Monday Night Feast! Colts @ Titans Open Thread

Both teams are 2-3, and fill the bottom half of the lowest wattage division in the NFL. Luck is out. Mariota (hamstring – questionable) says he’ll go–i.e., Cassel is definitely in the mix. But enough table-setting. This is my  position on “Pfft, baseball’s on” taeks:

Artist’s lesss handome conception

via lolafilms.com

IND-TEN is a rivalry. To be precise, “rivalry” in the Steelers-Browns or thirst-judgment sense: the Clots own the Titans. The streak stands at 11-0, and was started by CURTIS PAINTER. Indy has won in every way: blowout; Titans derp it at the end; clutch play by top QB on a bad day… Plus a handful of the worst kind of loss: the Moral Victory, when Result pinches Effort’s cheek and says “Nothing personal, kid”. To paraphrase Sigmund Freud: it’s been Suck City.

Matching wits on the field are Mike Mularkey and Chuck Pagano. Pagano, well… The turd-in-punchbowl blunders are known–but going 2-3 with Jacoby Brissett and that roster is respectable. Hell, I even like Chuck. Pagano strikes me as humble, but so sure of himself that he DGAF about what anyone thinks–except, maybe, his players. As far as I know, he was loved in Baltimore. Colt players stumped for him and Chuck P kept the job; the GM got fired. But before all that, at the height of hot-seat skullduggery in 2015, Pagano calmly stated, at a press conference, “They can’t eat you“. Best. Perspective Non-Sequitur. Ever.

Mularkey… Barf. After pasting JAX, the Titans beat the Seawhawks on Week 3. But this wave of met expectations crashed immediately with the Texans drubbing (56!). Then, Mularkey became a vocal ANTHM RSPKTRRR, and punted awfully on The Kaep Situation in the runup to Week 5. Granted, coaches don’t sign players–but having Matt Freakin’ Cassel pass 32 times, in last week’s low-scorer in Miami, is damn pigheaded. And hey! Did Derrick Henry accidentally sneeze on coach’s soup? Four rushes at MIA? The hell’s wrong with you! Dude’s young and hungry. FEED HIM!!11!!

I did find something palatable. Coupla days ago, during the Chuck Pagano press telephone conference, Mularkey walked in and asked what were the Colts’ top 15 offensive plays:

If Mariota would play, was Chuck’s riposte. (If you think I mangled a juicy reveal, go gorge on the buildup at  titansonline.com. I dare ya.)

Whatever. To me, it’s refreshing to see coaches shoot the collegial shit (however lamely), and eschew the  hypercompetitive, regimented stuff, as well as the “being focused” stiffness and the commitment to canned bullshit–all of which has been thick even back when Rex Ryan was putting on wigs. It’s ridiculous. The stakes are GAMES. Of a risky and fantastic sport, of course. With fascinating strategy. Goes without saying. And the speedy and huge mofos going at each other and the physical play and–oh…

/ fans self with Hello Kitty bookmark

Sorry. It’s been a while. But the fasting ends TONIGHT.

[martial drums playing]

I will watch this game. The Titans haven’t been on MNF since… LenWhale? That’s what my gut says–don’t @ at me!

Heaven and earth, I am prepared to move. (Family too.) Pangs of guilt, for seeking diversion in these somber times, will not deter me.

If a place with electricity has baseball on, surely one TV could be accommodated for The Game. I will not vacillate. Solidarity has been strong here in PR, and emboldens me to face even the spectre of utter hopelessness:

[drumming stops]

Brandon Weeden with a helmet.

In short, hunger makes the feast, not the eats. Sorry, but I can’t help being kinda pumped for this one. Besides, you twisted fuckos [hat tip] are better suited to skewer the massive blech we’re about to see. And as much as I want TEN to win, for fantasy purposes, I’d take an Astros rainout and 0-11-1.

The food on the banner was delivered to my home in Aibonito (plus 24 water bottles) last Thursday. (The “MEAL” packets are vegetable lasagnas.) We’ll honor this generosity by passing everything to needier compatriotas. [Update: Maybe not the mayo packet.  I’M NOT MADE OF STONE!]

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Doktor Zymm

I would probably not watch but would support the existence of a NFL/Rockettes crossover holiday TV extravaganza

Brocky
Romonobyl

Coming in late as usual.
Always good to hear from you Don, at least you know we have your back, FWIW. I had vegetable lasagna once when the Dame and I were in Italy for our honeymoon, I was surprised at how really good it was. That was Florence, I doubt the stuff you got was comparable.
Good luck man…

LemonJello

The stuff he got was MRE-level, and usually the last ones to be taken from the box.

Romonobyl

I tried the MRE “omelette” once. My god that was horrid.

LemonJello

Thankfully, whoever makes the menu choices pulled the omelette early in my time in uniform. I had it a few times, cold, in boot camp.

It may have counted as a war crime to feed that thing to POWs.

King Hippo

better to come late than come early, or so I hear tell

LemonJello

CLOTSDOWN!

Oh, Doyle Rules!

Doktor Zymm

TY BRISKET
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LemonJello

I just ate, and my stomach growled at this.

King Hippo

brisket is my favourite thing, and there is a new, excellent BBQ joint within waddlin’ distance from my house

litre_cola

Isn’t Carolina BBQ the mustardy one?

LemonJello

Eastern Carolina is more a vinegar base. Gott-dammed delicious, too.

King Hippo

that’s South Calalaky, really

litre_cola

Good. Not a fan.

King Hippo

100% agreed. That’s “spit back in the napkin” territory

clint greasewood

Cover that up, don’t want any wild Andy Reid’s pawing at your door.

LemonJello

Fun fact: Andy Reid can’t figure out why he’s raptly watching this game, drooling (well, more than usual) every time he hears Gruden say “Brissett.”

Sharkbait

I want all of this.

Romonobyl

Amateur stuff, don’t make me re-post my pick of the real thing.

litre_cola

I agree, I make better pickles than that.

King Hippo

ok, Romonobyl is making brisket FOAR us shut-ins this winter

Romonobyl

Get yer orders in early!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DeMarco Murray needs to stay out of the end zone for fantasy purposes. TY Hilton too.

That will be all.

Spur

I want the opposite of that.

Sharkbait

Sup.

Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’ve secretly replaced tonight’s Monday Night Football with the European version of football. Let’s see if anyone notices!

Doktor Zymm

As long as they didn’t replace it with Cricket I’m good

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You can never have too much Cricket.

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LemonJello

Is everyone posting Predator photos tonight?

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Sharkbait

Predators you say?

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…Too soon?

Brick Meathook

That explains all the five-metre penalties.

litre_cola

Well at least Don T wrote the write up he is also a futbol junkie.

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We couldn’t be in Nashville without at least one Predator sighting.

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There’s just so much here and I rewards me with something new with each subsequent viewing.

King Hippo

indeed

Doktor Zymm

There is a surprising amount of offensive competence in this game so far. I haven’t really watched either of these teams this year, but I was expecting….basically nothing

Viva La Tabula Raza

No doubt that will change once Mariota gets carted off the field and his backup takes the reins.

litre_cola

You mean Kaep?

Shogun Marcus

Hey! We get right of 28th refusal!
gb

Brick Meathook

So I bought a lens on eBay last Wednesday (a Canon EF 28mm f/1.8 in case knowing that fact helps you enjoy the story). It was entered into the USPS system for priority delivery on Thursday morning, originating in Santa Clarita CA, which is 25 miles north of me straight up the 405 freeway. According to the tracking info, it spent the weekend in Oklahoma City. Delivery is delayed until tomorrow.

King Hippo

It’s nice when your purchases gets to take a vacay

Viva La Tabula Raza

But OKC?. Chose poorly.

King Hippo

Alt-righter, making McVeigh pilgrimage

litre_cola

Their distribution centre is probably there. I work in the post and that tends to happen sometime. If you order something express it flies through the distribution hubs first. I agree it is ridiculous but that is how the transportation network is. Well, up here, I have no idea what goes on down there.

Viva La Tabula Raza

USPS can be weird, too. There are two towns in west Texas, Dryden and Sanderson, that are separated by 20 miles of US Highway 90. But if you mail a letter from Sanderson to Dryden, it has to go west to El Paso, then east to San Antonio, and finally back west to Dryden. A distance of 1137 miles.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just going to be a field goalkakke ain’t it

Petronel

ENOUGH CORONA COMMERCIALS ALREADY DAMN

Senor Weaselo

Fewer Corona commercials, dilly dil—
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an0bVaTjF_Y

Senor Weaselo

/Walks in with riot shield
I have no idea how that ball went out, but Toddfather woo!
/Slowly backs away still holding riot shield

King Hippo

BOO to yer Oppressors of the South, ah say!

Brocky

So cromartie has a reality show on USA,

On one hand, I legitimately feel bad for him, regardless of your opinions towards personal responsibility, no man should be that verile.

On the other hand,

LOL

King Hippo

I mean, get a vasectomy after #7?

Shogun Marcus

As I recall, he did! Fuckers jumped the gorge!

litre_cola

I believe he has had 2.

LemonJello

Prolly otta donate those balls to science.

King Hippo

oh dear Christ. Time to cut the whole pecker off then. Radiate the stump, just to be certain.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Do they use the opening sequence from Idiocracy to open the show?

Beerguyrob

Do you think anyone in Indianapolis has ever called their mom into the TV room to ask if her gravy is darker than the Colts new quarterback?

Doktor Zymm

If it’s sausage gravy it’s probably closer to the reported color of TEH BEN’S LITTLE BEN

LemonJello

Hodor sighting! DRINK!

...

Hello, 911? I’d like to report a murder.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Betsy DeVos just heard about this “spellcheck” and thought it was something out of Harry Potter.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I pronounce “Trtump” as “Turd-dump.”

Senor Weaselo

No, I think you’d be reporting a stroke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Isn’t calling someone’s running explosive an insult to real explosions?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Especially if you talk about it in an airport.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Just compare it to explosive diarrhea and you’re all good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So I finally started the Ken Burns Vietnam thingy last night. Took me long enough, eh?

Doktor Zymm

The man makes a fine documentary

Shogun Marcus

Enjoy. But not like Yay enjoy.

King Hippo

Unless you’re, like, North Fuckin’ Vietnameze then WOO!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Minh, The NLF Will Surely Win!!!
NVA!!! NVA!!! NVA!!!

...

If you ever want to hear a dozen versions of Take Me Out to The Ballgame, watch his baseball documentary.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Have watched it many times.

Doktor Zymm

Aw man, I have exactly one bottle of wine left to drink before I move, but if I crack that open now I really will fall asleep before half time.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So drink it.

King Hippo

At least Rodgers has more time to pay attention to his Fantasy team. In completely unrelated news, Broncos TE Jake Butt will start practicing this week.

Beerguyrob

Are those extra hashmarks courtesy of Vanderbilt?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, Jay Cutler. The house that Vander-built.

...

The Titans flaming-thumbtack color scheme will never not be hideous.

Beerguyrob

Are they trying to make this look like a color-rush game?

LemonJello

NFL Suit #1:”All those degenerates and drunks will be so confused, they’ll think it’s Thursday!”
NFL Suit #2: “And then?”
NFL Suit #1: “Profit.”
/Suit #1 and Suit #2 give each other mutual handjobs

Beerguyrob

Ahh, so those skinny bros with Hank Jr are called “Florida-Georgia Line”. Now I can ignore.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if that black guy singing along with Hank Jr. in the opening song is a member of his band.

Beerguyrob

He was with the caterers, until ESPN forced him into the video for “visuals”.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Here’s 20 bucks, kid.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Please. They definitely called him boy.

Spur

NO! Dont throw to Walker. Give it to Spray Tan.

Doktor Zymm

Hey guys! I’m super excited to be back in the country in time to watch Monday Night Football! I can’t wait to see *checks schedule* um…actually, I’m pretty tired

Shogun Marcus

*cough cough jetlag!*

LemonJello

Guten Abend, Frau Doktor!

The Maestro

Meanwhile, in Canada, it was announced tonight that John Dunsworth unexpectedly passed away today… and I’m really fucking torn up about it. The man was an icon, and was one of the most recognizable figures this country’s ever produced courtesy of his role on Trailer Park Boys.

God Bless, John Dunsworth. I’ll be having my drinkypoos in honour of you and Jim Lahey tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ti7UHClC-8w

Spur

Start the game already.

King Hippo

are the Oppressors of the South losing yet?

LemonJello

Confused/drunk. Which team is that referring to?

Shogun Marcus

Yes.

King Hippo

el beisbol, since our fixture ain’t start yet

LemonJello

/types “el beisbol” into google translate
“Huh, there’s a game called “basedbalk” that is apparently popular. Who knew?”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Fox Sports Go, you still run Flash. Goooooo fuck yourself.

Spur

The new Black Panther trailer looks good. But his suit glowing purple is going to get a lot of “purple drink” jokes.

Brick Meathook

CC Sabathia is a big ‘ol dude. I bet he can eat a lot.

Shogun Marcus

He once ate at my local establishment when I lived in Milwaukee. Dude coulda put down kobaiyashi followed by Gilbert brown.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if Chipolte will now sue Hasselbeck for throwing shade on them.

King Hippo

“Fire Butch Jones” sign in the crowd. NEVAR change, Tennessee.

Unsurprised

I just finished watching Black Hawk Down and I have no idea why. That movie does nothing but piss me the fuck off.

Beerguyrob

Because it was a more fictionalized “American Sniper”?

LemonJello

Some of the assumptions made by the brass in that shit-show are only compounded by the decisions those same officers made to really make a huge fucking mess out of what should have been a rather straight forward mission.

Beerguyrob

Donde esta Sponch?

Spur

Go Titans. That Faafafine better hand off the ball. The colts cant stop the run.

litre_cola

Mayo is the devil.

Spur
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LeBeau looks great for 80.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Do I have to watch this game tonight?

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Spur

I’ve been amazed and disappointed by so much of what this President had said, and his approach to running this country, which seems to be one of just a never ending divisiveness. But his comments today about those who have lost loved ones in times of war and his lies that previous presidents Obama and Bush never contacted their families, is so beyond the pale, I almost don’t have the words.

This man in the Oval Office is a soulless coward who thinks that he can only become large by belittling others. This has of course been a common practice of his, but to do it in this manner–and to lie about how previous Presidents responded to the deaths of soldiers–is as low as it gets. We have a pathological liar in the White House: unfit intellectually, emotionally, and psychologically to hold this office and the whole world knows it, especially those around him every day. The people who work with this President should be ashamed because they know it better than anyone just how unfit he is, and yet they choose to do nothing about it. This is their shame most of all.

– Coach Pop, the Greatest

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I remember reading National Review about six months ago, and one of the columnists joked along the line of, “He has no idea what he’s doing, he must think people just make up a bunch of bills and he chooses what is the best deal among them.”

He said recently that to his dismay, that hasn’t turned out to be a joke.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Pop is the best.

Unsurprised

Yeah, we’ve never had a brainless, soulless, dickless loser Republican president creating needless divisions and destroying the poor, minorities, and Earth before. Jesus Christ. Did everyone develop amnesia while Obama was in office?

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Nixon ordered a nuclear strike while shitfaced!

Spur

He also started the EPA.

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But was he shitfaced?

Spur

No, he didn’t think it was right for rivers to catch on fire. Greater good and all that jazz.

hippofant

That’s not why Nixon voters voted (and would still vote) for him though.

...

I voted for him for the time he sent nuclear-armed bombers toward the U.S.S.R. not caring if the Soviets thought he’d gone insane.

King Hippo

yeah, Nixon had really dark impulses (which were his downfall), but American Fuhrer is a dark impulse. There is no other setting.

...

Kissinger said of Nixon multiple times that Nixon would have had a nuclear war every week if he could.

Spur

All this Rodgers press is gross. Asshole has made a living throwing the ball at the last minute hoping to get a flag. And if he didn’t he made sure the refs hear about it so he gets a pity flag the next time. This time it bit him in the ass.

Eat shit and call your family Rodgers.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I mean the first part of that, he’s at least done within the last 5 years.

...

This take will keep me warm through December.

Shogun Marcus

Hey cowboy bye week is over! Shouldn’t you be raising bail, checking dv shelters, Planned Parenthoods, and back alleys?
Call Your Owner.

Spur

Why do you think Double J keeps all those attorneys on retainer?

Unsurprised

So his wife can hire them to get a divorce?

Shogun Marcus

Because jj likes em with retainers and doesn’t allow wire hangers?

Spur

Folks

Horatio Cornblower

God I hope that sock is for your foot.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Actually they have been on this decade because of this:

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif

And my favorite as a Jets fan, saucy Tirico:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aKg8iGnWjI

herodotus450

For at least this year and last I though every team gets one MNF and one TNF. Then only Broncos, Pats, and Seahawks on Sunday night.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I mean the Titans have been on MNF 4 times this decade, so I assume so.

herodotus450

Not pictured: enough paper towels, the best paper towels, to build a fuckin wall out of, delivered by the president of Puerto Rico himself. Nice fake news leaving them out, DonT!

Unsurprised

I’m stuck on my phone since I destroyed my MacBook charger and am waiting for my replacement (I’m not paying 4x as much at the Apple store). So what I’m saying is that I will be around even less but still not giving any fewer fucks than the zero I have for the last six weeks. I swear to God, if I didn’t like you all I would be happy to never be online again.

I am rooting for Kaep’s lawsuit, though. Not because he deserves a shot, but because I want to see how big a bunch of horses’ asses Goodell and Jerrah really can be under oath.

King Hippo

you will have plenty of stones inside if’n you ingest the mayo packet ,, no ofence

Also good luck finding freedom from CasselVANIA!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good to have you back, DonT! Nice write up, even if I still couldn’t get up for this game with a half dozen viagra tablets.

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