Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.
NFL News:
- The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
- They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
- They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
- The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
- Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
- Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
- It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.
Game Preview: Saints at Vikings
It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)
Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:
Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.
His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.
The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.
Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos
So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]
Okay then.
The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,
John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.
[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
- MLB:
- Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!
I still find it hilarious that the path to the vikings locker room leads through the restaurant. And they say Wisconsinites have a problem with centering their life around food.
Sometimes you just need a thigh…..errrrrr, a wing.
/mouth full of Arby’s
“Get my agent on the phone! I want my locker IN the restaurant!”
-M. Stafford, Detroit MI
He can afford to build a food court in his locker.
Legend has it that Peyton initially demanded a combination Papa Johns/Forehead Massage Parlor be added to Mile High Stadium
Are you saying that if Andy Reid was the Vikings coach he’d never make it to the field?
You gonna eat that?
I think the problem would be keeping him from calling timeouts so he can run and get a refill on his BBQ Wings.
I’m sure they’d send servers out to bring him more.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but fat fucks like us tip well because, well, who else do we have in our lives making happy?
I was a pizza delivery guy for a while, and I can confirm that fat, lower-middle-class men were the best tippers.
I read that as strippers.
Like I said, heroes like you are the only people in our lives who never judge and are bringing something good. It’s sad, but it’s true.
Small QB getting killed by terrible O-line pla-
Oh, Christ, I’m having a flashback!
THIS GUY RANDY MOSS I CALL HIM DAVID CLARKE BECAUSE OLD WHITE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HIM IN THE NORTH BUT MOST HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE DOES
I guarantee you most of the old white people in the north do not cheer for him because they know exactly what he does.
Q: What is the difference between Randy Moss and a dollar?
A: You can always get 4 quarters out of a dollar.
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/483/894/463.jpg
YES! Another drive not ending in a Kyle Rudolph TD.
“Coach Payton, what can you do to make this come out differently in the second half?”
“Well Suzy, I have a thing at home called the Squatty Potty and honestly I take the cleanest loafs of my life. I haven’t pinched one in about four weeks. That’s how we’ll do it.”
Dalvin Cook, in a remarkably astute performance, mimics Ivar the Slayer and cuts through the Saints.
The Saints defense can’t even pass interference right.
I’m just going to flat-out say it. Sam Bradford is pretty fucking good. When he has time to throw, at least. You don’t want him thinking back there.
He has finally figured out which is his good eye.
“So how are the Saints going to make up this point deficit, Al?”
“By scoring, Tom. I mean, duh.”
“Well, sure…”
“God, you are such an idiot. You know that? How else would a team catch up?”
“I just…”
Tom runs away sobbing.
/pretty much my idea of good commentary
My favorite is when the team plays bad and the commentators start riffing the game MST3K style.
I miss the old days when the announcers would seriously start hitting the booze, especially when the game was garbage early on.
“We’re a mile high here in Denver, and so am I!” – Dandy Don Meredith with the greatest line ever spoken on MNF.
The greatest Thanksgiving Day line spoken: Bob Trumpy in 1993.
“It’s Leon Lett! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I see by the Sam Bradford’s stats that either Satan has some freshly purchased souls or Christopher Lloyd is working overtime making Sam look competent.
Great Scott!
My favorite Randy Moss highlight was the time he kicked a field goal… in dress shoes.
http://www.kare11.com/entertainment/television/programs/breaking-the-news/randy-moss-kicks-field-goals-in-dress-shoes/341704884
I love how Moss is incapable of going 3 sentences without saying “man”
Aaron Rodgers is incapable of going three days without men.
Randy Moss rules.
Those are different from Rams rules, correct?
do we need another group chorus of RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!?
RRRRAAAAAMMMMIIIIITTTT
ESPN host: “Matt what was your reaction to throwing an 86 yard pick-six on your first pass of the season?”
Stafford: (through a mouthful of Krispy Kreme) “Whatever man; I got PAID!”
His skull fat helmet is becoming Welker-sized.
Black people do not listen to John Cena.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da4nH9Er3Ss
Apparently every 13-year-old white boy finds these hilarious these days and I have no idea why.
Having raised and been a 13 year old white boy I can tell you that they are total idiots.
I taught a middle school kid how to play trumpet last summer and Cena’s theme was, like, probably the first thing he wanted to learn how to play, because, of course, duh.
What other reason is there to learn trumpet?
I can tell you that just by having been 13 years old. God I was an idiot.
I mean I still am, but not as badly as I used to be.
Are you not a fan of Sassy Preacher Jern?
John Cena makes John Legend look like Louis Farrakhan.
I love Defense, but fuck this guy for that hit on Diggs.
https://twitter.com/FirstDownFR/status/907401340355260416
So basically this game is a historical reenactment of the Vikings vs. the Monks in the olde Lindisfarne stadium, circa 793 AD.
Diggs/Thielen is probably the most underrated WR duo in the NFL. They really quite good.
I love how the flag girls for Minnesota is made up of very fat, middle aged white men.
If you’re insulting fat, middle-aged white men, you better watch it or I’ll, uh, keep getting all the breaks in life?
oh Mister WInkles….
Wait…did Dez Bryant make that catch? If so…no catch.
I think he only has one foot after control. NO CATCH.
Not CONFIRMED. Just not enough evidence to overturn. Twas close to the “conclusive” line FOAR me.
Man, Diggs be good.
NFL Latino talking shit about the Saints D.
https://twitter.com/NFLlatino/status/907400344992444418
I love how after a brutal hit like that, everyone is concerned for the receiver. That is good and all, but notice how the defender never left the field. No one is checking up on him.
He is just as likely to be concussed as the fucking receiver.
Oh Saints, you’re always good for a laugh.
Especially Ignatius, amirite?
I mean, that muthafucka can slay
I like Saint Sebastian – he was very holey.
“Precisely the kind of hit they’re trying to get rid of.”
So let’s make it a 15 yard penalty, which in this case only amounts to a half the d istance, like 2 yards.
If you want to get rid of hit, eject him, suspend him fine him.
That looked clean to me live, but… yeah.
Stefon Diggs ded?
‘parently not
if this ends in fucking Rudolph getting a TD, I’mma kill Sean Peyton
why would dumbfuck not wait to use that last timeout until after he saw whether they made it on 3rd down? He only had 2 to use either way.
Exterminator came to bug-bomb the wasp nest that was in my foundation next to the hose tap in the backyard. Instead of dealing with the problem, the wasps have instead moved inside the house, and we’re running around sticking towels under all the door frames to prevent these angry fuckers from spreading.
I’m afraid there’s only one option left: nuke it from orbit.
It’s the only way to be sure.
Boy you done fucked up now.
Serves my old man right for not just doing the job himself in the middle of the night when they would’ve all been there and died quickly.
#NightmareFuel
Wasps are the fucking worst.
There’s one in the attic and it comes through the fan/light right above the shower. I’ve Mugabe’d those motherfuckers for like a week now.
I’ve always said that Randy Moss was fast. He had “running over the cops” speed.
How do people forget he tried to murder a meter maid?
Meter maids aren’t people.
Valid defense in at least 17 states.
So in yesterday’s SEA/GB game, which was worse: The officiating or Seattle’s O-line? I’m gonna go with the O-line. I mean, sure, the refs let Jimmy Graham (who once played basketball) to get mugged like a German tourist in Miami in the endzone, but the O-line seems to be actively trying to get Russell Wilson killed.
What O Line?
Sigh.
Those screens just get more and more impressive
John Schneider sure did hate paying Russell all that money.
He was planning to use that money to fix up the General Lee.
yes
What do they call a Sam Bradford touchdown that’s called back on penalties?
That’s a trick question, because he only gives up pick-sixes.
Now that is Indian giving.
I can only imagine the “artwork” Brett Favre left for the Vikings.
Microphallocentrism
Just a piece of grey sandpaper nailed to the wall with a tiny finishing nail
Is Crazy Eyez…good now? First Baby Buster, then this shit. I dunno nuttin’ no mo
IT’S A TOUCHDOWN
Sam Bradford threw a… non-checkdown???
And Alex Smith threw downfield this week.
It’s a madhouse!!!
DOGS AND CATS! LIVING TOGETHER!
Litre’s kicker, making Hippo nervous…
I am APs kids balls and you are the switch.
Just lucky the coinflip didn’t tell you to start Diggs.
This comment aged poorly.
So these are still the most wildly inappropriate pictures, right?
Careful, Thiel will sue the site.
I saw a gif of a black kid dancing down the first collapse. I think on reddit. Let me check.
“I remember seeing that when it happened.”
– Donald Trump
Ah, yes. Reddit and black kids. Only good can come of this venture.
Yeah …
No, this one is.
Apropos of nothing. Other than this was my sunrise this morning.
Where is that, Wichita?
Maybe
Those hurricanes really make the colors pop.
Also, HDR.
Good pick up on the HDR. You’d be shocked how dull and gray it was in real life. HDR sunnied that shit up nice.
I’m the least capable photographer in my family, but I like to think I still have a good eye.
Oh, you got a sunrise? I had to wake up while it was dark and drive 400 miles of backroads to deliver an illegal beer shipment!
/none of this is true, but I did watch part of Smokey & the Bandit a few weeks ago
Sadly, I know that movie by heart.
2nd-highest grossing movie of ’77, bubba!
Can’t remember what #1 was. Some sci-fi flick, I think…
Did you just call me “Bubba”?
I told IWDB only she could call me that. Can’t trust anybody these days.
You live in the South. I figger everyone calls you “Bubba.”
Ah yes, O-line injuries, something the Saints are definitely equipped to handle…
The Seahawks will trade them a 6th-round defensive lineman convert/project. Those work out well.
Congratulations to Sean Payton, the vanguard of glorious running back socialism.
and WR/TE socialism, and weak on defense, etc. SUCH A BERNIE BRO ,, smgdh
Oh no. Is he sexist, too!?
well, he is an NFL employee of sorts?
Gentlemen.
Doubtful, but possible.
I have heard Buddys entourage called a lot of things but gentle isnt one of them.
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/000/088/Gentlemen.jpg
Fuck I was gonna post this. SCREW IT, DOIN’ IT ANYWAYS
Fuck, even https:// ain’t workin’.
“Fleener? I didn’t touch her!”
Told my wife that now that I am a dad I am slowly going to morph in to face painted angry guy. She said she was sure the lawyers in the nerdery (dfo) would find cause for a divorce.
Spousal non-support on her part.
/nawt a fackin lawyah
No cause is necessary.
Just wrapped up dinner, thinking that this game was starting later… but it’s good to see that I haven’t missed much on the football front.
So, the thigh is apparently below the knee now.
The rule is the knee area or below the knee. And includes subsequent contact, not just initial contact. I could buy that call on that play, at full-speed.
THIS HIPPOFANT, I CALL HIM JERRY SEAMAN, BECAUSE HE KNOWS THE NFL RULES AND SEAMAN IS A FUNNY WORD.