Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.
NFL News:
- The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
- They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
- They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
- The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
- Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
- Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
- It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.
Game Preview: Saints at Vikings
It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)
Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:
Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.
His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.
The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.
Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos
So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]
Okay then.
The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,
John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.
[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
- MLB:
- Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!
Honey Mustard is a magical condiment of the gods
There is no way I’m going to be able to stay awake for the middle of the night game, so it’ll probably be awesome
/shredding guitar solo is heard in the distance
/stomp, stomp CLAP
Where are all the Pitbull commercials?
SSHHH!!!!! If you say his name three times in a row, he appears behind you and starts dancing.
Zygi Wilf looks and is spelled like a rejected Fargo character.
HURRICANE HARVEY AID? THAT’S SO LAST WEEK
try to stay #trending ppl!!
I’m into a hurricane that is still a tropical depression in the Atlantic. You’ve never heard of it. It doesn’t even have a name.
#hipsterNWS
I can totally get 10 more points out of Diggs and Thomas in this game right?
for those keeping score at home, that’s why you don’t “just take the 3 points” down 17 from the goddamned 2 with 9 minutes to play
Drew jeezed once or twice tonight?
He’s got more aborted loads than a Miami laundromat this week.
Wow.
how much does DFO need to pay you to ensure you make every rivebrog, Buddy? AND CAN THE MONEYS BE IMAGINARY??
We gots Puerto Rico monehs.
Oh yeah, they’re rebuilding. Shit.
I’ve got 12 dollars to chip in.
/fingers 12 dollars of DFO stock
Terence Newman is 39. Holy shit.
GET CONFIDENT, STUPID!
The Vikings wanted Riley Reid, but were concerned about defences potentially penetrating her coverage.
Asuka comin’ y’all
I would have believed Newman from Seinfeld was in the league over Terence Newman.
Riley Reid? Where have I heard that name before?
He fought with Ben Kenobi in the clone wars
And Spiderman in the Clone Saga
So I just learned tonight on Twitter that there are apparently a few Popeyes locations that feature a buffet, and it’s now more clear than ever to me that I MUST GO.
the puke after will suuuuuuck, but WORTH IT
There’s a Popeyes a reasonable walk from where I live and I had a giant mass of it and holy hell it destroyed my intestines.
yeah, the regret hits almost instantly but that 20 minutes eating must be what crack smoking feels like
I call those victory pukes. I once went out with my old college roommate and some friends to a steakhouse for his 20th birthday, where he proceeded to take the 72-oz. ribeye challenge. And that son of a bitch, at 5’9″ and 130 pounds, finished the goddamn thing with 45 seconds to spare in the 60-minute time frame. Damn near killed himself doing it. We had to carry him, one guy each on arms and legs, to the bathroom so he could relieve himself afterwards, because he was almost unconscious. He walked out of that stall a new man – and even came back to finish the salad that was included with the steak.
Most places make the salad and sides part of the challenge.
That’s a damning indictment of America that a fucking 6 pound steak alone wasn’t enough of a challenge that they had to add extras to keep overhead down.
Is this going to be opposite year for QB play? I’m not sure how I feel about that
We are through the looking glass here, and well into the darkest timeline…
If it means Tom Brady gets goatfucked to death, I’m all for it.
That’s an excellent point
I’m always right.
Did not realize that Terence Newman was still in the league
The only active, “Oh yeah I remember that guy, what’s he up to?”
I was always bothered by this. My memories of him involve him being hottest fucking garbage, but it’s possible he was a victim of the whole non-Eagles early oughts NFC East thing.
go for it, you weiner
Explain to me again why we’re worried about North Korea?
Millions of people getting killed because Trump is a tiny-dicked loser is bad
MOOSE GIF! ANd where the hell have you been?
Make it Thomas!
Ted Ginn ran an actual route??
See diagram above
Yeah, he’s pretty good with getting the mail on time.
Broken squirrel finds a blind nut twice a day.
I assume you’re talking about the player and not my Shiba Inu: Ted Ginn Jr.
Bring me my Lucy Hale gifs. She looks like lady Spur only slightly worse…hI kitty!
As you wish
Galactic dog brain is actually me.
I’d like to think the upcoming hot new network tv shows that get the most press are the ones that fail the hardest, but then I remember the (greater than one) seasons of Lost.
A doctor who has autism? But doctors are the ones who are causing the autism! Jay Cutler doesn’t know WHAT to think of this show.
Can’t believe they’re starting Doogie Howser up again.
Jay Cutler think Aspen is a place in Colorado where they round up people on the spectrum.
Giving yourself autism is SO UNPROFESSIONAL
Those enemas cost so much!
They call Kyle Rudolph the red nose, because he snorts so much damn cocaine
Week 1 MVP rankings
1- Alex Smith
2- Sam Bradford
WTF
3. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!! defense
Since I’m going to massively overpaying wherever I move to, I should just go for it and move into a fancy apartment complex with a hot tub and a marina, right?
Fuck yes.
We can haz partee at Dokz new pad?
Ill bring a sixer!
“Really, you can do that out West?” -Ben McAdoo
Marina is a Russian live in maid right?
Yep.
My sister is getting her house ready to rent. Judging by SJ rentals, it should only be 5-10K/month.
My sister makes a gazillion bitcoins per week working from home in her spare time.
Ask me how.
/doesn’t really have a sister
See, only one of us is actually joking here… :O
Make sure it has a well paid doorman, but not well paid enough that he can’t be bribed to keep his mouth shut now and then if you know what i mean.
ULTRAimpressive.
Uh oh. Rudolph. Hippo gon b mad.
so mad! KickerPOINTS now needed.
You’re not Diggs.
what fucking grown male would take the time to make a sign that says “Can you Diggs what Dalvins cooking”. I mean how do you even think this is a great idea
It is if Dalvin is cooking meth
Maybe his therapist told him to spend more time with his inner child?
I mean, all of us sit around radiation boxes for hours at a time typing out short, snarky messages to fellow various imaginary goblins, but I digress about the purpose of [DFO].
NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!
I told you Boltman was coming.
Aw. I thought Boltman would stay in San Diego like Youppi! and Montreal.
HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN??
All three of my football teams (UC, OSU, Derpin’ Daltons) somehow outsucked each other much to my chagrin. Other than that life sucks,
A normal weekend in Ohio.
I think I just got eye-fucked by Von Miller.
– Allie Laforce
YOU BETTER call him after
“Come here my little hipster boy, let me make some coke bottle glasses of my own….”
Something tells me that, based on his name, Rick Spielman is one of those guys that really loves talking about himself, even though he has nothing interesting to say
He really is exceptionally bland, even FOAR a white person
just no throws to the TE, jizzface
Howdy Folks. Spur is buzzed. Uber rides home rules. FUCK DUIs
in the 70s you could say, “Oh yeah, sometimes a nice drive around the neighborhood sobers me up” and the majority would agree.
The 70s are like some mythical land of drink and drugs that I’m amazed actually existed
Yeah, a speed bump while driving was a little different.
I’m ideologically opposed to Uber, but they lose so much money on rides that it’s cool
“UBER HATES GAY SOLDIERS”
Smart on both counts, Spur. Driving drunk is just stupid and dangerous. Also asking a friend to drop you off allows the chance to have fun with you and drop you drunk ass off at not your house.
Fun fact: I’ve never paid for an Uber and never will.
I pay in Arby’s coupons.
And rimjobs.
He deserved that.
If you don’t know Chuck Tingle, now you know.
Damn, he’s right.
Relevant “Hark, a Vagrant” comic:
http://www.harkavagrant.com/?id=297
Between Brees & Bradford and Smith & Brady, it seems like the theme for Week 1 is bodyswapped QBs
Justin Pugh wrote this.
https://www.amazon.com/Scratching-Itch-father-law-wants-ebook/dp/B01EP2C3VM/ref=la_B00MCQLD9C_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1505179186&sr=1-1
Dammit, now that’s in my amazon product history, I sense some weird recommendations in my future
Oh no, weird erotica next to vino and stolen hotel robes…
Why would you ever click a link from Buddy and not have it open in an incognito window?
Hehehehehehe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDMBtQjS1bQ
We’re going to hear “route distribution” a hundred million times this season.
How’s the game been so far? I was distracted by reading a humorous book about bureaucracy in the afterlife
Eh, you drink already so you’re good.
There was a novelization of Beetlejuice?
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017WISXO2/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o04_?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Huh. I’ll have to check that out. There might be something good to rip off…er, homage for HRTN…
I enjoyed it. Also, it’s just 99 cents, so kinda hard to go wrong. I initially bought it when I was stocking up my Kindle for travel and thought the cover looked neat
Novelizations already read like stereo instructions.
I can hear something in the distance.
STOMP
STOMP
CLAP
Oh reminds me, I need to get tested.
“Nah, just have your tutor do it for you.”
– UNC “Student” Athletes
add the asterisk so’s I can like it!
I usually just use a cup but okay.
That’s one too many stomps.
Get it together, guys.
STOMP
the steady rumble of femur drums?
Clouds are gathering.
?w=560
I know it’s a little early but how awful is the Thursday night game going to be.
Pretty bad.
Either awful or hilarious. We can only hope for the latter.
Somebody has to score eventually. Theoretically.
/Ends in 0-0 tie