Your “FEED ME MORE!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.

NFL News:

  • The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
    • They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
    • They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
      • The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
  • Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
    • It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
      • Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
    • It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.

Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.


Game Preview: Saints at Vikings

It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)

Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:

Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.

AHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!

His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.

The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.


Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos

So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]

Okay then.

The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,

  

John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.

[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
  •  WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Doktor Zymm
Member

How’s the game been so far? I was distracted by reading a humorous book about bureaucracy in the afterlife

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

There was a novelization of Beetlejuice?

Redshirt
Member

Novelizations already read like stereo instructions.

Doktor Zymm
Member
Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Huh. I’ll have to check that out. There might be something good to rip off…er, homage for HRTN…

Doktor Zymm
Member

I enjoyed it. Also, it’s just 99 cents, so kinda hard to go wrong. I initially bought it when I was stocking up my Kindle for travel and thought the cover looked neat

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Eh, you drink already so you’re good.

litre_cola
Member

I can hear something in the distance.

King Hippo
Member

the steady rumble of femur drums?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Clouds are gathering.
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litre_cola
Member

STOMP

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

STOMP

litre_cola
Member

STOMP

litre_cola
Member

CLAP

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That’s one too many stomps.
Get it together, guys.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh reminds me, I need to get tested.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Nah, just have your tutor do it for you.”

– UNC “Student” Athletes

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I usually just use a cup but okay.

King Hippo
Member

add the asterisk so’s I can like it!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

I know it’s a little early but how awful is the Thursday night game going to be.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Somebody has to score eventually. Theoretically.
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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

/Ends in 0-0 tie

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Either awful or hilarious. We can only hope for the latter.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Pretty bad.
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the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I still find it hilarious that the path to the vikings locker room leads through the restaurant. And they say Wisconsinites have a problem with centering their life around food.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Are you saying that if Andy Reid was the Vikings coach he’d never make it to the field?

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I think the problem would be keeping him from calling timeouts so he can run and get a refill on his BBQ Wings.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m sure they’d send servers out to bring him more.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but fat fucks like us tip well because, well, who else do we have in our lives making happy?

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I was a pizza delivery guy for a while, and I can confirm that fat, lower-middle-class men were the best tippers.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Like I said, heroes like you are the only people in our lives who never judge and are bringing something good. It’s sad, but it’s true.

litre_cola
Member

I read that as strippers.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You gonna eat that?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

/mouth full of Arby’s
“Get my agent on the phone! I want my locker IN the restaurant!”

-M. Stafford, Detroit MI

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Legend has it that Peyton initially demanded a combination Papa Johns/Forehead Massage Parlor be added to Mile High Stadium

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

He can afford to build a food court in his locker.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Sometimes you just need a thigh…..errrrrr, a wing.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Small QB getting killed by terrible O-line pla-

Oh, Christ, I’m having a flashback!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

THIS GUY RANDY MOSS I CALL HIM DAVID CLARKE BECAUSE OLD WHITE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HIM IN THE NORTH BUT MOST HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE DOES

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I guarantee you most of the old white people in the north do not cheer for him because they know exactly what he does.

Q: What is the difference between Randy Moss and a dollar?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

A: You can always get 4 quarters out of a dollar.

King Hippo
Member

YES! Another drive not ending in a Kyle Rudolph TD.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Coach Payton, what can you do to make this come out differently in the second half?”
“Well Suzy, I have a thing at home called the Squatty Potty and honestly I take the cleanest loafs of my life. I haven’t pinched one in about four weeks. That’s how we’ll do it.”

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Dalvin Cook, in a remarkably astute performance, mimics Ivar the Slayer and cuts through the Saints.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

The Saints defense can’t even pass interference right.

King Hippo
Member

I’m just going to flat-out say it. Sam Bradford is pretty fucking good. When he has time to throw, at least. You don’t want him thinking back there.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

He has finally figured out which is his good eye.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

“So how are the Saints going to make up this point deficit, Al?”
“By scoring, Tom. I mean, duh.
“Well, sure…”
“God, you are such an idiot. You know that? How else would a team catch up?”
“I just…”
Tom runs away sobbing.

/pretty much my idea of good commentary

Redshirt
Member

My favorite is when the team plays bad and the commentators start riffing the game MST3K style.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I miss the old days when the announcers would seriously start hitting the booze, especially when the game was garbage early on.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

“We’re a mile high here in Denver, and so am I!” – Dandy Don Meredith with the greatest line ever spoken on MNF.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The greatest Thanksgiving Day line spoken: Bob Trumpy in 1993.

“It’s Leon Lett! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Redshirt
Member

I see by the Sam Bradford’s stats that either Satan has some freshly purchased souls or Christopher Lloyd is working overtime making Sam look competent.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Great Scott!
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The Maestro
Member

My favorite Randy Moss highlight was the time he kicked a field goal… in dress shoes.

http://www.kare11.com/entertainment/television/programs/breaking-the-news/randy-moss-kicks-field-goals-in-dress-shoes/341704884

King Hippo
Member

I love how Moss is incapable of going 3 sentences without saying “man”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Aaron Rodgers is incapable of going three days without men.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Randy Moss rules.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Those are different from Rams rules, correct?

King Hippo
Member

do we need another group chorus of RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!?

litre_cola
Member

RRRRAAAAAMMMMIIIIITTTT

Horatio Cornblower
Member

ESPN host: “Matt what was your reaction to throwing an 86 yard pick-six on your first pass of the season?”

Stafford: (through a mouthful of Krispy Kreme) “Whatever man; I got PAID!”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

His skull fat helmet is becoming Welker-sized.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Black people do not listen to John Cena.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

John Cena makes John Legend look like Louis Farrakhan.

Gratliff
Member

Are you not a fan of Sassy Preacher Jern?

The Maestro
Member

The Maestro
Member

Apparently every 13-year-old white boy finds these hilarious these days and I have no idea why.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Having raised and been a 13 year old white boy I can tell you that they are total idiots.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I can tell you that just by having been 13 years old. God I was an idiot.

I mean I still am, but not as badly as I used to be.

The Maestro
Member

I taught a middle school kid how to play trumpet last summer and Cena’s theme was, like, probably the first thing he wanted to learn how to play, because, of course, duh.

Gratliff
Member

What other reason is there to learn trumpet?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I love Defense, but fuck this guy for that hit on Diggs.

https://twitter.com/FirstDownFR/status/907401340355260416

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

So basically this game is a historical reenactment of the Vikings vs. the Monks in the olde Lindisfarne stadium, circa 793 AD.

King Hippo
Member

Diggs/Thielen is probably the most underrated WR duo in the NFL. They really quite good.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I love how the flag girls for Minnesota is made up of very fat, middle aged white men.

SonOfSpam
Member

If you’re insulting fat, middle-aged white men, you better watch it or I’ll, uh, keep getting all the breaks in life?

King Hippo
Member

oh Mister WInkles….

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Wait…did Dez Bryant make that catch? If so…no catch.

King Hippo
Member

I think he only has one foot after control. NO CATCH.

The Maestro
Member

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King Hippo
Member

Not CONFIRMED. Just not enough evidence to overturn. Twas close to the “conclusive” line FOAR me.

King Hippo
Member

Man, Diggs be good.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

NFL Latino talking shit about the Saints D.

https://twitter.com/NFLlatino/status/907400344992444418

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I love how after a brutal hit like that, everyone is concerned for the receiver. That is good and all, but notice how the defender never left the field. No one is checking up on him.

He is just as likely to be concussed as the fucking receiver.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Oh Saints, you’re always good for a laugh.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Especially Ignatius, amirite?

SonOfSpam
Member

I like Saint Sebastian – he was very holey.

King Hippo
Member

I mean, that muthafucka can slay

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

“Precisely the kind of hit they’re trying to get rid of.”
So let’s make it a 15 yard penalty, which in this case only amounts to a half the d istance, like 2 yards.
If you want to get rid of hit, eject him, suspend him fine him.

make it snow
Member

That looked clean to me live, but… yeah.

The Maestro
Member

Stefon Diggs ded?

The Maestro
Member

‘parently not

King Hippo
Member

if this ends in fucking Rudolph getting a TD, I’mma kill Sean Peyton

King Hippo
Member

why would dumbfuck not wait to use that last timeout until after he saw whether they made it on 3rd down? He only had 2 to use either way.

The Maestro
Member

Exterminator came to bug-bomb the wasp nest that was in my foundation next to the hose tap in the backyard. Instead of dealing with the problem, the wasps have instead moved inside the house, and we’re running around sticking towels under all the door frames to prevent these angry fuckers from spreading.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

There’s one in the attic and it comes through the fan/light right above the shower. I’ve Mugabe’d those motherfuckers for like a week now.

SonOfSpam
Member

Wasps are the fucking worst.

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King Hippo
Member

#NightmareFuel

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Boy you done fucked up now.

The Maestro
Member

Serves my old man right for not just doing the job himself in the middle of the night when they would’ve all been there and died quickly.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m afraid there’s only one option left: nuke it from orbit.

WCS
Member

It’s the only way to be sure.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

I’ve always said that Randy Moss was fast. He had “running over the cops” speed.

Gratliff
Member

How do people forget he tried to murder a meter maid?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Meter maids aren’t people.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Valid defense in at least 17 states.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

So in yesterday’s SEA/GB game, which was worse: The officiating or Seattle’s O-line? I’m gonna go with the O-line. I mean, sure, the refs let Jimmy Graham (who once played basketball) to get mugged like a German tourist in Miami in the endzone, but the O-line seems to be actively trying to get Russell Wilson killed.

King Hippo
Member

yes

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

What O Line?

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Sigh.

Gratliff
Member

Those screens just get more and more impressive

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

What do they call a Sam Bradford touchdown that’s called back on penalties?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I can only imagine the “artwork” Brett Favre left for the Vikings.

litre_cola
Member

Just a piece of grey sandpaper nailed to the wall with a tiny finishing nail

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Microphallocentrism

King Hippo
Member

Is Crazy Eyez…good now? First Baby Buster, then this shit. I dunno nuttin’ no mo

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

IT’S A TOUCHDOWN

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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The Maestro
Member

Sam Bradford threw a… non-checkdown???

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

And Alex Smith threw downfield this week.

It’s a madhouse!!!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

DOGS AND CATS! LIVING TOGETHER!

King Hippo
Member

Litre’s kicker, making Hippo nervous…

litre_cola
Member

I am APs kids balls and you are the switch.

King Hippo
Member

Just lucky the coinflip didn’t tell you to start Diggs.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This comment aged poorly.

Gratliff
Member

So these are still the most wildly inappropriate pictures, right?
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The Maestro
Member

No, this one is.

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I saw a gif of a black kid dancing down the first collapse. I think on reddit. Let me check.

Gratliff
Member

Ah, yes. Reddit and black kids. Only good can come of this venture.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yeah …

SonOfSpam
Member

“I remember seeing that when it happened.”

– Donald Trump

SonOfSpam
Member

Careful, Thiel will sue the site.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Apropos of nothing. Other than this was my sunrise this morning.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Oh, you got a sunrise? I had to wake up while it was dark and drive 400 miles of backroads to deliver an illegal beer shipment!

/none of this is true, but I did watch part of Smokey & the Bandit a few weeks ago

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Sadly, I know that movie by heart.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

2nd-highest grossing movie of ’77, bubba!

Can’t remember what #1 was. Some sci-fi flick, I think…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Did you just call me “Bubba”?
I told IWDB only she could call me that. Can’t trust anybody these days.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

You live in the South. I figger everyone calls you “Bubba.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Those hurricanes really make the colors pop.

Also, HDR.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Good pick up on the HDR. You’d be shocked how dull and gray it was in real life. HDR sunnied that shit up nice.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’m the least capable photographer in my family, but I like to think I still have a good eye.

SonOfSpam
Member

Where is that, Wichita?

litre_cola
Member

Maybe

The Maestro
Member

Ah yes, O-line injuries, something the Saints are definitely equipped to handle…

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

The Seahawks will trade them a 6th-round defensive lineman convert/project. Those work out well.

make it snow
Member

Congratulations to Sean Payton, the vanguard of glorious running back socialism.

King Hippo
Member

and WR/TE socialism, and weak on defense, etc. SUCH A BERNIE BRO ,, smgdh

Gratliff
Member

Oh no. Is he sexist, too!?

King Hippo
Member

well, he is an NFL employee of sorts?

make it snow
Member

Gentlemen.

Gratliff
Member
The Maestro
Member

Fuck I was gonna post this. SCREW IT, DOIN’ IT ANYWAYS

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The Maestro
Member

Fuck, even https:// ain’t workin’.

litre_cola
Member

I have heard Buddys entourage called a lot of things but gentle isnt one of them.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Doubtful, but possible.

SonOfSpam
Member

“Fleener? I didn’t touch her!”

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