Your “FEED ME MORE!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.

NFL News:

  • The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
    • They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
    • They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
      • The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
  • Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
    • It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
      • Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
    • It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.

Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.


Game Preview: Saints at Vikings

It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)

Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:

Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.

AHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!

His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.

The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.


Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos

So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]

Okay then.

The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,

  

John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.

[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL:
    • Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
  •  WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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litre_cola
Member

Told my wife that now that I am a dad I am slowly going to morph in to face painted angry guy. She said she was sure the lawyers in the nerdery (dfo) would find cause for a divorce.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

No cause is necessary.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Spousal non-support on her part.

/nawt a fackin lawyah

The Maestro
Member

Just wrapped up dinner, thinking that this game was starting later… but it’s good to see that I haven’t missed much on the football front.

SonOfSpam
Member

So, the thigh is apparently below the knee now.

hippofant
Member
hippofant

The rule is the knee area or below the knee. And includes subsequent contact, not just initial contact. I could buy that call on that play, at full-speed.

SonOfSpam
Member

THIS HIPPOFANT, I CALL HIM JERRY SEAMAN, BECAUSE HE KNOWS THE NFL RULES AND SEAMAN IS A FUNNY WORD.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

And IWDB needs Brees to put up like 60 points to win this week, so be sure to cheer him on.

King Hippo
Member

Breesus Christ hears all prayers, my son.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

Swept out the garage, and the street below our stupid pine trees. I think that was a better use of my time than this game so far.

King Hippo
Member

Perfect doing fuckall, Kyle Rudolph. Hippo appreciate. With David Johnson deciding between ded and playing the season one-handed, I really need to hang on to this ONE FUCKING WIN, to ensure I don’t pull a Lions.

/reminder that Jacoby Brissett gon’ be my QB

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

In honor or Don Ohlmeyer, I’m going to watch Norm make OJ jokes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

40 more points from Breesus and I can win this thing…

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

75 yard TD to Michael Thomas and you’ve got yourself a deal.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

ESPN got their act together, this stream quality is awesome. That or I actually have Wi-Fi that isn’t abject garbage for the first time in forever.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, right, I forgot that we’re sharing someone’s cable – I don’t have to stream this illegally!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

You don’t have to, but you should take every chance you can to fuck over ESPN and The Shield.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

(that was the joke – sharing cable is also fucking them over)

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yeah, but sharing cable means that someone somewhere is still paying them and the cable company.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

I’m using someone else’s Directv login for all my sports streaming needs. Directv can kiss my white ass!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So Drew Brees will throw for 8 million yards with the parking attendants at wide receiver, but unfortunately they have a defense drugged on Seroquel.

King Hippo
Member

Really unfortunately…that would be an improvement over last year’s “wagonload of desiccated corpses”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

No one circles the wagon like flies in the Superdome.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Is it weird that I feel more stressed after talking to someone about working to relieve some of the external stress on my life?

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

RUB-A-DUB-DUB
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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Gott im Himmel!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Dennis Allen seems like a guy who never actually played football but is one of those “whiz kid” guys in terms of understanding the X’s and O’s on a preternatural level, except that he sucks and is a terrible defensive coordinator.

SonOfSpam
Member

So like if Rain Man was actually stupid in addition to being annoying?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Wish I were in the right time zone to live blog with y’all but fuck it, I’m on vacation. Go Aints!

litre_cola
Member

Have a great timein Denmark, it is fucking excellent.

SonOfSpam
Member

Enjoy St. Maarten!

Horatio Cornblower
Member

THIS SAINTS SECONDARY I CALL THEM SANDUSKY’S SECOND MILE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO INEXPERIENCED TO KNOW WHAT’S COMING!!!!

litre_cola
Member

I see you are in a mood this evening Horatio.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I’m still working. I start a trial tomorrow. Does the stress show?

SonOfSpam
Member

“Start a trial” = finally get to see if those new boner pills work

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
/Jim Irsay and Jerry Jones both try to bust through at the same time

Horatio Cornblower
Member

“Man I hope so!” -Not Horatio’s wife, that poor woman.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I haven’t seen a hit like that since…wait, has Hank Williams Jr. EVER had a hit?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That best hits at that stadium are when regal birds for headlong into the glass facade.

King Hippo
Member

I wonder whether gangs of feral cats loiter outside, or if the feline council has met and deemed it unsporting and is boycotting.

SonOfSpam
Member

Feline counsel?

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King Hippo
Member

I am now imagining Horatio going into court tomorry, and opposing counsel is indeed a cat.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

When he pulls out his chair, there’s already a dead bird on it waiting.

Luckily, opposing counsel is easily distracted by laser pointers.

SonOfSpam
Member

I smell a sitcom! (j/k I farted)

King Hippo
Member

SHITTY CALL. College bullshit bleeding in.

litre_cola
Member

Thats going to cost him. Its ok rookie contracts are guaranteed right?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I’ve seen harder hits than that at Adrian Peterson’s hou…no wait, I’m just making the penalty worse.

Gratliff
Member

Just a smidge over the line on that hit

hippofant
Member
hippofant

Wasn’t even a good hit. I thought it was a butttackle at first.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Some about Bradford makes me uneasy…

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I can’t put my finger on it…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Uncle Ed says quarterbacks with Injun blood are doomed to peter out in December when the spirits are all around.

SonOfSpam
Member

His vision quest involves a successful go route.

King Hippo
Member

That’s why he’ll never get the really big wompum.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Me neither.”

– Jason Pierre-Paul

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Of course the Canuck gives SportsNet as an viewing option but would rather be eaten by sharks in Nanaimo Bay before ever typing RDS.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Just saw this on Twitter and thought of Hippo:

minor dilficulties‏ @ruff_bluffs Sep 9

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Bank of America stadium, where your mortgage is like flying into clear glass.

WCS
Member

Much better than the new A.A. Ron Rodgers commercial:

King Hippo
Member

Rodgers having a dog and/or a pickup truck (non-pocket varietal). I’d give you 5:1 odds.

Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Locally he has both. Confirmed by my own eyeballs.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

KUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!

Nice to see the Saints fans cheering on their fullback after a tough 1st down.

Actually Sean, those are Hank Williams Jr. fans bitching about his new backup singer.

litre_cola
Member

Oh my

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

When Sean Payton tells his running back to switch he gets a feral glean in his eye and looks for a wire hanger in the locker room.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The thing that Adrian Peterson really hates about the cellphone revolution is that it’s a lot harder to get your hands on a good old-fashioned telephone cord.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That and a 5 year old’s screams can now be heard in crystal clear, studio quality sound.

SonOfSpam
Member

“What kinda phone is that again?”

– Jerry Sandusky

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The iPaterno, it has no notifications for the first 40 years though.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I don’t understand Vikings fans booing AP.

Like he is suppose to just stop working when the team cut him?

King Hippo
Member

also, it hardly made your team worse. He’s not good anymore.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

I really cannot fucking comprehend the way fans expect players to have any sort of loyalty to any single franchise.

King Hippo
Member

Given the NFL contract structure?? A player has to be half nuts.

SonOfSpam
Member

“Then I’m ready for the NFL!”

– Lance Armstrong

King Hippo
Member

I am officially an assist man tonight!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Half nuts? That’s my son’s nickname.”

-A Peterson

SonOfSpam
Member

Those are all his kids.

hippofant
Member
hippofant

I have legitimately missed Jon Gruden.

Is this what Stockholm Syndrome feels like?

Gratliff
Member

It’s what fetal alcohol syndrome feels like. How did you make it past the login screen?

hippofant
Member
hippofant

My password is Spider 2 Y Banana.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Spider? Yeah, I got a decent look…”

– Erin Andrew’s stalker

SonOfSpam
Member

That my penis’s nickname.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“Erin Andrew’s stalker” is your penis’s nickname? WEIRD.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yet probably accurate.

SonOfSpam
Member

It’s been called many things, most commonly “Dammit, this subway car sure is crowded.”

Gratliff
Member

Alternative “Yay, the subway car is crowded enough to get away with it*unzips*”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I think a smart thing to do would be to have a facemask so big that it’s pretty much impossible to tackle you without grabbing it. So basically like this except all facemask.

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WCS
Member

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litre_cola
Member

So, really shitty pizza and amazing wings or great pizza and mediocre wings. What do you do hotshot?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Wings. Just don’t eat the pizza.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Great pizza.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I concur.

WCS
Member

Why the fuck are they playing Drop Kick Murphys?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

THAT’S DRAWPKICK MURFFY’S!!!!! ONE WORD YAH FAHCKIN FAHCK!!!!!

King Hippo
Member

I had similar “the fuck?” thought re the Vikings fans dressed up as purple Blues Brothers.

SonOfSpam
Member

New MNF Audio Producer:

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JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

“The great Vikings traditions since 2007”

So a long and industrious tradition of oh wow…almost 10 years.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

That’s almost geologic age in social media terms.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I see that they let Hank Williams, Jr. back on but insisted that he have at least one black guy with him. Racism is solved people!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That black guy is just to remind people of what life would be like if “The South Would Have Won”, namely that he’d be their property.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

It wasn’t Charlie Pride I hope. I mean it’s right in the name FFS.
(and you listen to that steel guitar and you weep….WEEP DAMMIT!!!!)

King Hippo
Member

My granddaddy had lots of Charlie Pride records. He was COOL AS FUCK.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

Hank Williams Jr is proof that talent skips a generation.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Jeebus, please tell me I’m not stroking out …it that Hank Williams Jr on teevee?

/is that burnt toast I’m smelling?

King Hippo
Member

they figured they put the equally reprehensible – BUT BLACK – Puff Daddy (or whatevs he call hisself now) on beside him, it’s all hunky dory

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

His name is Puffy. It will ALWAYS be Puffy no matter what he says.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

If either of my infant children were afraid of the dog I’d have floated them out to sea.

SonOfSpam
Member

That commercial enrages me irrationally. IT’S A GOLDEN RETRIEVER. JESUS. Shoulda formaldehyded that kid like they did in the old country.

Gratliff
Member

You folks can watch the monday night shitshows. Yours truly is gonna be watching Cena v. BRAUUUUUUUUUUN, who has gotten three (3) great matches out of the 45-year-old Big Show in the year of our Lord, 2017.

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I guessed Big Show was at least 50. That he’s even 45 is proof that medical science is fucking amazing.

Gratliff
Member

I think he gets heart surgery like every 3 years or some shit. He sees the writing on the wall.

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

It’s fun to watch football while listening to Cenk Uygur blow up HRC’s new book.

King Hippo
Member

Cenk is a pretentious asshole too. Fire him into the sun along with whoever thought HillyBob’s book was a good goddamned idea.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Nice that that BUFF was headed out to dump a couple tons of JDAMS in the sandbox right as the anthem ended.

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

ner femt?

Missing some fans to hold up white sites huh…

Horatio Cornblower
Member

ESPN is running a Spanish-language version of MNF on ESPN2.

Oh I just can’t wait for Twitter’s calm and well-reasoned reaction to this, and on 9/11 no less.

BRB, gotta take a knee for the anthem.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Spanish announcing has to be better than whatever excrement is spewed in English.

King Hippo
Member

everybody knows Mexico wuz makin’ tacos fer Osama!!!11

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

Shit, I forgot all about 9/11.

SonOfSpam
Member

Long as you didn’t forget about Dre.

King Hippo
Member

you can run to Target for a card at halftime

SonOfSpam
Member

Roses are red
Violets are violet
You’ll lose you some towers
With a Muslim pilot

King Hippo
Member

(ppl forget that) optional!!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Dollar Tree don’t got none? That two shitty cards for a buck deal is hard to pass up. Plus, the terrorists own Hallmark now anyway.

Or was that the Jews? I dunno, it’s all very confusing.

Let’s watch some fitbawwlllll.

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

Maybe I’m just up in the night, but did they ditch the headsets and lip mics in the booth for old-fashioned Carl Monday-style stick mics?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

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King Hippo
Member

HAPPY 9/11 ONE AND ALL!!

I hope everyone enjoyed a nice round of Seal Team Six on the Shelf with friends, family, and/or co-workers on this special holiday.

Now let us enjoy it, with no more than 10 fantasy points more scored by Infidel TE Kyle Rudolph than PK/all around great guy/possible Hidden Imam Brandon McManus.

litre_cola
Member

Early footbawwww! Yeahhh.

King Hippo
Member

followed by LATE bonus footbaw! My kinda 9/11!!

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