JV NFL Parties Alone – 7 October Open Thread

For the record, I am typing this here preview up before my maybe-not-quite-shitty wolves host Louisville Thursday night, and crash like Icarus and send me deeper into depression.  Bell Biv, DeVoe (DaVoe??), now ya know.

Paedo State at Northwestern (Noon, ABC)

It would be nice if the Mildcats did a thing.  I wouldn’t bet on it.

Georgia at Vanderbilt (Noon, ESPN)

I would suspect that Vandy at least forces the Dawgs to throw the ball, which might at least cause a sweat to get broken.  If not, consider me convinced UGA is for realsies.

West By God Virginia at TCU (3:30, FS1)

This will be good, old fashioned Big 12-ish wacky fun time goodness.  Buhlee dat!!  Bloodeyes will have their defense tested.

Miami at Florida State (3:30, ESPN)

Noles have won 7 straight (most not in close fashion) in this series, but look like a semen-encrusted sweatsock so far this season.  But not really sure Da U that much of an upgrade.  Maybe a washcloth?

LSU at Florida (3:30, CBS)

Ed Orgeron’s bunch is a failure pile in a sadness bowl (h/t Patton Oswalt).  And I have no fucking clue how Florida keeps winning every week, let alone blitzing a rival 42-zip like they done UT last week.  But they keep proving me wrong, so hey, purty cheerleaders!

Kansas State at Texas (7:00, FS1)

Highlighted because Undead Bill Snyder still roams the earth, and will likely fuck up the ‘Horns Big 12-ish run before it even gets off the ground.

Alabama at Texas A&M (7:15, ESPN)

Somehow, the Aggies have managed to win out after that soul-crushing choke to open the season at UCLA.  Whilst the Bruins have gone straight down the toilet.  Sometimes momentum is really nothing in sports and in life.  Anyway, Roll Damn Tide is in town, so A-game better be on display.  We shall see.

Washington State at Oregon (8:00, Fox)

Here’s your game of the week, folks.  Plus it will mix Gus Johnson and Mike Leach.  Need I say MOAR?

Stanford at Utah (10:15, FS1)

Another reasonably interesting FS1 matchup, for the tweaker set.  Or for one’s DVR, since they’s fuckall to watch Sunday morning thanks to International Break bullshit.  Team Secular Big Love is undefeated, with a great defense but always with that suspected glass jaw until they take that first real punch.  Well, here it comes.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Unsurprised

Aw, thanks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s nice to hear it from someone other than mom, huh?

WCS

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litre_cola

Mcing a lesbian wedding tonight, stay tuned.

litre_cola

They got back together at my wedding last year, as they were engaged prior but one came back to our sideline for a spell.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Something something once you get a taste of Rod something something
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[starts “film” script in head]

theeWeeBabySeamus

/hopes for very little dialogue

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[mmmmph….mmmm….”OOOOOH!” mmmmmhhhh….mmmm]

So far.

WCS

D-lineman for Boomer Sooner was on the ground, writhing in pain; walks off holding his crotch. We’ve all been there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey speak for yourself pal. I’ve never held his crotch…as far as you know.

Spanky Datass

If the booth keeps slobbing the knob of this Iowa State QB/LB they’re gonna make me hate him … … … yep, there it is, I hate him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tied in Aim: Derek Anderson and John Skelton.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

It’s in Norman.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing that sucks about college football is that when I’m watching it casually my wife never seems to care or bug me about stuff. But when I’m watching NFL football I actually care about there’s always some issue she wants me to deal with. It’s like, just let that home invader take what he wants and he’ll leave on his own, honey, I don’t see why you need ME to get involved.

Romonobyl

I have abilities but was too stupid to keep quiet about it.

Unsurprised

I’ve seen that Brazzers video.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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James Coburn | Ferrari 250 California

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Hippo, might wanna check on dat turkeeeee…just saying.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Half-dozen of wifey’s left over happy happy joy joy pills: check
Fridge full of various Victory IPAs: check
New bottle of Wild Turkey Rye: check

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WCS

It’s either going to be something like 38-34 WVU, or 41-20 Froggies.

WCS

Rut roh. Iowa State goes up, 31-24 at Boomer Sooner.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Christopher Walken ~ At Close Range (1986)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK Bob, it’s just the reserves, it’s just for the weekend. Just throw it smoothly and follow thru, then go home tomorrow and go back to work.

Ahhhh shit.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Impressive, to be honest.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

Iowa State just tied it up with Boomer Sooner.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d be totes disappoint if he didn’t.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Marc Trestman jelly sounds like something Jeffery Dahmer would make.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Looks like, in this case, it can be both!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Kind of an odd way to talk about your date….. but at least you really appreciate it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I’m sure glad I’m not…… [avoids eye contact]

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, nice effort Wake Forest kicker.
OK, no it wasn’t, but at least you shanked it so badly you didn’t have to wonder.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

My son is at that game, visiting his actually real girlfriend, who you wouldn’t know because she goes to school on South Carolina.

Horatio Cornblower

High school sweethearts. She went south, he went north and surprisingly still together. Which is cool because she’s very nice.

I think Skype has a lot to do with it. In my day, (cracks arthritic knee), high school couples going to different colleges had about a two-week life expectancy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/can confirm this

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Her being willing to go south is why he was interested in dating her in the first place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Apparently only Indian Superman can copy paste properly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Caller: Yes, I’d like the kitten that isn’t broken, please.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I haven’t seen a pussy get destroyed like that since Visante Shiancoe’s Prom.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

UGA has a hipster kicker. Black plastic frame glasses, shitty caterpillar/molester moustache, and the ironic number of 98.

nomonkeyfun

I’m surprised he doesn’t kick barefooted, because it would be more authentic, or maybe that would qualify as deconstructed kicking.

Horatio Cornblower

REM? Heard of ’em.

Trevor Semen

Hey guys, what did I miss? Couldn’t have been anything important in the world or football, right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Trevor! Welcome back!

Trevor Semen

I lost almost all interest in football and really any sport that isn’t basketball or wrestling after the Superbowli. It honestly made life feel almost meaningless and filled me with a cloud of nihilism. I wish I was here when it was cool to make jokes about the racist fucknuggets who think we need to lie down on the ground and kiss the boots and assholes of authority.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Winnipeg Tribune, Manitoba, June 7, 1920

nomonkeyfun

Litre_cola’s grandfather?
Time traveling DFOer?
Inquiring minds want to know.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still haven’t gotten back to continue/finish Station Eleven yet. Started it at the beach, then came back home and life kept up its bullshit. Maybe I should do that today, in fact. Fuck Football.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Coming to America is on Amazon Prime and has to be better than whatever game is on.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here trying not to puke. Someone is making something that smells like rotting cat food (the canned shit).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep. I’ve stuck with UGa/Vandy as basecamp long enough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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laserguru

Today I get to do a pretty cool thing. I’m a periodic member of a car research and design team. That’s where we get called to a secret location and give our opinions on vehicle concepts and get paid to give our unbiased and brutally honest opinions.
Fun fact! I helped design the dashboard and general cabin layout of the 2009 Chevy Malibu!

I’ve also helped design braking and steering systems.

The secrecy is legit. No phones, cameras etc. You go through metal detectors and shit.

I was there when they designed the first boxy Scion and when asked my opinion I said “It looks like my cat ate an entire bag of funyans and missed the cat box.”

They pay me to be brutally honest.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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laserguru

It’s pretty fucking far from a TV ad. I usually wear a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and generally give off the same vibe as The Dude.

Like, that’s just my opinion man.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wear a purple jumper this time and go as the Jesus.

laserguru

Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Your car…this car right here? It sucks, mang….
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laserguru

I will stick that ignition switch up your ass and turn the key until it goes “Click.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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laserguru

Why do all of the apes have baguettes?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, maybe you are right; I was thinking dildos.

LemonJello

Miniature baseball bats?

LemonJello

“OOK! OOoookkkk!”

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not drunk enough for that one yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just ’cause it is the weekend doesn’t mean you should be goofin’ off.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

god fucking damn it.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Crunchy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

And now a lot of things start to make sense…

(○)(○)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Small, medium, large and everything in between.

ballsofsteelandfury

Those are pasties, btw.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Our historical road record would like to have a word with you.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh god no, Clemson gonna roll us like a blunt.
And you do have a point about the other. Now if we were going to Winston-Salem…?
(how sad is that?)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe a different analogy? ‘Cause your school will also get a brutal butt-fucking too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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laserguru

Duty now for the future.

ballsofsteelandfury

Stanford is AT Utah. That makes a huge difference. This won’t be that big punch you’re talking about. Wait until they go on the road to a big opponent.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup

theeWeeBabySeamus

Alright, let’s do this….I guess.
(excitement totally real and not faked at all)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Duck donuts? Duck donuts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Virginny

scotchnaut

World Cup Qualifying, bitches-I’m gonna take in Faroe Islands/Latvia.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Literally doubling the previous viewership.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WHO’S A GOOD BOY?!?! YOU ARE A GOOD BOY!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why is it so sunny out?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Wish me luck. My son’s room has been invaded by yellow-jackets and I’m goin’ in.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did you tell him this is a learning opportunity for him and hand him a catcher’s mask, some rubber gloves, and a fly swatter?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Needs a condom too.

Horatio Cornblower

He’s at college. I was tempted to just leave them all in there and surprise him at Thanksgiving with his new roommates but his mother wouldn’t let me.

scotchnaut

[rolls eyes] I know for a fact that you live in Connecticut, not Georgia. Nice try.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

I remember when WSU was terrible. Just really terrible. Like, didn’t go to a bowl game for a decade beginning in ’03. They looked like perennial bottom-feeders at a time when even Washington, Oregon State, and the two new additions to the PAC-10 (Utah & Colorado) were building programs that would rarely compete for the cellar of the conference. Even Arizona, while not a world-beater, looked like they might figure our how to be a consistent bowl team with the occasional PAC-12 South upset (on fluke years with a favorable unbalanced schedule).

Instead, WSU is a real life program and UA looks one blowout away from firing Rich Rodriguez (who took in WAY too much cash while coach here) or, at best — lemme check the schedule — yeah, the 2-2 Wildcats could easily end the year as a 3-win team.

So here’s my problem — if we know how to pay basketball players a shitpot of cash to come make the hoops team good, why the fuck can’t we manage those same logistics on the ol’ gridiron?

ballsofsteelandfury

Ah, the UCLA conundrum!

ballsofsteelandfury

UCLA is on the exact same spot that the Arizona Wildcats are. Rich Rodriguez is not a horrible coach yet they are where they are. Same with Mora. I really don’t think he’s the main problem.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s the sad part. From the beginning of time, UCLA should be USC 2.0 yet it hasn’t been. That’s not on the coach, whoever it is. That’s an administration that is happy being a “basketball” school. Same as with the Wildcats.

Horatio Cornblower

Just turned on the Euro footy and NBCSN is showing minor league auto racing instead. But they’re showing a race from a track in Stafford Springs, which is about 20 minutes from my house. The funny thing is they keep describing where Stafford Springs is, because it really is in the middle of nowhere. Good place to get meth, or so I’m told.

If you’re ever in Stafford Springs there is a restaurant called J&D, on Main Street, that looks like a dump from the outside and not a whole hell of a lot better from the inside. But the food is fantastic, especially the Mexican dishes.

This has been “Fun Facts About Stafford Springs With Horatio!”, brought to you by the Stafford Springs Chamber of Commerce, a thing that may or may not exist.

DontHair

Being at work on a Saturday fucking sucks.

scotchnaut

Do you have to put in a solid eight hours?

nomonkeyfun

I’ve been at LaGuardia since 8. I know how Hippo’s toilet feels.

nomonkeyfun

That would be 7 (DFO) time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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