ALL RISE! The DFO Mailbag of Law and Fantasy Football is Now In Session (please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the page).

Greetings Dick Joke Enthusiasts.  It’s your old pal TrollSoHardUniversity.  As some of you know, I’m licensed attorney and a fantasy football mastermind.    Last January, I came in fourth place in my league.  Also in last January,  I wrote a Facebook post, the purpose of which was to offer  some advice to friends who were going to protest the inauguration of that jaundiced twat Our Dear Leader.  The internet, as it is wont to do, got a hold of it and it was shared a few thousand times, giving me my previously withheld fifteen minutes of fame.  Now I’m hooked on internet attention and I’ve been chasing dragon ever since.

I’m gonna be here every week to answer all of your law and law-adjacent questions and give you some advice about your fantasy football conundrums.  From quarterbacks to quartering soldiers, from draft order to draft cards, no question is too dumb.

I consulted our writers Slack channel for the inaugural column and got two questions. Both of the questioners will be kept anonymous (for now):

“If someone writes about, say, a professional sports commissioner being into sodomy with vegetables, what is the legal risk/how solid are the satire first amendment protections? Asking for a friend. Also, what’s your thought on keeping two top TEs (Kelce and Graham) in a keeper league?”

I love libel/defamation issues surrounding public figures because it gives me an excuse to post this:

I think you’re on pretty solid ground.  The same protections that afford Deadspin the right to say that Craig James killed five hookers while at SMU  are the same protections that allowed Larry Flynt to say that Jerry Falwell fornicated with his mother in an outhouse apply to your (possibly truthful) assertion that the Ginger Hammer stuffs pineapples up his own butt. The protections for satirical content about public figures is rock-solid.  In New York Times Co. v. Sullivan 376 U.S. 254 (1964), the Supreme Court unanimously held that a news organization could not be sued for libel by public figures unless their speech is both false and made with “actual malice”, i.e., with knowledge of its falsehood or with reckless disregard for the truth of the statement. This case dramatically expanded protections against the potential chilling of First Amendment rights via libel and defamation suits.   In  Hustler Magazine v. Falwell 485 U.S. 46 (1988), the Supreme Court unanimously (Justice Kennedy recused himself from consideration and I will let your gutter-dwelling minds guess as to why) upheld New York Times v. Sullivan and explicitly included satire as protected by the First Amendment.  The Court found that restricting even false statements improperly restricts free speech becausse the “breathing space” that freedom of expression requires in order to flourish must tolerate occasional false statements, lest there be an intolerable chilling effect on speech that does have constitutional value.  On a side note, think about this:  Chief Justice Rehnquist, joined by (among others) Justices Antonin Scalia, Sandra Day O’Connor, and Thurgood Marshall stood tall and protected our right to write smut-fic about the Rog.  ‘MURICA!

As far as your tight end situation goes, it really depends on what round pick you’d have to give up to keep them and if you can start a TE in the flex position.  If you’re in a league where you have to give up your first two picks for your keepers, I’d say no.  Jimmy Graham had a big comeback last year with over 900 yards receiving and 6 TDs.  He seems to feel more comfortable with Russell Wilson and his improvisations.  I don’t think he’ll ever put up the same kind of numbers that he did in New Orleans however.  I’d only keep him if I could get him at the 3rd round or below.  Kelce is a beast.   He had his best season so far last year with over 1100 yards receiving and 4 TDs.  He’s a legit star and normally, I’d say keep him at the 2nd round or below.  There’s only one problem though:

As we saw for the last few seasons in KC, Andy Reid is the type of coach who likes to think.  And usually his thought process goes something like this: “DERP EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO GIVE THE BALL TO MY BEST PLAYERS DERP! I’LL OUTSMART THEM ALL HERPADERPADERPADERP”  Unless I could get him in the 4th round or below, I wouldn’t waste a keeper on Kelce.

“How can I legally require my girlfriend to do anal?”

You can’t.  Even if she willingly signed a contract, no court in the US would ever enforce it. No means no.  Consent is limited to the scope of the consent given at the time consent is given.  Stop asking this question. And maybe wash the dishes and do the laundry without her asking you and without you crowing about doing your part.  If you’re in a good relationship and you start carrying a larger share of the invisible workload, more and better sexy times will likely follow.  That’s my lock of the week (TM).

Please send me all the questions you’ve always wanted to ask but either couldn’t afford a lawyer or didn’t want to look stupid.  I promise to both answer your question to the best of my ability and only lightly mock you.  You can ask questions in the comments section, you can tweet me questions at @fakeapoth or you can email them to me at [email protected].

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.