Editor’s Note: The following post was first run on Valentine’s Day of this year. No, we’re not insane and we do not think today is Valentine’s Day. But the nature of the information contained herein happens to again be topical. Also, there might be a quiz later.
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Yes, this is a football-centric (sorta-ish?) site. It is the offseason, however, so we must now pass the time some way or another and other sports help to fill that void. Like that void you feel on Valentine’s Day when you have no one.
I, on the other hand, am happy to enjoy the other sports and being single on Valentine’s Day! No over-priced dinners at shitty restaurants that make you wait an hour and a half for a fucking lobster ravioli that you personally can’t stand, but SHE had to have it because it’s lobster and it sounds fancy even though lobster is horrible and incredibly over-rated.
But I digress.
As we head into the season, it’s good to remember that all North American sports owe their greatness to their connection to football. In that spirit, I present to you the official DFO naming guide for other sports:
NHL
Boston Bruins = Ice Patriots
Buffalo Sabres = Ice Bills
Detroit Red Wings = Ice Lions
Florida Panthers = Ice Dolphins
Montreal Canadiens = Ice Alouettes
Ottawa Senators = Ice RedBlacks
Tampa Bay Lightning = Ice Bucs
Toronto Maple Leafs = Ice Argonauts
Carolina Hurricanes = Ice Panthers
Columbus Blue Jackets = Ice Panhandles (look it up)
New Jersey Devils = Ice Generals or Ice Hitmen
New York Islanders = Ice Jets
New York Rangers = Ice Giants
Philadelphia Flyers = Ice Eagles
Pittsburgh Penguins = Ice Steelers
Washington Capitals = Ice Redacteds
Anaheim Ducks = Ice Chargers
Arizona Coyotes = Ice Cardinals
Calgary Flames = Ice Stampeders
Edmonton Oilers = Ice Eskimos
Los Angeles Kings = Ice Rams
San Jose Sharks = Ice Raiders 49ers
Vancouver Canucks = Ice Liouns
Chicago Blackhawks = Ice Bears
Colorado Avalanche = Ice Broncos
Dallas Stars = Ice Cowboys
Minnesota Wild = Ice Vikings
Nashville Predators = Ice Titans
St. Louis Blues = Ice Ex-Rams
Winnipeg Jets = Ice Blue Bombers
NEW TEAM: Las Vegas Golden Knights = Ice Raiders
NBA
Boston Celtics = Wood Patriots
Brooklyn Nets = Wood Jets
New York Knicks = Wood Giants
Philadelphia 76ers = Wood Eagles
Toronto Raptors = Wood Argonauts
Chicago Bulls = Wood Bears
Cleveland Cavaliers = Wood Browns
Detroit Pistons = Wood Lions
Indiana Pacers = Wood Colts
Milwaukee Bucks = Wood Packers (he he)
Atlanta Hawks = Wood Falcons
Charlotte Hornets = Wood Panthers
Miami Heat = Wood Dolphins
Orlando Magic = Wood Buccaneers
Washington Wizards = Wood Redacteds
Dallas Mavericks = Wood Cowboys
Houston Rockets = Wood Texans
Memphis Grizzlies = Wood Titans
New Orleans Pelicans = Wood Saints
San Antonio Spurs = Wood Raiders
Denver Nuggets = Wood Broncos
Minnesota Timberwolves = Wood Vikings
Oklahoma City Thunder = Wood Seahawks
Portland Trailblazers = Wood Timbers
Utah Jazz = Wood Mormons
Golden State Warriors = Wood 49ers
Los Angeles Clippers = Wood Chargers
Los Angeles Lakers = Wood Rams
Phoenix Suns = Wood Cardinals
Sacramento Kings = Wood Chiefs
MLB
Baltimore Orioles = Dirt Ravens
Boston Red Sox = Dirt Patriots
Chicago White Sox = Dirt Colts
Cleveland Indians = Dirt Browns
Detroit Tigers = Dirt Lions
Houston Astros = Dirt Texans
Kansas City Royals = Dirt Chiefs
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim = Dirt Chargers
Minnesota Twins = Dirt Vikings
New York Yankees = Dirt Giants
Oakland Athletics = Dirt Raiders
Seattle Mariners = Dirt Seahawks
Tampa Bay Rays = Dirt Buccaneers
Texas Rangers = Dirt Cowboys
Toronto Blue Jays = Dirt Argonauts
Arizona Diamondbacks = Dirt Cardinals
Atlanta Braves = Dirt Falcons
Chicago Cubs = Dirt Bears
Cincinnati Reds = Dirt Bengals
Colorado Rockies = Dirt Broncos
Los Angeles Dodgers = Dirt Rams
Miami Marlins = Dirt Dolphins
Milwaukee Brewers = Dirt Packers
New York Mets = Dirt Jets
Philadelphia Phillies = Dirt Eagles
Pittsburgh Pirates = Dirt Steelers
San Diego Padres = Dirt Ex-Chargers
San Francisco Giants = Dirt 49ers
St. Louis Cardinals = Dirt Ex-Rams
Washington Nationals = Dirt Redacteds
So there you go. Dissenting opinions and/or suggestions are welcome in the comments.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are The Dirt Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego by way of Carson.
I propose a motion to change Houston to the Dirt and Floor 500s
Oh and point of parliamentary inquiry, but aren’t the Cubs the Dirt Little Bears?
I thought it was Dirt Small Bears?
The gentleman from the citrus groves is correct
Seconded!
not that there’s a big following, but wondering what the MSL teams would be called?
Kicking
Diving
Flopping
Floppy Raiders.
Yeah, that works!
said in an angry voice, sounds like a parent’s way of swearing about a team….lol
Turf (Whatever)
minor league Lesser Footy
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2017/02/13/emily-ratajkowski-defends-melania-trump.html
You said, “wood.”
aren’t the Celtics called the black Patriots?
This here is very good.
Oh, that’s very good.
Houston Rockets = Wood Texans
Houston Astros = Dirt Texans
Shouldn’t these be the Wood/Dirt Oilers? I don’t know what a “Texan” has to do with the NFL…
“YA DAMN RIGHT!” — Bum Phillips
“Dirt Colts”. Heh, heh. Colts fans’ heads are too far up their collective asses to be White Sox fans. I think St. Louis Cardinals = Dirt Colts. There is a lot of overlap there. Shitty Midwestern fans who love the smell of their own farts. The White Sox are the disrespected little brother with rightfully bitter fans. How about “Dirt Asses”? No idea.
I tend to blur what is and what isn’t an open thread because I am a lazy asshole, but enjoy Sour Shoes, a legend in the NYC sports radio scene.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyv3sK5DeTU
Wood Raiders sounds like an awesome 80’s porno. Also Go Spurs Go
Baltimore needs more teams.
Are the Cavs available for a midnight flight?
GTFO with this forever alone shit. I’ve met you. You’re quite fuckable.
I’m blushing…
I normally refuse to acknowledge the existence of Jets Fans except on Jets Schadenfreude Day (Every Monday and the third Thursday of each month), but can someone explain to me the weird tendency for bundled rooting interests in New York/New Jersey/Connecticut? As reflected above, it seems like an inordinate number of people I know are either Jets/Mets/Islanders fans or Gints/Yanks/Rangers fans. I have known exceptions, but it exists. I can’t really narrow it down by geography (except the Islanders), socioeconomic or education level. WHAT GIVES?
My understanding is that it’s a class division. Then again, I’ve never lived there, so I don’t know.
I would say class and age division. I would say Yanks/Rangers and Mets/Isles is the tightest correlation of those three, I know a good amount of Mets/Giants and Yanks/Jets people (I’m the latter!), in which case there’s a Philly arch-rival and Boston arch-rival.
Nobody however gives a shit about the Brooklyn Nets. Except one friend of mine who’s Yanks/Jets/Nets/Isles. Oh, and my trio pianist who’s Yanks/Giants/Nets (no idea about hockey). I have no explanation.
No idea, and I’ve lived here for 48 years. Red Sox/Yankees is more of a geography thing, as is Giants/Patriots. I have no explanation as to why anyone would willingly follow the Jets or Mets, other than that there are apparently enough morons around to have elected Trump President, so apparently evolution still has some work to do.
Support the CBJ! So much grit and Torts is the best!
love that the Ice Liouns has the “u” in it. If not intentional, then it’s a great typo
Oh it’s intentional. Us northern folk don’t type so good sometimes.
Oh, it’s intentional. Canadian Lions have to have a “u”.