Your “Winter Can Bite Me” MNF Open Thread

Yes, winter can bite my fat white ass.

In my neck o’ the woods, we had snow and ice this weekend, and most of it is still on the ground.  That’s because it’s still cold as shit.  I live in the south, dammit.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  Or at least not until January at the earliest!!!

Then today, I spent many hours outside in said cold, putting the outdoor Christmas lights up finally.

Sadly, I didn’t get finished yet.  Plus I don’t get to bang Beverly D’Angelo later tonight (as far as she knows).

I can’t feel my hands anymore.  That’s probably not good.  Also, I think my penis has retreated into my abdomen.  That’s probably ok, all things considered.

But winter arriving early does have its advantages.

ICYMI….

Best Game In EVAR!!!!!!!!!

Newsworthy..Sort Of

  • Giancarlo Stanton apparently had a list of teams he was unwilling to play for.  The Marlins apparently were on that list.  I get it.  The rich get richer.
  • Jimbo Fisher should feel right at home in College Station.
  • Dook lost and Arizona State is…well…good.  Maybe VERY good.  Bobby Hurley oughta be getting some offers soon, but he’ll hang on long enough in Tempe and hope to move on to Durham, presuming he’s good enough for long enough to prove his worth to the bluebloods there.  Krzyzewski can’t live forever…I hope.  And if/when Hurley rolls back into town here, I can actually accelerate my Dook hatred.  He’s a little fucking weasel, btw.  Very punchable.  Trust me, I’ve met the little shithead.
  • Seattle wants Hockey.
  • Baker Mayfield “shockingly” won the Heisman.  Hopefully he’s already looking into real estate in the Cleveland area, poor bastard.
  • The NCAAFB All-America Teams were announced…

(Shameless NC State plug to follow)

…With Bradley Chubb making first team at defensive end, and Jaylen Samuels making third team at…tight end, for some reason.

 

Non-Football Stuff To Watch 2Nite

NHL

Nothing national, so check your local listings.

Full Schedule

 

NBA

  • New Orleans @ Houston – 8:00pmEST – TV: NBATV
  • Toronto @ LA Clippers – 10:30pmEST – TV: NBATV

Full Schedule

 

NCAA Basketball

Top 25

  • Drake @ (14)Minnesota – 8:00pmEST – TV: B1GN

Full Schedule

New England @ Miami  – 8:30pmEST – TV: ESPN (+11.0, o/u 48.0)

You see that line, right?  New England an 11 pt road fav.  That’s a big line for any road team in the NFL, I don’t care who they are or who/where they’re playing.  One would have to be insane to bet that line.  Right?

We’ll see.

The ‘Phins don’t have much to celebrate this year, but at least they aren’t Cleveland.  Or even in  Cleveland.  Trust me, you’ll never see this in Cleveland on your off days…

Nonetheless, just like the rest of Week 14, this game is likely going to be laughable.

No, not like that.

I agree, Pal.

Even after a five game losing streak (which they managed to break last week when the ’17 Donks showed up) Miami is actually still in the playoff hunt.  Probably not after tonight though.

Since I wrote about their non-existent bye week nearly two months ago, the ‘Phins have gotten no better on offense, and worse on defense.  That’s a bad combination when Bill and Tawmmy come to town.

Also, Jay Cutler has never beaten the P*ts anywhere he’s played, arguably with much better teams around him.  I mean, not even close

Cutler, while playing for the Denver Broncos (once) and Chicago Bears (twice), has lost by 34, 29 and 28 points in his three tries against the Patriots.

But some folks are believing…

“We’re coming together as a team,” Dolphins defensive tackle Jordan Phillips told the Miami Herald after Miami broke a five-game losing streak with a dominating performance. “We can only go up from here.”

You’re half right there, Jordan.  But “going up” probably won’t happen this week, son.

Brady, still at the top of his game at age 40, has thrown for 26 touchdowns and 3,632 yards with just four interceptions. The Patriots are averaging 29 points per game, which ranks first in the AFC and fourth in the NFL.

Miami, on the other hand, is 26th in the league, averaging 17.4 points, which is an improvement from its last-place standing just a couple of weeks ago.

The Dolphins have not played well in prime-time games recently. For example, they are 1-7 in their past eight games on Monday Night Football.

The P*ts, love ’em or hate ’em, all they do is win, win, win.  Even if grudgingly*, one has to respect that.

*By “grudgingly”, of course I mean they need to be cleansed from teh planet.

Currently on an eight game win streak, New England can (will) clinch their 9th straight AFC East Division title with the win tonight (15th in the past 17 years, btw).  Additionally, after the Yinzers snatched victory from the jaws of defeat last night against Baltimore, the P*ts need to get this win tonight to keep pace for home field in the playoffs.  They will.  And it won’t be pretty for Miami, even at home.

Speaking of not pretty…

And probably anything else too, from the looks of you Dude.  But maybe that’s me being too judgemental again.  You are a “dude”, right?

Anywhoooo….

It’s probably gon’ be an ugly affair tonight in South Beach unless you’re a P*ts fan (like they need this), but it is mandatory viewing for all and we still have to talk about it, of course.

‘Phins haven’t covered for 8 straight weeks, and they won’t start tonight, even at home.  I even considered moneylining them for a coupla bills at +475, but nope.  Not a chance.

Besides, where else can you make fun of me for betting $500 on a road team to beat an 11 pt spread?  Yes, you heard me correctly.

I have to try to salvage something out of this shitteh Week 14.  And I’m apparently not alone.  Since I dropped my coin on this one last night, the line has moved to +11.5, and the moneyline for Miami has stretched to +550 (And I’m still not taking that bet).

But anywhoooo….

Get to it!!!!!!  Talk!!!!!

(shut up, it’s a good song)

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theeWeeBabySeamus
An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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Spur

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Spur

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WCS

PTSD that gained sentience.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently the real life version of that guy turned out surprisingly OK.

Unless TV has lied to me.

Spur

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rockingdog

just realized NO GRONK may be a big problem…..

ballsofsteelandfury

Always has been.

Doktor Zymm

So is NOLA GRONK

Senor Weaselo

How do you solve a problem like a Groooonk…

rockingdog

is that the Dan Marino throwback jersey and logo?

Doktor Zymm

I will root for the first team to do a throwback uni like this :comment image

Horatio Cornblower

It’ll be the first team to move to London. Throwback Day.

Brick Meathook

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Doktor Zymm

Goddamn you gotta catch that!

Doktor Zymm

Do you think Kenyan Drake’s nickname is “Sir Francis”?
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Horatio Cornblower

I’m gonna go with “no”

Horatio Cornblower

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think it’s “Male Duck”

Spur

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Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

It’s like a Roy Moore campaign ad!

Unsurprised

In case you’re wondering, like a third of Trader Joe’s 21 Season Salute is citric acid in some form.

Senor Weaselo

“None of them are Pepper X, 2/10 would not bang.” -Senor

Spur

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rockingdog

uffffff cutler should have run for that 1st down….. gonna regret that????

Unsurprised

He would’ve run for the 1st down, then immediately darted back 20 yards, then run forward 12, and then stop and pass out on the line of scrimmage.

Spur

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Spur

Where”s Gratliff? I want to laugh at his team’s misfortune

Horatio Cornblower

Loser.

I’m at 6%!

Senor Weaselo

Okay, so the screens aren’t working.

Spur

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the Alpha and the Amoeba

Once again, I urge you not to count out Touchdown Tom

ballsofsteelandfury

He’ll score 21 just to fuck with you.

WCS

Lego Brady and Tarkenton are terrifying.

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that how they jack off?

Spur

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rockingdog

could use one of those patented Cutler pick 6’s on this next drive….

ballsofsteelandfury

Where’s Horatio? 17 points is nothing, my friend!

Horatio Cornblower

I need 15 points in 15 minutes from Cooks and Gostkowski.

I can virtually guarantee that I will get 9 of those points, thereby giving my the loss because I went with Marvin Jones over Funchess because I was worried about Minnesota’s D. Naturally, Funchess outscored Jones by 6 points. Which I will lose by.

rockingdog
Shogun Marcus

I had marvin. And tate. Guess who I picked too?

Horatio Cornblower

Fucking Marvin, man.

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Shogun Marcus

Dude never has his fucking Q36 space modulator.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Spur

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rockingdog

need a score here………… yikes

Spur

For the ladies and 1 out of 10 DFOs
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Viva La Tabula Raza

Looks like there’s more darts fans than there are Rams/Chargers fans.

rockingdog

seasons greetings all!

Horatio Cornblower

Happy Kwanzaa!

The Maestro

Eid Mubarak!

Shogun Marcus

A lot of you have disappointed me!
Now fight your father.

Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

Is that before or after she did so much coke she blasted a hole in her septum?

Horatio Cornblower

I think she’s also nearly crippled, or at least really sick, due to some neurological issue.

To the Wikipedia!!

Yep. Parkinson’s.

Horatio Cornblower

No reason to feel bad. Time has yet to lose a battle with anyone.

Redshirt

…and the fix begins.

deviantBastard

“Alright, guys. What can we call to help the Pats get back in this? Any suggestions?”

Spur

Bob Barker approves. Can’t have too many Cutlers around

Redshirt

Actually it sounds like your priorities are set. If you gambled and lost and you’re not overreacting, you’re gambling within your means.

Redshirt

Uh, just wire me your money. I’ll let you know if you win or lose.

WCS

VANDY-ON-VANDY VIOLENCE

WHY WON’T #NOBUMMER TALK ABOUT IT?!111!?

Shogun Marcus

Bcuz he’s nawt presi…oh you meant fer reals!
Emails.

Spur

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Horatio Cornblower

Josh McDaniels looking stupid and hopeless will never get old.

King Hippo

yeah, “looking”

Redshirt

Patriots tomorrow reviewing tonight’s game

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylB6iHCdhL8

Doktor Zymm

So…when does this all go tits up? Or is the power of GAMBLOR to screw tWBS strong enough to keep this going?

Shogun Marcus

Zero-G. Oh wait…I shoulda read the whole thing.

King Hippo

chuh chuh

Shogun Marcus

Likely? Ray Moore has worse odds at a kindercare mixer.

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t forget that I needed a big effort from him to comeback in FF and that guy’s been screwing me in FF since I took him #1 in The Glorious Year Of Our Lord And Savior Bernard Pollard.

Spur

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The Maestro

This is Extremely Bad and also Not Good.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Kinda fucks up the narrative for next week’s matchup with PIT.

ballsofsteelandfury

Not really. You win you still get #1 seed.

Col. Duke LaCross

I need some combo of 14 points ppr out of Parker and Hogan to avoid taking dead last in my booze league. Is that too much to ask?

Viva La Tabula Raza

When the hell is Cutler going to throw his patented pick six?

Horatio Cornblower

This is pretty much the end of my FF run thanks to Cooks and Gostkowski getting skunked but on the other hand, Pats lose!

Doktor Zymm

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I need to find a cat cafe to tide me over until I can get a kitty

Doktor Zymm

Holy crap, the Scottish Fold must be the most adorable cat breed there is
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King Hippo

cats are just so fucking great. I am a proud crazy old cat person. It has always been my destiny.

Shogun Marcus

Flat faced dogs or gtfo. Cats fine too really.

Spur

Have you seen an American short armed?
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Shogun Marcus

Bostons, pugs, pits so far. Boxer in-law too. Full bulldogs and mastiffs will happen.

Doktor Zymm

Is brachycephalic the scientific term for squishy faced? I like learning!

Shogun Marcus

Correct!

Shogun Marcus

They’re quite fecebrained sometimes. Especially with allergies. But damn it they know how to charm.

Dunstan

Pouty Tom Brady is so sexy

Redshirt

Theories as to why Brady is sucking. Go!

Doktor Zymm

Iodine deficiency!

Senor Weaselo

tWBS bet on the P*ts in addition to having him on the fantasy team?

WCS

This just means he’ll throw for 450 yards and four touchdowns against the Stillers next week.

King Hippo

Worried a Roy Moore loss will hurt his President’s fee-fees

Spur

Gisele stopped pegging after makeup artist was deported.

ballsofsteelandfury

Banner

Horatio Cornblower

Not enough water and too much sun this trip to Miami!
/that TB12 book is just the worst

herodotus450

Is this game (and didn’t NE lose to buffalo earlier this year?) just all part of the pats evil plan to buff up their own division just a little so they all get slightly worse draft talent, without sacrificing the pats playoffs?

King Hippo

make the Yinzers overconfident

Viva La Tabula Raza

Losses to Chiefs and Panthers (and looking like maybe Dolphins) this season. Shut out 16-0 by Bills last season with not-Brady at QB.

Gratliff

The entire Roy Moore rally has been a boldstrategycotton.gif. We’ve got the “How can I hate the jews if I pay one to be my lawyer” from the wife, and his buddy talking about the time they accidentally stumbled into a child brothel in Asia.

Spur

FAKE NEWS!

Horatio Cornblower

The good news is that the youngest Cornblower got into her first choice college this evening.

The bad news is that Horatio got a look at the tuition/room/board combo and is now well into the fifth finger of Jameson’s.

I shudder to think what people who are having kids now are going to be looking at it in 18 years.

Viva La Tabula Raza

There will be no secondary (or primary, for that matter) education in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of 18 years from now.

Horatio Cornblower

Fair point. The CHUDs are probably going to be a bunch of flat-earthers anyway.

ChemBro001

So….concentration in karate or krav maga?

Horatio Cornblower

Oh both. You don’t want to take the chance that one of the CHUDs knows the one you didn’t study!

herodotus450

But I thought Upstairs Hollywood Medical School got shut down?

Horatio Cornblower

I wish. I could probably pay for that with Krusty Burger coupons.

herodotus450

Also, with this new tax plan, ya’ll middle classers will have, like, an extra $2000 to use on college tuition. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
/Spending a tax break on an inelastic expense? Yup, that’ll stimulate the economy.

ChemBro001

We’re due with our first in March. My worries about how to pay for expenses related to her moon prom seem quaint compared to college costs.

ballsofsteelandfury

Congratulations!

Horatio Cornblower

Thanks. Congratulations of whipping my butt in FF this week.

ballsofsteelandfury

Still way too fucking early for that kind of talk, mister!

Horatio Cornblower

We clearly are not watching the same game.

ballsofsteelandfury

Did you not watch the Super Bowl? 17 points is nothing.

Horatio Cornblower

Seriously, start saving now. Start a 529 fund and get the family involved. $20 a week, $10 a week, what-the-fuck-ever a week.

Or have the kid grow to be 6’2″ with a killer left-handed hook shot and hope Geno Auriemma comes calling.

JustStopDude

https://youtu.be/k1lcBjyMTtw

Italian rap music is weird….very weird…

Spur

/beats a darkie

Shogun Marcus

I’m trying to find the angle from where this is funny. NOPE!

Redshirt

I see the Dolphin logo found his helmet again. Is this a throwback or did I hallucinate their ghastly uniform/logo change from a few years back?

Dunstan

Yes, it was a hallucination brought on by the hypnodolphin