Rejoice! Our First FULL Lesser Footy Day of 2017 Arrives

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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It’s a fine slate of action, too.  The footy gods want you warmed up for the real shit come Sunday afternoon.  SO CLOSE!!

Start things off with Man City hosting the Redshite, with the winner laying claim to being top challenger to United (in the largely meaningless early going).  There will be goals aplenty, so could be worth setting your alarm (7:30, NBCSN).

NBC decides to be merciful and go back to giving you two whole choices in the 10:00 window, with the drab Arsenal/Bournemouth clash on NBCSN, and Everton hosting Spurs on CNBC.  Wayne Rooney will apparently start in his first match following his uber-drunk driving/attempted adultery incident over the break, and we shall just have to see how that goes.  Everton were also unable to sign ANYONE at striker before the deadline, so it’s Sandro, Calvert-Lewin, or bust on that front.  Leicester and Chelsea are behind the 10:00 NBC paywall, which is annoying as fuck.

Absolutely nobody but Manure fans will watch their spotlight dance with the mutants of Stoke (12:30, NBC), but it’s the kind of match where they typically get tripped up and drop points.  Have United really turned a corner?

Sunday Funday is Burnley/Palace (8:30, NBCSN) and Swans/Barcodes (11:00, NBCSN).  Who gives the slightest of diddly-fucks?  Watch DVR JV NFL instead.  Speaking of…

Louisville at U*NC (Noon, ESPN)

Wow, the Petrinos start the season with two road contests against Power Five squadrons, this’un a league fixture.  Fortunately, this isn’t a basketball exhibition, so the Holes will send mostly aluminum fans.

Northwestern at Duke (Noon, ESPNU)

Sooooooo many nerds to punch, so little time ,, amirite?

West By God Virginia at East Carolina (Noon, FS2)

Uhhhhh, whatever the converse of the above-referenced game is.  Plus various levels of in-familia fucking.

Iowa at Iowa State (Noon, ESPN2)

Perhaps the bowl of porridge that Goldilocks chose?  Does that also count as a corn reference?  Fuck if I know what porridge is made of.  I don’t run an 18th century Russian prison.

Pittsburgh at Penn State (3:30, ABC)

So many mediocre rivalries on display today!

TCU at Arkansas (3:30, CBS)

Finally, a game that should actually be fun and involve lots of wild scoring plays and general September JV NFL entropy.

Nebraska at Oregon (4:30, Fox)

I enjoy how the JV NFL is on the big network, all the pennant race el beisbol gets shuffled off to FS1.  Similar to Frogs/Pigs in entropy potential.

Auburn at Clemson (7:00, ESPN)

Don’t be surprised if’n Aubie comes out and just whips Clemson’s ass.  I know Coach Jeebus Camp has paid ample funds for a deep pool of talent, but they leaned heavy on Deshaun Watson, and Auburn will be a stiff challenge.

Oklahoma at Ohio State (7:30, ABC)

Let’s hope tOSU didn’t just get they bad half of footy out of their system in Bloomington opening night.  If they show anything like that again, Boomer Sooner will run train on ’em.  And it will be nigh P*ts Schadenfreude Day delicious.  In any event, Okie will definitely score, and score lots.  Query is whether the Bucks match.

Stanford at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)

No shit, the hits just keep on coming!  One will need ample chemical intervention to keep this party going.  Not sure whether the Trees will be legit or just annoying, but the Troi Boiz looked plenty vulnerable last week.  And this fixture is usually quite exciting.

Boise State at Washington State (10:30, ESPN)

Catch your breath yet?  Not one, but TWO late night tweaker games!!  The smurfs travel slightly west to take on the Mad Bomber of Eastern Washington, to see which will be the fringe Top 25 side media folks like to talk about “trending” as the calendar flips into October.  Because FUN.

San Diego State at Arizona State (11:00, PAC12)

And last but not least, COED BOWL 2017!! Every pervy cameraman’s Valhalla, and worth staying up late for.  Hee hee, double meanings.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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scotchnaut
Member

Lamar Jackson ran through UNC’s D as though it were 1-ply toilet paper.

WCS
Member

This is some impressive DERPENING from both Meetchicken and the Fightin’ Fickles.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Jesus fucking fuck shit cunts could this last 20 seconds take ANY longer?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

BASEball would be more exciting than this

Redshirt
Member

Jim Harbaugh just wants to get this game to Halftime so he can get to the Locker Room and kill a walk on in front of the team without any witnesses.

scotchnaut
Member

“It’s our good luck ritual for the second half. What? It’s not like the kid matters to the program. You guys need to get some perspective.”

WCS
Member

So, any typical game day?

Redshirt
Member

BLEERGH doesn’t give a damn about the whole state of Michigan.

scotchnaut
Member

Jesse Palmer has the look of a guy that is coming off a cocaine bender.

I miss/don’t miss cocaine

yeah right
Member

I don’t miss it either.

Why? You got some?

scotchnaut
Member

I wish!/don’t wish.

scotchnaut
Member

Lamar Jackson’s game plan

1.Make an extraordinary throw
2.Make a really bad decision
3.Rinse and repeat

Redshirt
Member

UC QB stats are Tebowian

scotchnaut
Member

A couple of rushing TD’s and a 35% completion rate?

Redshirt
Member

Correction:

“UC QB stats are sub-Tebowian”

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Mich student section sure looks… like they have a lot of personality?

scotchnaut
Member

Surratt’s doing okay but his best work by far was A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.

/Pointillism FTW!

Redshirt
Member

If Cincinnati’s previous head coach actually gave a damn in recruiting and developing his players instead of milking the clock until his Social Security kicks in, Michigan would currently be losing this game.

scotchnaut
Member

Offsetting penalties is/are(?) bullshit.

/no, I don’t have a solution

Wakezilla
Member

Do it hockey style: The retaliatory penalty gets called

Redshirt
Member

If penalties are of equal distance, they cancel out like normal.

If one is bigger than the other, the difference in the penalties is enforced. Any automatic first downs or loss of down is ignored.

Egregious penalties like Personal Foul or Flagrant take precedence over other penalties.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

A 5 yard penalty only offsets 5 yards of a 15 yard penalty?

scotchnaut
Member

That’s a start. As far as offsetting unsportsmanlike penalties I’d like to see the offending players sit for the remainder of the quarter.

Redshirt
Member

Jousting with Sousaphones to see which Unsportsmanlike Penalty is enforced?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Thunderdome: Two men enter, one man leaves.

scotchnaut
Member

Now you’re just being random.

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC

BOOMER SOONERS are 11-4 when Lee Corso picks against them on Gameday.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Jq9z6qpmpGg/Tlb8Am0lNYI/AAAAAAAAEWQ/qzKtKivzgao/s1600/1oklahoma.jpg

scotchnaut
Member

When I was a kid the only teams I ever saw were Michigan, Ohio State, Notre Dame, USC, Texas, Penn State and Nebraska. The team they played against was an afterthought. I enjoyed Bowl season so much because I could see so many other squads.

Wakezilla
Member

Who’s your team?

ALXMAC
Member
ALXMAC
herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

SHould have just burneed the ncaa down right then and started over title 9 smh

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hehehehe…suck it, Carolina.
Time for this beatdown to commence, already.

Plus your QB is named Chaz (of course he’s fucking named Chaz!!).

scotchnaut
Member

Chazz “The Rat” Surratt?

Redshirt
Member

Wanda Sykes still has a career? I thought Hollywood gave up trying to make her happen.

Redshirt
Member

Keys to the Game:

Michigan: Phone it in. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot.
Cincinnati: Pray Michigan shoots themselves in the foot.

scotchnaut
Member

UNC showing some life vs. ‘Ville.

Redshirt
Member

Pool: “You know you need to close me. Quit procrastinating.”
Me: “Shut up, pool! You’ve never heard of an above-ground ice skating rink?”

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I’m putting it off as well, but I think next weekend it has to be done before all the gott-damned leaves start falling into it.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Oh wait, apparently all Mich has to do is run on the edge.

Redshirt
Member

I like UC-UM ref’s quick wit.

Redshirt
Member

So apparently a visiting player scoring a touchdown in Ann Arbor is Unsportsmanlike Conduct? Okay…

scotchnaut
Member

Duke’s unis look like shite.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

That’s because they say “Duke” on them.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Cincinnatti comeback? Bearcats better than the Bengals?

Redshirt
Member

That’s was the joke of the city when Cincy was winning the Big East and going to BCS Bowls two years in a row.

scotchnaut
Member

Imagine how much more I could do if I didn’t want to get a buzz on right now.

/meh, I did enough this morning

blaxabbath
Member

ASU is wearing Frank Kush throwbacks tonight. Say what you want about ASU (and I will), they get that any successful college football program anymore (I mean, that isn’t Penn State who gets the full support of the NCAA and sports media even though the pageantry of their program is taking the clothes off of young boys and the history is being a rape factory of the aforementioned boys) requires like 16 unique uniform combinations every season.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Very true

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

I really wish I’d gone to ASU so I could have struck out with much higher quality of woman than I struck out with at UCONN.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Looks like there’ll be some late night masturbating/football-watching.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Just because I know teh Hippo missed this last night:

The Peppermint Hippo:

1 oz peppermint schnapps
2 pills of your favorite opiate, crushed.
Fill a shaker with ice, pour in schnapps and crushed pills. Shake to cool. Pour onto martini glass. Top with ginger ale.

Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Everton is a fucking mess …. sorry Hippo.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Wow, Arsenal look so much better when they play Bournemouth instead of Liverpool!

sunrisesunrise
Member

Also BSu and WSU may get postponed due to air quality issues the wildfires are causing.

litre_cola
Member

I am in calgary and can’t see the downtown due to smoke. I live on 18th st. So it is like the apocalypse here.

Wakezilla
Member

Calgary got it too, eh?

sunrisesunrise
Member

I really hope I can get both kids asleep before the COED Bowl kickoff.

litre_cola
Member

I worked both jobs and am up. Sadly i am going to work again… Come on Fulham beat the sheepshaggers.

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