2016 U.S. Open Primer

WCS
Launch nukes

WCS

WCS
Launch nukes

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STANLEY CUP WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Enjoy the golf.

 

No, just kidding. Today marks the start of the year’s second golf major, our national championship, the US Open. It’s second of the four annual biggest events on the golf calendar, and has an earned reputation as being the “toughest test in golf.” That is most definitely the case this year, as the US Open returns, for the record, ninth time to historic Oakmont Country Club, located just outside of my hometown of Yinzburgh, PA.

For me, this is where the fun really begins. There’s none of the snooty attitude that Augusta National carries with it. This is supposed to be challenging, and the best test there is. It’s also the most democratic field in golf: anyone who wants to try, can sign up for local qualifying. Make through that, you’re on to regional qualifers. Pass that, you’re into the sectionals. If you finish in the top 35-45 (depends on the year) in the sectional round, you’re in the Open. Tony Romo infamously tried this twice in the early 2010s, with typical Romobylian results.

 

The proverbial favorites are again listed as those expected to raise the trophy Sunday evening. World Numbers 1-3, Jason Day, Jordan Speith, and Rory McIlroy all have wins around the world in 2016. Others mentioned as contenders are Dustin Johnson,  2013 US Open champ Justin Rose (provided his bad back allows him to play), and Masters champion (and successful WCS pick) Danny Willett. Let’s also not forget this is Phil Mickelson’s 26th attempt to win the national championship. It’s the only major he has not won; he’s been runner-up a record six times. If it is Phil’s week, he’ll become just the sixth player to complete the career grand slam.

Oakmont is known for it’s ridiculous rough, and it’s lightening-fast greens. Whomever wins will need their short game and putter on point. The weather is also expected to have a major role. Thunderstorms and showers are predicted all through Thursday, and early Friday. This will soften the course, and essentially end the hopes of guys like Luke Donald, 2003 winner Jim Furyk, and 2014 champ Martin Kaymer. All three all world-class players, but, just don’t have the driver distance to make up for a soft course.

The coverage begins at 10:00 EST on FS1, and then at 17:00 on Fox. I honestly don’t have any intuition who will be adding “US Open Champion” to their resume Sunday night, so I’m going cheap, and saying Rickie Fowler.

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blaxabbathJerBear50UnsurprisedCuntlerHoratio Cornblower Recent comment authors
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JerBear50
JerBear50

I can’t see the weather really having much of an effect.
http://golf.swingbyswing.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Lightening_Caddyshack2.gif

Horatio Cornblower

Not even making this up; first kid to have his name mispronounced is Muslim.

Horatio Cornblower

WE’VE GOT BEACH BALLS!!!

scotchnaut

Head on over to the open thread, buckaroo.

Horatio Cornblower

The principal is telling a fun story about why you shouldn’t take notes at a funeral.

That’s why he makes the big bucks.

Horatio Cornblower

Now for some reason the school orchestra is playing the Star Wars theme.

We have 272 names to get through tonight. This is not helping.

Horatio Cornblower

He’s quoting The Golden Girls.

Help me.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Did you not pack a flask? That’s on you, friend.

scotchnaut

[on edge of seat]

Which One? Blanche? Is it Blanche?

Horatio Cornblower

Sophia.

And my Mom took my flask.

scotchnaut

Goddamn it. I had $25 riding on Blanche.

JerBear50
JerBear50

She’s a classy belle. It will cost you way more than $25 to ride on her.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fuck your mom.

Horatio Cornblower

The special guest speaker is a local meteorologist.

Jesus.

scotchnaut

Ask him why the sky is blue.

theeWeeBabySeamus

When I graduated, at least we had the local sports anchor.
Sheesh.

scotchnaut

No matter what your initial intentions with regards to feeding your kids well, Kraft Dinner will at some point rear its ugly head. I’ve never liked it-I refused to eat it as a kid because I didn’t like the flavour.

On a whim I picked up Kraft Dinner Deluxe about two years ago. That shit is amazingly good! I’ve still not had a bowlful because it’s like cocaine to me and I sure don’t want to go down that road again.

Horatio Cornblower

At my son’s high school graduation. No valdectorian or school ranks and the first kid to speak is STILL Asian!! SMGDH. No ofence God bles.

Senor Weaselo

Congrats Horatio!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

So, does this mean he is officially someone else’s problem?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, want one.

Senor Weaselo

So I am at the Aggro Crag and just saw the most Masshole thing! Guy rolls up the Crag, attacks his friend, rolls back, falls down, has difficulty getting back up. After talking a big game.

And then I just got interviewed, and the girl asked if I could win and I just said “Eh.”

blaxabbath

Uhhh….where are you again?

Senor Weaselo

I’m currently in downtown NYC where they set up the Aggro Crag in a re-skinned color for a Mountain Dew promotion. I’m here for the Crag, not the drinks.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Those Britain First/UKIP fuckers killed Jo Cox.

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I met Jo Cox once while she was representing Oxfam at a benefit in Brussels.

There was such a warmth in her presence. She had so much to give.

And now she’s dead.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jun/16/labour-mp-jo-cox-shot-in-west-yorkshire

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blaxabbath

Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll pull off the Cox mask to reveal [insert name of US politician everyone hates….”All of Congress?”].

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Please just leave me the fuck alone.

I don’t reply to your comments or vandalize the comment threads on your posts.

You are a cipher, a zero, a total nonentity. Your opinion means less to me than kangaroos I’ve never met.

And yet here I am, forced to deal with your truly tasteless and unfunny “joke” about the murder of a person who I knew personally and held in the highest possible regard.

Please, for the last time, just walk away and leave me be.

Cuntler

Man, for someone who told the collective group of us to fuck off and die, and then stormed out of here like a 4th grader having a temper tantrum, you sure are high and mighty.

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blaxabbath

Granted, not every joke around here is a Touchdown….

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised
blaxabbath

Wasn’t really a POV guy before this….