Yes, winter can bite my fat white ass.
In my neck o’ the woods, we had snow and ice this weekend, and most of it is still on the ground. That’s because it’s still cold as shit. I live in the south, dammit. This isn’t supposed to happen. Or at least not until January at the earliest!!!
Then today, I spent many hours outside in said cold, putting the outdoor Christmas lights up finally.
Sadly, I didn’t get finished yet. Plus I don’t get to bang Beverly D’Angelo later tonight (as far as she knows).
I can’t feel my hands anymore. That’s probably not good. Also, I think my penis has retreated into my abdomen. That’s probably ok, all things considered.
But winter arriving early does have its advantages.
ICYMI….
Best Game In EVAR!!!!!!!!!
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Newsworthy..Sort Of
- Giancarlo Stanton apparently had a list of teams he was unwilling to play for. The Marlins apparently were on that list. I get it. The rich get richer.
- Jimbo Fisher should feel right at home in College Station.
- Dook lost and Arizona State is…well…good. Maybe VERY good. Bobby Hurley oughta be getting some offers soon, but he’ll hang on long enough in Tempe and hope to move on to Durham, presuming he’s good enough for long enough to prove his worth to the bluebloods there. Krzyzewski can’t live forever…I hope. And if/when Hurley rolls back into town here, I can actually accelerate my Dook hatred. He’s a little fucking weasel, btw. Very punchable. Trust me, I’ve met the little shithead.
- Seattle wants Hockey.
- Baker Mayfield “shockingly” won the Heisman. Hopefully he’s already looking into real estate in the Cleveland area, poor bastard.
- The NCAAFB All-America Teams were announced…
(Shameless NC State plug to follow)
…With Bradley Chubb making first team at defensive end, and Jaylen Samuels making third team at…tight end, for some reason.
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Non-Football Stuff To Watch 2Nite
NHL
Nothing national, so check your local listings.
NBA
- New Orleans @ Houston – 8:00pmEST – TV: NBATV
- Toronto @ LA Clippers – 10:30pmEST – TV: NBATV
NCAA Basketball
Top 25
- Drake @ (14)Minnesota – 8:00pmEST – TV: B1GN
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New England @ Miami – 8:30pmEST – TV: ESPN (+11.0, o/u 48.0)
You see that line, right? New England an 11 pt road fav. That’s a big line for any road team in the NFL, I don’t care who they are or who/where they’re playing. One would have to be insane to bet that line. Right?
We’ll see.
The ‘Phins don’t have much to celebrate this year, but at least they aren’t Cleveland. Or even in Cleveland. Trust me, you’ll never see this in Cleveland on your off days…
Nonetheless, just like the rest of Week 14, this game is likely going to be laughable.
No, not like that.
Even after a five game losing streak (which they managed to break last week when the ’17 Donks showed up) Miami is actually still in the playoff hunt. Probably not after tonight though.
Since I wrote about their non-existent bye week nearly two months ago, the ‘Phins have gotten no better on offense, and worse on defense. That’s a bad combination when Bill and Tawmmy come to town.
Also, Jay Cutler has never beaten the P*ts anywhere he’s played, arguably with much better teams around him. I mean, not even close…
Cutler, while playing for the Denver Broncos (once) and Chicago Bears (twice), has lost by 34, 29 and 28 points in his three tries against the Patriots.
But some folks are believing…
“We’re coming together as a team,” Dolphins defensive tackle Jordan Phillips told the Miami Herald after Miami broke a five-game losing streak with a dominating performance. “We can only go up from here.”
You’re half right there, Jordan. But “going up” probably won’t happen this week, son.
Brady, still at the top of his game at age 40, has thrown for 26 touchdowns and 3,632 yards with just four interceptions. The Patriots are averaging 29 points per game, which ranks first in the AFC and fourth in the NFL.
Miami, on the other hand, is 26th in the league, averaging 17.4 points, which is an improvement from its last-place standing just a couple of weeks ago.
The Dolphins have not played well in prime-time games recently. For example, they are 1-7 in their past eight games on Monday Night Football.
The P*ts, love ’em or hate ’em, all they do is win, win, win. Even if grudgingly*, one has to respect that.
*By “grudgingly”, of course I mean they need to be cleansed from teh planet.
Currently on an eight game win streak, New England can (will) clinch their 9th straight AFC East Division title with the win tonight (15th in the past 17 years, btw). Additionally, after the Yinzers snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last night against Baltimore, the P*ts need to get this win tonight to keep pace for home field in the playoffs. They will. And it won’t be pretty for Miami, even at home.
Speaking of not pretty…
Anywhoooo….
It’s probably gon’ be an ugly affair tonight in South Beach unless you’re a P*ts fan (like they need this), but it is mandatory viewing for all and we still have to talk about it, of course.
‘Phins haven’t covered for 8 straight weeks, and they won’t start tonight, even at home. I even considered moneylining them for a coupla bills at +475, but nope. Not a chance.
Besides, where else can you make fun of me for betting $500 on a road team to beat an 11 pt spread? Yes, you heard me correctly.
I have to try to salvage something out of this shitteh Week 14. And I’m apparently not alone. Since I dropped my coin on this one last night, the line has moved to +11.5, and the moneyline for Miami has stretched to +550 (And I’m still not taking that bet).
But anywhoooo….
Get to it!!!!!! Talk!!!!!
(shut up, it’s a good song)
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PTSD that gained sentience.
Apparently the real life version of that guy turned out surprisingly OK.
Unless TV has lied to me.
She seems….fun.
just realized NO GRONK may be a big problem…..
Always has been.
So is NOLA GRONK
How do you solve a problem like a Groooonk…
is that the Dan Marino throwback jersey and logo?
I will root for the first team to do a throwback uni like this :
It’ll be the first team to move to London. Throwback Day.
Goddamn you gotta catch that!
Do you think Kenyan Drake’s nickname is “Sir Francis”?
?pubId=4495439099001&videoId=5523467400001
I’m gonna go with “no”
Love the Drake.
?w=946
I think it’s “Male Duck”
It’s like a Roy Moore campaign ad!
In case you’re wondering, like a third of Trader Joe’s 21 Season Salute is citric acid in some form.
“None of them are Pepper X, 2/10 would not bang.” -Senor
uffffff cutler should have run for that 1st down….. gonna regret that????
He would’ve run for the 1st down, then immediately darted back 20 yards, then run forward 12, and then stop and pass out on the line of scrimmage.
Where”s Gratliff? I want to laugh at his team’s misfortune
I’ve still got a 1% chance to win.
Just saying.
LMFAO
Loser.
I’m at 6%!
Okay, so the screens aren’t working.
Once again, I urge you not to count out Touchdown Tom
Fuck that asshole.
If he can score 24 points in the next 12 minutes, I’ll take it back.
Sorry…22 points.
He’ll score 21 just to fuck with you.
I’m surprised they didn’t trade foar Antonio Brown for one fucking night.
HE’S FUCKING NUMBER 84 PPL!!!!!!!!!
Lego Brady and Tarkenton are terrifying.
Is that how they jack off?
could use one of those patented Cutler pick 6’s on this next drive….
Where’s Horatio? 17 points is nothing, my friend!
I need 15 points in 15 minutes from Cooks and Gostkowski.
I can virtually guarantee that I will get 9 of those points, thereby giving my the loss because I went with Marvin Jones over Funchess because I was worried about Minnesota’s D. Naturally, Funchess outscored Jones by 6 points. Which I will lose by.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDK9QqIzhwk
I had marvin. And tate. Guess who I picked too?
Fucking Marvin, man.
Dude never has his fucking Q36 space modulator.
need a score here………… yikes
For the ladies and 1 out of 10 DFOs
Looks like there’s more darts fans than there are Rams/Chargers fans.
seasons greetings all!
Happy Kwanzaa!
Eid Mubarak!
Happy Festivus.
Let’s wrestle.
A lot of you have disappointed me!
Now fight your father.
I disappoint everyone.
I’m used to it at this point.
Is that before or after she did so much coke she blasted a hole in her septum?
Is the hole in her septum really the one you’re interested in?
I think she’s also nearly crippled, or at least really sick, due to some neurological issue.
To the Wikipedia!!
Yep. Parkinson’s.
Yeesh. Didn’t know that.
Now I feel like an ass.
No reason to feel bad. Time has yet to lose a battle with anyone.
True enough. fwiw, my pops died of parkinson’s almost 3 yrs ago. I think I likely have it too, but am too scared to get the diagnosis.
…and the fix begins.
“Alright, guys. What can we call to help the Pats get back in this? Any suggestions?”
A very precise meteor?
Bob Barker approves. Can’t have too many Cutlers around
It’s kinda weird that I’m less distressed about losing a half a grand tonight than not getting the first round bye in a meaningless playoff for FF.
I need to reset my priorities maybe.
“duh!!!!”
-everybody
Addendum: I fucking hate losing.
Actually it sounds like your priorities are set. If you gambled and lost and you’re not overreacting, you’re gambling within your means.
Cool. What’s on tomorrow’s docket?
Uh, just wire me your money. I’ll let you know if you win or lose.
Sweet!!!!!!!
VANDY-ON-VANDY VIOLENCE
WHY WON’T #NOBUMMER TALK ABOUT IT?!111!?
Bcuz he’s nawt presi…oh you meant fer reals!
Emails.
Josh McDaniels looking stupid and hopeless will never get old.
yeah, “looking”
Patriots tomorrow reviewing tonight’s game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylB6iHCdhL8
So…when does this all go tits up? Or is the power of GAMBLOR to screw tWBS strong enough to keep this going?
Zero-G. Oh wait…I shoulda read the whole thing.
Like you have to ask.
Anything that fucks me sans lube is the winner.
Are you new here or what?
Also, Hippo added his own double reverse jinx factor.
But he’s a dick.
chuh chuh
Enjoy your bye, jinx boy.
I’ll see ya’s in two weeks. We’ve split the season so far.
Next one wins.
And then likely loses to Brocky.
Likely? Ray Moore has worse odds at a kindercare mixer.
Don’t forget that I needed a big effort from him to comeback in FF and that guy’s been screwing me in FF since I took him #1 in The Glorious Year Of Our Lord And Savior Bernard Pollard.
This is Extremely Bad and also Not Good.
Kinda fucks up the narrative for next week’s matchup with PIT.
Not really. Makes it moar impotent.
Not really. You win you still get #1 seed.
I need some combo of 14 points ppr out of Parker and Hogan to avoid taking dead last in my booze league. Is that too much to ask?
When the hell is Cutler going to throw his patented pick six?
This is pretty much the end of my FF run thanks to Cooks and Gostkowski getting skunked but on the other hand, Pats lose!
Fortunately for me, this week only means I have to win next week to kick Hippo’s ass 2/3 in the semis.
I need to find a cat cafe to tide me over until I can get a kitty
Holy crap, the Scottish Fold must be the most adorable cat breed there is
:large
cats are just so fucking great. I am a proud crazy old cat person. It has always been my destiny.
Flat faced dogs or gtfo. Cats fine too really.
Have you seen an American short armed?
Not only cute, but great temperament and few genetic health problems. I’ve had three of ’em over the years. Not cheap, but worth it.
Bostons, pugs, pits so far. Boxer in-law too. Full bulldogs and mastiffs will happen.
Brachycephalics have their health issues, but for the right folks, the personalities moar than make up for it.
Love those shitheads, personally.
Is brachycephalic the scientific term for squishy faced? I like learning!
Correct!
They’re quite fecebrained sometimes. Especially with allergies. But damn it they know how to charm.
Pouty Tom Brady is so sexy
Theories as to why Brady is sucking. Go!
Iodine deficiency!
tWBS bet on the P*ts in addition to having him on the fantasy team?
Winner.
This just means he’ll throw for 450 yards and four touchdowns against the Stillers next week.
Worried a Roy Moore loss will hurt his President’s fee-fees
Gisele stopped pegging after makeup artist was deported.
Banner
Not enough water and too much sun this trip to Miami!
/that TB12 book is just the worst
Is this game (and didn’t NE lose to buffalo earlier this year?) just all part of the pats evil plan to buff up their own division just a little so they all get slightly worse draft talent, without sacrificing the pats playoffs?
make the Yinzers overconfident
Losses to Chiefs and Panthers (and looking like maybe Dolphins) this season. Shut out 16-0 by Bills last season with not-Brady at QB.
The entire Roy Moore rally has been a boldstrategycotton.gif. We’ve got the “How can I hate the jews if I pay one to be my lawyer” from the wife, and his buddy talking about the time they accidentally stumbled into a child brothel in Asia.
FAKE NEWS!
The good news is that the youngest Cornblower got into her first choice college this evening.
The bad news is that Horatio got a look at the tuition/room/board combo and is now well into the fifth finger of Jameson’s.
I shudder to think what people who are having kids now are going to be looking at it in 18 years.
There will be no secondary (or primary, for that matter) education in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of 18 years from now.
Fair point. The CHUDs are probably going to be a bunch of flat-earthers anyway.
So….concentration in karate or krav maga?
Oh both. You don’t want to take the chance that one of the CHUDs knows the one you didn’t study!
Good advice.
NO FUCKING!!!!!
But I thought Upstairs Hollywood Medical School got shut down?
I wish. I could probably pay for that with Krusty Burger coupons.
Also, with this new tax plan, ya’ll middle classers will have, like, an extra $2000 to use on college tuition. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
/Spending a tax break on an inelastic expense? Yup, that’ll stimulate the economy.
We’re due with our first in March. My worries about how to pay for expenses related to her moon prom seem quaint compared to college costs.
Congratulations!
Thanks. Congratulations of whipping my butt in FF this week.
Still way too fucking early for that kind of talk, mister!
We clearly are not watching the same game.
Did you not watch the Super Bowl? 17 points is nothing.
Seriously, start saving now. Start a 529 fund and get the family involved. $20 a week, $10 a week, what-the-fuck-ever a week.
Or have the kid grow to be 6’2″ with a killer left-handed hook shot and hope Geno Auriemma comes calling.
https://youtu.be/k1lcBjyMTtw
Italian rap music is weird….very weird…
/beats a darkie
I’m trying to find the angle from where this is funny. NOPE!
I see the Dolphin logo found his helmet again. Is this a throwback or did I hallucinate their ghastly uniform/logo change from a few years back?
Yes, it was a hallucination brought on by the hypnodolphin