I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
Just to make things interesting, I think the Patriots should deliberately tank for the first 8 games for two reasons:
1.) To see if they can close the season out 8-0.
2.) To see if they can win the division at 8-8.
No one is going to even bother resisting them.
Resistance is futile
So are they the Trump Administration of football, or is Trump the Patriots of politicians?
YES
Sweet run D, Kansas City. Might want to fill up that giant gaping fucking hole in the middle, though.
If that’s a hold, why is it 1st and Goal from the 2? Oh, offsetting penalties that we never heard?
http://imgur.com/caDqjJD
That pass wasn’t too high the Goats Receivers ah too fahking showt
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
One of our friends grew up in NE and was familiar with the Wahlbergs. “They were absolute dirtbags.”
The Wahlbergs? Dirtbags? I’m too far away from my fainting couch!
“Were”?
Wait, didn’t they just get called for holding? What the fuck?
Do Pats fans think every tome they run the ball at the goalline is some kind of shot at Seattle?
HAIL BLEERGH
So, even the fucking refs hate my fantasy team.
Holding negating the TD? HAIL BLEERGH!
I hate everything already.
Gentlemen. Checking in from vacation. Fooooootbaaaaawww!
Fire the Chiefs.
Is Brady calling “PETA” as his cadence? I kinda like it as long as it pisses them off for some reason.
Not even throwing to Gronk, since he’s on both my fantasy sides. Naturally.
So just turned it on how bad is the Patlacio tonight?
First PATS-FLAG of the season.
I mean, he asked with such enthusiasm!
NOt even 10 minutes into the season and we get a shit fuck call
Maybe, hopefully, possibly…THIS will be the year that other teams figure out the Patriots love breaking into a hurryup offense at random to confuse defenses, and aren’t constantly scrambling to adjust. It hasn’t been the case for the last 15 years, but maybe this will be the one.
I’m convinced the NFL is actually the dumbest run league and that a scant few people have any idea what they’re doing.
It truly is a microcosm of America.
no blitz, no cover, no run support in the box, where exactly IS everyone?
Arthur Bryant’s?
Josh McDaniels kills squirrels, freezes them, and then uses them to peg Brady
I’m guessing there’s a pretty good back story here.
Just a hunch.
You’d think, but no. Just a turd from M. Night Shamylan.
Ah, that’s right Rex Burkhead went to New England Shit!
Wasn’t Rex Burkhead the main character of Space Mutiny?
I think you are thinking of Blast Hardcheese.
CAREER OVER PULL THAT FUCKING HACK
FACK YOU TAWMMY WHAHT THE FACKIN FACK YOUAH SUCK YOUAH FACKAH
The decline. Let that be the start of it. PLEASE GOD
Oh shit. It works for real now.
Penn State lacrosse? What the shit?
Every lax bro in america just shot their load
Rapists who don’t discriminate.
That is like Rapists squared. Like Mecha-Rapists.
How does that song get longer every year?
It’s in memoriam of Whitney.
And Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Hey!!!! That’s racist!!!!
Oh never mind. Didn’t see the “n”.
Realizes it’s too late to bench Tyreek Hill.
/pill bottle flies (back) open
I have to Patriots so much, I want to travel back in time to the 1770s and act as a Third Party Arbitrator between the British American Colonies and the British Parliament. Just so I can wipe the name and colors Patriots from existence.
Every year, they Random Name Generate some fucking yuppie singer up to sing the national anthems. No fucking way this person existed before tonight.
IS EVERYONE STANDING?!?! MY POLITICAL INSTITUTIONS NEEDS CONSTANT VALIDATION FROM RANDOM PEOPLE OR ELSE THE COMMIES WIN!
I’m kneeling but its in protest to the Patriots.
A nose ring? How edgy!
Despite his success, I do take solace in the fact that Tom Brady’s post-retirement career has only two possible paths. Either he stays the same dead eyed space cadet he’s always been and gets relegated to “That milquetoast weirdo who used to be really good but has literally no personality or anything of substance to add to any conversation” like Derek Jeter…
OR
He goes full Curt Schilling and Pats fans lose the (already flimsy) excuse of him just being a dumb guy who happened to have a Trump hat in his locker.
Honestly, I’m fine with either.
Or he gets trapped in his mega mansion and has to eat all of his man product in order to live.
His kids are going to end up totally fuck ups.
I think that is a given.
I’ve always had a suspicion there’s something dark underneath that over-manicured facade of his.
More likely, though, he’s just boring and stupid.
Otto’s Brain: Woo! A Chiefs game! And we’re playing…
Otto’s Brain looks at the TV.
Otto’s Brain: Oh. Never mind.
Otto’s Brain rolls out the door, rolling over The Maestro’s foot as he leaves.
How heavy is Otto’s Brain’s rolly jar?
I’m gonna go with 23.5 lbs.
*takes good foot and kicks a chip shot field goal with Otto’s brain*
HAIL SHANK’LOR
Brady is great. He is not the greatest of all time. Because he’s a spoiled asshole and his wife is a super model who looks like a bipolar Chihuahua
Hell yeah, that’s what I came here for: Fozztaeks!
Well, time to go sell beer at the playoff game. Someone text me if the heavens answer our prayers and Tommy Terrific gets Pollard’d.
You know what really would’ve improved the pre-game festivities, if satan rose out of midfield and flayed Brady and Marky Mark’s skin off with his fingernails, live.
Rocket Mortgage, because fuck it the Great Recession wasn’t that bad
Yeah, it seems like a really good idea to make a 30 year commitment via a cellphone app.
Hey, the last time it happen, ppl remembered the GOP was naughty for THREE WHOLE YEARS!! Imagine reliving that Prague Spring??
I choose to remember only the good times, gas was cheap and no one bitch about their job out of fear of the thought police finding out
GET TO THE FUCKING FIREWORKS FACTORY ALREADY!
Dear God and Baby Jesus,
Please make it so that Irma turns and flattens the fucking shit out of New England.
Unleash your fury, and use thy finger to erase this nest of spoiled, proud, dumber than a 9-11 Truther fucksticks.
Please. Okay?
All the best, lover your work!
JJ Fozz
Dear God and Baby Jesus,
While You got Your Smiting Finger out, Mir-a-Logo is in Florida and Hurricane Jose is in the Atlantic incubating. Pretty Please?
Smiting finger sounds like a euphemism for….something.
Robert Kraft looks like the love child of Richard Gere and Jon Favreau.
Is it too much to ask for Brady to tear every ligament in both legs on the first snap to forever tie the memory of that to raising this championship banner?
TOO LITTLE
This is correct.
Seconded!
Oh fuck I tore all the ligaments in my hand slamming the thumbs up button.
“That’s why God gave you two hands!”
– Kellen Winslow, Jr.
“Tell me about it.”
– Jason Pierre Pau
My soul is old, dirty, torn, and kinda burnt. I would trade that motherfucker in a new york minute for that to happen