Your “Holy Shit It’s Viper!” Thursday Afternoon Thread

Greetings from sunny Rialto, California.  That’s not where I am right now – it’s where I’ll be when this open thread posts.  The forecast for today calls for a high of 103°, and I’ll be working outdoors.

(Rikki-Tikki-Deadly – Artist’s Conception)

The work is relatively straightforward, and I should be able to hide in my car and crank the air conditioning, so I suppose I’ll survive.  I’m not jealous of NFL players, though, who will be suffering…[touches earpiece]…WHAT?  TRAINING CAMP DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER THREE WEEKS?  GODDAMN IT WILL THIS INFERNAL OFFSEASON NEVER END?

With no football news worthy of mentioning (the top NFL story on ESPN.com right now is something by Darren Rovell about how Derek Carr’s bonus for deferring some salary until the team arrives in Las Vegas), all basketball news having to do with meaningless trades and salary cap issues (it’s going to be Warriors-Cavaliers from here on out until Obliteration of the Self catches on and Eastasia gets into the game), all the hockey rinks having melted into puddles of blue-tinged slush, and baseball being baseball, let’s turn our eyes to a sport that often goes unappreciated around here: tennis.

I’ve often held that tennis is one of the best tests of athleticism.  Unlike a lot of other sports, being big doesn’t automatically make you better at tennis.  It might make you better at certain aspects of tennis, but it’s not a guarantee of success.

(pictured: John Isner, who measures in at 6’10” but has never won a Grand Slam)

Being fast is good too, but it’s not the end-all be-all.

(pictured: David Ferrer, one of the fastest players on tour but who also has never won a Grand Slam)

Not even having giant boobs can give you that much of an edge.

(pictured: Simona Halep, who climbed all the way to #2 in the rankings after having breast reduction surgery)

Your best bet: being a hyper-competitive dickhead.

(pictured: Lleyton Hewitt, one of the most hated athletes in the game.  Also winner of two Grand Slam titles.)

Anyhow, Wimbledon is in full swing, so you should be watching it.  Have fun out there.