with written word instruction.
Yeah, we’re basically fucked.
What the hell is le grille?
Easier than translating into 10 different languages.
Heading out to an event. Just stopping in to say hi to y’all and remind ya’s to not get any DUIs.
Or, if you do, deal with getting ripped on for it.
I managed to not fuck up on the grill. Hooray for me, hooray for Zoidberg?
Never fuck on a grill.
Is that a thing I don’t know about?
He is celebrating in his own way for sure