So it’s come to this. The truest of the tests of your football fanhood. This one is such a stinker I feel as though it should be played in London. The thing is, it doesn’t even have that “I can drink in the morning and still pretend to feel good about myself” (East Coast bias) aura about it. At least make it a division game between some bottom dwellers-that shouldn’t be too hard. But no. I’ve half a notion to pick up Kenyon Drake and plop him on to my fantasy team so that I’ve got some sort of rooting interest in this. Still, there’s a job to be done. [sigh of resignation] TO THE GAME!*
Miami/Baltimore: The cat tower has been installed on the Fins sideline and you best believe that it’s not a no-smoking zone. It appears that Jay won’t be chasing squirrels for at least a week or two. That’s backup Matt Moore stumbling into the breach once again. Last year he won a few games after Tanneyhill went down and got them into the playoffs. Last week he threw a few TD’s in the fourth to vanquish the Jets. He’s regarded as a positive presence on the team/in the locker room. Why? The consensus is it’s because he “Dooooooooooes Caaaaaaaaare”. The reason he’s still not trusted to run the team full time is because he has 32 interceptions and 17 fumbles in fairly limited playing time since 2011. Ouch! If rb Ajayi and his 442 rushing yards and ZERO! TD’s (thanks a lot!) can get going perhaps the Fins can pretend that they’re not last in total offence and scoring. LOADED QUESTION ALERT: Who do you think is the 31st? Them Black Birds, that’s who. A large amount of focus has turned towards the room temperature milk-swilling wunderbread qb Joseph Flacco and his 7th-highest salary. Why hasn’t he miracle-whipped this team into shape? It may have something to do with 3 rb’s, 3 te’s and 4 O-linemen having been taken out of the offensive equation.
Do your thingy.
*the exclamation point is for decoration only-it is not a signifier of excitement in this circumstance
Still gotta be productive at work tomorrow.
I would be commissioner of a fantasy football league with the rule that you may never have the same player on your team twice. It’d be the opposite of a keeper league.
My dissertation was on the Chad Ochocinco name change.
A cat on the field? Yes, we know.
JAY CUTLER SIGHTING!
Good news everyone! Hermana Weaselo got into grad school!
Congrats to your grandmother!
You need to work on your Spanish. He said his mother-in-law got into grad school.
I worked on my Spanish quite a bit; then her VISA expired and she had to go back.
Just to really troll this Kap mattter, an NFL owner should have his team sign Tebow.
Evening lizard people. I got to a fancy Mexican bar when it was 20-0. Matt Moore isn’t very good, is he?
/Remembers the Jets lost to him
As I said.
40-nil. That’ll leave a mark.
Beaver gon’ cock this up, and I don’t want to see that happen.
You prefer anal.
Well at least the penalties are interesting.
Does the C on Suh’s jersey stand for “Cunt”?
eye poking? come the fuck on. Dickass.
Watching Flacco get knocked the fuck out while I was at a bar was fun. What’s happening here?
The Showdown Downtown…..
….ends peacefully.
Well, this sucks. Just got a call from Mrs. Sharkbait. Her 91 year old grandmother in New Jersey just passed away. So I guess the answer to my earlier question about what sucks more is D) Being at work and unable to go leave early to go home.
My ex-wife’s grandparents died in their 90’s. As a person whose family tends to just kill over at 45, I had to contain my impulse to congratulate her on her grandparents’ success.
Maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather died at 54 and 45 respectively (lymphatic cancer for nana and heart disease for g’pa). Maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother both made it to 98 (both died of broken bone in nursing home). Given this, I figure making mid-to-late-70s will probably be best I can do (both parents are still alive, 77 and 80).
She had a good run. Lots of health issues though, so at least she isnt suffering anymore.
Condolences to you and the Mrs.
Thanks Moose.
I’m sorry to hear that, Sharkbait. Our condolences as well.
Thanks Beastmode
Genuinely sorry to read this, pal. My best to your wife and your family.
Thanks WCS.
Sorry man. Best to the Missus.
Thanks WBS. The bitch is being stuck at work while she’s at home.
I have had enough of this. Good night to you all.
The original Halloween Jack-O’-Lantern was first recorded in Ireland and was made from a turnip instead of a pumpkin.
One more thing the Irish are bad at
but they make up for it with drinkin’ and dyin’ from potato blight, aye!
I son’t know; that Jack-O’-Lantern is way creepier than a fuckable pumpkin.
yeah, you’d have to be REAL FOOKIN’ DRUNK to stick your dick in THAT
Well…. not THAT drunk.
is ok…SAFE SPACE ,, smgdh
Stick you dick in crazy turnip.
I actually thought it was a model of one of the claymation Tool monsters, so yeah.
Captain Ron. Great Kurt Russell movie or greatest Kurt Russell movie?
Definitely not greatest. That spot is already taken.
No eyepatch, no top spot.
Exactly.
Overboard. He tries to drown Goldie Hawn.
IWDB loves that movie. We have it on blu-ray.
When I first watched it back in the day I thought it was really stupid and was pissed that I even paid the cheap cinema rate. Watching it years later I still thing it is really stupid, but in a better much more amusing way.
*Was pervy both times on mother/ daughter (prolly didn’t realize she was 20 at the time).
Stanford’s bold stance of trying to be a legitimate JV NFL program sans QB is causing them to lose to sad sack Oh-ray-GAWNE State. Hooray, Beaver!
Stepped away for a good bit – how many punts is Miami up to now?
yeah, you have to go for two. Because Miami’s 4th TD is really gonna come into play here.
They don’t really need a 4th TD. 3 TDs, 3 2-pt conversions and a FG wins it.
Time to send in Kaep.
just let it stand, fuckers
Immaculate Mattception.
This game needs to be recorded and buried in a time capsule in some random town square, that way 50 years from now we can be reminded to never have Thursday Night Football again.
Given the current administration, in 50 years the only entertainment method is going to be shadow and light shows using paintings on walls and torches, like those plane-crash kids in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in their little oasis. Apox-eclipse!
Put in the desert next to those old ET video games.
Once Bitten was an underrated vampire movie. Also, I really miss pre-antivax Jim Carrey.
Questionable shower sex.
Tom Cruise lobbied hard for the Jim Carrey role.
He also lobbied aggressively.
I dug further seeing if I could find a gif of the part where the one dude has a panic attack when he realizes he could have just asked about a bite mark, but apparently following the rabbit hole down “gay panic shower scene” gets dark in a hurry
I there a Criterion release of this? – Aaron Rodgers
At least the college contest is pretty decent.
I have no goddamned clue why I am still awake. Perhaps just because I hate every aspect of life aside from watching the footy?
Plus your profound love for all things Baltimore.
well, that’s tacitly understood
“Fuck off, dumbass.”
-JJ Fozz
This game further proves that while Cutler gives you a 40% chance of winning a game that’s still a hell of a lot better than the vast majorities of QB’s in this league.
Also a GREAT MOVIE
So after eating a 24 oz porterhouse, baked potato, bowl of mushroom and rice soup, and sauteed onions and mushrooms, I have a new idea for an uber type service called “Wheelbarrow”. They come into the restaurant, move you into the wheelbarrow, move you out to the van, lock you in place while still in the wheelbarrow, roll you into your house and then dump you out onto your couch.
Fred Meyers is now doing the click-shop thing, where you order online & then they bring your groceries out to your car.
Is it awesome? Yes. Yes it is.
Same thing up here. It is awesome. Buy only what you need and no impulse buys.
What if there were a random impulse buy option? Say item is no more then $5-10. Would you select it?
If it was potato chips? I would take the mystery bag yes.
For someone like me, who has massive problems with perfume, cologne, candles, etc., it’s really nice. And we don’t impulse buy anymore anyway, since that road leads down a path of doom…
I wish I lived like an hour away from the nearest store to prevent impulse buying
Amazon and Costco just started same day grocery deliveries by me. I think I may never have to leave the house or wear pants again.
Pussy
But how do they get you into your sweatpants?
I’m already wearing my best sweatpants to go out and eat, why do I need to change?
“Vikings-Browns ONLY on NFL Network Sunday.”
Everyone else ran away screaming FUCK NO!
It could be worse. You could be forced to watch the game exclusively on Yahoo! Sports. Oh wait….
Well, this is interesting – the dog just took a bite out of my vodka’d Coke Slurpee.
Puppy gon be wasted
Oxypug is a bad influence on the rest of the DFO hounds.
It’s working.
I don’t think that I have ever seen an offense this dismal before.
How are the Dolphins 4-2?
Because the Cat is better than Moore.
You need to watch more Browns games.
Do I? I already hate everything.
also, #ThePauls
Wait until the Packers get back from their bye.
Shit. And they surely have more primetime fixtures lined up.
Man, that play went worse than a jet sweep on the goal line.
Nobody forget Vikes v. #ThePauls!
#Mandatory
fuck, Tucker ain’t supposed to ever miss
Looked more like a block to me
Well, technically, he didn’t miss. The ball just didn’t reach its destination.
This is weird because the only Tucker I know of is Tucker Carlson, and he’s definitely missing a chromosome or two.
Preston Tucker was a pretty interesting dude who designed a cool car and was portrayed in the Coppola movie Tucker by Jeff Bridges, who is a pretty cool dude himself.
Holy shit. I read this before I saw the kick. I’m also whisky drunk so it was surreal.
Clue was a good movie.
1+2+2+1?
Found out Tim Curry played pennywise in IT. Mind blown.
https://youtu.be/ZXpZlbq8IGk?t=50s
Shula is why Marino never won a title. He never evolved past 1976.
Neither did the USA.
Basically, not a millisecond after Vietnam
I think we had some post-Vietnam reflection starting, then 1976 happened and we went “Woo! We made it 200 years! Party!” Then Carter was all, “Not so fast, we do have some problems…” and everyone went, “Fuck it. Reagan tells us we’re awesome.”
America is still in the shit-throwing, temper tantrum stage.
Americans hate being called out on their bullshit – Jimmy “malaise speech” Carter
1976?
ok……..1979
Also maybe whoever thought he didn’t need a running game around him or anything.
Have you been to one of his steakhouses?
Nobody ever makes a really big deal about how butt ugly Don Shula was. But yeesh.
The Fins blow and not out of the hole in their head.
How to fix Thursday night?
Move it to Friday night or Saturday afternoon.
Make Monday a double header.
Bring the game back on the late afternoon Sunday game.
Have a monster truck preform the opening kickoff, receiving team gets a horse and chariot.
I’m looking for ideas to send to Roger to fix this mess.
Grenade Launchers to the first 10,000 fans.
I think that’s already an Oakland giveaway promotion.
to be sensitive regarding #VegasStrong, might have to change that to switchblades
It can even stay Thursday Night Football. Just play it on Friday night. JV ball works on Thurs b/c just adjusting the calendar by 2 days, not 3.
and FUCK HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, it holds no broad-based entertainment value.
Post-game sacrifice of the long snapper
Both teams play in the costumes of their mascots
The refs must drink after every first down
I get to write the opening segments
Random balls explode into confetti when punted
Your list is lacking “more Romo”.
“What is something Jessica Simpson never said?” for $1000, Alex.
That fat cow never belonged in Romo suite.
I got it just regulate the cowboys to play all their games on Thursday. NFL gets the ratings, Cowboys stay in primetime and I to spend my Thursday night playing trivia night at Applebees drinking from my own flask.
Evening.
i heard alfonso did something
Jesus Fucking Christ. Florida’s state capitol has the silhouette of a dick and balls. https://imgur.com/TwV3Hhk
Most state capitals do. America.
Goddamn Tony has a nice tie
I’m out. No way I can pretend to care about this game anymore. Like the youths today say, “I’m off like a prom dress.”
Later, Taters.
Night, Dad. I’ll be home late.
you’ll be sad when you learn the Ratbird punter quartered backed the entire Q4
He won’t be the only one.
Christ, you could field 11 punters on offense and still win this shitshow