Rejoice! Our First FULL Lesser Footy Day of 2017 Arrives

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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It’s a fine slate of action, too.  The footy gods want you warmed up for the real shit come Sunday afternoon.  SO CLOSE!!

Start things off with Man City hosting the Redshite, with the winner laying claim to being top challenger to United (in the largely meaningless early going).  There will be goals aplenty, so could be worth setting your alarm (7:30, NBCSN).

NBC decides to be merciful and go back to giving you two whole choices in the 10:00 window, with the drab Arsenal/Bournemouth clash on NBCSN, and Everton hosting Spurs on CNBC.  Wayne Rooney will apparently start in his first match following his uber-drunk driving/attempted adultery incident over the break, and we shall just have to see how that goes.  Everton were also unable to sign ANYONE at striker before the deadline, so it’s Sandro, Calvert-Lewin, or bust on that front.  Leicester and Chelsea are behind the 10:00 NBC paywall, which is annoying as fuck.

Absolutely nobody but Manure fans will watch their spotlight dance with the mutants of Stoke (12:30, NBC), but it’s the kind of match where they typically get tripped up and drop points.  Have United really turned a corner?

Sunday Funday is Burnley/Palace (8:30, NBCSN) and Swans/Barcodes (11:00, NBCSN).  Who gives the slightest of diddly-fucks?  Watch DVR JV NFL instead.  Speaking of…

Louisville at U*NC (Noon, ESPN)

Wow, the Petrinos start the season with two road contests against Power Five squadrons, this’un a league fixture.  Fortunately, this isn’t a basketball exhibition, so the Holes will send mostly aluminum fans.

Northwestern at Duke (Noon, ESPNU)

Sooooooo many nerds to punch, so little time ,, amirite?

West By God Virginia at East Carolina (Noon, FS2)

Uhhhhh, whatever the converse of the above-referenced game is.  Plus various levels of in-familia fucking.

Iowa at Iowa State (Noon, ESPN2)

Perhaps the bowl of porridge that Goldilocks chose?  Does that also count as a corn reference?  Fuck if I know what porridge is made of.  I don’t run an 18th century Russian prison.

Pittsburgh at Penn State (3:30, ABC)

So many mediocre rivalries on display today!

TCU at Arkansas (3:30, CBS)

Finally, a game that should actually be fun and involve lots of wild scoring plays and general September JV NFL entropy.

Nebraska at Oregon (4:30, Fox)

I enjoy how the JV NFL is on the big network, all the pennant race el beisbol gets shuffled off to FS1.  Similar to Frogs/Pigs in entropy potential.

Auburn at Clemson (7:00, ESPN)

Don’t be surprised if’n Aubie comes out and just whips Clemson’s ass.  I know Coach Jeebus Camp has paid ample funds for a deep pool of talent, but they leaned heavy on Deshaun Watson, and Auburn will be a stiff challenge.

Oklahoma at Ohio State (7:30, ABC)

Let’s hope tOSU didn’t just get they bad half of footy out of their system in Bloomington opening night.  If they show anything like that again, Boomer Sooner will run train on ’em.  And it will be nigh P*ts Schadenfreude Day delicious.  In any event, Okie will definitely score, and score lots.  Query is whether the Bucks match.

Stanford at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)

No shit, the hits just keep on coming!  One will need ample chemical intervention to keep this party going.  Not sure whether the Trees will be legit or just annoying, but the Troi Boiz looked plenty vulnerable last week.  And this fixture is usually quite exciting.

Boise State at Washington State (10:30, ESPN)

Catch your breath yet?  Not one, but TWO late night tweaker games!!  The smurfs travel slightly west to take on the Mad Bomber of Eastern Washington, to see which will be the fringe Top 25 side media folks like to talk about “trending” as the calendar flips into October.  Because FUN.

San Diego State at Arizona State (11:00, PAC12)

And last but not least, COED BOWL 2017!! Every pervy cameraman’s Valhalla, and worth staying up late for.  Hee hee, double meanings.

King Hippo
King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Ruh-Roh Clemson – that one didn’t quite have the distance (or accuracy).

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Clemson’s QB may be ded.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

They’ve got him in the sideline jack shack for evaluation.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

So I am drunk. I just got back from a barbecue competition three towns over.

Fantastic barbecue.

I get the driver to stop to allow me to get booze. About an hour later, two young Mormon missionaries show up.

Mormon missionaries are so much fun to talk to when you are drunk.

They are my favorite cultists!*

*any church without a pope is a cult to me.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I also broke down and bought a pack of smokes.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to make it through the day, JSD. No judgement here.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Tosu v OkieSt: Whole lotta nuthin so far?

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

LET’S GO BOYS!! HANG HALF A HUNDRED ON THEM!!
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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

How many possums did he trap to make that coat?

Wakezilla
Member

Green Lantern is on one of the TVs and oh my god, why the shit was Sinestro a Green Lantern the entire film?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Origin. Story.

and because that movie was a big “FUCK YOU” to any Green Lantern fans.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

But R. Lee Ermey was the big GL instructor guy!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I stand by my opening statement.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

It was a complete shitshow from casting to production to spending $200 million on marketing.

Wakezilla
Member

Da fuck? I’m at the gym right now and none of the games are on. If there weren’t so many attractive women who came here, I’d consider dropping my membership.

Are the Ducks still taking Nebraska to pound town?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Hey, if they didn’t want you to stick corn up there, why would they call it a corn hole?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Settling in for some hot Tiger on Tiger action…

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Dramatic Reenactment of great Auburn minds, date unknown:
Genius 1: “Tigers are awesome, fearsome, exotic animals that will populate the earth forever, let’s make them our mascot.”
Genius 2: “Nice. And they can probably be trained to kill runaway slaves.”
Genius 1: “But eagles are awesome, fearesome animals too. And I’ll be a stranger fucker if we let that lib cuck yanqui President Ben Franklin take our freedom eagles away from us!”
Genius 2: “Nice. They can be our second mascot.”
Genius 1: “But we can’t have two mascots. But I WANT two animals. Let’s make one like our slogan, yeah.”
Genius 2: “Nice.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m 99% sure the War Eagle is simply because they could actually buy and keep an eagle on campus (the aviary is across the street from Jordan Hare Stadium). Tigers cost too much.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Apropos of nothing. So, what’s going down, kids?

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

You say something Unsurprised?

Damn.
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Leinart! Wannstedt! Fox JV Fitbaw halftime report! Catch it!*

*If it is caught, seek medical attention immediately

Spur
Member
Spur

Arkansas has some piss poor tackling

Spur
Member
Spur

When was the last time you ate at a Subway and why?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I honestly can’t remember.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Last Fall.
I was hungry.
What’s with all the fucking questions?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Are you a cop? You have to tell us if you’re a cop. It’s the law, right?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT SANDWICH ARTIST WAS ASKING FOR IT. HE WAS ASKING FOR IT I TELL YA.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I mean “she”.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Sure, sure. We believe you…
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ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

Last summer; I am a Reuben fiend so I had to try it.
Before that it was mid/late 90’s.

litre_cola
Member

In Montana somewhere a month ago. It was all that town had.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

High school, I worked at subway in Baltimore.

I gave up mayonaise and I have not touched subway in close to 20 years. I cannot stand the fucking smell of the places.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not the funnest day in evar for Arky QB, methinks.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey Guys, if UCLA can do it!!!!!
– Nebraska kicker just before he got murdered at halftime

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Wouldn’t it be amusing if Urban Meyer had a brother named Rural?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

When he’s having sex with someone they would then be referred to as sub-Urban Meyer

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

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ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

Oh horny toads. DO YOU EVAN WANTTO WIN??

Gratliff
Member

Alright, so I’ve changed my avatars on here, on wordpress, on gravatar. I tried the logging out and the cache clearing and all that good shit, and I still have the damn F is for Family avatar. I guess I’m just stuck with it.

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

I didn’t log in all off season; signed in 3 weeks ago and it first brought me to the edit profile page (with a blank avatar) so I uploaded new/old avatar. BOOM!! Problem solved!!

Gratliff
Member

Yeah, I did that. Changed it, deleted it, etc. Still this fucking guy over here.

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

Sorry bud I think Hippos right; not even the Lizard people know how to do it.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Announcer said that guy has a big hole.
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Really?

– A. Rodgers

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I totally though HW Bush was dead. He and Jimmy ain’t looking too good…

Shogun Marcus
Member

There’s a superhero show I’d watch. The POTUS Squad! Watch as they band together to reclaim and rebuild the country they hold dear.

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

They’ve both had serious health scares this past year. HW didn’t look like he was going to make it back out of the hospital and that was months ago.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Jimmy has brain cancer.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

So if I went with the “packing while high” option (I plead da fif)….does that mean I’ll need to get high before unpacking or else I won’t be able to find anything?

Not saying I have a problem with that, I just wanna be prepared.

litre_cola
Member

And through the trip so u are ready.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Never mind. I wanted to put a Beerfest pic but it’s not behaving.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

So….what? Now I don’t get my funny pic?
I feel cheated man. Way to dangle that thing out there and then snatch it away.
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

It was the drunken recall bit. It got FORBIDDEN.

Spur
Member
Spur

Surprised we aren’t seeing more aggressive play by TCU. Kick those Piggies.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Rex agrees

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ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

Looks like Kenny Hill is who we thought he was.

litre_cola
Member

Just got home, what game is everyone watching?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Anything Slims!

WCS
Member

The one where one team tries to score against the other.

Spur
Member
Spur

Ducks biting on Cornflakes

scotchnaut
Member

My weight.

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