Your LawnClippers/Cowfellas NFL Football Open Thread

There’s but twelve minutes left in the Vikes/Lions game as I type this and it took some time but things are starting to heat up. (much like the mashed potatoes you just threw into the microwave because you made them way too soon). Although I very much enjoy Thanksgiving I really can’t recall any sort of positive memory associated with it. Perhaps it’s because of the alcohol-based dementia cozily nestling in but family get-together’s for me are like the CIA participating in the overthrow of Latin American leaders-get in and get out as quickly as possible and hope no one notices. TO THE GAME!

LA/Dallas: Tyron “Shoelaces” Smith may or may not be playing today but the t’udder offensive tackle is out. And according to the banner injury report, so is lb Sean Lee. Along with Zeke’s suspension that’s three difference-makers out for the home team. There is a bright side that I can see though-Mr. Elliott can make that stupid “feed me” gesture at his dinner table instead of out on the field. Hurray for small victories! De’s Bosa and Ingram have combined for 19 sacks and look to add a few more today. Their target? The DAKster. He’s the guy that barfed up a godawful game last week and the leader of an O that has scored just one TD in the last two tilts. The Chargers wr Allen went bananas last week and went off to the tune of [counts slowly] many points. I’m sure that rb Gordon will get his as well. This is last-gasp time for each of these squadoos to put something resembling a playoff team together so let’s see how it plays out.

It’s getting very close to “Drink A Lot” time. I can’t hardly wait!

Mash those potatoes, er, keyboards, folks.

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

.

Horatio Cornblower

Also, while we’re discussing The Pogues, this is their best song, especially when you’re in a good mood and enjoying the drank…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

My grandparents are thinking of getting a jacuzzi and were asking my parents about it during dinner.

After about 10 minutes, my Grandma looks at my Mom and says “Have you ever had sex in it?” for the whole table to hear.

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Horatio Cornblower

A lack of mashed potatoes is the least of the problems at that table.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I went to the store and got some.

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Man, that GIF should be marked NSFW.

King Hippo

chippy in Starkville!

Doktor Zymm

Right. I will see you Fuckers and Fuckettes in an hour.

Doktor Zymm

When does night game start again? Also, I knew misogynist dickhead was a big part of the Offense, did not realize he was only thing keeping them from being the Cowpoops.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

5:30 pacific. NBC

ballsofsteelandfury

Skyfall is on SyFy…

Romonobyl

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blaxabbath

Also — GO READ MY POST FROM THIS MORNING! I NEED VALIDATION!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Indeed. Twas magnificent.

blaxabbath

BANNER!

blaxabbath

alright, I’m gonna go finish deviled eggs.

later taters.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

King Hippo

just 20 short minutes to the Egg Bowl, always a personal Hippo favourite.

/likes under-the-radar rivalry games that are, in fact, super-meaningful to fans and players, that usually result in pretty intense fixtures

Redshirt
King Hippo

huh, I learned something just now

Redshirt

Yeah. You should check out this years edition. Miami had a huge lead and gave it up. Its right up there with the Bengals Wild Card Cluster of ’15 in Heart Rip Outs.

laserguru

Holy fuck. Oh kids, that was a mighty spectacular thanksgiving dinner. Let’s commence mit the dranking.
Woo!

Horatio Cornblower

Commence?

laserguru

I told myself no drinking until after I finished dicing, chopping and using the mandolin to make the gratin potatoes.
The fact that I have all my digits and no bandaids on tells me that was a wise decision.

Redshirt

I do like this Colored vs. Colored Jerseys though. The NFL should do this a lot more with the alternate jerseys (i.e. Bengals Orange vs. Steelers Black, Patriots Red vs. Dolphins Blue) when the colors are completely different.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Does Zekespension get Garrett fired?

Horatio Cornblower

The only way Garrett gets fired is if he bad mouths JJ, or if JJ needs a scapegoat. He’s a shit coach who knows how to keep his mouth shut and that’s the only reason he’s still there.

Shogun Marcus

That’s not how Goodell is spelled.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is payback for killing Jack Kennedy: losing to the Chargers.

laserguru

Goddamn Dallas PD!

Redshirt

Dallas didn’t kill JFK. He was killed by the….

/ Redshirt signed out. Forever.

Redshirt

So apparently Zeke being banished destroyed the Cowboys because he was the heart of the team. And the brains. And effort. And offensive line. And defense. And coaching staff. And QB’s corrective glasses. And…

litre_cola

Dat td helped me against hippo chuh chuh

King Hippo

Guh, at least my money league opponent benched him. For CIN (v. CLE) so I am still super boned.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

It seems like Dak’s out. He seems have acquired cerebral palsy on that return.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

That was Cam Newton-esque effort on the chasedown there, Dak.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Dakception! Dak pick six!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dak: Not efficient at teh tackling.

King Hippo

FACK YOU, Litre!!

Gratliff

PIK PIK PIK

Redshirt

So what did I miss in football so far?

King Hippo

lots and lots of raw, unadulterated feces

/basically, if you’ve ever toured a shitwater plant for school or work, you missed nada

King Hippo

and to think you still have BATTLE FOAR OH to look forward to!

Redshirt

Don’t remind me. My fear is OSU lose to M*CH*G*N and Bengals lose to Browns. That may destroy my love of football. And happiness. And hope. And humanity. But not beer. I’ll need beer after that.

King Hippo

It’s hard for me to imagine how anyone is still holding onto hope at this point. Even if I am a tad more jaded than the average folk.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I’ve seen better tackling in the dispensary at the mental hospital.

King Hippo

So, Uncle Ed, you’re gonna tell us like the 5 most embarrassing stories involving your nephew, right?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Nah I’ll leave that to the 5 women he tried to seduce in his life. All the believability of Jim McGreevey quoting Fight Club!

Redshirt

My mom, knowing that most of the family is on a diet, cooked Vegetarian Stuffing. The Universe is still punishing me for my “None of the Above” vote in the last election.

blaxabbath

Your vote doesn’t matter.

Seriously, look at the mouth breathers retweeting Russian bot account STILL.

Redshirt

Agreed. I live in Ohio. I’m feel like Kirk Cameron’s character in Left Behind where the Anti-Christ is being evil but I’m the only one Saved so I’m the only one that can see through his lies.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I ate too much.
Now there’s no room for beer.

I hate Thanksgiving.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

What’s that smell coming from the bathroom? Did Dak try to throw another pass from the pocket again?

King Hippo

no wait, just the Pokes secondary shitting themselves again, we good

blaxabbath

Man — Dallas looks REALLY fucking exposed this season. Do they need to go into rebuild mode? Or is this why Jerruh wants to split off and start his own league with just teams he can beat?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

As long as they remain terrible until he dies, I’m good.

Doktor Zymm

How is game now? I’m ready for the night game, gonna eat me some chicken balti pie, drink some more bourbon, maybe hang up another picture. At what point should I stop climbing and using a hammer?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

My dad figured out that it was time to stop when he fell and broke his hip. But he’s 80.

Doktor Zymm

My mom broke her hip crashing a Segway. They have really good replacement hips now. I’m hoping by the time I get to 80 we’ll all be cyborgs anyway.

blaxabbath

10:45 PM

Doktor Zymm

Good advice! I will make a note, and perhaps set my watch alarm

blaxabbath

#FacebookWatch

Enjoy your promotion.

King Hippo

This is the kind of game that makes one almost want to talk to one’s family. Fortunately, I have a book.

Doktor Zymm

Life is just better for readers

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Well looky here, boys…we gots ourselves a reader!

blaxabbath

Get him!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hi. Are Horatio and romonobyl ok?

blaxabbath

They dead.

Wanna split the wishbone?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Obviously

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Mama Commander: So I didn’t get around to making the baked potatoes.
Me: That’s fine. Who’s bringing the mashed potatoes?
Mama Commander: No one. The baked were going to be it this year.
Me: I… Heh… What?………… WHAT?!
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Boltman needs a new mission

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

BOTLMAN DEMANDS AN OFFERING OF YOUR FINEST TUBERS

Doktor Zymm

NO IRISH STARCH FOR YOU!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’m going to the store.

THIS WILL NOT STAND!!

King Hippo

the thing that weirded out my ex-wife the most about our family was that we preferred rice to potatoes with our feasts. This passed on to all 3 of our daughters, too.

Doktor Zymm

Potato chips?

blaxabbath

THe next Lays special flavor should be mashed potatoes and gravy.

Doktor Zymm

Done well, that could be awesome. It will not be done well.

King Hippo

/barfs pre-emptively

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I hate my job

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blaxabbath

Please tell me your job is Comcast Net Neutrality Lobbyist….

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I wish. I’d be getting more money for being at work now than I am currently making.

blaxabbath

One of our customers is working tomorrow. Our office is not. I don’t let anyone work on days like the Friday after Thanksgiving because you get shit for production and people just resent being there anyways.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Unfortunately I’m in broadcasting which means 24×7 coverage. Except my role is normally exempt from shift work, until the higher ups decided to ax 3 people and bring in 3 new ones, who cant be on shift alone, and I got the short straw to do nights with a new guy all of November. Which was decided while I was on PTO. Which is the second time they’ve changed my hours/days while I’ve been on vacation.

/Rant.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

When I was in broadcast our company forbade anyone from taking the Friday after Thanksgiving off because it fell during sweeps. They said this after nearly everyone made plans to take it off.

Fuck every TV station owner.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I really think I’m being forced out. The PTO fuckery sealed the deal. I’m trying to get out but the 4th quarter is the worst time to change jobs. I’ve got a phone interview monday, so hopefully that works out.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Good luck. Anyone in broadcast needs it.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Thanks. I appreciate it. You’re not hiring are you? Haha

But seriously…

blaxabbath

What is your job on Skip & Shannon?

blaxabbath

This sexual harassment/assault stuff makes me so glad that I work in a male-dominated industry. It’s not that I feel the need to assault women; but Sexy Friday would definitely be held against me at the settlement hearings.

Why, yes, I have busted into my growler ($8 fill ups at the local brewery) — why do you ask?

ballsofsteelandfury

Seriously, how fucking difficult is it to view DFO on cell phones?

That seems an easy solution…

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Yeah well I assault the need to feel women.

/checks glass
/falls face first drunk onto couch

King Hippo

this is really fucking embarrassing

ballsofsteelandfury

This could apply to a lot of things…

blaxabbath

We got recessed lighting put in this week. I absolutely love it. Our small house is so dark and the recessed lighting just changed everything. The con is that I can now REALLY tell the areas that need to get painted (mainly the hallway). So I’m wrapping up the deviled eggs I’m taking to thanksgiving tomorrow and then gonna start prepping the hallway for paint because we’re hosting Christmas this year and I only got about four weeks to get everything ready!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Well ain’t you the Mr. Fancy-Pants! Next thing ya know, you’ll be bragging about havin’ indoor plumbin’!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Jerry Face!