Your Second Round of NFL Action Open Thread

Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!

Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.

Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.

GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.

Go get ’em, Kiddos!

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King Hippo

Last gasp for RRRRRRAM IT!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT NOT A PENALTY?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Helmet to helmet on Seth Roberts, but officials are like, no, we want to go home.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shit my stream–which I presume is totally legal–just cut out

blaxabbath

Was Pence’s NFL stunt a move to win some of Trump’s base? Will Trump take it as a threat? Is Pencing moving on the Presidency like a bitch?!

Shogun Marcus

He was under orders.

blaxabbath

But doesn’t that seem stupid of Trump then? I mean, the spotlight is HIS. The NFL battle belongs to him so that should be his move.

Or do you think he’s unsure how popular it is so he’s testing the waters of a Cowboys game he’ll go to and sit front row and be threatening to walk out to individual players. Then post-game, when Jerruh makes them stand, Trump will tell everyone how those thugs wouldn’t dare challenge him and that is why Trump keeps us all safe from black men.

Shogun Marcus

Trump tweeted (obvs) that he told him to do it. The whole thing was planned to the minute.

blaxabbath

Just seems dumb of Trump to give that attention to Pence. That’s Donnie’s wheelhouse.

Brick Meathook

I was up all night doing a cram course in Python and TCL coding. I started out knowing almost nothing, yet by the third lesson I was able to design and build this jet engine using only common household materials:
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blaxabbath

Those gears made out of baking soda clay?

Romonobyl

Centrifugal flow? How very ’50s of you.

Shogun Marcus

I would doubt you, but it’s just crazy enough to be true.

LemonJello

Brick, are you Badger from “Better Off Dead”?
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Romonobyl

And proud of it!

Spur

The cowboys got a stop!

Romonobyl

So Double J won’t spring for a set of mini-blinds?

fleshwound_NPG

“Pretty big load…”

Spur

Rodgers favorite pass was at that hot Iranian guy, He still can’t believe it worked.

Spur

Just let Rodgers score his TD quickly.

King Hippo

this weekend has reminded me that I know absolutely tits fuckall about the NFL

Horatio Cornblower

This season has been as though the NFL is auditioning for the 3rd season of ‘Stranger Things’, and so far I have to say they’ve got a real shot.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know if they’re even gonna get the fucking ball back; and this drive started with 7:00 on the clock.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Gee, I wonder if they’ll run it.”

– Raiders defensive coordinator, apparently

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dear Sammy Watkins: thanks for being more useless than my penis during my junior year of high school

King Hippo

way to humblebrag as to the limited period of your penis’ uselessness ,, smgdh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not when you consider he had to repeat that year three times.

Romonobyl

“It would have been only twice if the shop teacher wasn’t such a liar!”

Romonobyl

Finally…

King Hippo

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! letting me and their legion of rabid LA fans down.

Shogun Marcus

Yes why isn’t Goff moar?

Senor Weaselo

Whoa, whoa, legion is generous. Maybe cohort.

fleshwound_NPG

Super Bowl I rematch in Feb? I’m down with a 55-51 game.

Horatio Cornblower

Why would you cover a white WR anyway?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

#MAGA #GLOREEBOYS

Spur

I fucking hate Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

Horatio Cornblower

My plan is to buy enough of that fan stock to take over Green Bay’s ownership and then trade Rodgers to the Bengals.

So far my plan isn’t working very well. All I’ve got is this stack or worthless paper and a completely unwarranted attitude of superiority.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, compared to Wisconsin residents I wouldn’t say it’s completely unwarranted.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

WHOAH THE FACK NEEDS PAPAH FAH THAT?

-Tawmee

Romonobyl

Like it’s carved in stone.

Redshirt

Dare they go for the PAT kick?

fleshwound_NPG

lady, why are you wearing gloves in hot weather

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably about to do the dishes and ran out of Palmolive so she has to use that harsh generic soap.

Petronel

Simian-level arm hair.

Brick Meathook

Because I told her to.

Romonobyl

So she could slowly pull them off with her teeth…duh!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All right Raiders get within 3 and I’ll take a shot of Stoli Gala Apple, which I also hate. Chocolat Kokonut deal for a tie still stands.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No krokodil?

King Hippo

he didn’t say what fer taking the lead…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean it’s pretty close.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

SO MANY FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD IN DALLAS

Horatio Cornblower

Real subtle hold there by Lewis; not sure how the refs saw it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This Packers-Dallas game is more contested than the last bratwurst at a Racine dive bar

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A smart bar would auction off their “last” bratwurst and then realize ten minutes later that they have another dozen or so left.

Shogun Marcus

FALSE. NO SUCH THING AS “LAST” BRAT.

Shogun Marcus

I had to wait for confirmation, but I was right.
Lady Shogun is in fact responsible for the Aaron Rodgers birthday hat picture posted earlier.

fleshwound_NPG

onions to go for it on 4th deserves a hot blonde

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litre_cola

How is Big Bang Theory still on television????

King Hippo

A-mer-i-ca

Romonobyl

And they cancelled Last Man Standing, which got good ratings but didn’t fit in politically.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They should relaunch Last Man Standing as a reality show about the Minnesota Vikings.

King Hippo

with Bradford and Bridgewater sewn together?

Shogun Marcus

American Horror Story: Freak Show? Or Cult?

Redshirt

Because Conservative = Evil

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The last few years have pretty much proven that

blaxabbath

Network tv is the bottom of our barrel.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, I can’t feel anything but pity for that kid who has over $100k in student loans.

Romonobyl

But is a Liberal Arts degree required to be a barista?

blaxabbath

Will be at my prison coffee house.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean it looks like he’s angling to be a politician so he’ll make it back in graft soon enough.

blaxabbath

Mike McCarthy?

He’s just that bad with his money.

Shogun Marcus

Those were very un-ivy league words.

King Hippo

Smart curling into a ball, just like Lucille taught him.

Spur

There’s the makeup call. Just move on.

Romonobyl

Welp, we’re even now.

blaxabbath

Wow – big turnaround for DAL.

Brick Meathook

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LemonJello

Bit of fire-retardant pants cleaning required after this run.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The refs in this Raiders game are in no hurry to call that forward progress has stopped.

blaxabbath

I feel like Coke never has big money endorsements whereas Pepsi burns a lot on those agreements (ie – Britney Spears).

Sort of the same thing like McDonald’s (post-Jordan) — though I can’t think of who the Pepsi is in fast food America.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Burger King.

Romonobyl

Wendys?

blaxabbath

KFC? KFC is a YUM! Brand — a spinoff from Pepsico.

LemonJello

With all the incarnations of the Colonel lately, this may be the best answer.

Senor Weaselo

It would be Burger King, but they don’t really have big celeb endorsements either.

blaxabbath

Wow – really? I feel like they used to be bigger but we like in decline. I was gonna guess like a Jack n Box or Carl’s Jr, yeah.

King Hippo

the muthafuckin’ SKLAR BROS ain’t big to you??

Spur

Carl’s Jr

Shogun Marcus

Coke doesn’t need to.

blaxabbath

Yeah – like, it’s crazy what a piece of culture they are. Like, their ads aren’t even ads, just a reminder that they’re still around and that you love them.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m reading this while drinking a Mexican Coke, and none of what you are saying is wrong.

Shogun Marcus

Defense stunned to discover there is in fact, a 4th down.

Senor Weaselo

“Really?” -Cameron Wake his rookie year

Spur

Dallas is taking the second half off again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh man, if the ball hits the uprights on a kickoff it should be live.

Senor Weaselo

Just like Arena Football!

blaxabbath

I’d go with this rule!

fleshwound_NPG

do this, and make the uprights extra wide girders, so it happens at least once a game

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My mistake, it was actually Stoli. All right, Raiders. New deal: tie the game up and I’ll take another shot of hangover-in-a-bottle.

Spur

No kids!!! DONT HURT ODELL ANYMORE!

blaxabbath

Stop! He’s already dead.gif

fleshwound_NPG

right between the uprights

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litre_cola

Delicious.

Shogun Marcus

That was reidian.

blaxabbath

Autism is a trait I’d look for in drafting an NFL quarterback. Not a ton, of course, but just to give him a bit of an edge.

Shogun Marcus

So…The Good Quarterback, this fall on abc?

Redshirt

Cleveland Browns: 4 to 5
Cincinnati Bengals: 5 to 1
New York Jets: 7 to 1

Romonobyl

Starring THE BEN.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Isn’t that the premise of Young Sheldon?

Spur

Packers are on Rhythm Method.

litre_cola

That is how we got Decilitre!

LemonJello

Neither of the teams really want to play defense in Jerral’s World, do they?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In Jerral’s world you’re taught to not fight it.

LemonJello

Well, just a little resistance, you know, for ambiance.

Romonobyl

Hear comes the meltdown.