Your Second Round of NFL Action Open Thread

Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!

Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.

Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.

GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.

Go get ’em, Kiddos!

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King Hippo

This Aaron Jones looks right good.

Spur

Here we go

blaxabbath

Just funny, uh, hearing a girl talk about injuries. You know, like a woman would know about being a MAN doctor…

LemonJello

So good.

...

Last week I saw a dude on Twitter explain what a vagina is to a *woman.*

Romonobyl

If I didn’t already know what a vagina was, I’d be searching her backside for an entrance wound.

...

My favorite obscure nickname for vagina is “axe wound.”

LemonJello

Gottdamn! Woke my dog laughing at this.

Romonobyl

Do girls even have fibulas?

blaxabbath

Why do these helmet scientists have to work on their dummies in Colts stadium? There is nothing advantageous about being in that space for their research.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Raiders get it to within 7 I’ll take a shot of something I hate. Smirnoff Chocolat Kokonut, perhaps?

LemonJello

Seems extreme to me, but it’s your liver.

blaxabbath

Panda Express has commercials now?

litre_cola

If we could have a RAMMIT FG that would be great.

Duchess

Maybe just maybe Pence shouldn’t be pretending his leaving the Colts game early because of disgust when he has an early fundraiser in California int he same day.

blaxabbath

I just KNEW there’d be some stupid obvious proof that never planned to stay at that game!

King Hippo

Look at Baby Buster go! He’s no longer a turd out there!!

blaxabbath

I like Gonzalez on the fox team. He’s got good analysis, isn’t too stiff, and doesn’t get goofy with the rest of those dweebs Bradshaw and Strahan.

Brick Meathook

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LemonJello

What. The. Fuck?

The Maestro

I think it’s fucking bullshit how taking your pants off while attending a family dinner is frowned upon. This sucks.

King Hippo

could be looking at another late drive setting up a FG to win 43-42?

fleshwound_NPG

“BALLS OUT”

Romonobyl

Way ahead of you.

King Hippo

shit, how you get single coverage on Dez in that sitch?

Shogun Marcus

Hey Litre…you said an open wedding bar nearly killed you? That’s EVERY WEDDING, EVERY WEEKEND round here.

litre_cola

Yeah, high end wine and I as the emcee and had waaaayyyy too much.

King Hippo

didja get in my tootsie pop query? If not, you surely didn’t drank enuff imo godbless

King Hippo

but with lesbians??

fleshwound_NPG

banning same sex marriages is silly, they sound lit as fuck

litre_cola

Sure was! I don’t think I said anything that I shouldn’t have, like how 1 of them had a wee break last year and changed sidelines.

Shogun Marcus

O AN U NOE WE NEED NO REASON TO DRANK.

LemonJello

Our goddess SHAN’KHLOR is pissed at Crosby…almost like Yahweh is with Brocky.

litre_cola

I am 0-4 in HRTN FF yet I will beat Brocky this week. He is truly cursed.

fleshwound_NPG

They gotta bench Crosby and bring in either Malkin or Kessel

Spur

And Packers receive in the second half. Shit.

King Hippo

DAK! will get at least 3 before the half.

Romonobyl

I was afraid it was gonna be this kind of game.

King Hippo

The kind of game where Mason Crosby scores -2, yeah!

blaxabbath

Wait ! OBJ broke his leg??

I FINALLY HAVE THE PERFECT SUBJECT FOR MY HALLOWEEN ENTRY!

litre_cola

Thought you were going as your alter ego an optometrist

blaxabbath

Halloween stories

Shogun Marcus

I thought ophthalmologist?

LemonJello

I thought he was an ornithologist?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oncologist? He was a cancer, after all.

Shogun Marcus

Pathologist. He’s ded to us.

LemonJello

Hydrologist. It’s all water under the bridge now.

Spur

What a stupid fucking penalty

Spur

SACK and teabag on Rodgers

theeWeeBabySeamus

He gets FF points for that I think.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Soooorrry…I confused “FF points” with “erection” again.

Shogun Marcus

Is that what sweet tea is?

King Hippo

Big sack by the Medicine Woman!!

litre_cola

This made me laugh more than it should have.

King Hippo

I am a very silly Hippo

The Maestro

Well, been playing lawn games with the family and not watching football. The good news is I’ve had a million beers and have been winning. The bad news is that I’m not watching football.

Romonobyl

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Spur

he got the 1st but Rodgers got drilled from behind.

Senor Weaselo

So, win-win?

Shogun Marcus

Just like an unchaperoned woman in jj’s suite. Yeehaw.

LemonJello

“RODGERS GOT BLASTED!”
*sighs*
-Joe Buck

fleshwound_NPG

fuck yea, only in america you can win an auto race and win a fuckin gun

https://twitter.com/NoahGRacing/status/917138690568261633

Dunstan

Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?

King Hippo

GLOREE BOY

Shogun Marcus

No one respects your run game gb…stop trying to make fetch a thing.

King Hippo

Damn it, RRRRRAM IT!!

Spur

Was that Packer being checked for lint?

LemonJello

The Fox NFL Kickoff crew looks abso-fuckin-lutely rage inducing.

...

So like everything else in the world?

LemonJello

Pretty much.

Romonobyl

Even has a poor-man’s Megyn Kelly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought Megyn Kelly was a poor man’s Megyn Kelly.

LemonJello

So, a homeless man’s Megyn Kelly, then.

Dunstan

“I offered to make her a rich man’s Megyn Kelly” — Roger Ailes
“Hey, me too!” — Harvey Weinstein

Spur

Let’s go Defense. Stomp some cheese.

litre_cola

STOMP STOMP CLAP?

Shogun Marcus

That’s stomp stomp squish!
/come on wine guy…geez.

litre_cola

Open bar at that wedding last night ruined me.

Shogun Marcus

Now begins the annual midseason pitchfork parade (no torches this year cuz obvs). One more game (loss), bye, return (loss), then stumble to win the division and bomb out. Is the way of things.

Bogdanski

Pretty big walker/packer fan overlap. There’ll be tiki torches.

Shogun Marcus

I will and have said many unpositive things about the walker, but that’s one line he doesn’t cross. Yet.

Bogdanski

Probably, but he is pretty intent on screwing over mke for some reason…

Shogun Marcus

No argument there. Lived there as he burned it down.

Spur

Did y’all know Jimmy Graham flies a plane to work?

Romonobyl

Instead of a first class lounge, there’s a half-court.

Brick Meathook

THEY THROW FISH AT HIM

Spanky Datass

X!

Spur

X

Redshirt

Is someone hurt for real?!

theeWeeBabySeamus

My feelings are a little bit hurt.
Does that count?

King Hippo

Ded in both suicide pools, losing both fantasy leagues, SAWX are even winning. This is just a peach of a day, huh?

litre_cola

Scotland lost too!

/not over the fact that the Tartan Army isn’t invading Russia

Senor Weaselo

Kilts for some, miniature Scottish flags for others? No, no, kilts for all.

Romonobyl

Not pants, so count me in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Could be worse…could be raining.
/looks outside

Well fuck everything then I guess.

Spur

Go for it. Fuck it.

Romonobyl

I’m digging these gutsy calls, until they fuck up then it’s idiotic.

Romonobyl

Dak Prescott:

Talented – yes
Likeable – yes
Intelligent – check
Consistent – sure

And with Dallas????

Redshirt

Dallas gets lucky with QBs.

My virtual QB in NCAA Football got drafted by Arizona. Despite winning three Heismans, having a 93 running and being a higher rating than starter, Arizona kept Virtual Redshirt on bench. After three years, Warner retired, Cardinals wanted to resign me as the starter. I told them to bite me, went to Dallas, won the next 10 Super Bowls.

Spur

Packer fans have PTSD from Kap running

Shogun Marcus

Well it’d be a hate crime to hit either one.

LemonJello

DAK ATTACK!

Spur

Dallas needs a score here. Step on their throat! Pull their hair! Rub sand on their nipples!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Spank ’em.
/might not understand the situation

Redshirt

Spit in their mouth. Tell them they’re shit.

/may have said too much.

litre_cola

Really hard to watch football with this erection.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Give it time, it gets easier.
Or so I’m told.

LemonJello

Compliment their uniforms! Ask for local restaurant recommendations!

/may not be doing this right

Senor Weaselo

Make them kiss the curb! Sic the dementors on ’em!
/I’m not sure which way we’re going anymore

litre_cola

Throw the fucking ball to Baldwin you celibate bastard.

King Hippo

THAT good enough dedication??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “bald” I thought you were talking about Matt Hasselbeck but then you said “win” so I knew you weren’t.

Shogun Marcus

I already had written this game off, but jebus i wasn’t thinking they’d let all the healthy peeples AND the franchise get killed.

Redshirt

OBJ broke his leg.

Spur

is that bad?

Romonobyl

If you’re a Clydesdale.

Redshirt

Broken Fibula. Will do MRI tomorrow to check for ligament damage.

LemonJello

Eli is already practicing his cursive so he can sign the cast like a big boy.

King Hippo

get Scotchy all teh scotch

/OBJ quite ded

fleshwound_NPG

Wait, Dallas has D-linemen that does things?

Shogun Marcus

Until his next ped suspension, yes.