It’s a fine slate of action, too.  The footy gods want you warmed up for the real shit come Sunday afternoon.  SO CLOSE!!

Start things off with Man City hosting the Redshite, with the winner laying claim to being top challenger to United (in the largely meaningless early going).  There will be goals aplenty, so could be worth setting your alarm (7:30, NBCSN).

NBC decides to be merciful and go back to giving you two whole choices in the 10:00 window, with the drab Arsenal/Bournemouth clash on NBCSN, and Everton hosting Spurs on CNBC.  Wayne Rooney will apparently start in his first match following his uber-drunk driving/attempted adultery incident over the break, and we shall just have to see how that goes.  Everton were also unable to sign ANYONE at striker before the deadline, so it’s Sandro, Calvert-Lewin, or bust on that front.  Leicester and Chelsea are behind the 10:00 NBC paywall, which is annoying as fuck.

Absolutely nobody but Manure fans will watch their spotlight dance with the mutants of Stoke (12:30, NBC), but it’s the kind of match where they typically get tripped up and drop points.  Have United really turned a corner?

Sunday Funday is Burnley/Palace (8:30, NBCSN) and Swans/Barcodes (11:00, NBCSN).  Who gives the slightest of diddly-fucks?  Watch DVR JV NFL instead.  Speaking of…

Louisville at U*NC (Noon, ESPN)

Wow, the Petrinos start the season with two road contests against Power Five squadrons, this’un a league fixture.  Fortunately, this isn’t a basketball exhibition, so the Holes will send mostly aluminum fans.

Northwestern at Duke (Noon, ESPNU)

Sooooooo many nerds to punch, so little time ,, amirite?

West By God Virginia at East Carolina (Noon, FS2)

Uhhhhh, whatever the converse of the above-referenced game is.  Plus various levels of in-familia fucking.

Iowa at Iowa State (Noon, ESPN2)

Perhaps the bowl of porridge that Goldilocks chose?  Does that also count as a corn reference?  Fuck if I know what porridge is made of.  I don’t run an 18th century Russian prison.

Pittsburgh at Penn State (3:30, ABC)

So many mediocre rivalries on display today!

TCU at Arkansas (3:30, CBS)

Finally, a game that should actually be fun and involve lots of wild scoring plays and general September JV NFL entropy.

Nebraska at Oregon (4:30, Fox)

I enjoy how the JV NFL is on the big network, all the pennant race el beisbol gets shuffled off to FS1.  Similar to Frogs/Pigs in entropy potential.

Auburn at Clemson (7:00, ESPN)

Don’t be surprised if’n Aubie comes out and just whips Clemson’s ass.  I know Coach Jeebus Camp has paid ample funds for a deep pool of talent, but they leaned heavy on Deshaun Watson, and Auburn will be a stiff challenge.

Oklahoma at Ohio State (7:30, ABC)

Let’s hope tOSU didn’t just get they bad half of footy out of their system in Bloomington opening night.  If they show anything like that again, Boomer Sooner will run train on ’em.  And it will be nigh P*ts Schadenfreude Day delicious.  In any event, Okie will definitely score, and score lots.  Query is whether the Bucks match.

Stanford at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)

No shit, the hits just keep on coming!  One will need ample chemical intervention to keep this party going.  Not sure whether the Trees will be legit or just annoying, but the Troi Boiz looked plenty vulnerable last week.  And this fixture is usually quite exciting.

Boise State at Washington State (10:30, ESPN)

Catch your breath yet?  Not one, but TWO late night tweaker games!!  The smurfs travel slightly west to take on the Mad Bomber of Eastern Washington, to see which will be the fringe Top 25 side media folks like to talk about “trending” as the calendar flips into October.  Because FUN.

San Diego State at Arizona State (11:00, PAC12)

And last but not least, COED BOWL 2017!! Every pervy cameraman’s Valhalla, and worth staying up late for.  Hee hee, double meanings.