It’s here. A full slate of games (except for the ones not being played due to Mother Nature’s shenanigans) to wallow in. Do you have your Doritos, chicken wings, crackers, nachos, bacon-wrapped scallops, pickles, vegetable tray(!?), mozza sticks, pretzels, popcorn, chips, jerky, onion rings, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in front of you? I do. This day is the bestest as far as I’m concerned and that’s without the Pats being 0-1. Let’s not dawdle-To The Games!
NYJ/Buf: The fight for the AFC East basement begins anew between a team (the Bills) that is obviously tanking versus another (the Jetskis) that seems to regard tanking as a core organizational philosophy.
Atl/Chi: It should be a long season in Chicago. Cutler scurried away as did Alshon Jeffery and then wr Meredith was lost for the year. That’s quite a bit of skilled players to lose year over year. The Atlanta front office has thrown a considerable amount of research funding at a group of scientists that are trying to replicate the memory-wipe thingy from the Men In Black movie.
Bal/Cin: Rb Mixon begins his inevitable unseating of Jeremy Hill from the starting slot but it should be the passing game that is the game decider. Dalton worked to create a rapport with Tyler Boyd after AJ Green went down last year. The latter is back and there is also Top 5 te Eifert in the mix. And don’t forget about little Giovanni coming out of the backfield.
Pit/Cle: Pour one out for DeShone Kizer. He’s going to have the longest year of any player in the league. The ‘d’ stands for demoralized.
Ari/Det: Final score 51-48. You should probably take the over.
Jax/Hou: The Jags have more than their share of young-ish talent. Is this the year when that finally translates into “W”s? I think they’re one more year away but they seem headed in the right direction.
Oak/Ten: Qb Carr has a new OC this year that is giving him greater freedom to change plays at the line of scrimmage. I foresee wr Cooper destroying his previous career highs across the board.
Phi/Was: The Dacteds have won five straight against their divisional kin and get them at home to start the year. Qb Cousins has two new wr’s in Pryor and Doctson but the key to his success comes down to the (according to Football Outsiders) second-ranked pass protecting O-line unit in front of him.
NOW GO GET ‘EM MATEYS!
Holy shit, the Jets scored points!
False!
Canyonero, YA!!!
Nietzsche was wrong when he said God was dead.
9 minutes remaining in the half? I swear there hasn’t been 21 minutes of football played here….
“Hey mom…its me…Larry”
“I know you are gone, but I want you to know you live through me. You told me to always see things through and to focus on the big picture”
“I just wanted to tell you mom…I did it. WE did it”
Larry Fitzgerald
University of Phoenix graduate
Bachelor of Fine Arts Certification in Communicatorial Arts
And now…successful at eating a oatmeal for breakfast without chocking.
I work in higher education, and it astounds me that people pay over outrageous amounts of money to these fly-by-night “universities” for essentially a worthless piece of paper
NOT LIKE MY SWEET STATE SCHOOL PIECE OF PAPER THAT ONLY COST TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!
What’re you drinking?
I’m drinking Dayquil because my disgusting students gave me strep 3 weeks into the year.
Orange Drank?
Nothing yet but a bottle of scotch is giving me the stinkeye.
I had a Wild Cherry Pepsi (got the wrong one at the deli). I’d drink harder stuff but I’m meeting up with my friend for dinner and I’d like to be sober wandering around midtown Manhattan with her.
Something something passing is easier than ever something something new era of offensive records something something spread offense something something DERP DERP DERP
ALL HAIL BLEERGH & SHAN’KHOR!!!
RED ROCKET! RED ROCKET!!
What is “Eli Manning seeing his dog’s penis?”
Arby’s is now pushing their partnership with Mountain Dew?!
Wow — at least they’re sticking with the theme.
If they can get a special flavor like Baja Blast with Taco Bell, they’re in good shape.
Code Red Roast Beef?
Giving new meaning to the phrase: “I have a bad case of the runs.”
More like “sprints”.
needs moar appalachian coal in the recipes,,,smh
Right now Brock Lobster is sitting in plastic Game of Thrones replica chair, petting a long-haired Siamese cat and mumbling “excellent” under his breath over and over again.
Latest 3rd and 1 audible call by DET: “Orlando”
Results was a screen for a -1 (and the WR getting shellacked). DET to punt.
Dacteds are still a few more years away from competency.
Years and/or owners
They need more than a few more years…sigh
Franchise tags don’t pay for quality offensive lines.
MOAR TARGETING NEEDED!
BLEERGH-gasm
I do respect Golden Tate III though.
For cucking Russell Wilson?
there needs to be a blonde porn star named Golden Taint
The plot started wandering after Golden Tate II.
I haven’t seen anyone overcome Gangrene like this since Joe Lister pioneered antiseptic medicine.
Is that where Listerine came from?
Yeah, kind of. It was named after him if I remember correctly.
I made the first football breakfast of the season. Roasted potatoes, back bacon, scrambled eggs.
FULL OF GAS & READY FOR FOOTBALL!
BeerGuyRalph made it!
“FULL OF GAS & READY FOR FOOTBALL!”
– Andy Reid
That’s right, Jets. Lose. Lose like the losing losers you are.
15 times this season, minimum.
Kick-Off Weekend or Pick-Off Weekend?
Man, I am in heaven right now. I don’t think I’m ever gonna move away from my TV ever again.
Kirk is gonna throw this season so he doesn’t get franchised a third time (can they even do that?)
I’d get franchised the third time, take a career’s worth of money, and ride off into my less-CTE’d sunset.
I mean, the R3dskins suck, but franchised players make bank. It’s not that bad a deal for him.
I wonder, if you botch the catch on a punt return and drop it, does your brain have enough time to recognize that you’re about to get murdered by like 5 people throwing you off the ball?
Man, I can’t wait to start not watching Young Sheldon.
Wait, they’re really doing that!?
Same reaction I had.
Are the Redacteds already at mid season derpage?
Some amazing derp in Fed Ex field this afternoon
I see your FedEx field and raise one NRG stadium.
Lions ran out a pooched kick from the end zone.
First and 10 from the 7.
I haven’t seen the Reds***s give things up this easily since the Dutch bought Manhattan.
Not their fault that beanie babies didn’t hold their value!
My baseball cards are still ok right?
Someday my rookie Don Mattingly card will pay off!
Not if he has those damned hippie sideburns!
Leaving a trail of tears all over the FedEx dirt clod.
well somebody likes being on the banner ah see
I have so little else…
Del Rio knows to give it to Lynch on the goalline.
Joe Staley will never score a touchdown simply because he plays for the 49ers.
O/U on number of musicals in the debut of “Orvile” is set at 4. Place your bets accordingly.
Do people like Seth McFarlane enough to actually watch that?
I don’t mind him and I have no intention of watching it.
I like McFarlane but there is no chance of me watching that.
What about weed references?
Off the board.
I wonder how much the Jags got price-gouged for their flight out of Jacksonville?
I’m sure the fans put up the money themselves
One way tickets?
“Let’s Live How We Dance”
Alone?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG1NrQYXjLU
If I lived like I danced I’d be dead by nightfall.
And Glennon sacked on 3rd and 8. That’s more like what I was expecting.
KizerDOWN!!! #ThePauls
#ThePauls
Lions got pegged for leaping on ARI FG.
First and goal for ARI on the 6.
The Lions suck.
The browns are streaking down the Steelers.
Matt Dayes (NC State!!!) getting meaningful reps FOAR The Pauls, yay!
Yards for Dayes
Lions are putting 6 men on David Johnson.
“Lucky” – A. Rodgers
Um…Phrasing?
Lions punter channeling his inner Orlovsky?
When did the Jags start understanding the concept secondary coverage?
The Bears got a first down….Glennon did a good….WEIRD
Lions fans booing as punter drops the snap in the end zone and runs out to get tackled at the 10.
They should be cheering; at least he didn’t go Full Orlovsky.
Sounds like a pretty decent day in Detroit.
Nothing’s on fire (yet), so that’s a win
Afternoon, you sly sexy mofos. Just got back from lunch, so I’m assuming I’ve already missed some manner of Jets fuckery.
The Pauls on the march!
Lion’s just ran an audible called “Cleveland” — it was a shovel pass right into the ground for intentional grounding.
Oh, Iggles. Sad, sad Iggles.
Young Sheldon is on his way!
This thing where they’re moving the FL teams game to November….so they just have a week 1 bye and no other bye now? That’s pretty shitty, kinda defeats the point of a bye.
Don’t go on IR, you gritty shithead. I need bye week help.
Stafford needs to just heave it up to Megatron.
Survivor is still on the air?!?!
Who the fuck watches that shit???
People who subscribe to the Experion Dark Web Scan.
You know, suckers.
Survivalists.
Servers in LA looking for their first big break?
I feel like I have all of Quotables vids I need already. And we’re half an hour into the season.