Executing Jameis: Your DFO Legal and Fantasy Football Mailbag

trollsoharduniversity
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trollsoharduniversity

Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist.One day I may refuse to save your life.

Twitter: @fakeapoth
Instagram: @leeapoth

trollsoharduniversity
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ALL RISE! The DFO Mailbag of Law and Fantasy Football is Now In Session (please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the page).

Greetings Dick Joke Enthusiasts.  It’s your old pal TrollSoHardUniversity.  As some of you know, I’m licensed attorney and a fantasy football mastermind.    Last January, I came in fourth place in my league.  Also in last January,  I wrote a Facebook post, the purpose of which was to offer  some advice to friends who were going to protest the inauguration of that jaundiced twat Our Dear Leader.  The internet, as it is wont to do, got a hold of it and it was shared a few thousand times, giving me my previously withheld fifteen minutes of fame.  Now I’m hooked on internet attention and I’ve been chasing dragon ever since.

I’m gonna be here every week to answer all of your law and law-adjacent questions and give you some advice about your fantasy football conundrums.  From quarterbacks to quartering soldiers, from draft order to draft cards, no question is too dumb.

OK, some questions are too dumb.

I consulted our writers Slack channel for the inaugural column and got two questions. Both of the questioners will be kept anonymous (for now):

“If someone writes about, say, a professional sports commissioner being into sodomy with vegetables, what is the legal risk/how solid are the satire first amendment protections? Asking for a friend. Also, what’s your thought on keeping two top TEs (Kelce and Graham) in a keeper league?”

I love libel/defamation issues surrounding public figures because it gives me an excuse to post this:

This is never not funny

I think you’re on pretty solid ground.  The same protections that afford Deadspin the right to say that Craig James killed five hookers while at SMU  are the same protections that allowed Larry Flynt to say that Jerry Falwell fornicated with his mother in an outhouse apply to your (possibly truthful) assertion that the Ginger Hammer stuffs pineapples up his own butt. The protections for satirical content about public figures is rock-solid.  In New York Times Co. v. Sullivan 376 U.S. 254 (1964), the Supreme Court unanimously held that a news organization could not be sued for libel by public figures unless their speech is both false and made with “actual malice”, i.e., with knowledge of its falsehood or with reckless disregard for the truth of the statement. This case dramatically expanded protections against the potential chilling of First Amendment rights via libel and defamation suits.   In  Hustler Magazine v. Falwell 485 U.S. 46 (1988), the Supreme Court unanimously (Justice Kennedy recused himself from consideration and I will let your gutter-dwelling minds guess as to why) upheld New York Times v. Sullivan and explicitly included satire as protected by the First Amendment.  The Court found that restricting even false statements improperly restricts free speech becausse the “breathing space” that freedom of expression requires in order to flourish must tolerate occasional false statements, lest there be an intolerable chilling effect on speech that does have constitutional value.  On a side note, think about this:  Chief Justice Rehnquist, joined by (among others) Justices Antonin Scalia, Sandra Day O’Connor, and Thurgood Marshall stood tall and protected our right to write smut-fic about the Rog.  ‘MURICA!

As far as your tight end situation goes, it really depends on what round pick you’d have to give up to keep them and if you can start a TE in the flex position.  If you’re in a league where you have to give up your first two picks for your keepers, I’d say no.  Jimmy Graham had a big comeback last year with over 900 yards receiving and 6 TDs.  He seems to feel more comfortable with Russell Wilson and his improvisations.  I don’t think he’ll ever put up the same kind of numbers that he did in New Orleans however.  I’d only keep him if I could get him at the 3rd round or below.  Kelce is a beast.   He had his best season so far last year with over 1100 yards receiving and 4 TDs.  He’s a legit star and normally, I’d say keep him at the 2nd round or below.  There’s only one problem though:

Give the ball to my best player? Why would I do that?

 

As we saw for the last few seasons in KC, Andy Reid is the type of coach who likes to think.  And usually his thought process goes something like this: “DERP EVERYONE EXPECTS ME TO GIVE THE BALL TO MY BEST PLAYERS DERP! I’LL OUTSMART THEM ALL HERPADERPADERPADERP”  Unless I could get him in the 4th round or below, I wouldn’t waste a keeper on Kelce.

“How can I legally require my girlfriend to do anal?”

You can’t.  Even if she willingly signed a contract, no court in the US would ever enforce it. No means no.  Consent is limited to the scope of the consent given at the time consent is given.  Stop asking this question. And maybe wash the dishes and do the laundry without her asking you and without you crowing about doing your part.  If you’re in a good relationship and you start carrying a larger share of the invisible workload, more and better sexy times will likely follow.  That’s my lock of the week (TM).

 

Please send me all the questions you’ve always wanted to ask but either couldn’t afford a lawyer or didn’t want to look stupid.  I promise to both answer your question to the best of my ability and only lightly mock you.  You can ask questions in the comments section, you can tweet me questions at @fakeapoth or you can email them to me at trollsohard@doorfliesopen.com.

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.

trollsoharduniversity
trollsoharduniversity
Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist. One day I may refuse to save your life. Twitter: @fakeapoth Instagram: @leeapoth

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SonOfSpam
Member

So if I’m walking through a grocery store with my kid, and I say something about thunder, and she jokingly starts singing that horrific Imagine Dragons song that keeps mentioning lightning and thunder, and a guy walks by and says “Hey, that’s a great song!” I can legally murder that guy, right?

yeah right
Member

Unquestionably. If I’m in the vicinity I will assist with the body disposal.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Question for next week:

If an invisible imaginary internet friend living in a state where recreational weed is legal (say Oregon) wanted to ship a batch of edibles to an invisible imaginary internet friend in another state where recreational weed is legal (say Washington), how much potential trouble would he/she get in? Assume UPS or FedEx, no postal service.

What if the states are not adjoining? Does that make a difference?

Fantasy: What position would you go with on the first round?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Reverse cowgirl

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Wait, so Craig James didn’t kill five hookers while he was at SMU?

The only way I’d believe that was if the actual number was 6.

SonOfSpam
Member

No, he definitely killed five hookers at SMU. Where did you hear otherwise? Because if you heard otherwise, that information is false and potentially libelous.

Old School Zero
Member

Been reading the Taylor Branch civil rights books, and NYT vs Sullivan is a huge part of modern US history, not just in its lasting effects, but in the roots of how it happened. Insane.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Even this does not cover legally required anal.

In other news… musical guest, Legally Required Anal!
/RIP Don Pardo

Wakezilla
Member

I’m at the shop and Jeff Fisher’s Fijian Doppelganger just walked in. Even sounds like him too.

How do I get my team’s Owners and management banned from the league?

Wakezilla
Member

Re Jimmy Graham: With Seattle’s o-line being trash and the media hyping Wilson being in the greatest shape ever, this seems like the perfect season for Wilson to finally go down with a lengthy injury. And Koep isn’t going to save the day.

Cuntler
Member

Here’s a question for you: David is a 35 year old man who has struggled with the disease of schizophrenia for many years. With outpatient care, he can succeed in the community and he has a somewhat stable employment history. But his medications have unpleasant side effects, and David has periodically stopped taking them. On three prior occasions, he has stopped taking his medications, has become symptomatic and has been arrested for causing public disturbances. The charges have always been dismissed, and no one has ever been hurt.

About 2 months ago, David stopped taking his medications. He became quite agitated. Last month, he went into a neighborhood grocery store owned by Mr. and Ms. Vincent, and started shouting. When Ms. Vincent ordered him out of the store, David became even more upset. He grabbed a hammer that was on the counter and swung at Ms. Vincent, breaking her shoulder. David was arrested. He has been charged with aggravated battery. If convicted, he could be sentenced to a determinate sentence of 10, 15, or 20 years in prison. There is no reduction from a determinate sentence for “good behavior,” nor is there any other type of early release.

You are the deputy district attorney prosecuting the case. Under the laws of the jurisdiction, it is your duty to contact the victims of a crime to keep them informed of the status of the case and to consider their views before going to trial or reaching any settlement. You are quite confident of your ability to convict David of aggravated battery at trial. You haven’t yet decided whether to take the case to trial or to offer him a deal. If you decide not to prosecute him for aggravated battery, two alternatives are: (a) allowing David to plead guilty to simple battery, which carries a possible determinate sentence of 1, 3 or 5 years; or (b) allowing David to enter into an agreement to defer the prosecution for 5 years (the maximum period allowed) on the conditions that he receive outpatient mental health care, be closely supervised by a probation officer, and take his medications. If he successfully complies with these conditions for 5 years, the charge would be dismissed. If he fails to comply with any of the conditions, you could then prosecute him for the aggravated battery.

As part of your work, you have consulted with a psychiatrist. You have determined that David has no defense based on his mental illness. The form of insanity defense in your jurisdiction is the M’Naghten moral incapacity prong. According to the psychiatrist, David does not have a viable insanity defense. Your jurisdiction has abolished any type of diminished capacity defense (if it would even work for this crime). Finally, you’ve checked and learned that if David is convicted and sentenced to prison, he will receive psychiatric care while in custody.

Write a letter to Mr. and Ms. Vincent. Explain the status of the case and seek their input. Describe the different possible outcomes and how they further (or not) the various purposes of punishment within the criminal justice system.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Here is the answer in gif form:

comment image

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Well, now we know Cuntler’s real name is Dave.

blaxabbath
Member

What color is David?

Wakezilla
Member

Can he become their butler during that 5 years time period?

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

If two guys are on an elevator and one guy farts, who is liable? The obvious answer would be the guy who farted, but I ask you: Is he? Is he really?

Don T
Member

Due process is two seconds before a stern look / “You motherfucker”.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So the ol’ Smelt It v. Dealt It conundrum at work?

Wakezilla
Member

If it smells epically horrendous, take the blame. Ain’t no shame in taking the blame for something that smells worse than a sewage factory. That’s impressive.

But if it’s faint, then don’t bother. And if someone points it out, then they are just an asshole

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I’ll take the blame. Stop feeling guilt for farting.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am just gonna hide in here for 6 hours til my dad on steroids passes out

SonOfSpam
Member

/writes “Roided Sleeping Dads” on FFL team name list
//draws three stars next to “Roided Sleeping Dads”

Wakezilla
Member

I don’t know how you do it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He is on them because he can’t breath or do anything. I could take him if need be. Just leaving him alone seems to be a better option.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Better option would be taking them yourself. You get swole and you get peace and quiet. Seems like a win/win.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Three reactions

1) Great jorb!

B) As always, North Carolina is way the fuck behind on consent/treating humans as humans: http://wlos.com/news/local/north-carolina-law-says-women-cant-revoke-sex-once-its-started

%) Is the following statement sufficient to file an evidence destruction complaint with the Bar? “Look, I’ve been practicing law long enough to have a great appreciation for the whole “innocent until prove guilty” thing, but during that time I have also burned enough evidence to know that where there’s smoke there’s fire”

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Hey!

Wakezilla
Member

I believe that law is called the Blue Devil act.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I really wish there was a comments section for that NC article. That would be the most disgustingly hilarious thing in history.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

And where would it cross the line into extortion if someone were to say something like: “nice little bar membership you’ve got there, would be a shame if something were to happen to it…”

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

comment image

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Oh I’m not a member of the bar…

SonOfSpam
Member

Sounds like someone is angling for a White House job!

blaxabbath
Member

You’re stepping on my next week’s question.

Wait – you guys got dfo emails?!

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