ICYMI: The Official DFO Guide to Other Sports

Editor’s Note:  The following post was first run on Valentine’s Day of this year.  No, we’re not insane and we do not think today is Valentine’s Day.  But the nature of the information contained herein happens to again be topical.  Also, there might be a quiz later.

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Yes, this is a football-centric (sorta-ish?) site.  It is the offseason, however, so we must now pass the time some way or another and other sports help to fill that void.  Like that void you feel on Valentine’s Day when you have no one.

I, on the other hand, am happy to enjoy the other sports and being single on Valentine’s Day!  No over-priced dinners at shitty restaurants that make you wait an hour and a half for a fucking lobster ravioli that you personally can’t stand, but SHE had to have it because it’s lobster and it sounds fancy even though lobster is horrible and incredibly over-rated.

But I digress.

As we head into the season, it’s good to remember that all North American sports owe their greatness to their connection to football.  In that spirit, I present to you the official DFO naming guide for other sports:

NHL

Boston Bruins = Ice Patriots

Buffalo Sabres = Ice Bills

Detroit Red Wings = Ice Lions

 Florida Panthers = Ice Dolphins

 Montreal Canadiens = Ice Alouettes

Ottawa Senators = Ice RedBlacks

Tampa Bay Lightning = Ice Bucs

Toronto Maple Leafs = Ice Argonauts

 Carolina Hurricanes = Ice Panthers

 Columbus Blue Jackets = Ice Panhandles (look it up)

New Jersey Devils = Ice Generals or Ice Hitmen

New York Islanders = Ice Jets

New York Rangers = Ice Giants

Philadelphia Flyers = Ice Eagles

Pittsburgh Penguins = Ice Steelers

Washington Capitals = Ice Redacteds

Anaheim Ducks = Ice Chargers

Arizona Coyotes = Ice Cardinals

Calgary Flames = Ice Stampeders

 Edmonton Oilers = Ice Eskimos

Los Angeles Kings = Ice Rams

San Jose Sharks = Ice Raiders 49ers

Vancouver Canucks = Ice Liouns

Chicago Blackhawks = Ice Bears

Colorado Avalanche = Ice Broncos

Dallas Stars = Ice Cowboys

Minnesota Wild = Ice Vikings

Nashville Predators = Ice Titans

St. Louis Blues = Ice Ex-Rams

Winnipeg Jets = Ice Blue Bombers

NEW TEAM:  Las Vegas Golden Knights = Ice Raiders

NBA

 Boston Celtics = Wood Patriots

Brooklyn Nets = Wood Jets

New York Knicks = Wood Giants

Philadelphia 76ers = Wood Eagles

Toronto Raptors = Wood Argonauts

Chicago Bulls = Wood Bears

Cleveland Cavaliers = Wood Browns

Detroit Pistons = Wood Lions

Indiana Pacers = Wood Colts

Milwaukee Bucks = Wood Packers (he he)

Atlanta Hawks = Wood Falcons

Charlotte Hornets = Wood Panthers

Miami Heat = Wood Dolphins

Orlando Magic = Wood Buccaneers

Washington Wizards = Wood Redacteds

Dallas Mavericks = Wood Cowboys

Houston Rockets = Wood Texans

Memphis Grizzlies = Wood Titans

New Orleans Pelicans = Wood Saints

San Antonio Spurs = Wood Raiders

Denver Nuggets = Wood Broncos

Minnesota Timberwolves = Wood Vikings

Oklahoma City Thunder = Wood Seahawks

Portland Trailblazers = Wood Timbers

Utah Jazz = Wood Mormons

Golden State Warriors = Wood 49ers

Los Angeles Clippers = Wood Chargers

Los Angeles Lakers = Wood Rams

Phoenix Suns = Wood Cardinals

Sacramento Kings = Wood Chiefs

MLB

 Baltimore Orioles = Dirt Ravens

Boston Red Sox = Dirt Patriots

Chicago White Sox = Dirt Colts

Cleveland Indians = Dirt Browns

Detroit Tigers = Dirt Lions

Houston Astros = Dirt Texans

Kansas City Royals = Dirt Chiefs

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim = Dirt Chargers

Minnesota Twins = Dirt Vikings

New York Yankees = Dirt Giants

Oakland Athletics = Dirt Raiders

Seattle Mariners = Dirt Seahawks

Tampa Bay Rays = Dirt Buccaneers

Texas Rangers = Dirt Cowboys

Toronto Blue Jays = Dirt Argonauts

Arizona Diamondbacks = Dirt Cardinals

Atlanta Braves = Dirt Falcons

Chicago Cubs = Dirt Bears

Cincinnati Reds = Dirt Bengals

Colorado Rockies = Dirt Broncos

Los Angeles Dodgers = Dirt Rams

Miami Marlins = Dirt Dolphins

Milwaukee Brewers = Dirt Packers

New York Mets = Dirt Jets

Philadelphia Phillies = Dirt Eagles

Pittsburgh Pirates = Dirt Steelers

San Diego Padres = Dirt Ex-Chargers

San Francisco Giants = Dirt 49ers

St. Louis Cardinals = Dirt Ex-Rams

Washington Nationals = Dirt Redacteds

So there you go.  Dissenting opinions and/or suggestions are welcome in the comments.

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

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SonOfSpam

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are The Dirt Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego by way of Carson.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I propose a motion to change Houston to the Dirt and Floor 500s

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh and point of parliamentary inquiry, but aren’t the Cubs the Dirt Little Bears?

LemonJello
LemonJello

I thought it was Dirt Small Bears?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The gentleman from the citrus groves is correct

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

not that there’s a big following, but wondering what the MSL teams would be called?
Kicking
Diving
Flopping

King Hippo

minor league Lesser Footy

Horatio Cornblower

Turf (Whatever)

WCS

You said, “wood.”

walkingthedog
walkingthedog

aren’t the Celtics called the black Patriots?

litre_cola

This here is very good.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Houston Rockets = Wood Texans
Houston Astros = Dirt Texans

Shouldn’t these be the Wood/Dirt Oilers? I don’t know what a “Texan” has to do with the NFL…

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

“YA DAMN RIGHT!” — Bum Phillips
comment image

Cuntler

“Dirt Colts”. Heh, heh. Colts fans’ heads are too far up their collective asses to be White Sox fans. I think St. Louis Cardinals = Dirt Colts. There is a lot of overlap there. Shitty Midwestern fans who love the smell of their own farts. The White Sox are the disrespected little brother with rightfully bitter fans. How about “Dirt Asses”? No idea.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I tend to blur what is and what isn’t an open thread because I am a lazy asshole, but enjoy Sour Shoes, a legend in the NYC sports radio scene.

Spur
Spur

Wood Raiders sounds like an awesome 80’s porno. Also Go Spurs Go

blaxabbath

Baltimore needs more teams.

Are the Cavs available for a midnight flight?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

GTFO with this forever alone shit. I’ve met you. You’re quite fuckable.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I normally refuse to acknowledge the existence of Jets Fans except on Jets Schadenfreude Day (Every Monday and the third Thursday of each month), but can someone explain to me the weird tendency for bundled rooting interests in New York/New Jersey/Connecticut? As reflected above, it seems like an inordinate number of people I know are either Jets/Mets/Islanders fans or Gints/Yanks/Rangers fans. I have known exceptions, but it exists. I can’t really narrow it down by geography (except the Islanders), socioeconomic or education level. WHAT GIVES?

Enrico Pallazzo

Support the CBJ! So much grit and Torts is the best!

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

love that the Ice Liouns has the “u” in it. If not intentional, then it’s a great typo

litre_cola

Oh it’s intentional. Us northern folk don’t type so good sometimes.