SCENE: Deep in the #Content mines of DFO, a group of trained monkeys–I mean DFO writers–are shackled to their typewriters. Someone gave tWBS a laptop once, and after that, no one was issued a wifi-enabled device ever again. Quietly, nearly imperceptibly, YEAHRIGHT and SHOGUN MARCUS begin whispering to each other, both sets of their eyes drifting towards BLAXABBATH…
yeahright: [hushed tones, remember?] I’m telling you, something’s off.
Shogun Marcus: Maybe, but he’s been weird before, remember?
[SHOGUN turns and cranes his neck as if to watch something]
yeahright: What are you doing?
Shogun: Watching a clip of that time blaxabbath was acting all weird. Can’t you see it? Are we in a simulation? Did I eat too many gingersnaps?
/CONTENT MINE SHAFT DOOR OPENS
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem: Lo, my children/fellow dickjokers, I hath returned to restore piety, humor, Detroit Lions wisdom, and funk to the DFO clubhouse. And also to inform you two that you are failing at whispering. What’s going on?
yeahright: Sup, Rev? Shogun and I were talking about how blax has been a little off lately.
RREM: [stares blankly]
Shogun: Off-er than usual.
RREM: Ah. Yeah, I kind of thought Quotables was different this week. Lead with a banner photo of Hannity but don’t actually go after him? Or don’t troll libs with him or whatever he usually does.
yeahright: Yeah, right?
RREM: Plus he participated like a…plebian.
yeahright: Yeah, right?
Shogun: Maybe it isn’t even really blax…
[yeahright and RREM stare at Shogun with that same look of “too high, man” until all three of them stare again at Blax, quietly typing away, stopping only to consult another set of source materials and begin to footnote them, when suddenly…]
/BATHROOM DOOR FLIES OPEN
tWBS: You dumbasses! I was in there mastur–uh, taking a shit and heard you guys talking. Isn’t it obvious? The restraint? The footnotes? The attempted brevity that still came off as long-winded? [They stare blankly at tWBS] Da fuq!!?! Go over there and rip his fucking mask off!
[YEAHRIGHT and SHOGUN and sneak up behind BLAXABBATH and RREM grabs his face and pulls and…]
Shogun: AHA! I knew it was Old Man Withers all along! Call Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface and arrest this man!
yeahright: Dude, that’s BFC. Brett, what the fuck are you doing?
BrettFavresColonoscopy: Ah, shit, you caught me. Come on guys, you know how it is down in the content mines. Sometimes a DFOer can go crazy down here and you need to step away for a fix or a quickie–I mean to fix a snack or grab a quick nap. Anyway, blax pulled together the gifs this week, but then he went AWOL. I figured I would just pretend to be him, throw up some copy…
tWBS: Just like Karen Carpenter, NAILED IT!
BFC: …and then he just decided he was mailing it in this week. Didn’t think anyone would actually notice. Would’ve gotten away with it, too, if tWBS had lasted longer in the bathroom.
tWBS:Awww.
BFC: Anyway, that’s the great thing about working down here. Unless Internet Dad finds out about it, we can step into the breach and help each other out, whether it’s filling in on quotables, venting about idiocy at work, or reminding someone to buy a vowel in DFO Wheel of Fortune NFL Before and After.
[O/S] Dok Zymm: ZAT VAS MY GAME UND YOU STOLE IT! AND NOT EVEN VERY WELL!
RREM: Shit, she sounds pissed. Let’s get out of here before she figures out how far she can throw that typewriter. Oh, shit, if blax is still gone, who’s doing quotables results this week?
BFC: Just call me the anti-Chris Berman because I’m picking winners, baby! But I’m still fat, though. Shit, I need to work on this one. Anyway, quotables submissions from this week here, and to the victor(s) go the spoils!
/fin
PS Any formatting problems are because I don’t know what I’m doing.
PPS Fuck Sean Hannity, Roger Ailes, and all those mind-destroying fuckheads that have convinced a swath of the country that immorality and stupidity are ok if it’s for their cause.
PPPS blaxabbath should be back next week, so you don’t have to worry about me slighting beerguyron or anything.
PPPPS Why the fuck are you still reading these postscripts? The funny is below!
God (to Shiva and Quetzalcoatl): “Watch this.” -LemonJello
“I live on the second floor.” -yeahright
[…] Also, thanks for BFC for filling in last week. […]
Someone gave tWBS a laptop once, and after that, no one was issued a wifi-enabled device ever again.
You can’t prove that was me.
(Can you?)
From Bill Barnwell (easily the best writer left at ESPN):
http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/21266955/answering-questions-deshaun-watson-houston-texans-torn-acl-injury-2017-nfl
Mitch’s is awesome. I totally missed it the first time.
no wonder she’s frowning at that weirdo liek that ,, smgdh
So…I lose Watson yesterday AND have Hopkins’ value turned to dust AND TODAY fucking Zeke is unsuspended again, so Morris (who I shrewdly picked up) is worthless again, on McKinnon’s bye week when I fucking need him.
Now, I have to play Kenyon fucking Drake AND pray that Emmanuel Sanders ankle holds up. Got fuckall else.
I’m in a similar boat, where Fuller is now very less valuable, and my top rival is my opponent this week and has Zeke as well. Trying to get a Pierre Garcon trade to clear to have some WR depth, so I’m boned.
I have Fuller in DFO ball, benched him as my flex for Drake. This week is HuntaAIDS (been that way for personal/family reasons as well).
Yeah, in my less important league, I didn’t play Tyrod Taylor or Matt Forte last night, so I’m sure Cam Newton and Mark Ingram are going to shit the bed.
I almost got Forte on waivers last week, I would have sat him for Morris then raged this morning.
My current plan is to start any RB with a pulse not on a bye week.
I would have even recommended sneakily playing Rod Smith. I had rostered him even before Jerral said he’d be 2nd string ahead of McFadden, FFS.
Seriously, Old Man Withers can eat a bag of rancid dicks….
The real Old Man Withers. Not BFC wearing an OMW mask under his Blax mask. That’s just good double-bluff hustle.
The Luka line is delightful. I will claim partial credit for the Trent Green one in spirit, having said same thing in Live Blog. We are spirit animals this week, monty!
I take way too much advantage of the easy Trent Green jokes.
I made quotables!
Things are going to start happening to me NOW!