Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!
Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.
Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.
GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.
Go get ’em, Kiddos!
This Aaron Jones looks right good.
Here we go
Just funny, uh, hearing a girl talk about injuries. You know, like a woman would know about being a MAN doctor…
So good.
Last week I saw a dude on Twitter explain what a vagina is to a *woman.*
If I didn’t already know what a vagina was, I’d be searching her backside for an entrance wound.
My favorite obscure nickname for vagina is “axe wound.”
Gottdamn! Woke my dog laughing at this.
Do girls even have fibulas?
Why do these helmet scientists have to work on their dummies in Colts stadium? There is nothing advantageous about being in that space for their research.
Raiders get it to within 7 I’ll take a shot of something I hate. Smirnoff Chocolat Kokonut, perhaps?
Seems extreme to me, but it’s your liver.
Panda Express has commercials now?
If we could have a RAMMIT FG that would be great.
Maybe just maybe Pence shouldn’t be pretending his leaving the Colts game early because of disgust when he has an early fundraiser in California int he same day.
I just KNEW there’d be some stupid obvious proof that never planned to stay at that game!
Look at Baby Buster go! He’s no longer a turd out there!!
I like Gonzalez on the fox team. He’s got good analysis, isn’t too stiff, and doesn’t get goofy with the rest of those dweebs Bradshaw and Strahan.
nuke michigan into the sun
http://www.detroitnews.com/story/news/local/michigan/2017/10/06/rape-victim-attacker-joint-child-custody/106374256/
What. The. Fuck?
I think it’s fucking bullshit how taking your pants off while attending a family dinner is frowned upon. This sucks.
could be looking at another late drive setting up a FG to win 43-42?
“BALLS OUT”
Way ahead of you.
shit, how you get single coverage on Dez in that sitch?
Hey Litre…you said an open wedding bar nearly killed you? That’s EVERY WEDDING, EVERY WEEKEND round here.
Yeah, high end wine and I as the emcee and had waaaayyyy too much.
didja get in my tootsie pop query? If not, you surely didn’t drank enuff imo godbless
but with lesbians??
banning same sex marriages is silly, they sound lit as fuck
Sure was! I don’t think I said anything that I shouldn’t have, like how 1 of them had a wee break last year and changed sidelines.
O AN U NOE WE NEED NO REASON TO DRANK.
Our goddess SHAN’KHLOR is pissed at Crosby…almost like Yahweh is with Brocky.
I am 0-4 in HRTN FF yet I will beat Brocky this week. He is truly cursed.
They gotta bench Crosby and bring in either Malkin or Kessel
And Packers receive in the second half. Shit.
DAK! will get at least 3 before the half.
I was afraid it was gonna be this kind of game.
The kind of game where Mason Crosby scores -2, yeah!
Wait ! OBJ broke his leg??
I FINALLY HAVE THE PERFECT SUBJECT FOR MY HALLOWEEN ENTRY!
Thought you were going as your alter ego an optometrist
Halloween stories
I thought ophthalmologist?
I thought he was an ornithologist?
Oncologist? He was a cancer, after all.
Pathologist. He’s ded to us.
Hydrologist. It’s all water under the bridge now.
What a stupid fucking penalty
SACK and teabag on Rodgers
He gets FF points for that I think.
Soooorrry…I confused “FF points” with “erection” again.
Is that what sweet tea is?
Big sack by the Medicine Woman!!
This made me laugh more than it should have.
I am a very silly Hippo
Well, been playing lawn games with the family and not watching football. The good news is I’ve had a million beers and have been winning. The bad news is that I’m not watching football.
he got the 1st but Rodgers got drilled from behind.
So, win-win?
Just like an unchaperoned woman in jj’s suite. Yeehaw.
“RODGERS GOT BLASTED!”
*sighs*
-Joe Buck
fuck yea, only in america you can win an auto race and win a fuckin gun
https://twitter.com/NoahGRacing/status/917138690568261633
Odell Beckham can catch with one hand, can’t he run on one ankle?
GLOREE BOY
No one respects your run game gb…stop trying to make fetch a thing.
Damn it, RRRRRAM IT!!
Was that Packer being checked for lint?
The Fox NFL Kickoff crew looks abso-fuckin-lutely rage inducing.
So like everything else in the world?
Pretty much.
Even has a poor-man’s Megyn Kelly.
I thought Megyn Kelly was a poor man’s Megyn Kelly.
So, a homeless man’s Megyn Kelly, then.
“I offered to make her a rich man’s Megyn Kelly” — Roger Ailes
“Hey, me too!” — Harvey Weinstein
Let’s go Defense. Stomp some cheese.
STOMP STOMP CLAP?
That’s stomp stomp squish!
/come on wine guy…geez.
Open bar at that wedding last night ruined me.
Now begins the annual midseason pitchfork parade (no torches this year cuz obvs). One more game (loss), bye, return (loss), then stumble to win the division and bomb out. Is the way of things.
Pretty big walker/packer fan overlap. There’ll be tiki torches.
I will and have said many unpositive things about the walker, but that’s one line he doesn’t cross. Yet.
Probably, but he is pretty intent on screwing over mke for some reason…
No argument there. Lived there as he burned it down.
Did y’all know Jimmy Graham flies a plane to work?
Instead of a first class lounge, there’s a half-court.
THEY THROW FISH AT HIM
X!
X
Is someone hurt for real?!
My feelings are a little bit hurt.
Does that count?
Ded in both suicide pools, losing both fantasy leagues, SAWX are even winning. This is just a peach of a day, huh?
Scotland lost too!
/not over the fact that the Tartan Army isn’t invading Russia
Kilts for some, miniature Scottish flags for others? No, no, kilts for all.
Not pants, so count me in.
Could be worse…could be raining.
/looks outside
Well fuck everything then I guess.
Go for it. Fuck it.
I’m digging these gutsy calls, until they fuck up then it’s idiotic.
Dak Prescott:
Talented – yes
Likeable – yes
Intelligent – check
Consistent – sure
And with Dallas????
Dallas gets lucky with QBs.
My virtual QB in NCAA Football got drafted by Arizona. Despite winning three Heismans, having a 93 running and being a higher rating than starter, Arizona kept Virtual Redshirt on bench. After three years, Warner retired, Cardinals wanted to resign me as the starter. I told them to bite me, went to Dallas, won the next 10 Super Bowls.
Packer fans have PTSD from Kap running
Well it’d be a hate crime to hit either one.
DAK ATTACK!
Dallas needs a score here. Step on their throat! Pull their hair! Rub sand on their nipples!
Spank ’em.
/might not understand the situation
Spit in their mouth. Tell them they’re shit.
/may have said too much.
Really hard to watch football with this erection.
Give it time, it gets easier.
Or so I’m told.
Compliment their uniforms! Ask for local restaurant recommendations!
/may not be doing this right
Make them kiss the curb! Sic the dementors on ’em!
/I’m not sure which way we’re going anymore
Throw the fucking ball to Baldwin you celibate bastard.
THAT good enough dedication??
When you said “bald” I thought you were talking about Matt Hasselbeck but then you said “win” so I knew you weren’t.
I already had written this game off, but jebus i wasn’t thinking they’d let all the healthy peeples AND the franchise get killed.
OBJ broke his leg.
is that bad?
If you’re a Clydesdale.
Broken Fibula. Will do MRI tomorrow to check for ligament damage.
Eli is already practicing his cursive so he can sign the cast like a big boy.
get Scotchy all teh scotch
/OBJ quite ded
Wait, Dallas has D-linemen that does things?
Until his next ped suspension, yes.